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Late Night Political Humor:
The Best From Leno, Letterman, O'Brien,
Mahr, Stewart
Collected by the incredible San Diego
Democratic Party at
www.sddemocrats.org
Click Here for the 2004 humor archive page
Click Here for the
2005 humor archive page
Click Here for the 2006 humor
archive page
Click Here for the 2007 humor
archive page
Updated
05/08/2008
"I don't know if you're aware of
this. We just passed a big milestone yesterday. True story. Yesterday was the
five-year anniversary of President Bush's speech in front of the 'Mission
Accomplished' banner. Yeah, to celebrate, today, President Bush gave a speech in
front of a banner that said 'Economic Recession Over.'" --Conan O'Brien
"According to the latest CNN poll, President Bush's disapproval rating is 71%.
71%. That's unbelievable, isn't it? That 29% still approve? Who are these
people?" --Jay Leno
"A federal study released today shows that President Bush's $1 billion-a-year
'Reading First' program has done nothing to increase the reading skills of young
students. However, his 'Oil Company First' program is going like gangbusters."
--Jay Leno
"Today also happens to be the fifth anniversary of the day that President Bush
stood in front of an aircraft carrier with the huge 'Mission Accomplished'
banner behind him. Turned out, unless the mission was to blow two trillion
dollars and wind up with four dollar a gallon gas, it wasn't accomplished. ...
I'm going to miss President Bush, as a comedian. Not as an American." --Jimmy
Kimmel
"I guess it's good news. Government figures released by President Bush today
shows we are not in a recession. Yeah. Unless, of course, you have to buy gas or
food or some other luxury item. Then you're screwed." --Jay Leno
"Honest to God, David Blaine held his breath for 17 minutes. Now that's
entertainment. Are you with me on that? Underwater for 17 minutes without
breathing. Or as Dick Cheney calls it, interrogation." --David Letterman
"David Blaine today broke the world record for holding his breath, on 'Oprah' -
17 minutes, four seconds. Blaine has now frozen himself, he's starved himself,
he's gone without sleep for weeks, and deprived himself of oxygen. Today, Dick
Cheney said, 'See, it's not torture. It's magic.'" --Jimmy Kimmel
"Barack Obama said in a speech yesterday, he now officially repudiates the
Reverend Wright. To which President Bush said, 'Repudiate. That's like a black
word, right?' I don't think he gets it. Like ebonics, I think." --Jay Leno
And why not? But I mean, you think about it. The primary season is just dragging
and dragging and dragging and the election is not for another three years. So
last week Pennsylvania, next week, my home state of Indiana. Then North Carolina
primaries. Then Canada. Right? And then on to Europe. The European primaries are
coming up." --David Letterman
"How about that John McCain? John McCain is the guy, don't you think? I like
John McCain. He looks like the kind of guy that walks into Circuit City and
says, 'Do you have typewriter ribbons?'" --David Letterman
"Kind of a strange thing happened this weekend at a big event in Washington, DC.
President Bush, I guess he got excited, so he picked up a baton and he started
conducting the U.S. Marine Band. Yeah, unfortunately, the president got upset
because the band didn't know the song, 'The Wheels on the Bus.' They go 'round
and 'round, apparently." --Conan O'Brien
"If you're following the campaign, you know John McCain is currently on his tour
of forgotten places. He's touring what he calls forgotten places. Of course,
when you're 71, the room you just walked into is a forgotten place, isn't it?
'Why did I come in here again? I was just here.'" --Jay Leno
"Have you noticed, since oil prices went up, Dick Cheney hasn't had one heart
attack?" --Jay Leno
"Tomorrow I go to Washington D.C.
to perform at the White House Correspondents Dinner. It's thrown by the press
corps for the president and his staff. Everyone who works for the president will
be there. Dick Cheney will be there; Condoleezza Rice will be there; Fox News
will be there." --Craig Ferguson
"John McCain has spent this week campaigning in what he calls the 'forgotten
areas' of the country. He is visiting places that are being ignored by our
leaders, places like Pennsylvania now, now that the primary is over. See,
unfortunately, at McCain's age, as soon as he leaves these forgotten areas, he
forgot he was there." --Jay Leno
"President Bush says that the $300 rebate we've been promised, the rebate checks
from the government, will finally be mailed out on Monday. It's nice. Good news,
yeah. Then Americans can decide whether to save the $300 or use it to buy half a
tank of gas. You're right, that was more sad than funny. Ha ha ha. We're
screwed" --Conan O'Brien
"This campaign is very tough on the Democrats because they have to fight it out
even longer. McCain, see, the only thing he has to fight is regularity." --Jay
Leno
"Hillary, very confident, says she is ready for the 3 am phone call, and McCain
says he is ready for the 3 pm nap." --David Letterman
"John McCain, no one talks about John McCain anymore because he won his side of
the thing, and now he's just wandering around. He's just wandering around,
nobody's talking about him. So he's trying to do things to get press, this week
John McCain is on a tour of what he calls 'Forgotten Places in America.'
Forgotten places, yeah. Which, at his age, means just about everywhere." --Conan
O'Brien
"And Monday night, President Bush made a surprise appearance on the TV show
'Deal or No Deal.' Yesterday morning, first lady Laura Bush was a guest host on
the 'Today' show. I understand tomorrow, Vice President Dick Cheney is set to
play his own evil twin on 'Days of Our Lives.'" --Jay Leno
"And John McCain is now beginning a campaign to try and attract African-American
voters. Now, McCain says that although he never marched with Martin Luther King,
he did march with General Sherman through the South during the Civil War. So
that's got to count for something." --Jay Len
"President Bush now has the highest disapproval rating of any president in the
history of disapproval ratings, or approval ratings. 70% Of Americans disapprove
of the job he's doing. That's even worse than Nixon, right, before he left
office? So way to go, Mr. President. It goes to show you with hard work and
determination, you can accomplish anything." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Former Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, working on a new book about his
strategy for the war in Iraq. The book just came out, we have a first copy here.
It's called, 'Don't Blame Me. It was Cheney's Idea.'" --Jay Leno
"This is weird. I'm not making this up. ... Earlier tonight, President Bush made
a special taped appearance on the game show 'Deal or No Deal.' President Bush
was on 'Deal or No Deal.' Afterwards, Bush said, 'I like this show, because
randomly pointing at boxes is how I make decisions, too.'" --Conan O'Brien
"Do you like John McCain? John McCain looks like the kind of guy that doesn't
pick the phone up until the 12th ring. You know what I mean? He looks like the
kind of guy who has a cupboard full of canned peaches. John McCain looks like
the kind of guy who thinks the cleaning woman will love any crap he's tossing
out" --David Letterman
"Now here's something interesting. You know the Howie Mandel blockbuster quiz
show, the game show 'Deal or No Deal?' Earlier tonight, appearing on 'Deal or No
Deal,' President Bush. Meanwhile, over at ABC's 'Dancing with the Stars,' Dick
Cheney collapsed."
"But it's true, Bush was on 'Deal or No Deal.' Apparently he didn't feel he was
ready for 'Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader?'" --David Letterman
"According to some of the political blogs, Democratic operatives have been
looking for dirt on John McCain since February. You know what you call someone
who digs up dirt on John McCain? An archaeologist." --Jay Leno
"You know that since George Bush has become president, gas has basically tripled
in price. Now, Bush is an oil man. I'm not a conspiracy theorist, I'm just
saying that if we had elected Colonel Sanders president, and the price of
chicken had tripled, I'd be a little suspicious." --Bill Maher
"But wait a second, because there is one man who has a solution. John McCain ...
presented his proposal. He says that over the summer we should have a 'Gas Tax
Holiday.' For summer drivers, the 18 cent a gallon federal gas tax, he wants
that lifted over the summer. Or as it used to be called, 'Grandpa is giving you
$5.'" --Bill Maher
"And Ralph Nader, God bless him. Ralph Nader said today, he has not taken $1 in
campaign contributions. Oh, he wants to. He just can't get anybody to give him
$1." --Jay Leno
"How many watched the debate last night? [on screen: Light cheers and a few
boos]. How many watched 'American Idol?' [on screen: Loud cheers and applause].
You get the government you deserve." --Jay Leno
"And at the party yesterday, Pope Benedict spoke out against evil, and then Dick
Cheney gave the rebuttal." --Jay Leno
"Now, you may have seen this
earlier on the news. Did you hear what President Bush said to the pope after his
speech today? This is an exact quote. I'm not changing it. He said, 'Awesome
speech, your Holiness.' That's what he said to the pope. See, he didn't want to
say 'dude,' because it was a formal affair." --Jay Leno
"And today, John McCain said he disagrees with President Bush on the issue of
climate change. And believe me, McCain knows what he's talking about on this
subject. Of all the presidential candidates, he is the only one who's actually
lived through an ice age." --Jay Leno
"According to a survey by the History Network, 98% of professional historians
believe that George W. Bush's presidency has been a failure. The other 2%
believe it was a total disaster. So, you could go either way." --Jay Leno
"Pope Benedict is in America! Wooo! Here he is being greeted by President Bush,
the leaders of the two most powerful theocracies in the world. I personally have
trouble telling them apart. They're both infallible. They both did some things
when they were younger that they wish people would forget. One was a
cheerleader, the other Nazi youth. It's a fine line." --Stephen Colbert
"President Bush also told the pope that he has prayed every single day since he
became president. Hey, since Bush became president, we've all prayed every
single day." --Jay Leno
"The president picked up the pope at the airport. How bored is our president?
He's not the president anymore. Now he's like your college stoner roommate,
doing favors for pizza. Next week I think he's helping Putin move." --Jon
Stewart
"A former Pentagon official said this week that before the start of the war in
Iraq, former Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld gave the Bush administration a
list of horribles, things he believed could go wrong, which the Bush
administration apparently mistook for a to-do list." --Amy Poehler
"Between gasoline prices and the mortgage foreclosures, people are hurting. And
you know who finally noticed this? John McCain. He changed his position on
people losing their homes, from his original, 'Drop Dead,' to a new policy
called 'Go F*ck Yourself Plus.'" --Bill Maher
"Here's something interesting I learned. Did you know, John McCain does not use
the Secret Service protection? ... Yeah, yeah. He hasn't been using them. He has
his own team. In fact, you know what you call those six guys that surround John
McCain all the time? Pallbearers." --Jay Leno
"The number two man in Al Qaeda in iraq, terrorist mastermind Abu al-Masri, is
dead. He is dead. He reportedly died of natural causes. Died of natural causes.
That's when you know the war has been going on a long time. Okay? When your
enemies just start dying of natural causes!" --Jay Leno
"Last week, John McCain visited
his old school. In high school, he studied Latin. Did you know that? Well, he
had to, that was the only language spoken." --Jay Leno
"John McCain is now crisscrossing the United States campaigning. Or, as they're
calling it, Antiques Roadshow." --Jay Leno
"According to a new poll that just came out -- this is hard to believe -- 81% of
Americans think the country is on the wrong track. 81%. The other 19% own gas
stations." --Conan O'Brien
"Hillary said she attended out of respect for Dr. King's civil rights legacy,
and also because she feels a special allegiance to a fellow sniper victim."
--Bill Maher
"I feel for John McCain. He has a tough road to hoe now. He's trying to distance
himself from George Bush. First off, by completing sentences with punctuation."
--Bill Maher
"McCain came out this week with a list of 20 possible running mates. He would
not reveal the names of all of them, but he said they all share certain traits,
like knowing CPR. ... He said he wants someone who is ready take over on day
two." --Bill Maher
"The ambassador to Iraq said today there has been an economic revival in
Baghdad. Well, it's nice to see Bush's economic plan working out somewhere."
--Jay Leno
"John McCain has not been using Secret Service protection. He's the only one.
He's not using it. See, apparently, he has Life Alert." --Jay Leno
"We have the Italian Stallion on the show tonight -- Hillary Clinton, ladies and
gentleman. As you know, in Philadelphia the other day, Senator Clinton said she
is a lot like Rocky Balboa from the movie 'Rocky.' Is that a good idea? Don't we
already have a president like Rocky? I mean, isn't eight years of a guy who
talks like he's been hit in the head too many times enough?" --Jay Leno
"John McCain said he's putting together a list of possible vice presidential
candidates. In fact, yesterday, McCain said he had 20 names on his vice
presidential list. And today, he had to cut it back to 18 when he found out
Calvin Coolidge and Woodrow Wilson are already dead." --Jay Leno
"Actually, learning more and more about John and Cindy McCain. He's on this big
biography tour, so you can learn about him. I guess his wife Cindy is worth over
$100 million because the family made money selling Budwesier beer. Budweiser
beer distributor, $100 million. So he has a wife 20 years younger than him, free
beer, unlimited money -- I think I speak for all guys when I go, why is he
running for president?" --Jay Leno
"John McCain, by God, has one of those 3 am phone calls. In this one, it's 3 am
and he just gets up to go to the bathroom." --David Letterman
"John McCain has been campaigning all over the country this week. Yesterday,
McCain gave a speech in Florida. He was in Florida. The Florida speech was at
2:30 in the afternoon 'cause McCain was the after-dinner speaker." --Conan
O'Brien
"I like John McCain. He reminds me of a guy who spends a lot of time in the yard
with a hose." --David Letterman
"He's looking for a vice presidential running mate. ... He needs a guy who is
conservative, understands the economy and knows how to operate a defibrillator."
--David Letterman
"While campaigning in Pennsylvania yesterday, Barack Obama told an
eight-year-old boy if he wants to be president, he should work hard in school,
get good grades and find a job that helps people. To which President Bush said,
'That's an April Fool's joke, right?'" --Jay Leno
"The London Daily Telegraph says that more and more Democrats now believe their
candidate for president should be Al Gore, not Hillary or Barack. And today,
President Bush said, 'Well, if Al Gore can run again, that means I can too,
right?'" --Jay Leno
"Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke ... speaking before Congress warned we
may be headed towards a recession. Thank you, Captain Obvious. Let me guess, the
real estate market not looking too good either." --Jay Leno
"And Bush's secretary of housing announced he's stepping down. Well, sure, now
that no one has a house anymore, he's got nothing to do." --Jay Leno
"Yesterday on the campaign trail, John McCain gave a speech at the high school
he attended in Virginia. McCain told the senior class, 'What a coincidence! You
graduated in '08 and I graduated in '08.'" --Conan O'Brien
"You know who I like is that John McCain. You folks like John McCain?. ... He
looks like the guy at the hardware store who makes the keys. He looks like the
guy who can't stop talking about how well his tomatoes are doing. He looks like
the guy who goes into town for turpentine. He looks like the guy who always has
wiry hair growing out of new places. He looks like the guy who points out the
spots they missed at the car wash." --David Letterman
"The Washington Post reports that John McCain is having trouble raising enough
money for his campaign. Plus, every time someone does donate money to McCain, he
puts it in a card and sends it to his grandchildren." --Conan O'Brien
"But, see, I tell you - you know
what's interesting? He's not a bowler, obviously. And Barack Obama made the
typical mistake a lot of rookie bowlers make. He bowled sober. See, you never do
that." --Jay Leno
"And yesterday down in Washington D.C., President Bush threw out the first pitch
at the Nationals game. ... He stayed and then left in the 7th inning and I
thought, 'Great, at least he has an exit strategy for that.'" --David Letterman
"Do you like John McCain? I like John McCain. He looks like the kind of guy who
can't remember if he took his pill. He looks like the guy who goes to bed after
Andy Rooney. He looks like the guy who has his exhaust pipe tied to his rear
bumper." --David Letterman
This war going on between a powerful Shiite militia and the Iraqi army, which is
a powerful Shiite militia. It's so violent that Baghdad and five other cities
now are in complete lockdown. No one can go on the streets. So, if you're a
Republican looking for a photo-op to show how peaceful it is, now is a good
time." --Bill Maher
"By the way, this has nothing to do with al Qaeda. You know, Bush is always
talking about 'we're fighting al Qaeda and other extremists.' Yeah, al Qaeda who
actually attacked us. This is a war between rival Mafia families with George
Bush playing the part of 'Fredo.'" --Bill Maher
"It looks like Mitt Romney really wants to be picked as vice president. Did you
see the picture in the paper today of Romney talking to John McCain? Doesn't it
look the head of Leisure World explaining the benefits of assisted living to the
newest resident?" -- Jay Leno
"The White House is now outsourcing the manufacturing of our passports overseas.
Our passports will now be made in foreign countries. See, this is how a global
economy works. When an illegal immigrant from Mexico living in L.A. and working
in a Japanese-owned company wants to go home to visit his relatives, he uses a a
passport made in Thailand that he gets by a calling customer service number in
India. You see how it works? This could be the thing that makes Lou Dobbs' head
explode." --Jay Leno
"Hey, John McCain is moving up in the polls. In fact, he appears to be getting
support from younger voters. How young you say? Well, yesterday, he was endorsed
by Nancy Reagan. ... She said she's either going to endorse McCain or nobody.
Well, that's got to make you feel good, huh?" --Jay Leno
"And at a speech earlier today in Sterling, Virginia, President Bush said the
economy is going through a rough patch, but he's confident things will work out.
Unless you own a home, own a car, have stock, or you're over 65." --Jay Leno
"The mayor of Detroit, Kwame Kilpatrick, has been charged with perjury after he
got caught sending his chief of staff text messages about having sex. Yeah. He's
also being investigated for having strippers at the mayor's mansion. And, of
course, people are shocked. Detroit has a mayor's mansion?" --Jay Leno
"Speaking of old guys, how about that John McCain? I like John McCain. He looks
like the guy who gets frisky with the new waitress at IHOP. ... He looks like
the guy who watches his Cadillac go through the car wash. ... He looks like the
guy in the supermarket yelling into his cell phone, 'I'm in aisle three, Marge.
I can't find the brownie mix.'" --David Letterman
"In more serious news, big controversy last week after State Department
officials looked at passport files of all three major candidates. Turns out,
they got a hold of John McCain's Social Security number. Got his social security
number. You know what it is? Three." --Jay Leno
"Did you hear about this? Two
State Department employees were fired -- this is a bit of a scandal -- because
they were looking at Barack Obama's passport file. Not only that, but the same
person was also looking at John McCain's Civil War records." --David Letterman
"This week, John McCain received a
warm welcome in Israel. He was in Israel. You know, he is hugely popular in
Israel ever since he stood with the Jewish people against the pharaoh. They've
never forgotten." --Jay Leno
"President Bush's approval rating has reached a record low -- 31%. Wow. His
popularity is so low now, on his Facebook page, he only has imaginary friends."
--Jay Leno
"President Bush spoke about the war in Iraq again today. This week marks the
fifth anniversary of the beginning of the war. Bush said turning back now would
harm all the gains we've made. Like oil $100 a barrel, worthless dollar, a
recession. We can't afford to lose any of that!" --Jay Leno
I mentioned earlier this week, in Hawaii, the price of gas, over $4 a gallon.
Man. Once again, I think President Bush is a little confused. When he heard
about this he said, "You know, I'm more concerned about the price of gasoline
here in America." --Jay Leno
"And today, John McCain was in England, where he visited his birthplace,
Stonehenge." --Jay Leno
"Well, we have former presidential candidate John Edwards on the show tonight.
He ran a terrific campaign. His No. 1 issue, of course, was the poor and those
who live in poverty. Or, as we call them now, Bear Sterns stockholders." --Jay
Leno
"According to a new CNN poll just out today, John McCain would win the
presidential election if only beer drinkers voted. Now, a Democrat, either
Hillary or Barack would win, if only wine drinkers voted. But here's the
interesting part, if we all got really drunk on tequila, Ralph Nader might
actually have a shot." --Jay Leno
"Republican presidential nominee John McCain is in Iraq this week. He said his
goal as president is to introduce to the Iraqi people the concept of the early
bird special. Yeah, eating dinner at 4:30." --Jay Leno
"Today marks the five-year anniversary of the war in Iraq, and President Bush
said his decision to invade was 'remarkably effective.' Yeah, that's why we're
still there after five years. Happy Anniversary!" --Jay Leno
"Interesting fact came out today on the new $5 bill. It turns out it used to be
the old $10 bill." --Jay Leno
"How about that John McCain, ladies and gentlemen? Do you like John McCain? John
McCain recently said that he supports George Bush's Iraq policy. I said, well,
sure, slice me eight more years of that, will ya?" --David Letterman
"I do like John McCain. He looks like a guy who thinks he is sheriff of the
neighborhood, you know? 'You're going to have to trim back those hedges. You are
gonna have to get out there and trim them back.' ... He looks like the guy who
is a regular at the paint store. 'What color is that? You gotta use that up. I'm
looking for a Humbolt Blue.' ... He looks like a guy who walks by your house
with his arthritic dog." --David Letterman
"Vice President Dick Cheney, you know where he is right now? He's in Baghdad. He
visited there. While he was in Iraq, he said that it's a successful endeavor. At
least I think that's what he said. It was hard to hear over the explosions."
--David Letterman
"How about the economy? You folks jittery about the economy? And the stock
market? ... George Bush, earlier today, reassured the country about the economy.
He said, 'I'm on top of it.' George W. Bush, our president, said I'm on top it.
I said to myself, well, that's good enough for me." --David Letterman
"John McCain's daughter is in the news. John McCain's daughter says that a lot
of guys don't want to date her because her dad makes her too high-profile. Yeah.
That's part of the reason. It's also because McCain's daughter is 63 years old.
... Her name is Mable. She was a nurse in the Korean War. Lovely girl." --Conan
O'Brien
"So the last governor was going to hookers. The new governor admits to having an
affair. Do you think New York is longing for the good old days when Rudy
Giuliani would just run around in women's clothes?" --Jay Leno
"Vice President Dick Cheney went to Iraq. Or, as he calls it, Spring Break."
--Jay Leno
"Did you see Cheney on the news, sitting with the troops having breakfast? Did
you see the breakfast in front of him? The plate was loaded with sausage, bacon,
eggs. Who put that meal together? al Qaeda? Was that their plan? Wait for his
heart to explode when he's in Iraq." --Jay Leno
"Speaking of that, this week marks the fifth anniversary of the Iraq war and the
third anniversary of 'Mission Accomplished.' ... Remember critics saying, oh,
the war was just about oil so we could keep the price of gasoline cheap? That
worked out well, didn't it? Now we're the ones with shock and awe." --Jay Leno
"I've been watching that John Adams miniseries on HBO. You seen this? Boy, it's
really good. You know, it's fun to see all the Founding Fathers. They're all in
it. John Adams, George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, John McCain" --Jay Leno
"The price of gasoline, oh, my
God, it's going crazy. In Hawaii, now over $4 a gallon. Again, President Bush, I
don't think he understands the problem. Like today, he says, 'First off, nobody
drives to Hawaii.'" --Jay Leno
"Anybody got one of these yet, the new redesigned $5 bill? It's out, new $5
bill. It has several new features. One of the new features, it's only worth $3."
--Jay Leno
"The dollar has fallen fast on the world market. In fact, there has now been a
request to take 'In God We Trust' off the bill. The request came from God."
--Jay Leno
"But President Bush is concerned about the economy. He admitted today that the
economy is a little sluggish, a little sluggish right now. The same way Elvis is
a little sluggish right now, too. Elvis can't come out, he's a little sluggish."
--David Letterman
"A lot of American dignitaries visiting the Middle East. Senator McCain, running
for president, is in Iraq. ... Of course, he remembers Iraq when it was known as
Mesopotamia." --David Letterman
"Vice President Dick Cheney also paid a surprise visit to Iraq. And Cheney is
very popular in the Middle East. I mean, he flashes them that nice, warm sneer
and they just go crazy. And in that part of the world he is known as Lawrence of
Arrhythmia." --David Letterman
"You know the amazing thing to me about this whole situation is? Now, we didn't
know anything about this woman. She'd given a fake name, 'Kristen,' and a vague
general description -- 5'5", petite. That's all we knew. Yet, reporters tracked
her down in a day and a half. A day in a half, they found her. Now, Osama bin
Laden, the most famous terrorist in the world -- he's 6'6", he's got a beard, he
wears the same robe and turban every day -- we have no idea." --Jay Leno
"Taking over for Governor Spitzer will be the lieutenant governor, David
Paterson, who is legally blind. Interesting. Once again, I don't think President
Bush really understands the situation. In fact, when he heard 'legally blind,'
he said, 'I love that movie.'" --Jay Leno
"With all the bad news about the economy today, John McCain started distancing
himself from President Bush. In fact, McCain was running so fast from President
Bush, he ran into Barack Obama, who was running from his minister, and Hillary,
who was running from Geraldine Ferraro. And they all just collided." --Jay Leno
"Did you see how much the dollar fell again today? ... The dollar is so low now,
all of Eliot Spitzer's hookers demand euros." --Jay Leno
"A blue-ribbon panel of educators put together by President Bush -- President
Bush put these guys together. He's determined that other countries' kids are
better at math because we try to teach our kids too much. Oh, that's the
problem? We're teaching them too much. Teach them less and they'll learn more.
In fact, don't teach them at all, they could grow up to be president of the
United States." --Jay Leno
"Don't kid yourselves, ladies and gentlemen, things are bad. We've got an
unpopular war, we have high energy prices, slumping economy. I just hope to God
the president doesn't find out." --David Letterman
"You folks excited about the presidential race? What do you think of John
McCain? I like John McCain. He looks like the guy at the bakery who doesn't hear
his number called. ... He looks like the guy who likes to watch the plumber
work." --David Letterman
"Big news out of the Pentagon. The Pentagon just published a report, just a
couple of hours ago, that officially confirms that there was never any link
between Saddam Hussein and al Qaeda. Never any link. Yeah. The report is
entitled, 'Oops, Our Bad.'" --Conan O'Brien
"The president was pretty blunt in his speech today, but at the end he managed
to put a positive spin on things [on screen: Bush laughing after a series of
negative things are said about the economy]. He has a special gift, and that is
being able to see humor in everything. Thank goodness I have all my money
invested in breakfast sausage." --Jimmy Kimmel
"You know how the governor got caught? Through wiretaps. You see, Democrats get
caught in sex scandals through wiretapping. Republicans get caught in sex
scandals through foot tapping." --Jay Leno
"I think the world of John
McCain. He looks like the kind of guy who still talks real loud on a
long-distance phone call? 'What time is it where you are? What? Can you hear
me?' ... He looks like the guy you are waiting for to stop gabbing with the
teller. ... He looks like a guy who sits at his dinner tray and watches the
'Beltway Boys.' ... He looks like the relative who you get blank e-mails from.
... He looks like the guy whose wife forced him to go on a cruise. ... He looks
like the guy you have to nudge when his name is called. ... He looks like a
freelance crosswalk guard." --David Letterman
"In a press conference today, President Bush announced America is not headed
into a recession, especially if you own an oil company." --Jay Leno
"High gas prices leave a bad taste in people's mouths, have you noticed that?
That's mostly from the siphoning, but still it's a horror. ... In fact, gas is
so expensive in L.A., now when you call 9-1-1, they ask you to meet the
ambulance half way." --Jay Leno
"I don't want to say McCain is old, but yesterday he got on the wrong bus, and
ended up taking a gambling junket to Atlantic City." --Jay Leno
"He says things will improve once those $300 rebate checks start arriving in the
mailbox. So, be sure to check that mailbox in the house you used to live in
before the sheriff came and took it away." --Bill Maher
"At the press conference, they asked him about the fact gas is approaching $4.
You know what Bush said? He said, 'That's interesting. I hadn't heard that.'
See, Bush thinks a news conference is where reporters give him the news" --Bill
Maher
"President Bush on Thursday said that the country is not heading for a recession
and that the economy is actually robust. He added, 'Case in point, I'm rich!'"
--Amy Poehler
"Well, this is depressing. Oil is now over $100 a barrel. Experts say gas could
reach $4 a gallon, yeah. I believe the experts are named Bush and Cheney." --Jay
Leno
"During a press conference today, President Bush said the following. He said
it's important we make the economy stronger so -- quote -- 'families can put
money on their table.' Yes, then Bush said that Americans should deposit food in
their bank accounts. It was a good speech. I liked it. It's hard to top what he
actually said." --Conan O'Brien
"No, Obama and Hillary argued last night over which candidate the Republicans
are most afraid of. Interesting. I don't want to take sides here, but I think
it's pretty obvious which candidate Republicans are most afraid of, John
McCain." --Jay Leno
"And my favorite candidate, Ralph Nader, announced he's running for president!
Oh, I love Ralph. You know, you can't get rid of him. Every election year he
pops up. He's like the herpes of presidential candidates." --Jay Leno
"No, Nader says his reason for running is that he spent over 40 years as a
consumer advocate. I think after 40 years of studying consumers' wants and
needs, he'd realize consumers don't want or need him now" --Jay Leno
"Florida officials are still in a panic over yesterday's big power outage. You
hear about that? A huge power outage. They were on the phone today with
President Bush saying, 'We know it wasn't supposed to happen until Election Day.
We don't what happened. It was premature.'" --Jay Leno
"I don't know if you have seen this. It's everywhere. They have a controversial
photo of Barack Obama wearing a turban. It's been circulating on the Internet.
Yeah, the turban photo should help Obama with a key group of voters, the New
York taxi drivers." --Conan O'Brien
"I like Ralph Nader. He looks
like a guy who comes into town once a year for supplies. ... He looks like a guy
you would see sitting on his front porch watching for out-of-state plates. ...
Ralph Nader looks like a postal worker who doesn't know whether to retire or
start shooting." --David Letterman
"As you know, last week the big rumor, according to the New York Times, is John
McCain was allegedly sleeping with a a young, attractive lobbyist. Well, that
story has pretty much gone away. In fact, the only one trying to keep it alive
now? John McCain." --Jay Leno
"And God bless him, Ralph Nader running for president again. Yeah, yeah! Nader
says he's running for president again because the Democrats did not stop
President Bush on the war in Iraq and on the tax cuts. Stop him? If Nader hadn't
run, there wouldn't have been a President Bush." --Jay Leno
"And speaking of that, President Bush said today that he is very concerned about
the acceleration of hostilities in the former Yugoslavia. See, again, I don't
think President Bush is really familiar with this region of the world. Like, he
said today that violence in Serbia could spread to Suburbia and claim the lives
of millions of Suburbanites." --Jay Leno
"You know what's amazing? All the acting Oscars went to foreigners. Foreigners
won everything. In fact, today, Lou Dobbs called for a 10-foot fence to be built
around Hollywood." --Jay Leno
"In political news, Ralph Nader has decided to run for president. Well, you
thought Mike Huckabee didn't know when to quit, huh? There you go. In fact,
Ralph Nader's campaign slogan -- 'It's me again.'" --Jay Leno
"Nader's gonna be 74 next week. In fact, the good news, if Ralph gets sick, his
younger brother, Raul Nader, will then take over." --Jay Leno
"This is exciting news. Southern Methodist University announced that they will
be the home of George W. Bush's presidential library. This will be the first
presidential library to be made up entirely of small, shiny objects. In fact, I
understand right now, they're building a shelf for the book." --Jay Leno
"Now, as you probably know, President Bush's wife, Laura, was a librarian when
they met. Did you know that? In fact, she's the only thing he ever checked out
of a library" --Jay Leno
"Things getting nasty now between the Clinton and Obama campaigns. They've been
so civil for a while. Now it's getting nasty. Check this out, Hillary Clinton's
campaign has been circulating a photo of Barack Obama wearing a traditional
Somali dress. Meanwhile, Obama's campaign has been circulating a photo of
Hillary wearing a traditional Somali pantsuit." --Conan O'Brien
"Yesterday, Ralph Nader announced he's running for president again. Immediately
after the announcement, the guy sitting next to Nader on the park bench told him
to shut up." --Conan O'Brien
"Ralph Nader announced he is running for president again. His announcement has
filled millions of people with excitement and hope. And these people are called
Republicans." --Craig Ferguson
"Now that he is the Republican frontrunner, it looks like John McCain has
changed his position on torture. He's now in favor of waterboarding, but only in
very limited cases -- like if you're editor of the New York Times." --Jay Leno
"No, they say this woman traveled around with McCain on his campaign stops, and
she also flew aboard his private jet. Do you know what you call a young woman
traveling around with a 71-year-old man? A nurse." --Jay Leno
"They have debated so much that they are now debating about debating. Did you
see this? A lot of this debate was about the power of words. Hillary said,
'Actions speak louder than words,' Then Obama said, 'Words can speak as loud as
actions.' And then McCain said, 'Speak louder!'" --Bill Maher
"John McCain's pick-up line is, 'Did you know that 150 is the new 130?'" --Bill
Maher
"Come on, what girl could resist? An old guy with anger problems and a bus."
--Bill Maher
"But I'm not buying this. I don't believe this story. I think this is a cynical
attempt by the McCain campaign to make their candidate appear youthful and
vigorous. I think they made the whole thing up and filtered it through the New
York Times. You know, just like Bush did with the weapons of mass destruction in
Iraq. ... Because there's no real evidence to this story. Yes, a lot of people
saw McCain going around with a cheap blond in a slinky dress, but they figured
it was Rudy Giuliani." --Bill Maher
"Speaking of cheating ... Senator John McCain has been accused of having an
affair with a woman who was a lobbyist for a cable television company. During
their affair, the cable lobbyist would show up at McCain's house sometime
between 8:00 a.m. and 3:00 p.m." --Conan O'Brien
"The New York Times this week printed an article alleging that John McCain may
have had an improper affair with lobbyist Vicki Iseman. Or, as it's known among
lobbyists, lobbying." --Amy Poehler
""The New York Times says that John McCain had a close, personal relationship
with a beautiful, young, female lobbyist. Do you believe this? Think about it. A
senator, who's a Republican having sex with a woman." --Jay Leno
"They say this woman works for the telecommunications lobby. Apparently, she
called McCain out of the blue and asked, "Are you happy with your current sex
provider?" --Jay Leno
"Mike Huckabee's campaign is starting to taper off a little bit. Like for the
big rallies, Chuck Norris just sends his stunt double." --Jay Leno
"Over in Africa, President Bush is being welcomed as a hero in Tanzania. See,
that's because President Bush always said one day third world countries would
have the same economy as the United States and thanks to his economic plan, now
they do." --Jay Leno
"But seriously how about that John McCain? John McCain looks like a guy whose
head you can barely see over the steering wheel. ... John McCain looks like the
guy who thinks the nurses are stealing his stuff. 'Dad, why would they take your
socks? It doesn't make sense.'" I like that John McCain. He looks like a guy who
gets tickets for mowing under the influence. He looks like a guy with a
collection of movies he bought at the car wash. He looks like a guy on the beach
with a metal detector. He looks like the guy who is still confused by the phone
answering machine: 'Hello, is that - hello, is that you? Larry, Larry, hello?'
He looks like the guy who calls his grandson when he screws up the remote:
'Well, now all the shows are in Spanish. What am I going to do, hello? He looks
like the guy in front of you at the movies whose wife has to repeat everything,
doesn't he a little bit? He looks like the guy who still has a rotary phone. He
looks like the guy who backed over his own mailbox. He looks like the guy whose
sweater is always misbuttoned - you know that guy? He looks like the guy that
always tells you he's 72 years young. He looks like the guy who's bragged that
oatmeal has lowered his cholesterol. He looks kind of like a Wal-Mart greeter,
John McCain. He's the guy who is always early for the early bird special, that's
what he looks like. He looks like the guy at the supermarket who is confused by
the automatic doors. He looks like the uncle who pretends to remove his thumb."
--David Letterman
"John McCain seems reinvigorated.
He has a new campaign slogan, 'He'll lead you into the 21st century.' I like it
better than the old slogan, which was 'He'll lead you into assisted living.'"
--David Letterman
"Experts believe that now that Fidel
has resigned, he will either be succeeded by his brother, Raul, or by his idiot
son, Fidel W. Castro." --David Letterman
"Senator John McCain has unveiled a new campaign slogan - "Ready To Lead America
Into The 21st Century." Yeah, yeah. And this is a lot better than his old
slogan, 'I've Been Around Since The 19th Century.'" --Conan O'Brien
"I like John McCain. He looks like an old guy in a coffee shop who's still
complaining about the designated hitter.'" --David Letterman
"And Senator John McCain was on the Larry King show the other night. He and
Larry got in a big argument over whose prostate was larger." --Jay Leno
"President Bush is now in Africa, where he's meeting with several of Africa's
top leaders. See, again, I don't think President Bush is that familiar with
Africa. Like, today, he said the leader he's most looking forward to meeting -
the Lion King." --Jay Leno
"Yesterday appearing on stage together in Boston, Mitt Romney endorsed John
McCain. You see that picture? You see him standing there? Looked like the head
of Leisure World giving out an award to the senior shuffleboard champion. --Jay
Leno
Actually, political experts say that Mitt Romney has the No. 1 thing John McCain
is looking for in a vice presidential candidate - an organ donor card." --Jay
Leno
"And I guess you heard the U.S. military is going to shoot down that satellite
that's falling to Earth. See, I knew this would happen. I knew it was just a
matter of time before President Bush did a preemptive strike on ourselves. Do
you know his rationale for shooting down the satellite? He said he wants to try
and bring democracy to outer space." --Jay Leno
"President Bush says if John McCain is the Republican nominee, he will campaign
for him. Well, you can't do better than that." --David Letterman
"Former President George H.W. Bush will endorse Senator John McCain for
president. They have been close friends since the Civil War and the former
president says that John McCain is the only candidate who has the strength, the
leadership and the vision to dig America out of this giant hole his son has put
us in." --Jimmy Kimmel
"After John McCain swept yesterday's primaries he purposely stole a line Barack
Obama's been using, 'I'm fired up and ready to go.' When Obama heard this he
stole a line McCain's been using, 'I'm old and not sure where I am.'" --Conan
O'Brien
"Senator John McCain did very well. He swept as well. He won all his primaries.
Of course the big question with McCain is his age. I don't want to say he's old,
but I understand his new campaign slogan is, 'Why did I come in here for
again?'" --Jay Leno
Scientists for the United States Army have developed a sandwich that can remain
edible for three years. Well, if that doesn't get guys to re-up, nothing will.
Let me tell you, that shows you how dedicated our armed forces are. I mean, the
other side offers their guys, what, 72 virgins? We get a 3-year-old sandwich."
--Jay Leno
"Asked why he is still in the
race, Mike Huckabee said, 'I have nothing else to do.' So it sounds like he
really is running for vice president." --Jay Leno
"Republicans say that John McCain will be good for business. They didn't say
what business, but I'm guessing probably the Scooter Store, Doan's Pills,
Craftmatic Adjustable Bed, and the Miracle Ear." --Jay Leno
"As you know, Mitt Romney's campaign is dead. Although I understand why those
officials just told President Bush he went to 'live on a farm.'" --Jay Leno
"Amazing how quickly things change in politics. I was discussing it this morning
with my driver, Mitt Romney." --Jay Leno
"Mitt Romney threw in the monogrammed towel. That leaves McCain and Huckabee.
The old guy and the preacher. Which brings up the philosophical question: Which
one is closer to God?" --Jay Leno
"It looks like John McCain has gotten the nod. Of course, McCain getting a
nomination, this is Rush Limbaugh's worst nightmare since the pharmacist said,
"We're out of OxyContin." --Jay Leno
"Democrats are split pretty evenly between Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama. I
say, when in doubt let your favorite celebrity decide for you. I usually vote
for whomever Cher is voting for." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Mitt Romney did not do too well. Mitt Romney keeps touting the impottance of
having a job in the private sector. Now it looks like he might need it." --Jay
Leno
"You know what's interesting?
Even though McCain is the frontrunner tomorrow in the big Super Duper Tuesday
thing, the other GOP candidates still sniping at each other. You've been
following this? Romney wants Huckabee to quit. Some think McCain is too liberal.
Others think Romney is too conservative. Remember the good old days when the
Republican Party was united against the poor? What happened?" --Jay Leno
"Rudy Giuliani dropped out of the race. I will miss Rudy Giuliani as a comedian.
I will miss the arguments he had with Mitt Romney. It was like a Halloween
costume debating a mannequin." --Bill Maher
"We had Senator John McCain on the show last night. If he wins, he would be the
oldest president ever to take office. But the good news, at 71, he would be
eligible for pre-boarding on Air Force One." --Jay Leno
"Anybody see the Republican debate last night? ... Nasty, nasty debate, at one
point, Mitt Romney got so upset, so agitated, so worked up, that his hair
cracked." --David Letterman
"The Republican race is now down to McCain and Romney. Interesting two guys, you
got the guy who spent five years in a prison camp versus the guy who spent five
years in the tanning booth." --Jay Leno
"Giuliani dropped out of the presidential race, but don't worry about him. He's
already busy looking for wife number four." --David Letterman
"Vice President Dick Cheney, 67 years old today. What a party. Friends got
together and threw a big party for him, and then Cheney tortured the cake. That
was good. Then they all enjoyed playing shoot the tail off the donkey." --David
Letterman
"Actually, it was a tough fight for McCain, because a lot of Florida voters were
not sure about him. You know, at age 71, McCain was a lot younger than most
Florida Republicans. So they were a little leery that some punk is coming in."
--Jay Leno
"The Democrats will not count the Florida vote. They're punishing Florida for
moving their primary up. Do you know about this? So the delegates don't count.
How ironic is that? The one election in Florida that is done early and it
doesn't count." --Jay Leno
"It looks like Rudy Giuliani is out of the race. Finally, a Republican with an
exit strategy." --Jay Leno
"President Bush has announced his new economic plan this week. It's called 'The
Check Is In The Mail.'" --Jay Leno
"On the Republican side, Rudolph Giuliani has dropped out. America's Mayor, John
Q 9/11, it's over. For months, Giuliani was the frontrunner for the Republican
nomination, and then people started voting. ... He finished in ninth place and
11th place." --Jon Stewart
"Giuliani spent so much time campaigning in Florida that he literally turned
into Uncle Leo." --Jon Stewart
"The experts are saying the State of the Union address was very ambitious.
President Bush said he plans to introduce dozens of bold, new
mispronunciations." --David Letterman
"During the speech, President Bush was optimistic and upbeat about Iraq and the
economy. So, apparently, he's drinking again." --David Letterman
"President Bush said the State of the Union was good, not as good as his buddies
at Exxon, but still pretty good." --Jay Leno
"You know what I thought was interesting? While the president was speaking last
night, they had an online translation of the speech in Arabic, Vietnamese,
Mandarin Chinese, Farsi and Spanish. So, I guess President Bush really is trying
to reach out to the people of California." --Jay Leno
"Here's one of those
philosophical questions. If Fred Thompson stopped campaigning, how could you
tell?" --Jay Leno
"One year from today, we will swear in a new president of the United States. How
about that? And, as Hillary Clinton likes to say, 'Whoever she may be.'" --Jay
Leno
"In Saudi Arabia last week, President Bush was criticized for doing a little
ceremonial dance with a sword given to him by the Saudi prince. A lot of people
thought the president was pandering to the Saudis. To be fair, I don't think the
president was pandering. See, I think President Bush is truly fascinated by
bright, shiny objects." --Jay Leno
"At the big Democratic debate the other night, NBC would not allow presidential
candidate Dennis Kucinich into the debate because his poll numbers were not high
enough. How ironic is that? NBC saying your ratings are too low. That's like
Britney Spears going, 'What are you nuts?'" --Jay Leno
"John McCain came in second in Michigan. There was one embarrassing moment
yesterday when McCain spoke at a polling place that was also a funeral home. I
don't want to say McCain looked old but when he tried to leave the funeral home,
he had to show ID." --Jay Leno
"While he was in Saudi Arabia this week, President Bush met with the Saudi Crown
Prince Abdullah. See, President Bush is not good in these social situations,
like he kept asking the prince about his sister, Paula Abdullah." --Jay Leno
"Saudi Arabia has pledged to fight rising oil prices. Let's hope it works out
better than their pledge to fight terrorism." --Jay Leno
"Saudi Arabia announced today that contrary to rumors of dwindling oil supplies,
they have plenty of oil. In fact, with the most recent estimate, they said they
have enough oil to keep screwing us for the next 300 years." --Jay Leno
"Scientists announced today they have been able to grow rat hearts in a lab. ...
Finally, some good news for Dick Cheney" --Jay Leno
"Fred Thompson said he is out
trying to revitalize his campaign. What does he mean 're'? When was it
vitalized?" --Jay Leno
"California is having a lot budget problems. In his budget talk speech
yesterday, our own Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger says that California should be
more like Arkansas. And today, Britney Spears' pregnant 16-year-old sister said,
'Hey, I'm doing my part.'" --Jay Leno
"The New York Times says the Supreme Court may give the okay for voter ID laws.
You know what this is? This means you would have to show an ID to get into a
voting booth, which is pretty amazing considering right now most people don't
even show an ID to get into the country" --Jay Leno
"The price of milk has gone up 36%. Here's what happened. The cows have joined
OPEC. ... But don't worry, President Bush is already on the problem. He is going
to fight the high cost of milk. He is planning to invade Wisconsin." --David
Letterman
"New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson
has dropped out of the presidential race, because of his poor showing in Iowa
and New Hampshire. Fred Thompson was going to drop out, but nobody knows he's in
it." --Jay Leno
"President Bush met with the Prime Minister of Israel, Ehud Olmert. ... He was a
little awkward. 'Cause his English isn't very good and, of course, President
Bush's is worse." --Jay Leno
"President Bush also said today that he is worried that Iraq will be overrun by
religious fundamentalists. Hey, let me tell you something. If it's good enough
for the Republican Party, it is good enough for Iraq." --Jay Leno
"Kind of a scary incident in the
Straits of Hormuz this week. Do you know about this, where those Iranian boats
threatened our navy? ... President Bush said today he has no plans to attack
Iran. Oh, he's still going to attack, he just has no plans." --Jay Leno
"Did you folks see the debates in New Hampshire over the weekend? Oh my god,
dull. ... I mean, they were so dull that today, and it was official, I saw it in
the paper, New Hampshire changed its state slogan from 'Live Free or Die' to
'Please Shoot Me.'" --David Letterman
"Congratulations to Mike Huckabee, to Barack Obama. ... Iowa has spoken. Cold,
white people have had their say. Tomorrow night is New Hampshire, where colder,
whiter people will have their say. And if all goes right, Obama and Huckabee
will soon be the president of Scandinavia." --Jon Stewart
"As you know, tonight was the big
night in Iowa. ... It's easy to remember because this is the only big night in
Iowa. ... You know what the candidates average? They spend an average of $200
per vote in Iowa. $200 per vote! How many would rather have the cash?" --Jay
Leno
"We don't know the results. So I'm just going by the polls in the paper this
morning. But Fred Thompson, what happened to him? Oh, my God. He's doing so
badly, it's like he's back here on NBC." --Jay Leno
"The Writers Guild strike does continue. Fortunately, we've been able to
negotiate an agreement but the strike continues. ... Here's what the writers
want and you tell me if you don't think this is fair. Here's all they want: The
Writers Guild wants a share of Internet revenues and four more years of
President Bush." --David Letterman
"Well, congratulations to Barack Obama, the big winner of the Democratic caucus.
... Stunning victory. He got 57% of the youth vote, 35% of the female vote, and
100% of Iowa's black vote, a guy named Larry." --Jay Leno
"As you may have heard, earlier this week, the price of oil closed at $100 a
barrel. You see, I don't think President Bush really understands this issue. In
fact, when they asked him what effect this would have on average Americans,
President Bush said it wouldn't have much effect at all. He said, 'Most
Americans buy their oil in little cans.'" --Jay Leno
"By the way, ladies and gentlemen, the writers strike is still going on. And
during the strike I like to show my support. So here's what I would do. I'd go
out to the picket line every day, and as I drove by I'd have my chauffeur honk.
... I'm the kind of guy I make no pretenses about this. I need writers. I'm one
of those guys I got to have writers. Me without writers is like Roger Clemens
without human growth hormones." --David Letterman
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