2005 Late Night Humor Archive

"According to a new poll, President Bush's approval rating, on the rise. Well, a lot of those polls are phone polls. People are worried Bush is listening: What? I think he's doing a hell of a job! Yeah." --Jay Leno

"All kinds of gigantic sales going on after Christmas. Today in Washington, lobbyist Jack Abramoff was selling Tom DeLay at 50% off." --Jay Leno

"It's the start of a new year and President Bush wants to hit the ground bungling." --David Letterman

"A kid from Florida, he was like 16 years old, and he runs away from home and he goes to Iraq. His family was from Iraq, and he wanted to go back and see what it was like. He spent like three weeks over there and then he came home. At least he had an exit strategy." --David Letterman

"While President Bush was spending the holidays at his Texas ranch, he was clearing brush and a branch cut his face. As a result the tree was cut down and tortured by Dick Cheney." --Conan O'Brien

"Republican lobbyist Jack Abramoff has agreed to cooperate with federal prosecutors. He could name up to 20 congressmen. When President Bush heard this, he said 'That's amazing. I can only name three congressmen.'" --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush says he is 100% sure he was right to wiretap. And you know Bush, when he says he's 100% sure, he's always right." --David Letterman

I was coming to work this morning, and they're playing Christmas music on the radio. They were playing that song, "He knows when you've been sleeping, he knows when you're awake, he knows when you've been bad or good ..." So apparently Santa works for the National Security Agency. --Jay Leno

"President Bush is being criticized by right wing groups because this Christmas cards to friends this year did not say 'Merry Christmas". Instead they said, 'Sorry about the indictment.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Today three wise men arrived at the White House. They're lawyers trying to help President Bush avoid impeachment. They brought gold and other things." --Jay Leno

"I'm joking about it but the traffic now is horrible in the city. The city is now like Dick Cheney, every major artery in is blocked." --David Letterman

"Newsweek magazine is reporting that president bush called in the editor and publisher of the New York Times two weeks ago and demanded they stop publishing the article about him illegally eavesdropping and wiretapping people. Here's my question. How did he know they were going to publish it?" --Jay Leno

"Let's see what is going on with George W. Bush. Do you know what the "W" stands for? Wiretap." --Jay Leno

"Dick Cheney has warned members of congress that the Patriot Act is set to expire in just ten days. Not only that, but parts of Dick Cheney are set to expire in ten days." --Conan O'Brien

“I was coming to work this morning, and they're playing Christmas music on the radio, and they were playing that song, "He knows when you've been sleeping, he knows when you're awake, he knows when you've been bad or good ..." So apparently Santa works for the National Security Agency." --Jay Leno

"President Bush is trying to put the best spin he can on this eavesdropping scandal, like he said today: "This proves we have a government that listens to the people." --Jay Leno

"Over the weekend, Vice President Dick Cheney made a surprise visit to Iraq, it was yesterday. Cheney was there, and he gave the troops one of his holiday sneers. And if you think about it, when you're at war in some far off corner of the world, what better than a visit from a guy who got five draft deferments? Iraqi officials met with Dick Cheney, or as they call him over there, Lawrence of Arrhythmia." --David Letterman

"In his 318th speech in Iraq on Sunday, the President said that the terrorists view the world as a giant battlefield. As opposed to us, who view the world as a giant oil field." --Jay Leno

"Bulgaria announced they're pulling all their troops from Iraq, both of them. No, they said they'll replace their troops with a non-combat force. That would be the French army." --Jay Leno

"USC Heisman Trophy winner Reggie Bush announced he is available for the NFL draft. Actually, this also marks the first time in history the words 'Bush' and 'available for the draft' have ever appeared together in the same sentence." --Jay Leno

"That's the big story, you know. President Bush and this whole domestic spying thing. Remember the good old days when the only thing you had to worry about on your phone were telemarketers." --Jay Leno

"Some groups are now picketing Wal-Mart because their employees can't say 'Merry Christmas.' It's not store policy or anything, they just don't speak English." --Jay Leno

"Time has named former Presidents Bush and Clinton the partners of the year. These two are now so close they’re thinking about making a cowboy movie." --David Letterman

"President Bush admitted that the United States went to war in Iraq based on bad intelligence. But he says knowing what we know now he would still do it again. So at least we're learning from our mistakes." --Jay Leno

"A congressional press secretary by the name of Thomas Springer was arrested for bank robbery. Guy's a congressional press secretary, police said he robbed at least 7 banks. Said he fell in with the wrong crowd. Yeah, Congress." --Jay Leno

"King Kong is so popular right now that there's talk he may run for governor of California." --David Letterman

"The general election's taking place today in Iraq, so I guess that means we're one step closer to being there for another 10 years." --David Letterman

"Already there have been reports of 1000 fake ballots in the Iraqi election. So it looks like another victory for Republicans." --David Letterman

"It will take up to two weeks to figure out who won this week's Iraqi elections. So far it looks like the dark-haired guy with the moustache." --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush admitted that much of the intelligence that we went to war on was faulty. Well you can't blame the president for relying on faulty intelligence. It got him through college." --Jay Leno

"President Bush spoke today about the elections in Iraq. Bush admitted the elections won't be perfect. Well, luckily for him, they're not perfect over here, too. That's how he got elected." --Jay Leno

"You know President Bush and his father have nicknames for each other? President Bush calls his father 41, because he was the 41st president, and his father calls him 43, because that's his approval rating." --Jay Leno

"It was so cold in Washington, Tom DeLay was wearing an extra layer of bribe money." --Jay Leno

"During an interview yesterday, President Bush said 'You can call me anything you want, but don't call me a racist.' Brian Williams responded: 'Whatever you want, Dumbass.'" --Conan O'Brien

"In a recent interview, President Bush said, this is a quote, 'I know a lot of people who are glad that we're in Iraq.' When asked who, the president said the leaders of North Korea and Iran." --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush's approval ratings on the way up. They've gone up 5 points this week. You know what you call that? A Christmas miracle. He's now up to 42% favorable. President Bush said his goal was to get it up to 49% -- like it was on Election Day." --Jay Leno

"The price of heating has gone up so much that people are now asking Santa for coal in their stockings." --Jay Leno

"Heating bills this winter are the highest they've been in five years, but President Bush has a plan to combat rising bills. It's called global warming." --Jay Leno

"The Energy Department's Argon National Lab has determined that Beethoven died from lead poisoning. Now when did he die, 1827? And you thought you had to wait a long time for your lab results. Apparently, Beethoven was one of the first members of an HMO plan." --Jay Leno

"While speaking in North Carolina this week, President Bush said, the economy is strong, and the best is yet to come. Adding: Also, the war's going great, we don't torture people, I'm 11 feet tall, and if you don't believe me, you can ask my unicorn." --Tina Fey

"It's predicted that USC running back Reggie Bush will be the overwhelming vote-getter for the Heisman Trophy award. That's tomorrow, isn't it? It's also the first time the words 'Bush' and 'overwhelming vote-getter' appeared in the same sentence." --Jay Leno

"A rumor is circulating that Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld will retire next year. Today, Rumsfeld denied it, saying if you've seen my work in Iraq, you know I don't plan that far ahead." --Conan O'Brien

"For those of you who aren't Jewish, Hannukah is the celebration of when a tiny amount of oil lasted for eight days. Boy, sound's like a Republican's worst nightmare, doesn't it? A fuel-efficient device that doesn't use a lot of oil?" --Jay Leno

"First Lady Laura Bush read 'The Grinch Who Stole Christmas' to a group of children. Unfortunately, the first lady was interrupted when Dick Cheney yelled 'Go Grinch.'" --Conan O'Brien

"There was so much snow in Washington, D.C. that Dick Cheney had to take the chains off a detainee and put them on his car." --Jay Leno

[On anti-torture legislation negotiations]: "It works like any negotiation. ... Both sides go in overreaching with their best-case scenario going forward, knowing they're probably not going to get exactly what they want. McCain has opened with no torture, any time, any place. The administration has countered with, we want to do whatever we want, whenever we want, to whomever we want, and we don't want anybody knowing about it. So they're not really that far apart. There's some wiggle room there. And if you know anything about torture, you do not want to spend any time in the wiggle room." --"Daily Show" Senior Human Rights Correspondent Jason Jones

"President Bush is being criticized by Christian groups because his holiday cards don't have the word 'Christmas' in them. In response, President Bush said, 'You try spelling it.'" --Conan O'Brien

"According to CNN, Donald Rumsfeld said the war in Iraq did not go according to plan. And President Bush said, 'What? We had a plan?'" --Jay Leno

"In a speech yesterday, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld criticized the media for casting the war in Iraq in a negative light. Yeah, he said they should focus on the light-hearted and fun aspects of the war." --Conan O'Brien

"A lot of Bush supporters are very upset about the TV show the 'West Wing.' They say there are too many Democrats on the 'West Wing.' That'll even out when 'Prison Break' comes back, there'll be a lot more Republicans then." --Jay Leno

"In Texas, President Bush has been called for jury duty. He says he is going to serve. We want him to get out of Iraq. He can't even get out of jury duty." --Jay Leno

"You know whose birthday it is today? General George Custer. And like President Bush, he had no exit strategy either." --Jay Leno

"A new study suggests that middle-aged adults who go on periodic drinking binges may face a heightened risk of dementia later on in life. The study is entitled, 'National Strategy for Victory in Iraq.'" --Tina Fey

"President Bush and the first lady sent Christmas cards to the leaders of 200 countries. Yeah, it would have been 201, but someone told the president that Legoland is not a real country." --Conan O'Brien

"Bulgaria and Ukraine announced they're considering pulling their forces out of Iraq. Yeah, the troops will be withdrawn as soon as they can find a car that seats 6 people." --Conan O'Brien

"Down in Washington they lit the Christmas tree. President Bush pulled the switch and the tree lit up. Since that was successful they're thinking about trying the same thing with Dick Cheney." --David Letterman

"President Bush lit the National Christmas Tree. The tree has over 25,000 lights. One for every indicted member of the administration." --Jay Leno

"President Bush getting tough. In his speech at the naval academy he said we will not leave Iraq until we have achieved our goal. He calls this plan 'leave no oil barrel behind.'" --Jay Leno

"Bush said he was not afraid to go it alone. Boy, I tell you, if any more Republicans get indicted, he may have to." --Jay Leno

"Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice has defended the White House position on detainees by saying, 'with terrorists, you can lock someone up even before they commit a crime.' How about trying this with Congressmen? Why don't we try this some time?" --Jay Leno

"A new poll reveals that 56% of Americans believe that Wal-Mart is bad for the country, while the other 44% work there." --Amy Poehler

"President Bush was called for jury duty in Texas. Whew, finally some good news for Tom DeLay." --Jay Leno

"It seems the Pentagon has been paying Iraqi journalists to promote a pro-White House view in Iraqi newspapers. See, luckily, we don't have that kind of thing here. We have Fox News." --Jay Leno

"Earlier today, President Bush sent out 1.4 million Christmas cards to friends and supporters. Yeah, in a related story, Vice President Dick Cheney sent out three. And they all say 'I'm gonna get you'" --Conan O'Brien

"California Congressman Duke Cunningham resigned from office after admitting he broke the law by taking $2.4 million dollars in bribes. It's kind of ironic. The only time you can be really be sure that a politician is telling the truth is when he's admitting that he's a crook." --Jay Leno

"Imagine being too unethical for Congress. That's like a rat hair getting kicked out of a hot dog." --Jay Leno

"Little reminder for all you lobbyists, oil executives and defense contractors out there, only 26 more shopping days to buy a congressman." --Jay Leno

"In his speech President Bush said we need to rebuild Iraq, provide the people with jobs, and give them hope. If it works there maybe we'll try it in New Orleans." --Jay Leno

"President Bush was at the Mexican border yesterday. Apparently his poll numbers are so low that he was trying to make a run for it." --Jay Leno

"California Congressman Randy Duke Cunningham resigned yesterday after he admitted to taking $2.4 million in bribes. Of course his resignation was a big shock. Especially to the companies who bribed him. 'What? We spent all that money and he quit. What are you nuts?'" --Jay Leno

"Only in America. Even though he stole 2.4 million he has agreed to pay back 1.8 million to make it right. So let that be a lesson to all you other congressmen out there. If you get caught stealing you may have to pay back a small fraction of what you took ... Don't you love how our system works? So if you're poor and you steal a loaf of bread it's a $200 fine, if you're a congressman who steals $2.4 million you get to keep a 25% bonus." --Jay Leno

"What does Duke Cunningham say to Tom DeLay? 'You want the upper bunk or the lower bunk'" --Jay Leno

"Former head of FEMA Michael Brown has opened up his own private disaster agency. That's like Robert Blake opening up a marriage counseling facility." --David Letterman

"President Bush spent the Thanksgiving weekend at his ranch in Crawford, Texas. A lot of anti-war protesters showed up. On the news they said that 12 pro-Bush supporters were also there. Twelve? Really? That's it? That's pretty bad isn't it? Even Scott Peterson had more people than that waiting for him." --Jay Leno

"In Baghdad, the trial of Saddam Hussein began again today, after a five-week delay which saw two of the former dictator's lawyers executed and a third flee the country. In addition, the trial was adjourned after it was discovered that a key witness against Saddam had been found dead. Although, on the bright side, that witness died of cancer. Which I believe in Iraq is a very hopeful sign. To see someone there live long enough to die of a disease, I think they're turning things around." --Jon Stewart

"Yesterday President Bush officially pardoned the White House turkey. Then after he pardoned the turkey he appointed it the new head of FEMA." --Jay Leno

"According to a new report out of England, President Bush made plans to bomb the al-Jazeera TV network, but was met with disagreement. By Dick Cheney, who wanted to bomb CNN instead." --Jay Leno

"Earlier today President Bush pardoned the White House turkey. Here's an interesting fact. Do you know how they pick the turkey to give the presidential pardon to? They see which one gave the most money to Tom DeLay." --Jay Leno

"Thanksgiving is almost here. Today President Bush pardoned the White House turkey. Dick Cheney however wanted to torture it." --Conan O'Brien

"As you know President Bush has returned from his Asian tour. Remember the old days when Nixon opened the door to China? Now we can't even open a door in China." --Jay Leno

"In an interview in GQ, rap artist 50 Cent says he is a big fan of President Bush...this increases President Bush's approval rating among African Americans to one." --Jay Leno

"President Bush had an embarrassing moment after holding a press conference in China, did you see this on the news? He tried to leave the room, but the doors were locked. Once again, no exit strategy." --Jay Leno

"Of course people will be eating turkey on Thanksgiving. A lot of people like to bake it, some broil it, a lot of people pan fry their turkey, some roast it. Dick Cheney plans to have the CIA torture his." --David Letterman

"President Bush is following Arnold Schwarzenegger into China. When Bush landed on Saturday, Arnold had just left. Boy, the Chinese thought they had trouble understanding Arnold. They go from Arnold Schwarzenegger to President Bush. Who are we sending them next? Bob Dylan, Ozzie Osbourne?" --Jay Leno

"According to the latest poll, a majority of Americans think President Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney are not telling the truth. How ironic is that? You ever think you'd see the day where you missed the honesty of Bill Clinton." --Jay Leno

"Earlier today, President Bush pardoned the White House turkey. It was just a practice run for Scooter Libby." --David Letterman

"The federal government began investigating allegations of fraud against the Coalition Provisional Authority, a U.S. contractor accused in a bid-rigging operation involving millions of dollars. Asked to comment, a spokesperson for Halliburton said, 'Millions? With an M? That is adorable.'" --Amy Poehler

"President Bush is planning on spending Thanksgiving out at his ranch in Crawford. And you know how he always pardons the White House turkey? Bad news for the turkey: There are three cabinet members ahead of him." -- Jay Leno

"George Bush's brother Jeb, who is the governor of Florida, says he wants to be president. And you can't blame him. Right now the Bush name is magic." --David Letterman

"For the first time ever, Republicans in Congress -- Republicans! -- are demanding to know the president's exit strategy from Iraq. Yeah, in response the president said I have an exit strategy, I'm leaving office in 2008." --Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday, a group of scientists warned that because of global warming, sea levels will rise so much that parts of New Jersey will be under water. The bad news? Parts of New Jersey won't be under water." --Conan O'Brien

"According to the Pentagon, Iraq detained 83,000 terror suspects, enough to fill a football stadium. You know what you call a football stadium filled with terrorists in this country? Oakland Raiders' games." --Jay Leno

"Florida Gov. Jeb Bush says he wants to be president. Well that's good, somebody will have to pardon his brother." --David Letterman

"Rumor is that President Bush's brother, Florida Gov. Jeb Bush, may run for president. Rumor is? According to Florida voting machines, he's already won." --Jay Leno

"President Bush is on an 8-day tour of Asia. He's visiting American jobs. He's spending 8 days in the Orient, and as we all know, he's spent the last four years in disorient." --David Letterman

"Congress today asked the president to give them updates on Iraq, and I can only say, that isn't happening? Maybe, uh, you guys suck worse than I thought." --Jon Stewart

"It's hot out there. I was sweating like a Japanese translator trying to figure out what Bush was saying." --Jay Leno

"Jeb Bush now says he would like to be president, and I think I speak for all Americans when I say, 'When can you start, Jeb?'" --David Letterman

"As Schwarzenegger found out, the trouble with getting voted in as a joke, sooner or later, the joke gets old." --"Daily Show" commentator Lewis Black

"President Bush has embarked on an eight-day tour of the continent. He hopes this one goes better than the other ones he's made recently. Obviously he's not doing that well in North America [36% Approval], his South American trip had a few bumps [Angry mobs], Europe seems to think the president doesn't care what they think, but hey, who cares what they think? They could at least thank him for what he's done for their burning effigy industry." --Stephen Colbert

"According to the latest poll, 66% of Americans believe Dick Cheney has been given too much power by President Bush, and the other 34% think President Bush has been given too much power by Dick Cheney." --Jay Leno

"Vice President Dick Cheney is in town. He has been squeezing in as many fundraisers as possible before his indictment." --David Letterman

"Governor Jeb Bush of Florida has announced he might run for president, because how many times have you thought to yourself that all we need is one more Bush in the White House? Actually, experts say he's a shoe-in because he owns all of the crooked voting machines." --David Letterman

"President Bush, is on his Asian tour now. He'll visit Japan, China, South Korea, Mongolia. Once again, he's skipping Vietnam." --David Letterman

"While the Democrats are focusing on how we were misled to war, Bush is focusing on how to mislead us out of it. ... If we were wrong about why we went in, we have to be wrong about why we're leaving. Otherwise ... it sends our enemies the message that America lacks the will to remain incorrect." --"Daily Show" correspondent Rob Corddry

"In Michigan, an 18-year-old high school student was elected mayor, ousted a 51-year-old incumbent. An 18-year-old replacing a 51-year-old. In Beverly Hills, that's called a second marriage." --Jay Leno

"California voters rejected all four of Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger's ballot proposals, all of them, every one, including Number One: No hogging the bench press. Number two: Towel off the incline board. Number three: Put the free weights back on the rack after use, and Number Four: Let me squeeze your buttocks and don't tell nobody." --Tina Fey on "Saturday Night Live"

"In an Election Day victory for their party on Tuesday, Democrats won the governors' races in Virginia and New Jersey. Democrats everywhere got together to celebrate before they realized they don't remember how." --Amy Poehler on "Saturday Night Live"

"In a speech earlier today, President Bush said his opponents are rewriting the pages of American history. You know what makes him really mad? They're using big words." --Conan O'Brien

"Every Friday night, CBS has this tremendous hit show, 'Ghost Whisperer.' It's about a woman who is contacted by the dead, and she does things for them. As a matter of fact, earlier tonight, she was contacted by George Bush's second term." --David Letterman

"The price of gas is down for the 5th straight week. President Bush has called an emergency cabinet meeting to find out what the hell went wrong." --Jay Leno

"As of today former FEMA Director Michael Brown is finally off the government payroll. That’s how slow FEMA is – they can’t even fire someone fast." --Jay Leno

"President Bush met with the Dalai Lama. I don't think President Bush really knew who the Dalai Lama was. He kept praising him for his fine work in the 'Karate Kid' movies." --Jay Leno

"Arnold Schwarzenegger's approval rating is down to 30%. After he heard this, Arnold said 'I'm not going to act all upset and hurt because I don't have that kind of range.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Scooter Libby, who got indicted, has set up a legal defense fund to help pay his legal bills. It's pretty good, for a $1,000 donation you get a hand-written thank you note and the name of a CIA agent." --Jay Leno

"When these oil company executives walked into the Capitol building, all these senators and congressmen were scared and nervous. It's always a little nerve-wracking when the real owners of the place show up." --Jay Leno

"The chiefs of the five major oil companies defended their companies' huge profits before a congressional committee. See, this gave oil company executives a chance to put a face to the names they write on the checks." --Jay Leno

"President Bush has asked all the White House employees to take an ethics course. And Dick Cheney's asked them all to take CPR. In fact, it's not even a course, it's a seminar, being held in Vegas, and Halliburton is picking up the tab." --Jay Leno

"Vice President Dick Cheney went duck hunting and there were no ducks. Apparently he got some bad intelligence." --David Letterman

"Well, while all this is going on, all these indictments, President Bush has now ordered everyone in the White House to attend ethics classes. Woo, not a moment too soon on that one. Now, you thought FEMA was late? --Jay Leno

"That President Bush, I'm telling you I wouldn't give his troubles to a monkey on a rock. His approval rating is at an all-time low, 35%. For the first time, it's actually lower than his grades at Yale." --David Letterman

"Today is Election Day, did everyone vote today? It's very important to New Yorkers -- we're one step closer to self-rule." --David Letterman

"President Bush traveling a lot these days. You notice that? Last week, Bush was in Latin America, and later this week he's going to Asia. The trips are all part of Bush's new domestic plan, 'Don't blame me, I wasn't even there.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Iraq is now planning to be a five-star hotel and a theme park for what they're expecting to be a future tourist boom, boom being the operative word there." --Jay Leno

"President Bush was greeted by ten thousand demonstrators screaming 'get out Bush, get out Bush.' And that was here at the airport before he left." --Jay Leno, on Bush's trip to Argentina

"The president's trip to Argentina has ended badly: He's coming back. His visit there in Argentina was greeted as expected. There were thousands of people rioting, flipping over cars, smashing store fronts, signs saying Bush go home, which is nothing compared to what would have happened if he had shown up in Detroit at Rosa Parks' funeral. Yeah, he didn't go to that, because he's about as popular with black people as a chicken that just sneezed." --Bill Maher

"President Bush is in South America. When he landed, he said 'Oh my god, John Edwards was right, there ARE two Americas!'" --Jay Leno

"Vice President Dick Cheney's former assistant, Scooter Libby, pleaded not guilty to the charges against him. Yeah, the weird thing is since his name is Scooter, he's being tried in juvenile court." --Conan O'Brien

"What did Scooter Libby say when he bumped into President Bush at the White House? ...Pardon me." --Jay Leno

"Outside the courthouse, Libby's lawyer said all he wants to do is clear his client's good name. I don't know, Scooter? Is that a good name?" --Jay Leno

"Senator Chuck Grassley has written to the oil companies asking them to donate a portion of their nearly hundred billion dollar oil profits to help low income people buy heat this winter. The oil companies responded by offering millions of dollars to someone to run against Grassley in the next primary." --Jay Leno

"Political experts say that because President Bush has been having so much trouble with domestic issues, his advisors are telling him to focus more on international issues. As a result, today President Bush had breakfast at the International House of Pancakes." - Conan O'Brien

"President Bush outlined the U.S. government's plan to attack a bird flu outbreak. Apparently his plan is to attack the bird flu over there in Iraq before it attacks us here. In fact, do you know what they're calling the plan to attack? Flock and awe." --Jay Leno

"I don't know if President Bush really understands this bird flu. A reporter asked him if he was inoculated, and he said 'Hey, I haven't had a drink in 20 years.'" --Jay Leno

"According to the latest poll, if George W. Bush were to run for president today he would lose to the Democratic candidate. And today George W. Bush said 'Again?'" --Jay Leno

"The White House, for the first time, didn't open the door for trick-or-treaters last night. It's not terrorism, they're just worried that someone will come to the door with a subpoena." --Jay Leno

"Libby was indicted on two counts of obstruction of justice, three counts of perjury, and one count of not being as smart as Karl Rove." --Jon Stewart

"Three kids came to my house dressed as Bush, Cheney and Condoleezza Rice. I gave them some candy and they just kept standing there. I said, 'Okay, you can go,' and they said 'Oh, we can't, we don't have an exit strategy,' so they're still there at the house." --Jay Leno

"President Bush was asked how he came up with a conservative like Alito, and he said he got the idea over the weekend while turning the clocks back." --Jay Leno

"As you know, over the weekend, people at the White House set their clocks back to Watergate. No, setting the clocks back, means the nights are getting longer. Boy, more bad news for Scooter
Libby." --Jay Leno

"Dick Cheney's right-hand man Scooter Libby has been indicted. By the way, his real name is not Scooter. It's I. Lewis Libby, which will come in handy when he has to say "I Lewis Libby swear to tell the truth, the whole truth.'" --Bill Maher

"This is a blow to Cheney. He is Cheney's Cheney. They say he could finish Cheney sentences, and now he's going to at Leavenworth." --Bill Maher

"If convicted Libby could face the following penalties: obstruction of justice: 10 years in prison; making false statements: 5 years; perjury: 4 years; going to jail with the name Scooter: priceless." --Tina Fey

"Last night's game was the longest game in World Series history. It lasted 5 hours and 41 minutes. And as it dragged on and on and on, I began to think it was something George Bush had gotten us into." --David Letterman

"The White House remains steadfast. They said they will absolutely not withdraw Harriet Miers' nomination to the Supreme Court. You know what that means? She'll be out of there in a week." --David Letterman

"Apparently Dick Cheney has been giving pep talks to the White House staff. Boy, when you think pep, you think Dick Cheney, dontcha?" --David Letterman

"Tom Delay had his mug shot taken. Did you see the picture? He has his hair dyed, teeth caped, eyebrows lifted - for a minute they thought they arrested Regis." --David Letterman

The prison-movie dialogue almost writes itself:
"Wha-cha in for, Scooter? Lyin'? Well, at least you're not a covert-agent leaker. You know what we do to leakers around here."
--Ellis Henican

"The big story from Washington today is that President Bush may have lied to investigators about the CIA leak. The theory is that President Bush may have been playing dumb. Well good luck getting anyone to believe that one." --Jay Leno

"Morale is so bad at the White House that Dick Cheney has been giving pep talks. Yeah, you know it's bad when Dick Cheney is the most cheerful guy in the room." --Conan O'Brien

"Insiders say that if Karl Rove resigns, President Bush will not function effectively. Wait a minute, all this time he's been functioning effectively?" --David Letterman

"Bush is so exhausted by all these scandals that he is praying for another disaster like a flood or a hurricane so he can kick back and do nothing." --Bill Maher

"Crime is down all over the country. It is down in Washington, D.C. As a matter of fact, today, Tom DeLay was just laundering clothing." --David Letterman

"President Bush is taking an active role in the Saddam Hussein trial. Today he appointed an unqualified judge." --David Letterman

"Apparently Arnold Schwarzenegger is not happy with President Bush for visiting this close to the special election coming up, did you hear about this? Apparently they had words with each other, but between Bush's english and Arnold's accent, no one could understand what they said." --Jay Leno

"Last week, Hurricane Wilma grew into the strongest storm ever recorded in the Atlantic, with sustained winds at 175 miles per hour. Or, as it's called around FEMA, casual Friday." --Tina Fey

"Yesterday, a Republican senator from New Hampshire, a guy named Judd Gregg, announced that he won $850,000 in the PowerBall lottery. Then he immediately called for more tax cuts for the rich. Actually, you can tell he's a Republican. He said he would take some of the $850,000 he won and buy guns for the homeless." --Jay Leno

"At the trial Saddam insisted he is still president, he is still in charge, despite the fact that his people disapprove of him and his top assistants are all in jail or going to jail. No, I'm sorry, that's President Bush." --Jay Leno

"Saddam Hussein's trial started yesterday, were you folks aware of that? In court he was stubborn and he was defiant. Stubborn and defiant in insisting that he's still the president. You know, sorta like Bush." --David Letterman

"Saddam Hussein went on trial today. See, I didn't even know he worked in the Bush White House." --Jay Leno

"There are rumors circulating that because of the CIA leak investigation, Vice President Dick Cheney would resign and Condoleezza Rice will take his place. Due to the complex nature of the arrangement, it had to be explained to the President using puppets." --Jay Leno

"As you know, President Bush's approval rating at its lowest number ever. It's gotten so bad that even Harriet Miers is refusing to take his phone calls." --Jay Leno

"US News and World Report put out a breaking news flash that rumors are flying Vice President Dick Cheney might resign. Who's going to be president now?" --Jay Leno

"The results from the Iraqi election are coming in and the Sunnis are claiming that the election was rigged. So looks like they got an American-style democracy after all." --David Letterman

"Over the weekend in Iraq, they arrested the Al Qaeda barber. That's right. That's not like a nickname, he was actually the barber. It's an enormous breakthrough, and now we have a lead on Osama bin Laden's aromatherapist." --David Letterman

"Karl Rove testified in front of the grand jury for the fourth time. This is the fourth time in front of the grand jury. In fact this time he had to give his testimony standing up. See the first three times he lied his ass off, so he had to stand up." --Jay Leno

"The first baby has been born in New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina. Yeah, they named it FEMA because it finally showed up after nine months." --Jay Leno

"As if they don't have enough troubles at the White House. They tried to have a live conversation with the troops yesterday. Troops in Iraq on satellite, Bush at the White House, it was supposed to look like an impromptu Q and A. Well it turned out it was so scripted, the troops were rehearsed down to the way they would read their lines. Boy that's the Bush military for you. No gays but plenty of choreographers." --Bill Maher

"The White House adamantly denied the troops had been rehearsed. Scott McClellan said, 'No script, no plan. Just like everything else we do in Iraq.'" --Bill Maher

"President Bush, not looking good. His approval rating is down to 38. 38! That's lower than Dick Cheney's pulse. In fact, his approval rating is so low he's actually eligible for FEMA assistance now. And It gets worse. According to the new NBC/Wall Street Journal poll, among African Americans, President Bush's approval rating is 2 percent. You know who the 2 percent are? Condoleezza Rice and Clarence Thomas." --Jay Leno

"You know what you call a Republican with only 2 percent of the black vote? A Republican." --Jay Leno

"Well, you can sure tell it's fall. Down in Washington, D.C. yesterday, Tom DeLay was in his front yard raking indictments." --David Letterman

"No, the president not doing well. His approval rating among blacks is at 2%. That's somewhere between Mark Fuhrman and Sickle Cell Anemia." --Bill Maher

"You know I love New Orleans, they're vowing to hold Mardi Gras this year come hell or -- no pun -- high water. This is interesting, they've always had a Mardi Gras drink called the Hurricane. They're not going to serve that this year, but they've got a new one called the FEMA. It's strong, it hits you about a week later." --Bill Maher

"President Bush is getting a lot of grief from conservatives about Harriet Miers' lack of legal opinions. Which is kind of surprising, a woman without any opinions? That's like a Republican's dream, isn't it?" --Jay Leno

"According to the latest poll, only 2% of African Americans think Bush is doing a good job. Yeah, the number would have been higher, but Condoleezza Rice has a very small family." --Conan O'Brien

"It was raining so hard down in Washington, D.C., Tom DeLay didn't even have to launder his money." --David Letterman

"Supreme Court nominee Harriet Miers told the New York Times that George Bush was the most brilliant man she ever met, which is kind of scary. She only has one known opinion, and that's it." --Jay Leno

"The latest approval ratings are out, not good for President Bush. His ratings are now two points below the Bird Flu." --Jay Leno

"President Bush and the first lady were on the Today Show building a house for Katrina victims. And before they started building, they gave Bush a set of plans, and he asked if he could keep them because, you know, he's never had a set of plans." --Jay Leno

"President Bush is taking more liberal positions. For example global warming. He used to be against it. Now it's the Republican plan for heating homes this winter." -Jay Leno

"China has launched two guys into space, were you aware of that? Like this week, two guys from China are flying around in space. Their mission is to visit every planet and leave take out menus. President Bush, who has been accused of lying down on the job, he's not taking these Chinese men in space lightly. In response, President Bush announced a plan to put a man on Harriet Miers." --David Letterman

"Today a Texas grand jury indicted House Majority Leader Tom DeLay for conspiracy in a campaign finance scheme. This is the most embarrassing thing to happen to the Republicans since yesterday." --Jay Leno

"In a radio speech this weekend Bush said I will not be satisfied until every American who wants to work can find a job. Then Bush went back to his five-week vacation." --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush is at his ranch in Crawford, Texas, and here's the good news -- he says he will only stay until Crawford is capable of self rule." --David Letterman

"Yesterday in New York City they did a simulated gas attack. ... I believe it was the biggest release of gas in Manhattan since, well I guess the Republican convention." --David Letterman

"He (Gov. Mitt Romney) has decided that life begins not at conception, not at birth, but when you decide to run for president." --Jon Stewart

"President Bush is now in the second week of his five-week vacation down there in Crawford, Texas. He's been taking a lot of criticism for this long vacation and his aides say he has his laptop with him so he can still play Solitaire and Minesweep -- so it's business as usual." --Jay Leno

"President Bush is on a five-week vacation. From what? President Bush, before he went on vacation, he signed a bill that will extend daylight savings another month. He said it proves we're winning the war on darkness" --David Letterman

And while President Bush was out of town Hillary Clinton stopped by the White House on Friday for an important meeting with her decorator." --Jay Leno

"So Congress is on recess and Bush is on vacation -- the town is empty. It's so lonely in D.C. right now the NRA and the Oil lobby are just giving money to each other." --Jay Leno

"President Bush talked tough today. He said he's not backing out, he's staying the course for as long as it takes. He's in it for the long haul. Not Iraq -- his 5-week vacation." --Jay Leno

"According to President Bush's most recent health results, he's the most fit president in history. He's in the 99 percentile for men 55 to 59 years old. Bush said he could make it into the 100% league if his damn job didn't take up most of his morning." --Jay Leno

"President Bush signed a free trade pact with Central America. I don't think Bush really understands a lot of these things. Like today he said he owes a lot to Central America because those red states won him the election." --Jay Leno

"What is wrong with Novak? ... Does he absorb light?" --Jon Stewart

"A lot of people are every critical of President Bush for taking the entire month of August off for his vacation. But his staff points out, there's nothing at the White House he can't do at the ranch because the ranch is fully equipped. It's got the treadmill, the weight room, the jogging path, the big screen TV, they get Nickelodeon. It's got everything he would do." --Jay Leno

"It turns out President Bush can run again in the next election. Now I know you're only supposed to be allowed two terms, but the Supreme Court said if you count his vacation time, he's barely served one." --Jay Leno

"President Bush said that even though Rafael Palmeiro apparently lied to Congress about taking steroids he's a friend and he is standing by him. After hearing this Karl Rove started wolfing down steroids." --Jay Leno

"President Bush believes Rafael Palmeiro. He said he considers Palmeiro a friend and tests or no tests, he believes him. Maybe Rafael Palmeiro is the one who told him there were weapons of mass destruction." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Yesterday the president jumped on a plane to start a five-week vacation. This will be the longest presidential vacation in 36 years. This means President Bush has now been on vacation for 27% of his presidency. That means the country could be 27% more screwed up than it already is." --Jimmy Kimmel

"President Bush is taking his summer vacation. It's a five-week vacation. This is his fiftieth vacation in the last five years -- that's about the national average isn't it? During his five-week vacation, he will continue to receive national security briefings. He won't be reading them, but he will receive them." --David Letterman

"President Bush is vacationing in Crawford, Texas. He will be vacationing for five weeks. That's a long time. I don't think he has an exit strategy for his vacation either." --David Letterman

"The energy bill passed Congress this week and -- surprise, surprise -- it has huge tax relief for energy companies and oil companies. What a shock. They said it was a historical bill. It was the first time a pork barrel was placed inside an oil barrel." --Jay Leno

"President Bush is the fittest president in history. They said it's because he spends a lot of time exercising. See a lot of our previous presidents wasted that time reading." --Jay Leno

"President Bush says schools should teach kids the theory of intelligent design, which says that the creation of life is way too complex to be understood by science and we should leave those questions for God. Of course, President Bush also felt the same way about Algebra." --Jay Leno

"President Bush is on a three-week vacation down in Crawford, Texas, and it's what they call a working vacation. And staff say it is an important time because it's time for him to kick back. And I'm thinking, when does this guy kick forward?" --David Letterman

"Today at the White House President Bush spoke to the astronauts who were orbiting the Earth on the space shuttle Discovery. Yeah, had a chat. Unfortunately the astronauts couldn't hear the president because he was standing on the White House lawn with a megaphone." --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush is going on his annual vacation. The White House says he goes to his Texas Ranch to unwind. I'm thinking when does he wind?" --David Letterman

"President Bush had his physical a couple days ago and doctors say that President Bush is likely our most fit president in the history of the United States. That means if anything happens to Cheney he can jump in and take over. ... Bush passed his physical -- no word yet on his mental." --David Letterman

"President Bush had his annual physical. The good news is he is in great shape, amazing shape. They said his heart beat at rest is down from 52 beats a minute to 47 beats per minute. Which is pretty impressive when you think that Dick Cheney sometimes doesn't have a heart beat at all." --Jay Leno

"President Bush got his energy bill passed last week. It includes his new logging program -- no tree left behind." --Jay Leno

"The Pope said that churches in countries like the United States are dying out. He said it's like they're going out of business. You know why? People used to need churches to help them understand the word of God. But, see, now that job has been transferred to the federal government." --Jay Leno

"The White House has changed their slogan from the war on terror to the global struggle against violent extremism. Well that just rolls off the tongue. Is that a good idea, giving President Bush more syllables to pronounce?" --Jay Leno

""North Korea is making several demands in exchange for giving up their nuclear program, including a promise from America not to attack them. Which is a little strange because for us to attack them we would have to have slam dunk proof that they have weapons of mass destruction. I mean, for Gods sakes people, we're not maniacs. It would have to be an air-tight case. We wouldn't just come in there and start bombing you." --Jon Stewart

"On this date in 1990 the first President Bush signed into law the Americans with Disabilities Act, which allowed, of course, his son George W. to become president of the United States." --Jay Leno

"Lance Armstrong not only won the Tour de France but he also sold millions of those Livestrong bracelets. Actually, one kind of embarrassing moment, he gave one to President Bush and Bush had some trouble getting it on -- he thought it was a head band." --Jay Leno

"It looks like there may be more people than just Karl Rove involved in this White House leaking scandal that's been going on. They are saying information may also have been leaked by the Vice President Dick Cheney's top aide -- a man named Scooter Libby. Let me tell you something right now. That is not a good name to have if you're going to prison." --Jay Leno

"President Bush has asked for Congress to come up with an energy plan. Do you know what they came up with? They want to extend daylight savings time for four weeks to save energy. That's their plan? Take a break guys -- you're really earning your money." --Jay Leno

"The White House announced today that President Bush is on the last page of the Harry Potter book. Apparently he's reading it backward." --Jay Leno

"Pennsylvania Republican family values congressman Don Sherwood, who is married, has admitted he had an affair for five years with a young women. But he said it is a five-year affair he deeply regrets. That's something -- these guys only regret the affair after they've been caught. They never regret it when the pants are going down -- only when they're coming back up. ... Before he got elected to Congress he was a used car dealer. So he's married, a Congressman, and a used car-salesman. That's like the trifecta of lying." --Jay Leno

"Did you hear the video game industry has changed the ratings of the game Grand Theft Auto to an adult-only rating after pressure from media watch dog groups and politicians because the game had hidden sexual content? Politicians felt the sex would have a negative effect on the children. See that shows you how up tight we are in this country about sex. Apparently a game when you're stealing cars and killing cops is okay -- it's the sex we're worried about." --Jay Leno

"Happy birthday to a great American -- Bob Dole is 85 today. The Army Corp of Engineers conducted a controlled burn on his cake." --David Letterman

"President Bush has nominated John Roberts to be the next Supreme Court justice. So counting this nomination, this is the second person who's gotten a job for life from President Bush. The first, of course, being the guy in charge of the war in Iraq." --Jay Leno

"According to a new report, China's increasingly modern military will eventually threaten the United States. They already have these intercontinental missiles that can reach us. Do you think we have anything to worry about from China? Why would they try to kill their best customer? It would be like Columbia trying to destroy Hollywood." --Jay Leno

"John Roberts could be the newest member of the Supreme Court and I gotta tell you -- I haven't seen this much charisma since the Oreck vacuum guy. He's everywhere. Now he's doing a lot of interviews hoping to get nominated. Earlier today he was jumping up and down on Oprah's couch." --David Letterman

"In Iraq, the U.S. military wants to disperse angry rioters by using a new weapon called a microwave beam. Officials say the beam works perfectly. The hard part is getting the rioters to stand on a slowly revolving plate." --Conan O'Brien

"I guess we're all excited that President Bush announced his nomination to the Supreme Court -- John Roberts. Bush searched far and wide before he made the risky choice of a white guy in his fifties." --David Letterman

"President Bush said the job of the Supreme Court was extremely important because these are the people we choose to pick the next president of the United States." --Jay Leno

"You realize he is only 50 years old. He could serve on the court for the next 40 years. So he could still be there when we pull out of Iraq." --Jay Leno

"Even the Democrats are saying while John Roberts is extremely conservative, he is very bright, he is intellectually curious, and has a great legal mind -- so it must have been a real thrill for him to be interviewed by President Bush." --Jay Leno

"After all the media's speculation about Edith this or Hispanic that, they picked a white guy. And not just any white guy, A REALLY white guy. John Roberts? That's the fake name that every underage kid busted with booze uses." --Daily Show correspondent Ed Helms

"I think Karl Rove is getting a little worried. Like today he said the biggest problem facing Americans -- prison rape." --Jay Leno

"The prime minister of India was at the White House today. One kind of embarrassing moment when President Bush said to the prime minister, 'Could you take a look at my computer? I'm having some problems with it. I can't seem to get through on the tech line.'" --Jay Leno

This puts President Bush in kind of a jam because a year ago he said whoever leaked the name of the CIA operative would be fired. It's a case of Bush spoke too soon; like when he said 'Mission Accomplished.'" --Jay Leno

"Karl Rove is really not worried about this because he knows Bush is extremely loyal to his staff. He never likes to fire his staff -- not out of loyalty; he hates having to learn new names." --Jay Leno

"Support for Osama bin Laden is down in Muslim countries. ... In fact, bin Laden's approval rating is so low, today he hired Karl Rove to try to get the numbers back up." --Jay Leno

"William Rehnquist denied reports he's retiring. ... He said that was a nasty rumor started by his mortician." --Jay Leno

"President Bush's still searching for a Supreme Court justice. ... Bush said he's thinking of appointing someone who's not a judge. He has it narrowed down to a cowboy or a fireman." --Jay Leno

"President Bush went to Indiana to try and reach out to the state's black voters. Apparently Indiana's black voters are divided -- one likes Bush; the other doesn't." --Conan O'Brien

" Tuesday the Senate also voted to continue distributing a significant portion of security dollars equally among the states, rather then by likelihood of attack. Bad news for -- I don't know -- here. But good news for smaller states like Wyoming, which only has one high risk target -- the popular tourist attraction: the world's largest pile of homeland security money." --Jon Stewart

"In a speech this week, Hillary Clinton compared President Bush to Mad Magazine's Alfred E. Neuman. ... After hearing this the president said, 'Finally a literary reference I can understand.'" --Conan O'Brien

"The big rumor is that Chief Justice Rehnquist is going to resign from the Supreme Court this week. See, I won't believe it till it's leaked to the New York Times by Karl Rove -- then I'll believe it's true." --Jay Leno

The president's top political adviser, Karl Rove, is spending all his time working on Bush's next Supreme Court nominee. Well sure, that's because this judge could decide if Rove is going to prison or not." --Jay Leno

"The White House has also said that President Bush has begun his formal process of selecting his first nominee for the Supreme Court by reviewing key rulings. Now we all like President Bush, but do you think he spends a lot of his free time reading a bunch of legal rulings? How many think President Bush's selection process falls in the category of Eeny, Meeny, Miny, Moe." --Jay Leno

"Everybody wondering who the Supreme Court justice is going to be? Well the White House says he may take four weeks to make his decision. Which makes sense because it took him three weeks to pick his favorite Teletubby. It was the blue one, I was going for the yellow one." --Conan O'Brien

"The White House announced that next month Dick Cheney will get a colonoscopy. In fact the last time he had one, they found one polyp and three oil company executives up there." --Jay Leno

"The Supreme Court ruled 5-4 to let the government seize a person's house and give it to a private developer if they think a city or town could make more money by giving your property to someone else. They can take your property. This falls under the rule 'One man's home is another man's Wal-Mart.' " --Jay Leno

"President Bush visited Denmark, where he was greeted by the king and the queen. He thanked the Danes for their help in Iraq, and he also told them, ‘Hey, I love your great, big dogs, too. They're terrific.'" --Jay Leno

"President Bush had a minor bike accident today. The White House physician said he should be fine and back on his Big Wheel in no time. It's apparently hard to tip one of those too. It got caught in the colored streamers." --Conan O'Brien

"See, personally, I blame the police officer. I mean, he should have heard President Bush coming with all those baseball cards in the spokes." --Jay Leno

"What does a bicycle have to do with the war in Iraq? President Bush doesn't know how to stop either one of them." --Jay Leno

"You know whose birthday it is today? President Bush is 59 years old today. ... If you haven't gotten him a gift yet you know you can't go wrong with an exit strategy for Iraq." --Jay Leno

"Today in Scotland, President Bush was riding his bike when he collided with a police officer and fell off. ... He could have avoided the collision but, you know, he refuses to go left." --Jay Leno

"What does a bicycle have to do with the war in Iraq? President Bush doesn't know how to stop either one of them." --Jay Leno

"You know whose birthday it is today? President Bush is 59 years old today. ... If you haven't gotten him a gift yet you know you can't go wrong with an exit strategy for Iraq." --Jay Leno

" Sandra Day O'Connor didn't want to step down but she wants to make sure she is home so no one can seize her house." --Jay Leno,

"Governor Schwarzenegger spoke about the dangers of global warming. Schwarzenegger's exact words were: fire, hot, bad." --Conan O'Brien

"Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld said the Iranian election was invalid and the winner was no friend to democracy. To which Al Gore said, 'Hey, tell me about it.'" --Jay Leno

"Did you folks see President Bush's speech last night, the special address? ... He said many, many, improvements have been made in Iraq. For example, the roads have been improved, the schools have been improved, medical care has improved. Now if only that could happen here." --David Letterman

"How many of you earlier tonight saw President Bush's address on TV? Did you see it? I was surprised. Apparently the war in Iraq is going quite well. Bush highlighted his successes. The Iraqi election is a highlight, improving homeland security -- that is a big improvement -- capturing Russell Crowe. But the president did admit there are problems. The war is dragging on, of course, the economy is down, gas prices are going up, and then he left on his two-month vacation." --David Letterman

"Support for the Iraq war is at an all-time low, and some Republicans blame the media and its '24/7 news coverage of car bombs,' which 'tends to leave a certain impression.' You know, that's so true. You never hear about the cars that DON'T blow up." --Jon Stewart

"The guards who watch Saddam Hussein say he sits around all day eating Doritos. And, of course, in this country we call that college. " --David Letterman
"The Supreme Court ruled that the government has the right to seize your land. And today Native Americans said, what else is new?" --Jay Leno

"The House of Representatives has voted to approve a constitutional amendment to ban flag burning. Which was surprising because in the past Congress always rejected flag burning amendments because Congress believed that any form of speech, no matter how vile or insulting, should be permitted. See, they believed that because that's how they campaigned and got elected." --Jay Leno

"Even if the flag burning amendment does become law, the larger problem will remain of how to respectfully dispose of older, tattered flags. Well, fortunately the U.S. official Flag Code has a suggestion about this. Quote: 'The flag, when it is in such a condition that it is no longer a fitting emblem of display, should be destroyed in a dignified way, preferably by burning.' Owwwwcchh. In response, the House Republicans are calling for tattered flags to be kept alive via a feeding tube." --Jon Stewart

"The Army announced this week they are now training mine-sniffing dogs to go to Iraq. How bad do you have to screw up at obedience school to get that job?" --Jay Leno

"One of the biggest problems in Iraq right now is agreeing on a constitution. They should just do what Washington does -- have a constitution, you just don't use it" --Jay Leno

"Experts announced that within the next ten years there is a 70% chance there will be a terrorist attack using weapons of mass destruction...Look, in ten years, the ozone will be gone, the average temperature will be over 200 degrees, robots and clones will rule the streets, and Tom Cruise will be engaged to Dakota Fanning." --Jimmy Kimmel

"President Bush is talking up his economic plan these days. In a speech today, President Bush said his economic plan would help Americans from all walks of life. ... Bush said my plan will help if you're a billionaire or just a millionaire." --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush announced he has decided to visit Vietnam. The president said 'It must be a pretty nice place. I hear John McCain spent five years there.'" --Conan O'Brien

"The prime minister of Vietnam met with President Bush at the White House. As you know, Vietnam is a communist country so there is no democracy, there is no freedom, but don't worry, there is no oil either so we won't be going back." --Jay Leno

"President Bush said he will visit Vietnam next year. ... He told the prime minister that he is anxious to stay at that Hanoi Hilton that John McCain is always talking about." --Jay Leno

"President Bush welcomed Vietnam's prime minister to the White House today. He promised the prime minister he would travel to Vietnam next year -- that is, unless his dad can get him out of it." --Jay Leno

"According to an interview in GQ magazine, Saddam Hussein says he wishes to be friends with George Bush. Isn't that ironic? The one foreign leader who reaches out to President Bush and it's Saddam Hussein. The one ally we have." --Jay Leno

"The price of oil is so high President Bush called that Saudi prince -- you know, the one who he was holding hands with -- and said how about dinner and a movie?" --Jay Leno

"You know I like President Bush. I just don't think he gets it. Like today, when they asked him what effect prices would have on the average car owner he said, well not much because most Americans buy their oil in little cans, not barrels." --Jay Leno

"Tomorrow at the White House, President Bush will meet with the first prime minister from Vietnam to visit the U.S. in thirty years. You know why he's coming here? It's a lot easier to come here then to get Bush to go to Vietnam." --Jay Leno

"White House spokesperson Scott McClellan said it would be wrong to create an artificial time table for getting out of Iraq. You think that's true? We went in for artificial reasons, using artificial intelligence -- why not have an artificial time table to get out?" --Jay Leno

"It was 122 degrees today in India. It was so hot people in India were sweating like Americans waiting to see if their jobs were being outsourced to India." --Jay Leno

"President Bush criticized the election process in Iran. He said there are groups there who try and suppress the vote, power there is in the hands of the very few, and the whole thing is dominated by religion. Hey, that is our system." --Jay Leno

"Today is the 33rd anniversary of the Watergate break-in. That was a time when the president of the United States couldn't be trusted to tell the American people the truth -- thirty years ago, but it feels like yesterday." --Jay Leno

"President Clinton is close friends with the first President Bush and also close friends with the next President Clinton -- see how that works." --David Letterman

"The Bush administration is now resisting calls to shut down the prison at Guantanamo bay. They said while it's true many prisoners have not been charged with a specific crime, they are sure that each one has done something bad that deserves punishment. Well, you can say the same thing about half the people who work at the White House." --Jay Leno

"Last night in his speech, President Bush called for a complete overhaul of the tax code. He said he was shocked to find out that some millionaires in this country were still paying taxes." --Jay Leno

"The Trade Bank of Iraq issued the first ever credit card and now, thanks to us, the Iraqi people are free to borrow money at 30% interest. It's good to see our lifestyle over there." --Jay Leno

"I was wondering... How does this make Martha Stewart feel? O.J. goes free. Robert Blake walks. Michael Jackson is found not guilty. She made a phone call. 'Hello, is this my broker?' Prison!" --Jay Leno

"The Trade Bank of Iraq has issued the country's first ever credit card today. Catchy slogan – 'The Bank of Iraq Card. It's everywhere you don't want to be.'" --Jay Leno

"Yesterday Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger was supposed to give a speech to California voters but it was bumped so Michael Jackson's verdict could be televised. ... Arnold was really upset and said if I can't speak to the voters how are they supposed to not understand me?" --Conan O'Brien

"According to Time magazine, Christina Aguilera's music is being used down in Guantanamo Bay to torture prisoners. You know, I can't help thinking if it were only John Tesh the war on terror could have been over so much quicker." --Jay Leno

"Some politicians want to close Guantanamo. They want to get rid of our interrogators. ... Why can't we do with this what we do with other jobs in this country -- outsource them to India. If you want to torture people, put them on a computer tech support line in New Delhi for a half an hour." --Jay Leno

"Saudi Arabia today announced that contrary to a recent book published about dwindling supplies, they say they have more than enough oil for years to come. In fact, the Saudi government said today, according to their latest estimates, they have enough oil to screw us for the next 200 years." --Jay Leno

"President Bush is in a little trouble this week. President Bush's approval rating has dropped to its lowest point since he took office. In fact Bush's ratings are so low he's been offered a show on NBC." --Conan O'Brien

"Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld -- he's in the news twice this week because twice he's made statements that conflicted with statements made by President Bush. They're disagreeing a lot. As a result, Rumsfeld had to back down and admit that SpongeBob is way cooler than Pokemon." --Conan O'Brien

"British Prime Minister Tony Blair has asked President Bush to join him in asking other countries to forgiving Africa's debt. President Bush said he would like to help but he's still trying to convince Americans to forgive him for our debt." --Jay Leno

"President Bush meet with the president of South Korea. Things got off to an awkward start when President Bush asked 'Are you from the good Korea or the bad Korea?'" --Conan O'Brien

"The Supreme Court has ruled against medical marijuana, but they said nothing about recreational marijuana, so go crazy." --Jay Leno

"In Camden, N.J., an 80-year-old has been working as a prostitute or, as people are calling it, the Bush Social Security plan." --Jay Leno

"At a press conference President Bush said he's learned a lot about what it's like to live in Africa from U2's Bono. He also said he's learned a lot about what it's like to live underwater from SpongeBob." --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush held a press conference at the White House with British Prime Minister Tony Blair. President Bush likes holding press conferences with Prime Minister Blair because he doesn't have to use any interpretors. Of course, Blair still needs one to understand President Bush." --Jay Leno

"One of the topics they talked about was debt relief for Africa. Bush unveiled his plan, he wants to give everyone in Africa a tax cut." --Jay Leno

"Today President Bush sent a congratulatory message to the new president of Azerbaijan. Bush also wished the president of Azerbaijan good luck in his fight against Harry Potter." --Conan O'Brien

"Actually Mr. President, 'dissemble' means to not tell the truth, 'disassemble' is what we did to Iraq" --Jon Stewart, on the latest Bushism

"Felt revealed himself in an article cryptically titled 'I'm the guy they called Deep Throat,' in the latest issue of Vanity Fair. No doubt Felt, realizing his identity would still be partially concealed behind Vanity Fair's 87 pages of Donna Karan adds." --Jon Stewart

"Pat Buchanan, Bob Novak and G. Gordon Liddy don't like Mark Felt. Mark Felt is truly a great man." --Jon Stewart.

"President Bush delivered the commencement address at the Naval Academy. This appearance at the Naval Academy was historic for President Bush. For the first time he was on a military base and people could actually remember him being there. --Jay Leno

Earlier today President Bush was scheduled to give the commencement speech at the U.S. Naval Academy. Unfortunately there was a mix up and he ended up giving a 20-minute speech at an Old Navy." --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush paid a visit to a hydrogen fueling station. He said that hydrogen will provide the power for our automobiles in the future. You know I'm not sure president Bush really understands hydrogen. Like he kept trying to take a hit off the pump to see if it would make him talk funny." --Jay Leno

"President Bush met with Palestinian president Abbas. There was one embarrassing moment when he said to Abbas. 'I love your hit, Dancing Queen.'" --Jay Leno

"Dick Cheney was the commencement speaker at Auburn University over the weekend. He told the graduates he actually dropped out of Yale. He dropped out of Yale! You know what that means? Bush could be the smart one!" --Jay Leno

"The word is Dick Cheney is thinking of running for 2008. His catchy slogan: The Pulse Stops Here." --Jay Leno

"The U.S. Army has a new program that will allow soldiers to leave the service a couple years before their full four year contract is up. They can leave early. This is based on a plan developed by President Bush when he was in the National Guard." --Jay Leno

"The Senate finally reached a compromise to allow President Bush's candidates to be voted on without a filibuster. In a related story President Bush still thinks a filibuster is a chocolate-covered peanut bar." --Conan O'Brien

"Condoleezza Rice made a surprise trip to Iraq on Sunday. Also surprised to be in Iraq on Sunday: thousands of U.S. troops who were supposed to be home by Christmas." --Amy Poehler

"The big rumor in Washington, Dick Cheney may run for president. Let's hope that's just a Newsweek story. Cheney says he wants to run because there is still a lot of unfinished business. Like, did you know there are still a lot of countries that don't hate us?" --Jay Leno

"To show that his energy bill is about more than drilling for oil in Alaska. This week President Bush visited a plant in Virginia that turned soy beans into a clean burning diesel fuel. Which the president hopes one day will be used to fuel oil drilling machines in Alaska " --Tina Fey

"They want President Bush's approval for 'Star Wars' type weapons. In fact, after they made the announcement, Dick Cheney whispered in President Bush's ear 'I am your father.'" --Jay Leno

"The hand grenade thrown at President Bush turned out to be real. The Secret Service said today they're examining whether security changes need to be made. Duh! ... Somebody walks up and throws a hand grenade at the president and I can't get on a plane because I have a nose clipper -- hello? There's something wrong." --Jay Leno

"President Bush says he is still angry at Newsweek magazine. Newsweek is angry as well, and wants to know who read the story to President Bush." --Conan O'Brien

"Voters in Los Angeles elected a new mayor -- Antonio Villaraigosa. Voters admitted they only voted for Villaraigosa because they want to hear Arnold Schwarzenegger pronounce it." --Conan O'Brien

"The Pentagon is shutting down 180 military bases around the country. ... The administration said the closing of the bases will allow us to fund another unnecessary war." --Jay Leno

"There's a rumor Dick Cheney may run for president in 2008. If he wins, that would make him the first three-term president since Franklin Roosevelt." --Jay Leno

"Newsweek had to retract a report about the Koran. The article caused violent anti-U.S. rioting in Muslim countries. And that's too bad because up until now they really loved us." --Conan O'Brien

"When President Bush heard about it, he was outraged. He said 'I don't like books either but that's no reason to flush them down the toilet.'" --Jay Leno

"The White House is still very upset about this. They said Newsweek should have retracted the story as soon they found out they got its facts wrong. If we pulled back every time we got our facts wrong, we wouldn't even be in Iraq." --Jay Leno

U.S. military strategists say we are closer than ever to finding Osama bin Laden. Osama bin Laden? We can't even find David Chappelle." --Jay Leno

"The buzz in Washington is Vice President Cheney is considering running in 2008. Not for president -- just for exercise." --Jay Leno

"At the Cannes film festival, there were comparisons made between Bush and Darth Vader. I don't see that. Maybe Cheney." --Jay Leno

"The White House said today the Newsweek report has damaged the U.S. image overseas. And, believe me, when it comes to damaging the U.S. image overseas, the White House knows what it's talking about." --Jay Leno

"President Bush came out today for alternative fuels. He said he looks forward to the day when American invades a country for its soybeans." --Jay Leno

"According to a USA Today poll, 90% of people say prayer works very well for them in curing pain. Which is also the Republican health care plan. Keep praying!" --Jay Leno

"The big non-story this week was the plane that came near the White House and did nothing. But when President Bush heard there was a plane nearing an important building, he was immediately rushed to a middle school so he could sit there like a lump." --Bill Maher

"The president was on a bike ride. He wouldn't have even suspected anything was going on except on the way home they didn't stop for ice-cream." --Bill Maher

"The Pentagon announced they are closing more than 150 military bases around the country. If the Bush administration wants to close military bases, how about we start with the ones in Iraq? ...You know when President Bush first thought about closing bases? When he was in the National Guard." --Jay Leno

"A cable access show has a character called 'Dick Smart' and it was a talking penis, trying to tell kids about contraception. A court of appeals has laid down the law that you cannot have a talking penis on the TV. Fox News has reacted immediately and fired Sean Hannity." --Bill Maher

"President Bush was spotted carrying around a book and he told reporters he started reading the book four months ago. Apparently he still hasn't found Waldo." --Conan O'Brien

"More facts coming out today about the evacuation of the Washington. White House reporters said they were moved to a more secure location in the basement. Except for CBS reporters, Bush had them moved to the White House roof." --Jay Leno

"At the time of the alert, Dick Cheney was in the White House working while President Bush was getting some exercise in a park in Maryland. Shouldn't it be the other way around?" --Jay Leno

"This is absolutely true. During the scare Vice President Cheney was inside working while President Bush was outside riding his bicycle. So it was a typical day at the White House. Remember the last time this kind of thing happened, he was reading a children's book. This time he was riding a bicycle. How old his he -- 12? ... You laugh but as soon as they gave the all-clear he went into the kitchen to make himself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich." --Jay Leno

"Big scare down in Washington earlier today. Turned out it was a false alarm. What it was was a lobbyist airlifting money to Tom DeLay." --David Letterman

"President Bush was in Russia all this week. Today he was in the Republic of Georgia and he told the Georgian people he feels very close to them because once, during the Vietnam War, he served in Alabama." --Jay Leno

"Today is National Small Business Day. It's the day we honor a lot of small businesses that used to be big businesses." --Jay Leno

"President Bush and Russian President Putin discussed a plan to create a permanent cease fire in the Middle East. And if it works there they are going to try it on the Hollywood Freeway." --Jay Leno

“In his biggest decision ever on the environment, President Bush has moved to open up 1/3 of all remote national forest lands to road building, logging, and other commercial adventures. This is part of the No Tree Left Behind program. In fact, if you'd like to see any one of our giant Redwoods they'll be at Home Depot next weekend" --Jay Leno

"Tony Blair was re-elected for the third time. This is great news for the White House because without Tony Blair, who is there to translate the Bush foreign policy into English?" --Bill Maher

"This week British Prime Minister Tony Blair was re-elected to a record-setting third term as George Bush's bitch." --Amy Poehler

"California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger's popularity has been slipping in recent months as residents slowly begin to realize they elected Arnold Schwarzenegger to be their governor." --Tina Fey

"Congress is now considering legislation that would require people to present four different forms of identification when they apply for a driver's license. Well, that should speed up that line at the DMV." --Jay Leno

"In honor of Cinco de Mayo down in Washington, Tom DeLay is accepting all bribes in pesos." --David Letterman

"The new president of Iraq said that U.S. troops will probably be