The Passive-Aggressive Art

It's been four months and haven't we all moved through some of the stages of grief from the election?

Denial: "Oh this sooooo can't be happening. We lost? No way! The machines were rigged. They didn't count all the ballots."

Anger: "I live in a RED STATE? I CAN'T live in a RED STATE!"

Bargaining: "I will give up red meat, smoking, martinis, and carbs if I can just wake up and find out Dubya ain't President anymore."

Depression: "Four more years and we're only six weeks into it? Pass me that steak, my smokes, and my Cosmo. (heavy sigh)."

But the last stage? Acceptance? I refuse! But how to get away with being a Refusenik in a locale where half our neighbors think so differently from us and gloat so much? Isn't there anything we can do to make ourselves feel better? YES!

May I introduce to you Sticker Shock. The main point of Sticker Shock is to find Passive-Aggressive ways to be a pain to Republicans on the micro level. Here are some actual ideas Liberal friends of mine have implemented to deal with the emotional scars we bear from the last election.

1. The Triple D: The Deliberate Door Ding. So you drive a beater vehicle (or not) and you pull up next to the Lexus covered with Bush stickers in the parking lot. Make sure to park close and fling your door open. If anyone sees you, claim "the wind took it." It's Iowa. There's always wind. This tactic brought so much joy at a parking lot in Des Moines, that the Liberal Girl who discovered the Triple D "let the wind take it" on the back door, too, while getting her daughter out of a car seat. Those are MY kind of Family Values!

2. Ergonomic Exercise. Liberal Girl also discovered that a way to enliven an I-80 road trip was to exercise her middle digit everytime she saw a Bush sticker.

3. Deface Something. A friend in DC reports that he draws mustaches, horns, and blacks out teeth on the pictures of Administration leaders during the train ride to work. He also adds derogatory word balloons. He then leaves his "art" on the train for others to enjoy. Sure, we don't have trains, but the waiting room at the dentist's office will work fine!

4. Dawdle. Today an SUV plastered with anti-Democratic bumper stickers was pulling out of a parking spot. I walked very slowly past her as she backed out, reading her stickers, then walked slowly in front of her straight down the middle of the driveway so she couldn't get around me and I sloooooooowwwwllly meandered to deliberately inconvenience her. It felt sooooooooo goood. Better than chocolate!

5. Trash Talk. Coming back from lunch a couple of weeks ago, three Angry Liberal Ladies tossed their empty beverage containers in the bed of a pickup truck covered with Bush stickers. Use your imagination. Be a little naughty. It's OK. They already hate us.

6. Talk Back. Democrats are way too nice and too respectful of other people's opinions. If you feel a good rant brewing up and can't find a like-minded Democrat to spout off to, don't feel like you have to hold it in the next time some dumb guy at a party goes off on gay marriage or Clinton's sex life. Make sure to mention war casualties, the deficit, Social Security roulette, or your favorite issue. Take a tip from our buddy Bill O'Reilly and just don't let them get a word in edgewise. Call them stupid and lazy. They like and respect words like stupid and lazy because they show resolve! Remind them that it doesn't make any difference if they think you are wrong because you are strong and showing resolve! Give yourself bonus points if you can work in that you are a regular church-goer.

7. B.S. Bingo. Make up a bingo card of all the truly nauseating Bush-speak you can think of then turn on Fox-TV and daub away. Good words to include are: Faith-Based, Free Mispronunciation Space (impordant, supposably, misunderestimate), Liberals, WMD, threats, freedom, democracy, self-reliance, accountability, overtaxed.

Does anyone have any other cool passive-aggressive ideas? Share them! Revenge is a dish best served cold, so be coughing up some cold cash to your local Dems, the DNC, a candidate you support, or a cause you believe in. Write your legislators. Call your senators. Stay involved. Anything less would be, well, stupid and lazy!