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2006 Late Night Political Humor Archive:
Collected by the incredible San Diego Democratic Party at www.sddemocrats.org
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"A new poll shows that one in five Americans believe they can't trust President Bush. To put it another way, more Americans would be comfortable accepting a ride from Nicole Richie." --David Letterman

"They had the Iraqi Commission report and President Bush says he will not make a decision about getting us out of Iraq until 2007. He says he wants to give it some careful thought ... unlike getting us into Iraq." --David Letterman

"This is an anniversary. Do you know what happened on this day in 2003? We found Saddam Hussein. And isn't it nice that since we've captured Saddam Hussein, we haven't had to worry about terrorism or nuts with nuclear weapons? Everything's so much better now" --David Letterman

"Here's an interesting lawsuit. A judge has ruled that because all paper money feels the same, the government discriminates against the blind. I think that's unfair. The government doesn't discriminate against the blind. Hey, isn't that who led us into Iraq?" --Jay Leno

"President Bush actually said today he will not be rushed into a decision about Iraq. I guess one time is enough for him." --Jay Leno

"President Bush today completed what he called 'a listening tour.' He met and pretended to be listening to various people from the State Department and the Pentagon -- all the people he should have met with before the war" --Jimmy Kimmel

"President Bush has received a copy of the 96-page Iraq Study Group report. When they gave it to him, President Bush said, 'Don't tell me how it ends.' They said, 'Uh, it doesn't.'" --Jay Leno

The long anticipated Iraq Study Group report was delivered to President Bush this week. He promised to take it just as seriously as all the other Iraq reports stuffed down between his desk and the wall." -- Amy Poehler

"You know the part of the Iraqi report that concerns President Bush the most? Having to read it." --Jay Leno

"Today the House Ethics Committee ... released its report on Mark Foley. ... Well, they found willful ignorance, but no rules were broken. They said the whole thing was proper according to the law. Okay, Cardinal Bernard law. .. Hitting on kids is not a crime? Who was chairing this commission, Michael Jackson." --Jay Leno

"Earlier in the week, NASA announced plans to establish a manned base on the moon. President Bush was quick to point out, 'We're only going to stay on the moon until the moon people are able to govern themselves. ... President Bush also suggested waiting until there was a full moon, so there would be more places to land.'" --Jay Leno

"Vice President Cheney's lesbian daughter, Mary, is pregnant. ... The big guessing game in Washington now is who donated the sperm? I'm guessing Ann Coulter." --Jay Leno

"It is in book form and entitled, 'The Way Forward -- A New Approach,' a stark contrast from the book Bush had been operating from, 'Deeper and Deeper into the Hole That I Myself Have Dug.'" --Jon Stewart, on the Iraq Study Group report

"According to a new study, children figure out the truth about Santa Claus between the ages of three and six. Although the study says that the age is much later for some U.S. presidents." --Conan O'Brien

"NASA's planning to return to the moon. ... NASA says that when we go back this time we're going to have a permanent base, and by 2027 astronauts will be living on the moon year round. ... Here's the thing. NASA gave no cost estimate or design details. That's right, a giant project with no blueprint, no budget perimeters and no timetable. Which means there is only one person who could make this thing work -- Donald Rumsfeld. ... NASA, snap him up. His resume's already been on Monster.com for two weeks." --Stephen Colbert

"Today was the first and only day of confirmation hearings for his replacement Robert Gates. ... The committee immediately confirmed the guy. They really only had one question: Are you now or have you ever been Donald Rumsfeld? He said, 'No.' ... He showed them his driver's license and utility bill, and boom, they confirmed him." --Stephen Colbert

"Now three schools are in the running for the George Bush presidential library. I understand the losing school will get it." --Jay Leno

"Conservative columnist Dennis Prager this week blasted Minnesota Democrat Keith Ellison, the first Muslim elected to Congress, for his decision to take the oath of office with his hand on a Koran instead of a Bible. Like this guy did [on screen: Tom DeLay]. Or this guy [on screen: Mark Foley]. Or this guy [on screen: Richard Nixon]. All bibles." --Seth Myers

"First Lady Laura Bush was on TV unveiling the White House menu for Christmas Dinner. ... For dessert, I guess they're going to feast on whatever or whoever Dick Cheney shoots that day." --Jimmy Kimmel

"President Bush met with the Iraqi Prime Minister Maliki. ... Afterwards President Bush said 'Maliki is the right man for the job.' Just to remind you, President Bush also said FEMA's Michael Brown was the right man for the job, Donald Rumsfeld, right man for the job, Tom DeLay was the right man for the job, which would be ok if Bush was the right man for the job." --Jay Leno

"President Bush stopped in Estonia to thank them for their help in Iraq. ... Remember the old days when our allies were countries like Italy, Spain, Germany. Now we're down to like Estonia, Latvia. Yes, the United States and Lichtenstein stand together!" --Jay Leno

"Amid this environment of treachery, the president visited one of his last bastions of support, the Baltic states, whose love for America clearly indicates we're better than Stalinist Russia." --Jon Stewart

"There's talk that Vice President Gore could win an Oscar for his movie. ... If he does get it, it would be his first win since the presidency in 2000." --Jay Leno

"The president's twin daughters are celebrating their 25th birthday with a trip to Argentina. Apparently their trip has caused what's known as chaos, to the point where, according to ABCNews.com, the American embassy and many Argentinian officials have strongly suggested the twins return to America. Just to repeat, Argentina, former safe-haven for Nazi war criminals, is drawing the line at the Bush twins." --Jon Stewart

"The Bush administration is upset with NBC News because NBC News has started referring to the situation in Iraq as a civil war. White House officials say they prefer the term explosion-filled misunderstanding." --Conan O'Brien

"The Pentagon is trying to convince Germany to send more troops to the war in Iraq. This marks the first time anyone has asked the Germans to send more troops." --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush is putting together his presidential library, and apparently the library is going to cost $500 million, which works out to $100 million per book. Expensive books, they're popouts." --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush is preparing to build his presidential library. ... Bush's is expected to cost $500 million. That's more than three times the cost of the Clinton library, and more than all the other libraries combined, which makes you wonder, how many Garfield books can there be?" --Jimmy Kimmel

"It's not that the library is going to be extravagant. It's just that he's hiring Haliburton to build it. They're the best." --Jimmy Kimmel

"NBC has announced that they will know refer to the Iraq war as a civil war. ... President Bush said no no no no no, it's not a civil war until it becomes a series of Time Life books." --David Letterman

"The Christmas tree was delivered to the White House yesterday. Just what we need at the White House, more dead wood." --David Letterman

"Mitt Romney may run for president. Some wonder if a Mormon could be elected president. I think he'd make a fine president. He'd be standing up there with his 18 first ladies." --Jay Leno

"President Bush is trying to raise $500 million for the Bush Presidential Library. It's not just a library, it will also contain a think tank, because when you think George W. Bush you think thinking." --David Letterman

"Vice President Dick Cheney visited Saudi Arabia over the weekend, and he's very popular in Saudi Arabia, over there he's known as Lawrence of Arrhythmia." --David Letterman

"Security's so bad for the Bush twins, the U.S. Embassy has asked them to leave Argentina and they said no. Like father, like daughter, they have no exit strategy." --Jay Leno

"This week President Bush is planning to attend a two-day NATO summit to discuss strategies for the war in Afghanistan. President Bush will be giving a speech called "Strategies, Who's Got One?'" --Conan O'Brien

"First Daughter Barbara Bush had her purse stolen. Somebody snatches her purse. What was in that purse, her father's plan for Iraq. Now we have to start all over again. A lot of people wondering if President Bush will be mad at his daughter for losing her purse. Hey, he lost the House and Senate." --Jay Leno

"Former evangelist James Dobson says he wants to work on the panel that's going to help his friend Ted Haggert go from being gay to not gay, but he says the process could take 4-5 years, and he says he doesn't have the time. See I would love to be on that panel, teaching the guy how not to be gay. What, are you going to strip clubs all day? Having all your lunches at Hooters?" --Jay Leno

"Henry Kissinger says the war in Iraq is un-winnable. And if anybody knows how not to win a war its Henry Kissinger." --Jay Leno

"Every year, President Bush gets to pardon one turkey, and this year it was Donald Rumsfeld." --David Letterman

"President Bush pardoned the White House turkey today. A lot of people are wondering why this particular bird was chosen to be saved. It turns out this turkey had donated thousands of dollars to the Republican National Committee." --Jay Leno

"President Bush is back from his big trip to Asia. In fact, this is the first time he was able to get out of Vietnam without any help from his dad." --Jay leno

"Long-time congressional leader Charles Rangel has announced he wants to bring back the draft. This could get a lot more guys signing up for ROTC. I was in ROTC -- Run Off to Canada." --Jay Leno

"A new poll finds that 60 percent of Americans think George W. Bush is a worse president than his father. However, President Bush's advisers cheered him up by telling him he's the second best George Bush who's ever been president." --Conan O'Brien

"Tomorrow at the White House, President Bush will pardon the turkey ... and today, Dick Cheney spent all day torturing it" --David Letterman

"President Bush on Monday met for more than an hour with the independent panel examining strategic options for Iraq and cautioned afterward that while he's open to new ideas, he'd like them to come only from people who agree with him." --Amy Poehler

"President Bush, trying to gain international support in Iraq ... met with leaders in Vietnam. ... Experts say nothing builds support for a war like a trip to Vietnam." --Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday in a 25 to 24 vote, Republicans welcomed back Lott back into their leadership and named him minority whip. That is great for Trent. They say minority whip is a stepping stone to Grand Wizard." --Stephen Colbert

"President Bush now in his eight day trip to China. His approval rating is 31%. Not good. To give you an idea of how unpopular President Bush is, on Air Force One now, he can't even get the window seat." --Jay Leno

"According to the Washington Times, there's a revolt brewing among Republicans in the House. People are, of course, shocked by this. There are still Republicans in the House?" --Jay Leno

"President Bush said he is now listening to Democrats in a new way -- without wiretaps." --Jay Leno

"2008. The field's already getting crowded with candidates. Everyone knows about Hillary and McCain, but who else has a shot? On the Republican side, Rudy Giuliani. Hero. 9/11. Time person of the year. Member of the comb over club. But also a member of the New York, divorced, pro-choice, pro-gun control, pro-stem cell research, gay-friendly wing of the Republican Party. I'm sorry, did I say wing? I meant room. Did I say room? I meant corner. Did I say corner? I meant table -- for one." --Jon Stewart

"Convicted lobbyist Jack Abramoff entered federal prison today to start a six-year sentence for fraud. Here's the beautiful thing about Jack Abramoff -- the FBI did not want Jack Abramoff sent to jail because he was telling them so much about corrupt officials. They don't want him to go to prison away from DC because they don't want to commute every day to hear about more stories of corruption. That's America, baby." --Jon Stewart

"The Marine Corps' Toys for Tots program started today. Former Congressman Mark Foley got a little confused. You see, he went down there and thought he could trade some toys for tots." --Jay Leno

"President Bush is traveling. He's in Southeast Asia. Earlier today, he arrived in Vietnam -- better late than never." --David Letterman

"President Bush just announced that next month he will host a White House conference on Malaria. Bush told reporters, 'I'm looking forward to meeting the Malarians.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Political experts say President Bush planned a trip to several foreign countries this week because he is unpopular at home. In response, the White House said, That's ridiculous. The president is just as unpopular overseas." --Conan O'Brien

"In 2008, Rudy Giuliani, former mayor of New York City, may run for president. And if elected, he'll take a no-nonsense approach to Iraq. And the first thing he's going to do over there is get rid of the squeegee guys." --David Letterman

"President Bush met with the 10-member Iraqi study group to hear their assessment of Iraq. ... They are now preparing the report. We have an advanced copy here. It's called, 'We are so screwed.'" --Jay Leno

"Earlier today, President Bush met with the three big U.S. automakers at the White House. To give you an idea of how well things are going, the three big U.S. automakers are now Tonka, Matchbox and Hot Wheels." --Jay Leno

"Democrats say now that they control the House and the Senate, they plan to raise the minimum wage. The Democrats say they are raising the minimum wage because something must be done to protect Kevin Federline's future." --Conan O'Brien


"Tomorrow President Bush is leaving for Vietnam. I guess this time his father couldn't get him out of it." --David Letterman

"President Bush's dad is stepping in to help with Iraq, and he is not happy. This could be the first time a sitting president could be grounded." --Jay Leno

"This week President Bush is flying to Asia to meet with leaders of Indonesia, Malaysia, the Philippines, Singapore, Thailand and Vietnam. Or, as President Bush calls them, China." --Conan O'Brien

"On Tuesday night, in an ironic turnaround, Iraq brought regime change to the U.S." --Amy Poehler

"Germany is filing a war crimes lawsuit against Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld for allegedly allowing the torture of prisoners in Iraq and Guantanamo Bay. Man, that's when you know you've crossed the line -- when Germans are accusing you of war crimes." --Jay Leno

"Yesterday, Bush had lunch with the new Democratic Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi. I believe the main course was Rumsfeld's head on a platter." --Jay Leno

"On Thursday, the Army launched its new recruitment slogan, 'Army Strong,' which replaces their previous slogan, 'Army of One.' Meanwhile, the Navy is sticking with their recruiting slogan, 'Iraq: It's Almost Entirely Landlocked.'." --Seth Meyers

"Today is Veteran's Day, so that won't affect anyone in the White House." --Seth Meyers

"The only thing that really broke for conservatives on Tuesday was gay marriage. You know what state bucked the trend? Arizona. Conservative Arizona. I love Arizonans. They don't care if gays get married as along as they're not marrying a Mexican." --Bill Maher

"As a result of this week's election, the new Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi, is now the most powerful woman in the country. After hearing this, Oprah Winfrey said, 'Yeah right.'." --Conan O'Brien

"You got to give (Rumsfeld) credit it though. It might have taken him six years, but he finally came up with an exit strategy." --Jay Leno

"You know what GOP stands for? Going Out of Power." --Jay Leno

"It's ironic because Republicans always wanted to appeal to minorities. Now they are one." --Jay Leno

"Today, Secretary of Defense Rumsfeld announced he's stepping down. Rumsfeld said, 'I made the decision after it became clear that I couldn't do my job effectively--and then I waited three years.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Here in California, the voters overwhelmingly decided they do not want Arnold Schwarzenegger to ever make another movie." --Jay Leno

"The only Republican now with a mandate is Congressman Mark Foley." --Jay Leno

"Donald Rumsfeld has been let go. Insiders describe Rumsfeld's reaction as shocked and awed. How does that make Rumsfeld feel when George Bush tells you you're not competent enough?." --Jay Leno

"Donald Rumsfeld has resigned and the new Secretary of Defense is a guy named Robert Gates. He's a close friend of the Bush family. Yeah, that always works out pretty well. Rumsfeld took it pretty well. He said he's eager now to move on to try and legalize torture in the private sector." --David Letterman

"The unemployment rate came out. It's down to 4.4 -- lowest in the world, which is good news for Republicans. That means after tomorrow, they'll be able to find jobs." --Jay Leno

"In Maryland, the National Black Association created a controversy for running this radio ad [on screen: Announcer saying, 'Democrats passed those black codes and Jim Crow laws. Democrats started the Ku Klux Klan. White hoods and sheets? Republicans freed us from slavery and put our right to vote in the Constitution']. Great ad. It reminds us what this election is really about -- the 1870s." --Stephen Colbert

"The Bush administration is now spending tens of millions of dollars on an ad campaign to convince unmarried adult Americans to stop having sex. So, we're trying to stay the course in Iraq and stop the intercourse here at home." --Jay Leno

"GOP Congressman Don Sherwood of Pennsylvania was recently sued by his Peruvian mistress for allegedly beating and strangling her. Now Sherwood has admitted to having a mistress but denies beating and strangling her. Still, there's probably not a Republican that would be caught dead in the same room as that guy [on screen: Pres. Bush speaking at a Sherwood event]. Oh. Apparently, the president believes his popularity still slightly lower than an alleged Peruvian mistress strangler." --Jon Stewart

"According to Google trends people in the world most likely to look up homosexual activity are in Saudi Arabia, which is the ultimate dilemma for Republicans: gays with oil -- what do we do now?" --Jay Leno

"Donald Rumsfeld and Dick Cheney got full endorsement from President Bush. That's like Curly and Larry getting a vote of confidence from Moe." --David Letterman

"President Bush demanded that Kerry apologize. Can you imagine that -- Bush demanding an apology for someone stumbling over his words? ... Kerry should have tried the Bush strategy: say so many stupid things, no one cares anymore." --Jay Leno

"Senator Kerry does not support our troops. If he had won the election, there wouldn't be any troops left in Iraq. President Bush, on the other hand, has given our troops an opportunity to fight without end. That's creating jobs. In fact, the president's policies helped create 104 more job openings last month. Now who's stupid, Senator?" --Stephen Colbert

"I think it's important to note that nobody hates the troops more than decorated war hero John Kerry. We're all very, very lucky that we have draft-dodgers like George Bush and Dick Cheney to point that out to us." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Oil prices have now dropped below $58 a barrel, which if my math is correct, means the election is less than a week away. Better fill up by Tuesday." --Jay Leno

"We turned the clocks back over the weekend, which is great news for the Republicans. They got to stay in power for an extra hour." --Jay Leno

"Congressman Duncan Hunter announced he's thinking about running for president in 2008 and he's put together an exploratory committee. The first thing the exploratory committee is going to do is find out, 'Who the hell is Duncan Hunter?'" --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush warned Democrats not to celebrate too early. This is from the guy who put up the 'Mission Accomplished' sign three years ago." --Jay Leno

"Halloween is when little kids come to your house looking for candy. Or as Congressman Mark Foley calls it, 'speed dating.'." --Jay Leno

""I understand President Bush has his costume all picked out to scare people. He's going to dress up as Dick Cheney." --Jay Leno

"Rush Limbaugh recently upset a lot of people because he accused Michael J. Fox of exaggerating his Parkinson's disease symptoms for political reasons. Then Limbaugh accused Stevie Wonder exaggerating his blindness for free sunglasses." --Conan O'Brien

"These activist judges are at it again. The New Jersey Supreme Court says homosexuals actually have the same civil rights as straight people, which means they can marry. See, this is the difference between Democrats and Republicans. Democrats want gays to get married. Republicans know congressmen need to be able to play the field." --Bill Maher

"Officials said Tuesday that Iraqis have agreed to develop a timetable for progress in stabilizing Iraq. So there you have it. There's now a timetable for establishing a timetable. Welcome home, boys!." --Amy Poehler

"Have you heard about the Michael J. Fox situation? He's been doing ads in support of candidates who are for stem cell research. And Rush Limbaugh attacked him and said that Michael J. Fox was off his medication when he filmed the ad, so that he'd look shakier. He said, if he's not going to take his prescription drugs, he knows a fat drug addict who will." --Bill Maher

"The Dixie Chicks have a new movie and they want to advertise it but NBC says they won't show the ad because it's disparaging to President Bush. I've got news for NBC. So is your evening newscast, but you keep showing that." --Bill Maher

"NBC cancelled a Halloween showing of 'Night of the Living Dead,' because they thought it would be disparaging to Cheney." --Bill Maher

"Bush has authorized the building of a 700-mile fence. A 700-mile fence they're going to build between the United States and Mexico. And, he says ... he knows where we can get some cheap labor to build it. ... That's a pretty long fence. I'm thinking to myself, 'I just hope there's a way Halliburton can make some money off of this deal. It would be nice to throw something their way for a change." --David Letterman

"Bush is getting rid of the phrase, 'stay the course.' That was his phrase for the entire war. ... Maybe the phrase should have been, 'Find bin Laden.' ... Do you miss the old days when the phrase was, 'Stay under the desk'?" --David Letterman

"They were talking to President Bush about what he likes to do in his spare time. He said what he likes to do ... is get on the Internet and he Googles. ... He likes to look at satellite photos of his ranch. Well, great. How about looking for Osama bin Laden?" --David Letterman

"The election is three weeks away and there are rumors the Republicans are getting ready for an election night disaster, which would be a first -- a disaster they were actually prepared for." --Bill Maher

"If recent polls are correct and Democrats win back control of the House and Senate, President Bush's administration will be transformed into an early lame duck. Worse, Cheney will then shoot it." --Seth Meyers

"This is a bleak time for the Republican Party. You know you have trouble when the least embarrassing guy in your group is Arnold Schwarzenegger." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Elections are only a few weeks away and it looks like the Republicans are going to lose a lot of them. I guess desperate times require desperate measures. [on screen: RNC's TV ad depicting another terrorist attack by Osama bin Laden, followed by a reminder to vote 11/7]. Let me get this straight. Osama bin Laden is threatening to attack America again, so what we should do is vote for the people who haven't been able to catch him for the last five years?." --Jimmy Kimmel

"In Las Vegas, a 32-year-old mother told police that Republican Congressman Jim Gibbons, who is running for governor in Nevada, got drunk, put his hand on her thigh, complained about his marriage and then tried to have sex with her in the parking garage. A congressman trying to have sex with an adult woman? This is the best news Republicans have had in years." --Jay Leno

"Bush says there are similarities between Iraq and Vietnam. Of course, the big difference is, his dad could get him out of Vietnam." --Jay Leno

"Bush held a dinner for prominent Muslims to mark the end of the Muslim holiday of Ramadan. Before the dinner, President Bush brushed up on Muslim culture by watching the movie, 'Aladdin.' He's excited to meet Jafar." --Conan O'Brien

"The Iranian government just announced that they are going to slow down Internet access speed because they don't want Iranians to have good Internet service. Apparently, the government is so serious about this they are making all Iranians subscribe to AOL." --Conan O'Brien

"According to a report by the World Energy Experts, North Korea is so short of electricity that the whole country switches off at 9 o'clock. The electricity is shut off at 9 o'clock. So it's a country where few people speak English, they have power outages all the time, they're ruled by a funny looking guy with a strange accent. It's like California without the traffic." --Jay Leno

"A strong 6.6 magnitude earthquake hit Hawaii yesterday morning. Pretty scary. Bush says he wants to do anything he can to help them because he considers Hawaii to be one of our strongest allies. Of course, FEMA was there immediately. Actually, some FEMA had arrived a day earlier to assess the damage from the Japanese bombing of Pearl Harbor." --Jay Leno

"According to USA Today, most of our nation's cities will be unable to evacuate in the case of a major disaster. Washington, DC, received an F as one of the hardest cities to get out of. Unless, of course, you're a Republican in November. Then it's easy." --Jay Leno

"Florida Congressman Mark Foley is writing a book. The book will be about 400 pages. I don't know how long the book is, but the book will be about 400 pages." --Jay Leno

"The president had a press conference this week and he said that the U.S. has no plans to attack North Korea. And then he added, 'Like having no plan ever stopped me before.'. He has something even more deadly in store for them -- we're going to bring them democracy." --Bill Maher

"If 9/11 changed everything, how come baseball players are still allowed to fly airplanes around Manhattan? I'm sure you've heard about this story. A Yankees pitcher flew an airplane into a fifty-story building on the East side. At first no one knew whether it was an accident or a terrorist attack, so Bush had no idea how long to sit there and do nothing." --Bill Maher

"According to Kim Jong-Il's biography, they say he has been constantly accused of dishonesty, drunkenness and sexual excess. So if he lived here, he could be in Congress." --Jay Leno

"As of this coming Thursday, Saddam Hussein will have been on trial for one year. One year? If this trial was in L.A., he'd be out playing golf right now." --Jay Leno

"Earlier today at a press conference, President Bush said he will not attack North Korea. Well, of course not. They actually have weapons of mass destruction." --David Letterman

"President Bush at a press conference is like the dumb kid in school gets called up to the blackboard. You feel bad for him, but there's nothing you can do to help." --Jimmy Kimmel

"President Bush's approval ratings are dipping into the 30s, while Mark Foley is dipping into the teens." --Jay Leno

"A lot more information coming out about this North Korean leader, Kim Jong-Il. Apparently, he has a tremendous ego, had three wives and he's fanatical about his pompadour hair style. He's kind of like a miniature Donald Trump." --Jay Leno

"Now there are dozens of calls for House Speaker Dennis Hastert to step down. As you know, Hastert was a former gym teacher and boys' wrestling coach. To which Mark Foley said, 'Why would anybody quit a dream job like that?'." --Jay Leno

"President Bush says we need more time to determine if what (North Korea) detonated was a nuclear device. Well sure, that makes sense, because Bush doesn't want to rush to judgment when it comes to weapons of mass destruction." --David Letterman

"Democrats attacked President Bush for his North Korean policy. And Bush said, 'Gotcha. I don't have a North Korean policy.'." --Jay Leno

"Speaking of Foley, let's see what's happening on Brokeback, I mean Capitol Hill. God, it shows you how times have changed. It used to be a good thing when two congressmen were on the same page. Now, it's horrible." --Jay Leno

"President Bush helped dedicate an aircraft carrier named after his father. Isn't that nice? He christened the ship by saying, 'It's great to be here on the USS Dad.'." --Conan O'Brien

"A very scary situation in North Korea, but let's move on to the good news. As of last night, North Korea has one less bomb." --Jon Stewart

"MySpace.com said it is launching a voter registration page targeting young adults. Sadly, the only person that the MySpace page has attracted so far is former Congressman Mark Foley." --Conan O'Brien

"There are more and more details coming out about this Foley page scandal. Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert has been meeting with everyone in Washington to figure a way out of this. Well, not meeting with everyone. I think it's fair to say he's never met with Jenny Craig." --Jay Leno

"It was reported this week that a $20 million provision has been placed in the military spending bill to pay for a party celebrating America's victory in Iraq and Afghanistan. So save the date: February 8th, 3046." --Amy Poehler

"I think this whole thing could have been nipped in the bud if somebody pulled Mark Foley aside at some point and showed him nude photos of Dennis Hastert." --Bill Maher

"Democrats accused Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist of waving a white flag for saying the Afghan war against Taliban guerrillas cannot be won militarily. Things must be bad in Afghanistan if Bill Frist is ready to give up. Remember, this is the guy that thought we could still fix Terri Schiavo." --Seth Meyers

"Yesterday, Hastert defended himself by saying he had no idea what was going on. Hey, don't laugh. It worked for President Bush." --Jay Leno

"This Mark Foley e-mail thing caused quite a conflict within the two wings of the Republican Party. It seems the financially corrupt are now fighting with the sexually corrupt." --Jay Leno

"Congress is now already taking measures to reduce incidents between congressmen and pages. For instance, congressmen are no longer allowed to hand-pick their pages from MySpace.com." --Jay Leno

"Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice is in Iraq today. See, that's when you know things are bad in Washington -- when it's safer for Republicans to go to Baghdad." --Jay Leno

"In an interview with Mike Wallace about his new book, legendary Washington Post reporter Bob Woodward said that Henry Kissinger is now advising President Bush on Iraq, and they're trying to fight the Vietnam War all over again. Hey, why not? Bush missed it the first time." --Jay Leno

"President Bush on Tuesday dismissed the finger-pointing criticism from Bill Clinton that the Bush administration had not been vigorous enough in going after Osama bin Laden, adding, 'We'll let history judge.” Oh, it has. It's in the 9/11 Commission Report. You commissioned it." --Seth Meyers

"Al Gore told the United Nations that cigarette smoking is a significant contributor to global warming. To be fair, you have to blame us, the non-smokers. We're the ones that made them go outside, right?." --Jay Leno

"In wake of the George Allen controversy, Virginia Democratic Senate challenger Jim Webb declined to say on Tuesday whether he ever used the 'N' word. But it did not help his case when he asked, 'Does it count if it was in Scrabble?'." --Seth Meyers

"President Bush said today he is inviting other counties to help in Iraq. Isn't that kind of like inviting people to help you move? Iraq? I'm busy that Wednesday." --Jay Leno

"More problems for Virginia Senator George Allen. As you know, he's been accused of making racially insensitive remarks. A number of classmates of Allen's have come forward and said he used the 'N' word quite a bit. He says he doesn't remember that. You know the reason he doesn't remember? Because he never said it to a black guy." --Jay Leno

"Last night President Bush had dinner with the president of Pakistan and the president of Afghanistan. The president of Pakistan claimed Osama bin Laden is hiding in Afghanistan; the president of Afghanistan said Osama's in Pakistan; and President Bush said, 'I like sprinkles on my ice cream.'." --Conan O'Brien

"It's great to have Bill in the mix again. It puts conservatives back on the offensive. Now they can get back to doing what they do best -pointing out that everything wrong with this country is Bill Clinton's fault." --Stephen Colbert

"The Senate has voted to approve the building of a 700-mile fence along the 2,000-mile border of Mexico. This is what happens when you let President Bush do the math." --Jay Leno

"Virginia Republican Senator George Allen is in trouble for repeatedly making racially insensitive remarks, insulting people for their background and displaying Confederate memorabilia in his office. I don't get it. Today he blamed the whole thing on the Jewish-controlled media." --Jay Leno

"In discussing Hillary Clinton's run for the presidency, the Reverend Jerry Falwell said the faithful are scared by Hillary Clinton. To which Bill Clinton said, 'Hey, not as much as the unfaithful. Believe me.'." --Jay Leno

"Earlier tonight, President Bush had dinner with the President of Pakistan and the President of Afghanistan. Tomorrow, the president will have breakfast with Count Chocula and Captain Crunch." --Conan O'Brien

"After three long years, our efforts in Iraq have been successful in fostering a new generation of people who hate us." --Jon Stewart

"The president of Afghanistan says over the past year, democracy has suffered a set back in his country. On the bright side, at least now he and President Bush have something in common." --Jay Leno

"We all know about the big dust-up between President Bush and the Senate leadership over his wanting to change the Geneva Conventions, right? Well, on Thursday, they reached a compromise. That's not just a victory for Bush, it's a victory for the country because basic human rights is something we all need to compromise on." --Stephen Colbert

"On 'Dancing with the Stars' the other night, conservative pundit Tucker Carlson is gone. He got the least number of votes. A Republican stopped by a lack of votes -- when does that ever happen?" --Jay Leno

"In his speech to the nation this week, Bush said that we have to fight against people who reject tolerance and despise dissent and anyone who disagrees with that is a traitor." --Jay Leno

"It's been reported that Condoleezza Rice is dating a high level Canadian diplomat. Sources say you can tell because Rice has an extra bounce in her step and is giggling a lot as she prepares for the invasion of Iran." --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush said he's often asked why we are in Iraq when Saddam Hussein isn't responsible for 9/11. Bush said all his responses are the same -- 'Dad, quit asking me that.'." --Jay Leno

"Kind of ironic that global warming made Al Gore hot again." --Jay Leno

"You are joining us on September 12th, which as you know, is the fifth anniversary of the misappropriation of the events of September 11th." --Jon Stewart

"Last night in his speech to the nation, President Bush called for unity among all Americans unless, of course, you're gay, a Democrat or live in a blue state." --Jay Leno

"The Senate Intelligence Committee -- that almost sounds like an oxymoron -- released a report this week saying there's no evidence that Saddam Hussein had a relationship with al Qaeda. Thank God we found that out before we did something crazy." --Jay Leno

"Last night during his live speech, President Bush spoke directly to Osama bin Laden and said, 'No matter how long it takes, America will find you.' Then the president uncovered his eyes and said, 'Ready or not, here I come.'." --Conan O'Brien

"Last night after work I wanted to kick back and relax in front of the TV and then this interruption [on screen: Bush saying, 'Since the horror of 9/11, we have learned a great deal about the enemy. We have learned they are evil, and kill without mercy']. I don't want to say anything, but didn't we learn that on September 11th?" --Jon Stewart

"Say what you want about his presidency, but after that speech, it is now 15 minutes shorter." --Jon Stewart

"The president's speech did have some eloquent, rhetorical flourishes [on screen: Bush saying, 'America looks to the day when the people of the Middle East will leave the desert of despotism for the fertile gardens of liberty']. From the desert of despotism to the fertile gardens of liberty? It's actually not that hard to get to. If you look on metaphorical Mapquest, you head down the Streets of Suffering, get on the Parkway of Progress, pass the Ranch of Righteousness merge onto the Freeway of Being Free, stop at the World's Biggest Ball of Hope, and stay the course, cross over Grand Funk Railroad, and look for the sign, 'Fertile Gardens.' Although, I have to say it's a little confusing, because there is also an Olive Garden around there as well. The trip is only 3.2 miles, and the estimated time of travel will be, what looks like, 1,300 years." --Jon Stewart

"Today the Democratic and Republican primaries were held all across the country. So far, it's evenly split between those who forgot to vote and those who chose not to vote." --Conan O'Brien

"Just because something is utterly invented doesn't mean it's not true. Like Dick Cheney, I have a 'One Percent Doctrine.' If it could be Clinton's fault, it is Clinton's fault." –Stephen Colbert

"The big controversy, of course, is the 9/11 mini-series because people are upset that it's not accurate. Because as you know, nothing is typically more accurate than the made-for-television movie. Why shouldn't 9/11 get the same respect that the Amy Fisher story gets? I mean, these are network executives making decisions about these films. Be thankful the Condoleezza Rice character is still black." --Jon Stewart

"George W. Bush is the right man to lead us in the era post whatever horrible calamity he leads us into next." –Daily Show correspondent John Oliver

"The controversial one is this ABC one, 'The Path to 9/11.' The original title was 'Sheiks on a Plane.' This is controversial because apparently, it's very heavily slanted and it blames 9/11 on Bill Clinton. It makes Bush out to be a saint, which is kind of ridiculous because if Bush is gonna be on any ABC program, it should be 'Lost.'." --Bill Maher

"The new Senate report that came out today said there is no evidence that Saddam Hussein had ties to al Qaeda before we invaded Iraq. Tony Snow, the White House spokesman, said this is just another partisan attempt to denegrate what administration officials worked so hard to pull out of their asses." --Bill Maher

"President Bush's new position on torture is, 'We don't do it. We've never done it. And we're going to stop doing it.'." --Jay Leno

"Senate Democratic Leader Harry Reid said ABC must cancel this deeply misguided programming. I thought, ABC canceling a show because of 9/11? That could never happen." --Bill Maher

"At a press conference yesterday, for the first time, President Bush acknowledged the existence of secret CIA prisons. Then the president added, 'but don't tell anybody.'" --Conan O'Brien

"After two months of controversy following the Mexican election, the electoral court declared Felipe Calderon as the president of Mexico. Imagine that -- a court having to decide a presidential election. What a backward country that is." --Jay Leno

"It was announced in England that Tony Blair will leave as British Prime Minister in May. So, President Bush has toppled yet another government." --Jay Leno

"It's been reported that British Prime Minister Tony Blair is going to be stepping down next summer. After hearing about it, President Bush said, 'Damn, he's the only foreign guy who speaks American.'." --Conan O'Brien

"The president of Iran said today that all the liberals should be kicked out of all universities. I think we found the guy for Ann Coulter." --Jay Leno

"Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld had surgery on his shoulder yesterday. Apparently, he wrenched it while trying to pull his foot out of his mouth." --Jay Leno

"This week a new oil field was discovered under the Gulf of Mexico that could boost the U.S.' oil and gas reserves by 50%. Finally some good news for the oil companies." --Conan O'Brien

"Some good news today on the war on terror. We have captured al Qaeda's No. 2 man--for the 47th time. See, our systems are so different. Over there, al Qaeda's No. 2 man is always getting captured and shot. Here, our No. 2 guy is the guy doing the shooting." --Jay Leno

"Al Qaeda has released another video. This is rather strange. It features a 28-year-old American named Adam Pearlman from Orange County, California. Who is in al Qaeda? How crazy is that? Finally, an American takes a job away from somebody overseas, and it's in al Qaeda." --Jay Leno

The Pentagon released a very gloomy report today that said the violence in Iraq is getting worse, the militias control most of the country, death squads are killing thousands of civilians. The title of the report was 'Turning the Corner.' President Bush said he hasn't read it, but he's halfway through 'Pride and Prejudice,' and it is delightful." --Bill Maher

"The United States and Europe say they are ready to begin imposing low level sanctions against Iran, such as travel bans. That's going to ruin a lot of people's Labor Day plans. How many of you are going to Iran?." --Jay Leno

"According to a survey by AAA, 29.6 million people will be traveling over the Labor Day weekend -- and those are just illegal immigrants." --Jay Leno

"Of course, President Bush came to the hurricane this week. He went back to New Orleans to try and put lipstick on that pig. Not easy because a third of the trash there still has not been picked up. And that's just the white trash. Some of this garbage is piled up so high you can barely see the 'Mission Accomplished' banner." --Bill Maher

"Good news -- the price of gasoline continues to fall. It's dropped 15 cents over the last two weeks. Gas prices have dropped so much that Dick Cheney was put on suicide watch." --Jay Leno

"Did you hear about the president this week? He said so far this year, he's read 60 books. Wow, George Bush, who couldn't finish 'My Pet Goat'?." --Bill Maher

"Apparently, he got into a reading contest with Karl Rove -- who by the way lost 22 pounds so far this year. He said the midterm elections are coming up and he needs to get down to his smearing weight." --Bill Maher

"NBC anchor Brian Williams interviewed President Bush. He asked him about his poll numbers and President Bush said, 'The key for me is to keep expectations low.' I think you can accurately say, 'Mission Accomplished.'" --Jay Leno

"Today is the one-year anniversary of Hurricane Katrina. Not only that, it's the six-month anniversary of when President Bush found out about it." --Conan O'Brien

"The one-year anniversary of Hurricane Katrina hitting New Orleans was marked by President Bush with a moment of silence. A little different than a year ago, when President Bush marked the occasion by a week and a half of silence." --Jay Leno

"NBC News was also marking the anniversary [of Hurricane Katrina], but they had to settle for lesser celebrity guests, like this guy who took some time from a tour of New Orleans to tell Brian Williams about all the reading he's been doing this summer [on screen: President Bush saying he's read 'three Shakespeare's' this summer]. The point is that he read three Shakespeare's this summer and that's a great way to kick off eight grade" --Jimmy Kimmel

"I think President Bush gets confused. He said progress is being made in New Orleans and he hopes one day New Orleans will be a democracy. You know hurricanes, they hate freedom." --Jay Leno

"President Bush is on television giving a speech and Kyra Phillips, an anchorwoman from CNN, gets up to go to the bathroom. She's wearing a microphone. She leaves the microphone on. Everyone was outraged. What's the big deal? She gets up to go the bathroom in the middle of a George W. Bush speech -- who hasn't done that?" --David Letterman

"Yesterday the president of Iran challenged President Bush to a televised debate. President Bush turned down the debate, but did challenge the Iranian president to a game of 'Hungry Hungry Hippos.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Some excitement at the White House yesterday. The Secret Service caught a man trying to climb over the White House fence. When they caught the man, the Secret Service said, 'Not so fast. You have two more years, Mr. President.'" -Conan O'Brien

"Today is the one-year anniversary of Hurricane Katrina. Not only that, it's the six-month anniversary of when President Bush found out about it." --Conan O'Brien

"Today, of course, the one-year anniversary of Hurricane Katrina hitting New Orleans. FEMA officials said it seems like just yesterday when they first arrived in New Orleans. And then they realized, 'Oh, it was just yesterday.'." --Jay Leno

"President Bush toured several neighborhoods (in New Orleans). It was still mostly empty. They had Dick Cheney coming along to shoot any looters." --Jay Leno

"The entire case against John Mark Karr was completely bogus. It was based on a bunch of ridiculous claims he just made up without any basis and facts. The good news? Today, the White House offered him a job." --Jay Leno

"President Bush said the United States is still under the threat of attack and will continue to be right up until Election Day." --Jay Leno

"I don't want to say President Bush's approval rating is dropping, but I understand there's a sign outside of Crawford, Texas, that now says, 'Home of Cindy Sheehan.'" --Jay Leno

"This week is the one-year anniversary of Hurricane Katrina. It's amazing how time flies. It seems like just yesterday FEMA was ignoring the hurricane victims." --Jay Leno

"This is finally a happy story in the Middle East. In the Gaza strip, Palestinian militants released those two Fox News journalists. They were released unharmed. ... The Palestinians said they just couldn't take any more of the pro-Bush stories." --Jay Leno

"CNN, to mark the fifth anniversary of 9/11, is going to be re-playing their original coverage of that day. Let's just hope that President Bush doesn't tune in and go, 'Oh my God, they've done it again!'." --Bill Maher

"The new season of 'Survivor' is going to be dividing up the tribes by race. They said they got the idea from Karl Rove." --Bill Maher

"A panel of scientists voted to kick Pluto out of the solar system. They tried to explain the science of this to President Bush, but then they got fed up and just told him it got destroyed by the Death Star." --Bill Maher
"There's a recent study about human behavior and apparently, women are capable of making decisions about the character of men within a tenth of a second. Decisions often made without any rational thought. Yep and that's why we're in Iraq." --David Letterman

"President Bush now says he does not care about Iran's nuclear program, as long as they're not developing a nuke-ular program." --David Letterman

"Thousands of Lebanese refugees are pouring back into their home towns, and it seems that one relief organization is stepping up their aid efforts more than any other relief organization. Which group is it? Here are some hints: They're Shiites, they're on the State Department's watch list of terrorist groups, and their name rhymes with 'Lezbollah'." --Jon Stewart

"Good news. President Bush had his physical last week, and passed his physical. No word on the mental. But the doctors say he's okay, but he might want to go on a diet, because his Body-Mass Index has jumped to 26. On the bright side, his Body-Mass Index now matches his approval rating." --David Letterman

"In a sign of how troubled our world is right now, this year, President Bush decided he's only doing a ten-day vacation at his Crawford ranch which, really, why even bother at that point?." --Jon Stewart

"More Americans can name the three stooges than the three branches of government. Well, that's because the three stooges are more likely to get something done." --David Letterman

"Did you have trouble at the airport this week? I had to throw away all my make-up. They said it's because of this terrorist plot they foiled over in England. I believe it's an elaborate ruse perpetrated by the big cosmetics industry. Maybe it's not terrorism. Maybe it's Maybelline." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Of course, propaganda comes in many forms. Israel had been trying to turn public opinion by dropping thousands of leaflets portraying Hezbollah leader Sheik Nasrallah as a snake charmed by other Middle Eastern leaders. These children even made a game out of catching these leaflets because you can only play so many rounds of 'Kick the Shell Casing'." --Jon Stewart

"According to reports, Fidel Castro is alert and being briefed. And I'm thinking, why didn't we get a president like that?" --David Letterman

"Miami's Hispanic population took to the streets last night to celebrate Fidel Castro temporarily stepping down from power. Way to go America! Our plan to slowly deteriorate his health over the course of 50 years is working." --Stephen Colbert

"More serious newspapers in Israel are now starting to question their government's actions in Lebanon. The critics say Israel leaders underestimated the strength of the enemy, didn't have a well thought-out military plan, and may have gotten them bogged down in a quagmire fighting a guerrilla war in foreign country. Well thank god our leaders would never let anything like that happen." --Jay Leno

"Castro took over in 1959. He's the longest reigning dictator in power currently, if you don't count Martha Stewart. He's going to be 80 years old. He's talking about retiring. You know what that means? He could wind up in Miami." --Jay Leno

"On Friday, President Bush held a press conference with British Prime Minister Tony Blair and then he met with the 'American Idol,' Taylor Hicks. Those are our two last remaining allies apparently." --Jay Leno

"Lebanon. Our president, President Bush, has rejected calls for an immediate cease-fire on the grounds that he'd prefer a 'sustainable cease-fire.' It makes sense. He doesn't want the killing to stop until he's sure it will stop. So, there will be more killing until the president's convinced that there will be no more killing. Or everyone else runs out of people." --Jon Stewart

"Clearly, we're facing a conflict so brutal that even the best diplomacy seems insufficient. That's why the president has cleared his schedule, assembled his most trusted advisors and had an urgent conference with ten of the most talented stars in America. Ladies and Gentleman, please welcome your 'American Idols.' Actually you can only see nine Idols there. Idol Elliott Yamin arrived at the White House late. He had a good excuse though. He was meeting with the president of Syria." --Jon Stewart

"And for the most ridiculous story of the week. This week, Ann Coulter said Bill Clinton is gay. I got to admit he hides it pretty well. Ann Coulter thinks Bill Clinton is gay? But she also thinks George Bush is smart, so you gotta take it with a grain of salt." --Jay Leno VIDEO

"President Bush hosted the 'American Idol' finalists in the Oval Office. Well sure, there's not really anything else going on. Bush is very, very busy. Tomorrow he meets with the Pirates of the Caribbean." --David Letterman

"This Taylor Hicks. You know who he is? He's the big 'American Idol' winner and he won by 4 million votes more than President Bush won his election. Coincidentally, so did Al Gore." --David Letterman

"The leader of Hezbollah is said to be hiding in the Iranian Embassy in Lebanon. President Bush said today he once spent the night there. Then his staff told him, 'No, Mr. President, those were Embassy Suites'" --Jay Leno

"Hopefully it's going to be cooler than last weekend because last weekend was a really, really, really horrible weekend. Our governor here in California has been running on a treadmill nonstop to keep the power going." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Another day in the Middle East. Obviously the cease-fire fell through, talks fell apart, they lasted about two hours. Even the O.J. jury managed to meet longer than that." --Jon Stewart

"A Tomahawk cruise missile fell off a truck in the Bronx this week. A cruise missile, isn't that unbelievable? You know what that means? There are now more weapons of mass destruction in the Bronx than there are in Iraq." --Jay Leno

"President Bush met with Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki and he spent the first hour trying to pronounce Nouri al-Maliki." --David Letterman

"Humanitarian aid in the U.S. has begun arriving in Lebanon. The U.S. Government sent 10,000 medical kits, 20,000 blankets, $30 million cash and today the people of New Orleans said: 'They did what?'." --Jay Leno

"Did you see the weather map today on the back of USA Today? I have never seen this before, all the states are red. It's like Karl Rove's dream come true." --Jay Leno

"We're still on the road to World War III. Things were looking a little grim last week -- all those countries pressuring us to call for an immediate cease-fire, but we stayed strong. Sure, we sent over Condi Rice to negotiate, but she's not there for cease-fire. No, she's there for 'sustainable cease-fire,' which considering the Middle East, is like sending her to bring back Jimmy Hoffa on a unicorn." --Stephen Colbert

"Saddam Hussein has been on a hunger strike for seventeen days. They had to nurse him back to health with a feeding tube to get him healthy enough so he can go back on trial. And then be put to death. It is an odd thing. Two years ago, we were dropping ten thousand pound bombs on the guy. Now we're feeding him nutrients through a tube. No wonder he's confused." --Jimmy Kimmel

"The heat wave is breaking records all across America. It was so hot in Washington, people are sweating like President Bush trying to spell Hezbollah." --Jay Leno

"The stem cell research bill passed both houses of Congress, but yesterday, the president vetoed the bill surrounded by the so-called snowflake children. So named because no two are alike, and they're all white. ....Snowflake children are the product of frozen embryos that were adopted rather than discarded. They were there to illustrate why embryonic stem cell research is wrong, even though those children wouldn't exist if not for intensive embryonic research, but let's not think about it." --Jon Stewart

On White House press secretary Tony Snow classifying civilian casualties as a lamentable side effect of war: "It's not murder, it's a lamentable side effect. The upset stomach and diarrhea of freedom, if you will." --Jon Stewart (Video)

"It's continuing to be hot down there in Washington, D.C. As a matter of fact it's so hot, President Bush talked to the NAACP just for the cool reception....He spoke for ten minutes and then he gave back rubs." --David Letterman

"For the first time in his presidency, President Bush addressed the NAACP convention. For five years he was asked to appear at the NAACP, but didn't make it. Well, that's nothing. He was asked to appear at the National Guard for six years and never made any of those." --Jay Leno

"There was one embarrassing moment today for President Bush when they phoned the Pentagon about evacuating Lebanese-Americans. He said, 'I didn't even know Dick Cheney's daughter was over there.'" --Jay Leno

"Vice President Dick Cheney said today when it comes to war, Americans need to know where he stands. Forget the war, I want to know where he stands when he goes on a hunting trip." --Jay Leno

"Earlier today, President Bush vetoed funding for stem cell research. See, I don't think he really understands these issues. President Bush said today, 'Stem cells may be dangerous, especially if people talk on them while driving.'" --Jay Leno

"A lot of people are complaining about how long it's taking to evacuate Americans from Lebanon. Lebanon? We couldn't even evacuate Americans from New Orleans." --Jay Leno

"People still talking about President Bush's use of a four-letter word at the G-8 Summit. It's not a big deal, President Bush using a four-letter word. Now if President Bush used a four-syllable word." --Jay Leno

"In a speech, Vice President Dick Cheney said, 'Either we are serious about this war or we are not.' Of course, people didn't know if he meant the war in Iraq, the war in Afghanistan, the war against people who disagree with him." --Jay Leno

"The Middle East crisis continues right now. Everyone's trying to leave the area. Americans stuck in Lebanon say they're frustrated because other countries seem to be evacuating their citizens faster. On the bright side, we're almost finished evacuating New Orleans." --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush made a number of gaffes at the G-8 Summit. One of them -- he gave a neck rub to the Chancellor of Germany. So you know what that means? He's drinking again." --David Letterman

"Congratulations, Mr. President. I was getting worried. You had been in office for almost six years and hadn't done the dirty deed yet. Now the first time you do it, it's always a little awkward, so don't feel bad that you end up vetoing a bill that two-thirds of the country supports. But now that the first one is over, you're going to want to do it over and over. You're going to want to put your pen on anything that looks remotely like legislation. I got some good news in that area. You're probably going to have a lot of bills to veto after this November when the Democrats take back Congress." --Stephen Colbert

"A lot of people were offended by President Bush using a four-letter word at the G-8 Summit the other day. Were you offended? I was more offended by the way he eats a buttered roll in front of company." --Jay Leno

"White House press secretary Tony Snow says that when President Bush was told he was recorded saying a four-letter word, he rolled his eyes and laughed it off, which is ironic. Bush is now reacting to himself the way everybody else does." --Jay Leno

"The situation in the Mideast is not looking good. Yesterday Vice President Dick Cheney said when it comes to war, Americans need to know where he stands. I don't even know where he stands with those seven deferments. I think it's near the back." --Jay Leno

"More rockets were fired into Israel today. Israel responded by bombing more targets inside Lebanon. Now there's talk the U.S. might send some troops over there to help with border security. That's when you know the people over there are in trouble, when they start asking our advice on border security." --Jay Leno

"A lot of military experts are wondering how the U.S. can stop Israel from getting bombed. Israel, we can't even stop Pete Coors from getting bombed." --Jay Leno

"Since the bombing began, Israel has tried to make it clear Hezbollah and Syria are to blame for Lebanon's current nightmare. To that end, Israeli warplanes have dropped thousands of leaflets on Beirut over the last few days showing a caricature of Hezbollah chief Hassan Nasrallah as a cobra threatening the Lebanese capital. And really, what a great idea, because if there's anything that calms the Arab world down, it's a cartoon." --Jon Stewart

"President Bush says he is personally working on a solution for global warming. He says thanks to Republicans, soon every American will receive a voucher for a free popsicle." --Jay Leno

"We set an all-time record for power consumption here in California yesterday. Our governor, Arnold Schwarzenegger, whom you may know from such movies as 'Kindergarten Cop,' has been urging Californians to try and conserve energy, which is interesting to hear from a guy who drives a Hummer the size of an elementary school." --Jimmy Kimmel

"So hot today down in Washington, D.C., President Bush said, 'Maybe there is something with the global warming s**t.'." --David Letterman

"Actually, it's kind of ironic. Bush listening in on everyone else's phone calls and now he gets caught saying something he shouldn't." --Jay Leno

"It's so hot today, George W. Bush told Al Roker to stop doing that [beeped]. That's what President Bush said at the G-8 Summit. He was overheard using dirty language at the G-8 Summit and not only that, later he was ejected for head-butting." --David Letterman

"Those of you following the Iraq war on television know that it has been pre-empted by the summer action-packed replacement series, 'Lebanon.' It's new. It's scary, but it's important for everyone to remain calm and keep the situation in perspective [on screen: various politicians calling the situation World War III]. .... So rest of the news media, stop calling it a 'regional conflict' or a 'police action.' It's a World War III.or IV. Adjust your graphics accordingly." --Stephen Colbert

"Some of Bush's other comments, however, were less focused [on screen: Bush saying, 'I'm not going to talk too damn long like the rest of them. Some of these guys talk too long.'] Come on Condi, you got to crumble the Ritalin into his food or he's not taking it." --Jon Stewart

"The worst part about this heat wave across the country is Al Gore walking around going, 'I told you so.'" --Jay Leno

"Bush has been overseas. He just got back today. While he was in Germany, President Bush praised the German people on their contributions that the country has made. He said, 'If it wasn't for Germany, there would be nothing to watch on the History Channel.'" --Jay Leno

Bush had an awkward moment today. Did you hear about this? While President Bush was greeting crowds in Germany today, he grabbed a baby from its mother and the baby burst into tears. President Bush says he doesn't care how much the baby cries, he's keeping the blankey." --Conan O'Brien

"Russia announced that it is willing to store nuclear waste from other countries. A spokesperson for Russia said, 'Our goal is to be the New Jersey of Europe.'" --Conan O'Brien

"When it gets hot, so hot you can't stand it and the steam is rising from your scalp, do you worry about global warming? Well, George Bush is now also worried about global warming, but he has a plan. He's going to invade the sun." --David Letterman

"The FBI has busted three guys who stole secrets from Coca-Cola and were going to sell them to Pepsi. Espionage. ... I mean Osama bin Laden is still running around, but by God we got these guys." --David Letterman

"According to an AP poll, 66% of people say it is okay to lie under certain circumstances, to which the oil companies said, 'That's what we've been trying to tell everybody.'" --Jay Leno

"Oil hit an all-time high today. $78 a barrel and they say it could get even higher in the event of trouble in the Middle East. Thank God we're okay there." --Jay Leno

"In Russia, President Bush met with 15 pro-democracy activists, who asked him to help stop the Russian government from spying on their citizens and listening in on their phone calls. Bush said, 'Yeah, just give me your name and number.' I think they're barking up the wrong tree." --Jay Leno

"It was announced that Ken Lay's body will be cremated and a lot of people are, of course, very upset about this ... that they waited to do this until after he died." --Jay Leno

"According to the New York Times, lawyers are almost four times more likely to get depressed than other people, especially lawyers who go hunting with Dick Cheney." --Jay Leno

"At a joint press conference with President Bush, German Chancellor Angela Merkel called for a 'de-escalation of Mid-East violence.' Later, Bush called for both sides to 'de-angrify' and 'de-hurt' each other." -Conan O'Brien

"It's been a very busy and somewhat disturbing day throughout the world. President Bush was overseas in Germany as events unfolded. Here is his press conference with Chancellor Angela Merkel in Germany where he wasted no time addressing the many troubling developments [on screen: Bush saying, 'I'm looking forward to the feast you're going to have tonight. I understand I may have the honor of slicing the pig']. He may have the honor of slicing the pig? I'm just going to assume that is some euphemism for solving the Middle East crisis" --Jon Stewart

"President Bush is in Germany right now. One embarrassing moment when he asked the German Chancellor if he could see the site where they filmed 'Hogan's Heroes.'" --Jay Leno

"According to a new poll, 65% of those asked said it is sometimes okay to lie ... especially if you're giving the eulogy at Ken Lay's funeral. ... At Ken Lay's funeral yesterday, the minister compared him to Martin Luther King, Jr. The difference is Dr. King had a dream, Ken Lay had a scheme." -Jay Leno

"You're asking yourself where's President Bush? I'll tell you where he is. He's in Europe preparing for the G8 Summit and he's very excited. He thinks it's a conference on vegetable juice" --David Letterman

"President Bush had a phone conversation with the astronauts aboard the space shuttle. The odd thing is President Bush was the only one wearing a space helmet." --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush left for the G8 Summit today in Russia. The White House says he's going to try and convince other world leaders to develop nuclear power. Apparently, it's working, because so far, Bush has convinced Iran and North Korea." --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush said we should be patient with North Korea. He said we should use diplomacy. We should not rush into any kind of military action until we are sure, absolutely sure, what we are doing. At which point Dick Cheney grabbed him by the throat and said, 'What have you done with the real President Bush?'" --Jay Leno

"President Bush announced that the federal deficit is actually $296 billion less than originally forecast. It's less, yeah. The president credits low unemployment, high job growth, and the fact that he did the math himself." --Conan O'Brien

"Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld was in Afghanistan today where he promised to defeat the Taliban. Didn't we do that already? He's also sworn we will soon capture Saddam Hussein." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Japan says they're now considering whether attacking North Korea's missile sites would violate their Constitution. Imagine that. Government leaders worried about violating their Constitution. That's something you don't see anymore." --Jay Leno

"President Bush said today we should be patient with North Korea and use diplomacy and not rush into any kind of military actions. You know what that means? No oil over there." --Jay Leno

"President Bush told People magazine this week that he's working on a solution for global warming. He says it will be ready in less than six months. Yeah, it's called winter." --Jay Leno

"Any online gamblers here? Well, Congress is looking in shutting that down. There's going to be a massive congressional investigation of online gambling and they're going to shut it down. And when they get done with that, they're going to look into this North Korean thing." --David Letterman

"Authorities in New York City have foiled a plot by terrorists to blow up the Holland Tunnel. There was one awkward moment when officials informed President Bush the Holland Tunnel was safe. Bush then thanked the Dutch authorities for all their help." --Jay Leno

"We finally found some weapons of mass destruction. The bad news? They're in North Korea. Boy, that Saddam is sneaky." --Jay Leno

"The Japanese Prime Minister joined the United States in condemning North Korea's missile policy. The Japanese Prime Minister was really upset when he found out they had missiles that could reach Graceland." --Jay Leno

"I want to wish a belated birthday to our president. George W. Bush celebrated the big 6-0 on Thursday. When you realize President Bush and Jessica Simpson were born in the same week, maybe there is something to this astrology stuff." --Jimmy Kimmel

"They're coming at us. And today, there was an explosion on the East Side of Manhattan. A big townhouse blew up. So I just want to say to North Korea and to al Qaeda, 'We'll blow our own s*** up. We don't need you.'." --Jon Stewart

"To his credit President Bush knew all the protocol when meeting a Japanese prime minister. He's had a lot of practice bowing to oil company executives." --Jay Leno

"At the White House President Bush was going to have a screening of Al Gore's movie on global warming, but they cancelled it because the theater was flooded." --Jay Leno

"President Bush is criticizing the New York Times for revealing how we track terrorists' money. He's also criticized the Times for not having the funny pages." --David Letterman

"Military commanders in Iraq say the day is fast approaching when we will start withdrawing our troops. I believe that day is called Election Day." --Jay Leno

"Every time the president comes up with a new secret tactic to down al Qaeda, the media blows its cover: torture, monitoring our phone calls, monitoring our e-mails, secret prisons. All perfectly reasonable temporary concessions of freedom that will only be in effect as long as our never-ending war on terror. Well last week, the New York Times did it again folks. Now, I don't want to give to much information away on what they revealed, because a large percentage of my audience is terrorists." --Stephen Colbert

"While our young men and women battle valiantly in Iraq, the older men and women who sent them there are locked in a similar struggle -- albeit rhetorical -- carefully choosing their fighting words over here, because they'll never have to actually go over there." --Jon Stewart

"A powerful storm in Washington, D.C. knocked over a 100-year-old Elm tree on the White House lawn. President Bush was not hurt because he was playing in a different tree at the time" --Conan O'Brien

"The White House is mad at the New York Times because they broke the story that the White House is secretly tracking our banking transactions. They're looking out for when people suddenly withdraw large amounts of cash -- you know, either terrorists or people who need to fill up their SUV." --Jay Leno

"In fact, Bush is so angry at the New York Times he said today he's not even going to pretend to read it anymore." --Jay Leno

"Bad times on the East Coast as much of Washington, D.C. is flooded. Several government agencies had to close down including the Justice Department, the IRS and the National Zoo. FEMA headquarters floated away." --Jimmy Kimmel

"The Census Bureau revealed today that Las Vegas is about to pass Washington, D.C. in population. The big difference between Las Vegas and D.C., of course, is that in Las Vegas people gamble with their own money." --Jay Leno

"Heavy rains caused so much flooding in Washington, D.C. today that they had to close down the National Archives where they keep the Constitution. They had to close it down. Luckily the Bush administration isn't using the Constitution anymore." --Jay Leno

(on AG Alberto Gonzales announcing that the seven men arrested in Miami with suspected ties to al Qaeda were going to wage a full ground war against the United States): "Seven guys? I am not a general. I am not in any way affiliated with a military academy, but I believe if you are going to wage a full ground war against the United States, you need to field at least as many people as, say, a softball team." --Jon Stewart

"A 140 year-old tree on the White House grounds fell over. The minute the tree fell over President Bush wasted no time in blaming it on the New York Times." --Jay Leno

"Do you know this story? Today President Bush criticized the New York Times for revealing a government program to spy on people's bank accounts. President Bush defended it. Bush said, 'If you want to figure out what bad people are doing, follow the money.' He's right. That's how we got Tom DeLay." --Jay Leno

"It was so hot today, Dick Cheney was sweating bullets." --Jay Leno

"President Bush got back tonight from his very brief trip to Europe. Boy, remember the old days when it used to take longer than two days to visit all of our allies?" --Jay Leno

"Bush gave the commencement address at the Merchant Marine Academy. ... While he was there a cadet, who took six years to graduate, surprised President Bush by giving him a bear hug. When asked about it, the cadet said, 'President Bush is an inspiration to everyone who takes six years to graduate.'" --Conan O'Brein

"The government of Afghanistan has sent a letter to the news stations and all journalists in that country ordering them to report only favorable news about the government. Now I know that sounds harsh, but you have to remember they don't have Fox News over there." --Jay Leno

"Bush is in Austria. He's trying to convince European leaders to eliminate agricultural subsidies in order to promote global free trade. Yeah, he has no idea what that means either" --David Letterman

"Bush raised $27 million for the Republican Party. A record at a fundraiser. Interesting pricing at the event, like for $2,500 you got dinner. ... $25,000 got your picture taken with the president. And for $250,000 you got your license plate made by a former Republican official now in jail." --Jay Leno

"There's a big storm named Alberto heading towards Florida and CNN said that Florida residents should have a survival plan to take care of themselves in case, you know, FEMA shows up." --Jay Leno

"That's the name of the hurricane -- Alberto. See, I tell you something. Even these hurricanes are getting smarter. They know a Hispanic hurricane has a better chance of getting into the United States." --Jay Leno

"New information has surfaced about the circumstances of Zarqawi's death. For example, it now appears Zarqawi survived the initial air strike for an estimated 52 minutes. Even hours later, Senate Majority Leader, doctor Bill Frist continued to insist, 'The man seems to respond to visual stimuli.'" --Jon Stewart

"The FBI says it wants Zarqawi's DNA so they can compare it with samples found in other terrorist safe houses and to establish the extent of his influence. And if need be, clone him so he can be killed again closer to the midterm elections." --Jon Stewart

"President Bush said today that illegal immigrants who come to America should learn English. He said, 'If I was moving to Canada, I would learn Canadian.'" --Jay Leno

"Discussing the incident, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld described him as 'dark, sadistic and medieval' to which Dick Cheney said, 'You make that sound like a bad thing.'" --Jay Leno

"Former House leader Tom DeLay officially left Congress this week. He stepped down. He said he's leaving Congress with no regrets, no shame and no ethics." --Jay Leno

"President Bush still wrestling with the immigration issue right now. You got to give him credit. He's really working on hard on this. This week, President Bush said that any attempt to deport 11 million illegal aliens 'ain't gonna work.' Then, when reporters asked Bush what he was going to do for the rest of the afternoon, he said, 'Ain't gonna work.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Abu Musab al-Zarqawi was the world's most unhinged lunatic. He's now dead, so that moves Ann Coulter up to first place" --David Letterman

"It was announced today that the U.S. military dropped a bomb that killed Iraq's number one terrorist, Abu Musab al-Zarqawi. ... Afterwards President Bush said, 'Oh great and I just learned how to pronounce his name.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld said al-Zarqawi was 'mean, vicious, and hateful.' So you know what that means? Ann Coulter could be next." --Jay Leno

"Man, it was hot in parts of California today. ... It was so hot Dick Cheney went to see Al Gore's movie just for the air conditioning. ... It was so hot gay couples were standing next to President Bush just to get the cold shoulder." --Jay Leno

"President Bush gave a big speech on immigration in Nebraska. And really, what better place to talk about border problems than Nebraska? You want to go where the people have a feel for the issue." --Jay Leno

"Al Gore is on the show tonight. This just shows you how quickly things can change. I mean, Arnold Schwarzenegger spends his days talking about his political agenda. Al Gore is out promoting his new movie. Who would have seen that coming?" --Jay Leno

"Did you know Al Gore was voted our second most popular guest ever? Actually he finished first, but the Supreme Court overturned it." --Jay Leno

"A lot of people said Al Gore was the best vice president the country ever had. Not to take anything away from Al, but look at the competition. He replaced a guy who couldn't spell 'potato' and was followed by a guy who shot someone in the face." --Jay Leno

"Al Gore's movie about global warming broke into the 'Top Ten' this past week. President Bush was not impressed. He said the movie about me, Farenheit 9/11, did better than that." --Jay Leno

"President Bush said he's not going to see the film. He said he did go to see 'Ice Age 2: The Meltdown' so he has all the facts about global warming." --Jay Leno

"Actually, Al Gore's movie, An Inconvenient Truth, made about $2 million this past weekend, whereas X-men made about $150 million. That just shows we're more interested in the fake people saving the fake earth than the real people trying to save the real earth." --Jay Leno

"They also said if global warming continues, tropical countries to the south will become too hot to live in and their desperate citizens will flee north, which means millions of Mexicans could sneak into the United States. Oh like that would ever happen." --Jay Leno

"Al Gore says we have 10 years to reverse global warming. See, you don't tell us things like that. We're Americans. ... Americans just go, 'Look, I'll drive my Hummer for the next nine years until the lease runs out and then I'll save the earth in the last year.' You can't put a time table on it." --Jay Leno

"You hate Canada? That's like saying I hate toast. It's not the kind of thing that inspires passion in either direction. I can understand why you're mad at us. We're arrogant, leading the whole War on Terror, but Canada? That's like watching 'Hannity & Colmes' and just hating Colmes. ... Canada opposed the war in Iraq. You're mad because you want them to withdraw troops from Afghanistan. That is so two Jihads ago. If anything, you should love Canada. Who else could cripple America with their cheap prescription drugs and talented comedians? ... So, terrorists pick on someone you own size. Do what you want to us, but as far as Canada goes, you leave them 'oot'" --Jon Stewart, on Al Qaeda terrorists apprehended in Canada

"You know anything about this Ann Coulter? She's some kind of commentator or political thing. She goes around yacking and she got herself into a lot of trouble. She has made some crazy statements about 9/11, and coincidentally Al Gore has produced a new documentary all about Ann Coulter. I believe it's called an 'Inconvenient Bitch.'" --David Letterman

"Here's what we know about Ann Coulter. She's blonde, she's single, and well, maybe someone will set her up with O.J." --David Letterman

"Yesterday was 666. ... And the devil did not show up yesterday, unless of course you're a Democrat watching Ann Coulter on the 'Today Show.'" --Jay Leno

"The Senate has rejected the gay marriage ban. When you think about it, do you really want Congress defining marriage? That's like asking Charlie Sheen to define monogamy." --Jay Leno

"Republican leaders say that after illegal immigration and gay marriage, the next issue President Bush will tackle: flag burning. ... So if you're an illegal immigrant who's crossing our border to burn the flag at your gay wedding, we got your number." --Jay Leno

"Yesterday President Bush went to Nebraska and gave a big speech about immigration. Of course, to people in Nebraska immigration means moving to Iowa." --Conan O'Brien

"Some are surprised that President Bush would back a gay marriage amendment when he clearly doesn't have the votes to pass it. ... I mean, since when has a lack of votes held back President Bush? It's never been a problem in the past." --Jay Leno

"The Secret Service arrested a guy for trying to jump the fence at the White House again. Think about this: they want to build a fence along the Mexican border? We can't even build a fence around the White House to keep people from jumping over." --Jay Leno
"Do we need a constitutional amendment? Is that the most important issue facing the country today -- gay marriage? We were off last week, so apparently we must have caught bin Laden." --Jay Leno

"You know what's interesting about this whole thing? According to polls, 51 percent of Americans do not approve of gay marriage, but 70 percent of Americans do not approve of President Bush. So gay marriage is actually more popular than he is." --Jay Leno

"Donald Rumsfeld was in Vietnam this week. President Bush was supposed to go, but his dad got him out of it." --Jay Leno

"How annoying is this? Senator Hillary Clinton calling for a return of the 55 mile an hour speed limit. When people in L.A. heard about this, they said, 'What? Cars can go that fast?'" --Jay Leno

"Did you hear about this? Homeland Security is cutting funding to New York City ... and raising funding for Nebraska. Well, at least the corn will sleep better." --David Letterman

"This was a little frightening. Over the weekend, the Royal Mounted police up in Canada ... busted a group of Canadian terrorists -- a Canadian al Qaeda group. About 19 of them. Their motto was: 'Death to America, ey?' ... The Canadian terrorist group was led by Canadian mastermind, Gordy bin Laden." --David Letterman

"Yesterday, the front page story of the New York Times was a big story about the state of Hillary Clinton's marriage to Bill Clinton. Front page, New York Times. I guess if you want to find out what's going on in Iraq, you'll have to pick up People magazine." --Jay Leno

"Earlier today, the Capitol building in Washington, D.C. was on lock down because someone heard gunshots coming from the parking lot. When the Capitol police heard this, they all said the same thing: 'Cheney.'" --Jay Len

"Former Enron executives Ken Lay and Jeffrey Skilling were found guilty of bankrupting the company and its employees. Both are facing over 100 years in prison. This makes them the only two Enron employees who don't have to worry about paying for retirement. ... During the trial, Ken Lay repeatedly told reporters that the case was 'in the hands of God.' Yea, and soon, his ass will be in the hands of someone named 'Jesus'" --Conan O'Brien

"Has anybody seen the Al Gore movie about global warming and the environment? Well, the Bush administration has seen it and they are very annoyed about the whole thing. As a matter of fact, earlier today, Dick Cheney shot a projectionist. ... One very dramatic scene in the Al Gore global warming movie is when a glacier melts and they find more Al Gore ballots from the election." --David Letterman

"A jury found former Enron sleezeballs Ken Lay and Jeff Skilling guilty of fraud and conspiracy. Ken Lay? That's not a good name to have when you're going to prison. And Kenny Boy ain't too good either. ... I guess in prison they'll have done to them what they did to the stockholders." --Jay Leno

"Well, there's a bright side to this for Ken Lay. You know, throughout the years Ken Lay has been a big campaign contributor to the Republican Party. So now, he'll be able to meet with those same people when he goes to prison." --Jay Leno

"Special Council Patrick Fitzgerald has suggested that Dick Cheney could be called to testify in the perjury case of his former chief of staff, Scooter Libby. Political experts say that even if Cheney is called, he is not going to stab his friends in the back. Shoot them in the face? Yeah. But stab them in the back? No." --Jay Leno

"The President of Mexico, Vicente Fox, is here in the United States for four days. Yea, that's how it starts. Four days, then four weeks and then four months. ... Actually when he arrived, he was greeted in the traditional manner. He was immediately offered a job at Wal-Mart." --Jay Leno

"There's a movement in Arizona now to turn voting there into a lottery. This is real. The way it would work is that after every election, one voter would win a million dollars. So basically, you'd vote a Democrat and end up a Republican." --Jay Leno

"First Lady Laura Bush flew from Washington to New York and instead of flying Air Force One, she took the Delta Shuttle. The first lady said she did this because unlike Air Force One, commercial airlines are cheaper, they waste less gas, and she doesn't get stuck sitting next to a dumb guy." --Conan O'Brien

"I guess Vicente Fox wanted to get here before we tighten the immigration laws. ... Even though President Fox has only been in the United States two days, today the INS said they have no way to find him." --Jay Leno

"As many as 26 and a half million veterans reported at risk for identity theft after someone stole a computer disk containing their names, birth dates and social security numbers. Why aren't these files put somewhere where no one can find them, like the same place where we keep President Bush's National Guard records?" --Jay Leno

"As you may have heard, Louisiana Congressman William Jefferson was caught on tape taking a $100,000 bribe and then the FBI found $90,000 in cash in his freezer. Jefferson said he didn't do anything wrong. He said he just fell in with the wrong crowd. You know, other congressmen." --Jay Leno

"The president of Mexico has arrived in the U.S., thanks to some nifty fence climbing. ... I thought this was encouraging. He offered to take President Bush's job for $3 an hour cash." --David Letterman

"This is really unified in both parties. House Speaker Dennis Hastert ... has attacked the FBI for raiding the congressman's office, saying it was an abuse of power. Imagine the nerve of the FBI treating members of Congress like they are regular Americans. Can you imagine? If there's anything that people who make the laws hate is being treated like the people who have to follow the laws." --Jay Leno

"Today the Republicans said this raid may have violated protections for congressmen that are spelled out in the Constitution. The Constitution? All of a sudden they found a copy? Where was this when they were spying on our phone calls?" --Jay Leno

"The Senate has passed a resolution to make English the official language of the United States. Today President Bush said this is the 'goodest news' he's heard in a long time." --Jay Leno

"Vice President Dick Cheney is here in California to try and boost the campaigns of several of the Republican candidates out here. Boy, how low are you in the polls when you bring in Cheney to help you get your numbers up?" --Jay Leno

"Cheney loves California. See, out here, rich and famous people can shoot other people and get away with it." --Jay Leno

"President Bush told reporters he won't see Al Gore's documentary about the threat of global warming. He will not see it. On the other hand, Dick Cheney said he's seen the global warming film five times, and it still cracks him up." --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush has proposed sweeping immigration changes, which is pretty amazing when you consider before he became president, Bush thought immigration was the sincerest form of flattery." --Jay Leno

"President Bush signed a huge tax cut bill. He's hoping the tax cut for the rich will attract a wealthier, more affluent group of illegal immigrants." --Jay Leno

"Scientists now believe that they may be able to teach birds grammar. ... And if they succeed teaching grammar to the birds, they're going to try the same thing with President Bush." --David Letterman

"The Senate voted to make English the national language of the United States. The vote drew protests from several immigrant groups and one governor of California." --Conan O'Brien

"Even though it's a little bit controversial, President Bush supports the effort to make English our national language. The president says making English our national language is not 'discriminatious.'" --Conan O'Brien

"As you know, the National Guard stands by, ready to go into action any time the president of the United States feels there's a big enough of a disaster, like a major earthquake, a huge flood, a 29% approval rating. Any one of those things could trigger movement." --Jay Leno

"President Bush is pretty serious about this enforcement thing. In fact, before he left the border, he put up a scarecrow of Dick Cheney with a shotgun." --Jay Leno

"President Bush said today he has nothing but respect for Mexico and its people and he will always speak the truth to them. Here's my question: When can we get that deal?" --Jay Leno

"The Senate voted to make English the national language. More bad news for President Bush. Now he's got to learn that." --Jay Leno

"The Senate voted 63 to 34 to make English the official language of the United States, but they say as a largely symbolic amendment with no real effect. You know, kind of like that ethics bill." --Jay Leno

"Pat Robertson said this week that God told him that possibly a tsunami could hit the Pacific northwest this year. I don't want to be disrespectful, but possibly? ... Like God's thinking 60/40. ... Pat, that wasn't God. You fell asleep in front of the weather channel." --Jay Leno

"Kenyan Muslims believe that a five-and-a-half pound tuna caught in the Indian Ocean off the coast of Mombasa, carries a message from Allah written among its scales. In a related story, this doctor [shows a picture of Bill Frist] doesn't think doesn't think condoms stop AIDS. And that's this week's edition of 'Religion Gone Nuts'" --Tina Fey

"Many governors of northeastern states are unwilling to volunteer their National Guard troops to assist with President Bush's border plan. They want the Guard troops doing what they do best: freaking people out at Amtrak stations." --Amy Poehler

"The Bush administration is tightening immigration now. In order to cross the United States, you have to have legal documentation. If you want to get into the United States you have to have legal documentation or a 95 mile an hour fast ball." --David Letterman

"The Senate yesterday voted to make English the national language of the United States and also our national muffin. The English muffin. I'm glad they took some time out to work on that." --Jimmy Kimmel

"It's all part of this immigration reform bill that they're working on to help us forget how much we don't like them in Congress. President Bush was in Arizona checking out plans for this new fence he's building. They really should let him actually build the fence. Give him a shovel. I think he'd be good at that. ... But, he's a busy man, the president. He's juggling immigration and tax cuts. He's listening into our phone calls. He's got the war. He's got other wars he's planning." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Immigration is the big issue right now. Earlier today, the Senate voted to build a 370-mile fence along the Mexican border. ... Experts say a 370-mile fence is the perfect way to protect a border that is 1,900 miles long." --Conan O'Brien

"Attorney General Alberto Gonzales says he's not sure if his grandparents entered the United States legally. As a result, President Bush has sent the entire Gonzales family back to Ireland." --Conan O'Brien

"Tempers are running really high in Washington about a lot of issues. Yesterday, Senator Arlen Specter and Senator Russ Feingold got into a shouting match over the issue of gay marriage. ... As a result, Specter and Feingold have cancelled their wedding in the Florida Keys." --Conan O'Brien

"Remember the president of the Teamsters, Jimmy Hoffa? Well, he vanished and there were all these rumors and stories and myths about where he may be buried. It turns out now that the FBI got a tip and now they're looking everywhere for Jimmy Hoffa. Everywhere. The FBI is looking everywhere. And I'm thinking, 'that's great, but what about Osama bin Laden?'" --David Letterman

"The FBI, in their defense, are claiming they have a lead on the whereabouts of Jimmy Hoffa. They said he was last seen on a duck hunting trip with Dick Cheney." --David Letterman

"President Bush called for the National Guard to patrol the U.S.-Mexican border. The guards will track down and find illegals. That's not their job. They're trained to defend our country -- not track down and find people. Let's be honest, the Guard couldn't even track down and find President Bush when he was in the National Guard." --Jay Leno

"President Bush said we'll have 6,000 troops on the border for one year, preferably an election year." --Jay Leno

The Senators voted overwhelmingly for the fence. As I said, it is 370 miles long. Unfortunately, the actual border with Mexico is more than 2,000 miles long. So, I guess the message is 'go around.' ... Tentatively, they're calling it 'The Great Wall of Chimichanga'" --Jimmy Kimmel

"President Bush is proposing sending six thousands National Guard troops to bolster patrols along the U.S.-Mexican border. Or as he's calling it, "No Juan Left Behind." --Jay Leno

"President Bush said that these troops will be at the border temporarily. You know, just until Mexico is ready to govern itself. Sound familiar?" --Jay Leno

"President Bush also said last night we do not yet have full control of the border. Full control? If we had any less control, there'd be an easy-pass lane." --Jay Leno

"President Bush also said in his speech that immigrants have to learn English. The immigrants said, 'Hey, you first.'" --Jay Leno

[Clip of Bush: America needs to conduct this debate on immigration in a reasoned and respectful tone...We cannot build a unified country by inciting people to anger or playing on anyone's fears]
Jon Stewart: "That's what terrorism and gay people are for."

"6,000 guardsmen deployed to the border. The guard, of course, terribly strapped, with so many of its members deployed to Iraq. Boy, I don't know what gave the guys who signed up for the National Guard the impression you can just join it and not have to do any work [on screen: a photo of Pres. Bush from his National Guard days]" --Jon Stewart

"President Bush announced a plan to send 6,000 members of the National Guard to patrol the U.S.-Mexico border. When asked where we'll come up with 6,000 additional troops, the president said, 'Simple, we'll hire illegal immigrants.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Senator Hillary Clinton is being criticized because she recently called today's college kids 'lazy' and 'uninformed.' A spokesperson for college kids said, 'Whatever, lady from TV.'" --Conan O'Brien

"A British scientist has built a car he claims can get 8,000 miles on a gallon of gas. And today, Dick Cheney invited the guy to go hunting with him." --Jay Leno

"Last night was the season finale of 'West Wing.' 'West Wing' is gone. And ABC has cancelled 'Commander In Chief.' So, now the only fictional president is Bush." --David Letterman

"President Bush is sending National Guard members to the Mexican border. And I'm telling you, between Iraq and the Mexican border, the National Guard is stretched tighter than Joan Rivers' face." --David Letterman

"President Bush talked to the nation tonight ... which is a refreshing change. Americans listening to the president, as opposed to the president listening to Americans." --Jay Leno

"In his speech, he outlined a plan to start patrolling the U.S.-Mexican border using members of the National Guard. He said this will give us the most secure border in the world one weekend a month and two full weeks in the summer. ... This will replace our old method of border control: the honor system." --Jay Leno

"No, he was fishing on his ranch. He has a manmade lake that is artificially stocked with fish, and let's not forget the scuba divers who are under there who actually put the fish on the hook for him. And then Cheney comes over and they literally shoot fish in a barrel. The part I love is that he says he caught a 7.5 pound perch, when the biggest perch on record is 4.3 pounds. Bush lied and a fish died, that's all I have to say. And Cheney went even further. He said when they pulled the fish out of the water it greeted them as liberators." --Bill Maher

"Bush said his brother, Jeb, would make a great president. That's all we need. Big Brother's little brother." --Bill Maher

"Bush's approval rating has fallen into the 20s -- 29 percent in the latest poll. I tell you. It's hard out there for a chimp. ... He says doesn't pay attention to the polls. If he wants to know what the American people are thinking, he'll listen to your calls." --Bill Maher

"The important distinction is that in the program that was revealed this week, they're not tapping your line, they're monitoring, they're just building a database -- which is looked over a bullet-headed general in a generalissimo outfit. What could go wrong? They're just collecting phone numbers but not doing anything with them. I don't know if that's against the Constitution. I know women hate that." --Bill Maher

"You know who I feel sorry for is Osama bin Laden because all that hating us for our freedom, and now he has to come up with a completely new reason to hate us." --Bill Maher

"I signed up for a new calling plan today. The 'NSA Friends and Family' plan. A $100 a month, they listen to all my friends and all my family." --Jay Leno

"In the wake of news that the NSA is monitoring American phone records, Sen. Arlen Specter, the judiciary committee chairman, said he would subpoena the phone companies to appear before his committee. to The phone companies said they would try to be there some time between 10 a.m. and 6 p.m." --Tina Fey

"According to Secret Service logs, convicted lobbyist Jack Abramoff was at the White House only two times in the past fives years. Of course, the real question is: was it the same two times that President Bush was there?" --Tina Fey

If the government has been monitoring my phone conversations, by god, they should be paying half of my phone sex bill." --David Letterman

"The House of Representatives passed the $70 billion tax cut capital gains and it's all part of President Bush's 'No Millionaire Left Behind' program." --David Letterman

"There's a guy in Washington, D.C. ... and he's searching through garbage and he finds a copy of President Bush's travel plans. ... Why don't we put this guy in charge of looking for bin Laden?" --David Letterman

"When I got home last night ... Dick Cheney was sitting on my bed reading my diary. ... I think the only reason the president is defending it is because they know about his calls to the Homework Hotline" --Jimmy Kimmel, on the NSA phone call database

"Mother's Day is ... the busiest long distance phone calling day of the year. Over 300 million long distance calls. And those are just the ones being monitored by the White House." --Jay Leno

"President Bush said he'd like to see his brother, Jeb, become president. Great campaign slogan -- 'Jeb Bush: Couldn't do any worse.'" --Jay Leno

"President Bush approval rating: all-time low. 31%. ... If Bush could run again in the next presidential election, he'd get beaten by the bird flu." --Jay Leno

"This Sunday NBC will finally air the last episode of its White House drama, the 'West Wing.' I say good riddance. When the series started out with Martin Sheen as a ... Democratic president, I thought 'Great, more of that what if the Nazis had won World War II alternative history bull crap.' But apparently, there were enough embittered, patchouli-smoking Gore voters tuning in to keep the show afloat year after year." --Stephen Colbert

"President Vladimir Putin gave his seventh annual address to Parliament. I watched mostly to see if he apologized to Vice President Cheney, who last week accused Putin of restricting human rights and hoarding oil. Perhaps not diplomatic, but to be fair, he did not shoot him in the face." --Stephen Colbert

"Are Democrats poised to re-take Congress in 2006? Joke's on them. By November, there won't be a Congress." --Stephen Colbert

"The president of Iran has written a letter to President Bush. This Iranian president is very smart. To make sure Bush read the letter, he wrote it on Exxon stationary." --Jay Leno

"The president of Iran sent George Bush an 18-page letter. ... 18 pages? Yeah, like he's going to read that." --David Letterman

"The president said his brother Jeb 'would be a great president.' I guess we voted for the wrong one then." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Russia still very upset about recent comments Dick Cheney made about that country. But, I am sure the vice president thought out his words very carefully. Cheney, he's not the kind of guy to shoot from the hip" --Jay Leno

"Bush's approval rating has dropped to a new low, 31%. In recent memory, only four presidents have had lower approval ratings: the president of Exxon, the president of Chevron, the president of Conoco, the president of Shell."

"Bush said catching a 7.5 pound fish was his best moment since becoming president. You know the sad thing, a lot of historians would agree with that." --Jay Leno

"In a commencement speech at the University of Oklahoma on Saturday, President Bush told graduates the job market is the best it's been in years. Well sure, look at all the openings just in his cabinet. There's plenty of jobs." --Jay Leno

"Porter Goss the head of the CIA resigned suddenly amid rumors that it has something to do with a floating party that's been going on at the Watergate hotel for years, which involves congressman, lobbyists, defense contractors, and hookers. This is why you don't want your daughter to grow up to be a hooker -- she might fall in with a bad crowd." --Bill Maher

"After just 18 months as CIA director, Porter Goss announced that he will be resigning his post to pursue a career as a scapegoat." --Tina Fey

"The White House said that Bush actually can speak Spanish, but not very well. In other words, about the same as English." --David Letterman

"Bush celebrated Cinco de Mayo a day early today. He would normally do it tomorrow, but Friday is his day off." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Bush said global warming is happening much quicker than he thought, and then his staff pulled him aside and said 'It's just springtime.'" --Jay Leno

"FEMA officials announced today that they are closing their New Orleans field office. A FEMA spokesman said, 'There's nothing left for us to do in New Orleans. Now could someone please get my car out of that tree?'" --Conan O'Brien

"If it's so blessed, why did God put all of our oil under people who hate us?" -- Jon Stewart, on past White House comments that Americans shouldn't change their energy consumption habits because the American lifestyle is "a blessed one" with "a bounty of resources."

"A new National Geographic ... study says that less than four out of ten students can find Iraq on a map. See, President Bush has the opposite problem -- he can't find his way out of Iraq." --Jay Leno

"Secret Service records show that convicted lobbyist Jack Abramoff visited the White House over 200 times in a ten-month period. 200 times! That's more times than President Bush was in the White House." --Jay Leno

"Here in Los Angeles, over 100,000 people walking in the streets today. Nothing to do with immigration, just SUV owners going to work." --Jay Leno

"I don't think Bush fully understands this immigration thing. Like today, when they asked him about amnesty, he said it's horrible when anyone loses their memory." --Jay Leno

"According to a survey, one-third of people asked could not find Louisiana on a map. And those were just the people at FEMA." --Jay Leno

"A mild form of bird flu has been detected in New Jersey. Health officials said the bird flu was hard to detect, because in New Jersey, every bird coughs." --Conan O'Brien

"Best of all, I got to meet my main man, George W. Bush. I shook his hand -- very soft hands by the way. ... I delivered the closing speech. Needless to say the audience could not contain its excitement [showed footage of the audience looking bored]. ... Very respectful silence. The crowd practically carried me out on their shoulders. Although I wasn't actually ready to leave." --Stephen Colbert, at the White House Correspondents' dinner

"When President Bush was in New Orleans, he said 'We pray there is no hurricane coming this year.' This is what we call faith-based disaster planning." --Jay Leno

"The New Orleans Saints drafted Reggie Bush this past weekend. People in New Orleans are hoping this Bush will actually do something to help the city." --Jay Leno

"California now has the most expensive gas prices. Gas is so expensive now that drivers are shooting themselves instead of each other. It's affecting a lot of people. You just wait for the Indy 200 at the end of the month." --Jay Leno

“A Senate panel has suggested that FEMA be done away with. In six to eight weeks when FEMA learns of this they are going to be upset!" --Jay Leno

“President Bush said this week, to help with gas prices, he will temporarily ease environmental regulations. Great. Not only will you not be able to drive, you won't be able to breathe either." --Jay Leno

"President Bush said that when it comes to hurricane preparedness, step number one is to, quote, 'pray that there's no hurricanes.' Later President Bush admitted, yeah, that's our entire plan." --Conan O'Brien

"Condoleezza Rice is the most popular member of the Bush administration. Yeah, experts say that claiming to be the most popular member of the Bush administration is like claiming you got the 'good' kind of Herpes." --Conan O'Brien

"Exxon-Mobil reported a quarterly profit of $8.4 billion. You're not pissed at that? And still, no toilet in the bathroom." --Bill Maher

"Everybody in the government this week is suddenly trying to think of ways to conserve energy. For example, the smoke that blows out of the president's ass when he's talking about this issue is now from clean-burning ethanol." --Bill Maher

"It is astounding, is it not, that the president, who was always so incestuously linked to oil companies for years and years is suddenly shocked, shocked, at what's going on. But I'm not surprised that Bush has no recollection of how gas prices got so high. He has no recollection of doing cocaine and that was right under his nose" --Bill Maher

"President Bush introduced former Fox broadcaster Tony Snow as the new White House Press Secretary. See, this is the perfect example of wasteful government spending. I mean, why is the president paying someone to join his staff and tow the party line when he was doing it on Fox for free?" --Jay Leno

There's a big controversy over the fact that a version of the Star-Spangled Banner has been released in Spanish. And today President Bush said the Star-Spangled Banner should be sung in English. Then he repeated his statement in Spanish." --Jay Leno

"Hey, are you ready for the big immigration walk-out on Monday? Or, as Wal-Mart is calling it, self-service day." --Jay Leno

"Karl Rove, making his fifth grand jury appearance, his fifth grand jury appearance! One more and he gets to bang the gavel." --Jon Stewart

"TV's Tony Snow becomes the White House press secretary. How will he make the difficult transition from Fox News reporter to Republican apologist? ... Mr. President, it is time to hire the folks who've never let you down. Limbaugh at Health and Human Services. Hannity at State. Then give Rummy the Medal of Freedom and install Bill O'Reilly as secretary of defense. Only problem, you might find yourself invading Vermont.” --Stephen Colbert

"Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld made a surprise visit to Iraq yesterday. The surprise is that he's still the secretary of defense, I guess." --Jay Leno

"It's been announced that White House adviser Karl Rove will not be creating the day-to-day policy for the president anymore. You all know Karl Rove, he's the man they call Bush's brain. No, that's what they call him, Bush's brain. Now he's only going to be working part of the time, just like Bush's brain." --Jay Leno

"At a press conference, President Bush introduced his new press secretary Tony Snow, and the president said, this is a quote, 'His job is to help explain my decisions to the American people.' Yeah, then Bush turned to Snow and said, 'Good luck, you poor bastard.'" --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush has picked FOX newsman Tony Snow to be his press secretary. Snow once said that President Bush was an embarrassment, a leader who has lost control of the federal budget, and the architect of a listless domestic policy. Good thing for Snow Bush doesn't read the newspapers." --Jay Leno

"Republicans in Congress are demanding that President Bush investigate whether oil companies are now gouging consumers on these gas prices. That's a good idea, Republicans asking Republicans to investigate other Republicans. And you know who they're going to blame? The Democrats." --Jay Leno

"The big rumor in Washington is that President Bush is about to hire Tony Snow of Fox News to be his new press secretary. His job will be to defend everything the president does, so it's basically a lateral move. It's basically the same thing he's doing now." --Jay Leno

"They said on the news tonight that if gas prices get any higher, we could see something totally unprecedented here in California. People actually walking." --Jay Leno

"Josh Bolten has put together a five-point recovery plan to help push President Bush up in the opinion polls. How about a five-point plan to get out of Iraq, wouldn't that push up the opinion polls?" --Jay Leno

"In a speech this week, California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger said America needs to work together to conserve oil. Then Arnold lit a cigar and drove over the crowd in his hummer." --Conan O'Brien

"The new issue of Rolling Stone magazine features a cover story about President Bush called 'The Worst President in History.' President Bush said 'That's not fair, I'm also the worst president in math, English and geography.'" --Conan O'Brien

"What a crowd, you sound like Dick Cheney when oil hit $74 a barrel." --Jay Leno

"President Bush announced his plan to increase the number of barrels (of oil) produced. You hear his plan? He wants to make smaller barrels." --Jay Leno

"I was watching that movie Mad Max, you know that movie where gas is so precious that people are killing each other for a few gallons. It was set in the future -- I believe it was August."

"Over the weekend, President Bush met with Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger. On leaving the meeting, both had the same comment: What'd he say?" --Jay Leno

"Big shakeup in the Bush administration. Karl Rove will no longer coordinate policy at the White House. That is a shocker -- someone coordinates policy at the White House?" --Bill Maher

"The Minutemen, the vigilante group that's on the border, they gave Bush an ultimatum. They said, 'Either you build a wall along the border, Mr. President, or we will.' I say let them try, because if there's one thing that will change your mind about immigration, it's trying to build a 2,000-mile fence without the help of Mexicans." --Bill Maher

"President Bush was hosting the Chinese president at the White House, President Hu. Or as I call them when they're together: President Hu and President Huh? ... It was actually a very controversial summit. Some think it's wrong to meet a dictator with a deplorable human rights record, but apparently President Hu was okay with it." --Bill Maher

"The Chinese president, President Hu, visited the White House. He received a 21-gun salute although Cheney said it was just an accident." --Jay Leno

"In a speech welcoming the Chinese president to the White House, President Bush said the two nations are divided by a vast ocean and connected by Wal-Marts." --Jay Leno

"During the big meeting [with Chinese President Hu], Vice President Cheney fell asleep, although the White House said he was just reading his notes. That's the same way he hunts: with his eyes closed. " --Jay Leno

"President Bush and Chinese President Hu said that our two countries are growing closer. In his speech, President Hu said China is providing more democracy and freedom for its people and President Bush said our government is moving closer to China's system of spying on people without warrants and holding people in jail without trials. Also, we're talking about building a 'Great Wall.'" --Jay Leno

"President Bush met with the president of China at the White House. The arrival ceremony was interrupted by a protester who started yelling, 'Stop the persecution, stop the torture!' President Bush had to ask, 'Which one of us are you talking to?'" --Jay Leno

"Press secretary Scott McClellan resigned. I tell you, people in the White House are dropping faster than old guys hunting with Dick Cheney." --Jay Leno

"It is kind of ironic, Iraq is having trouble forming a government, and President Bush is having problems keeping the government he formed." --Jay Leno

"Record temperatures in Texas. Over 100 degrees. In fact, it was so hot 3000 people are without power today. 3001 if you count Tom Delay." --Jay Leno

"Al Gore is coming out with a movie about global warming called 'An Inconvenient Truth.' It's described as a detailed scientific view of global warming. President Bush said he just saw a film about global warming, 'Ice Age 2; The Meltdown.' He said, 'It's so much better than that boring Al Gore movie.'" --Jay Leno

"President Bush creating thousands of new jobs. The bad news, they're all in the White House. As you know, staff members have been leaving the White House in droves. Today, press secretary Scott McClellan stepped down. He said he wanted to spend more time lying to his family." --Jay Leno

There is no word yet on who will fill McClellan's shoes, although one rumored candidate is Tony Snow, a correspondent at Fox News. In other words, the White House is considering paying a Fox News