Life is Better Now that I Am a Republican

Guest Editorial from a local Democratic wag:

Life is so much better now that I have become a Republican. When I see the scenes from Florida where people are standing in front of the Orange Bowl asking for a government hand out of food and water it just makes me ill. When I think about how much better that money could be spent. The fact the they are wasting time with these people instead of fixing the damaged light poles at the Orange Bowl so the Miami Hurricanes could get better national TV game time exposure it is sickening. Lets hope this doesn't degenerate into round the clock New Orleans type of coverage. The liberal media wastes time covering these people who didn't have sense enough to leave when Katrina was coming. Hell almost all my new Republican friends had sense enough to go to their second homes like Kennebunkport or something similar. Why these folks didn't immediately head out to their second homes is beyond me. It boggles the mind to think what we are spending on food and water when that money should be spent revising our guide books to National Parks so they are consistent with "Intelligent Design." How else could we enjoy the Grand Canyon if we didn't know this erosion took place less than 6,000 years ago?

Now to make matters worse, the tree huggers are going on TV saying some of our weather problems are being caused by environmental problems have created ourselves. I just get furious when I hear that we Republicans do not have an energy policy. I guess you haven't been looking at energy companies bottom line profits. Look at the wonderful job congress is doing passing a highway bill that has new roads going everywhere and costing billions and billions of dollars. At least we are not spending billions and billions of dollars on tree hugger programs such as alternative fuels or new 21st century transportation systems.

Another good thing about being a Republican is that I have learned to get 9/11 into any question I am asked. The other day I was walking down the street and someone asked "How you doing" I answered "Better than I was 9/11." Some friends asked how the Hawkeyes or Cornhuskers were going to do this season. My answer "In this post 9/11 atmosphere I think if they can win their games down the stretch they will get a very good bowl bid." Just the other night someone called and asked if I was in the mood to grab something to eat. My answer: "Based on the 9/11 experience how about pizza and beer."

The biggest thing that makes me mad since I have become a Republican is how the liberal media never shows our successful programs. Like the Bankruptcy Reform Bill, which shows how much better can the laws of government can work. It allows credit card companies to continue their predatory lending practices while also allowing major corporations the right to screw their employees out of benefits they have spent a lifetime earning. And here is the best part: any money that is spent of these workers is paid for by the government.

Which brings me to my final point. The screaming by some Democrats about the deficit which they say is out of control. When I hear some pointy headed Nobel prize winning economist using fuzzy math saying the deficits are caused by tax cuts for the nations richest 1% and pork barrel special interest spending to reelect Republican congressman, I really wonder if they have any grasp on reality. At least the 2004 election gave me some hope. The American people spoke loud and clear that they understand the real reason our children and economy are in peril: "The deficits are caused by homosexual marriage."