Woodbury County Democrats

"According to a new poll, President Bush's approval rating, on the rise. Well, a lot of those polls are phone polls. People are worried Bush is listening: What? I think he's doing a hell of a job! Yeah." --Jay Leno

"All kinds of gigantic sales going on after Christmas. Today in Washington, lobbyist Jack Abramoff was selling Tom DeLay at 50% off." --Jay Leno

"It's the start of a new year and President Bush wants to hit the ground bungling." --David Letterman

"A kid from Florida, he was like 16 years old, and he runs away from home and he goes to Iraq. His family was from Iraq, and he wanted to go back and see what it was like. He spent like three weeks over there and then he came home. At least he had an exit strategy." --David Letterman

"While President Bush was spending the holidays at his Texas ranch, he was clearing brush and a branch cut his face. As a result the tree was cut down and tortured by Dick Cheney." --Conan O'Brien

"Republican lobbyist Jack Abramoff has agreed to cooperate with federal prosecutors. He could name up to 20 congressmen. When President Bush heard this, he said 'That's amazing. I can only name three congressmen.'" --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush says he is 100% sure he was right to wiretap. And you know Bush, when he says he's 100% sure, he's always right." --David Letterman

I was coming to work this morning, and they're playing Christmas music on the radio. They were playing that song, "He knows when you've been sleeping, he knows when you're awake, he knows when you've been bad or good ..." So apparently Santa works for the National Security Agency. --Jay Leno

"President Bush is being criticized by right wing groups because this Christmas cards to friends this year did not say 'Merry Christmas". Instead they said, 'Sorry about the indictment.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Today three wise men arrived at the White House. They're lawyers trying to help President Bush avoid impeachment. They brought gold and other things." --Jay Leno

"I'm joking about it but the traffic now is horrible in the city. The city is now like Dick Cheney, every major artery in is blocked." --David Letterman

"Newsweek magazine is reporting that president bush called in the editor and publisher of the New York Times two weeks ago and demanded they stop publishing the article about him illegally eavesdropping and wiretapping people. Here's my question. How did he know they were going to publish it?" --Jay Leno

"Let's see what is going on with George W. Bush. Do you know what the "W" stands for? Wiretap." --Jay Leno

"Dick Cheney has warned members of congress that the Patriot Act is set to expire in just ten days. Not only that, but parts of Dick Cheney are set to expire in ten days." --Conan O'Brien

“I was coming to work this morning, and they're playing Christmas music on the radio, and they were playing that song, "He knows when you've been sleeping, he knows when you're awake, he knows when you've been bad or good ..." So apparently Santa works for the National Security Agency." --Jay Leno

"President Bush is trying to put the best spin he can on this eavesdropping scandal, like he said today: "This proves we have a government that listens to the people." --Jay Leno

"Over the weekend, Vice President Dick Cheney made a surprise visit to Iraq, it was yesterday. Cheney was there, and he gave the troops one of his holiday sneers. And if you think about it, when you're at war in some far off corner of the world, what better than a visit from a guy who got five draft deferments? Iraqi officials met with Dick Cheney, or as they call him over there, Lawrence of Arrhythmia." --David Letterman

"In his 318th speech in Iraq on Sunday, the President said that the terrorists view the world as a giant battlefield. As opposed to us, who view the world as a giant oil field." --Jay Leno

"Bulgaria announced they're pulling all their troops from Iraq, both of them. No, they said they'll replace their troops with a non-combat force. That would be the French army." --Jay Leno

"USC Heisman Trophy winner Reggie Bush announced he is available for the NFL draft. Actually, this also marks the first time in history the words 'Bush' and 'available for the draft' have ever appeared together in the same sentence." --Jay Leno

"That's the big story, you know. President Bush and this whole domestic spying thing. Remember the good old days when the only thing you had to worry about on your phone were telemarketers." --Jay Leno

"Some groups are now picketing Wal-Mart because their employees can't say 'Merry Christmas.' It's not store policy or anything, they just don't speak English." --Jay Leno

"Time has named former Presidents Bush and Clinton the partners of the year. These two are now so close they’re thinking about making a cowboy movie." --David Letterman

"President Bush admitted that the United States went to war in Iraq based on bad intelligence. But he says knowing what we know now he would still do it again. So at least we're learning from our mistakes." --Jay Leno

"A congressional press secretary by the name of Thomas Springer was arrested for bank robbery. Guy's a congressional press secretary, police said he robbed at least 7 banks. Said he fell in with the wrong crowd. Yeah, Congress." --Jay Leno

"King Kong is so popular right now that there's talk he may run for governor of California." --David Letterman

"The general election's taking place today in Iraq, so I guess that means we're one step closer to being there for another 10 years." --David Letterman

"Already there have been reports of 1000 fake ballots in the Iraqi election. So it looks like another victory for Republicans." --David Letterman

"It will take up to two weeks to figure out who won this week's Iraqi elections. So far it looks like the dark-haired guy with the moustache." --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush admitted that much of the intelligence that we went to war on was faulty. Well you can't blame the president for relying on faulty intelligence. It got him through college." --Jay Leno

"President Bush spoke today about the elections in Iraq. Bush admitted the elections won't be perfect. Well, luckily for him, they're not perfect over here, too. That's how he got elected." --Jay Leno

"You know President Bush and his father have nicknames for each other? President Bush calls his father 41, because he was the 41st president, and his father calls him 43, because that's his approval rating." --Jay Leno

"It was so cold in Washington, Tom DeLay was wearing an extra layer of bribe money." --Jay Leno

"During an interview yesterday, President Bush said 'You can call me anything you want, but don't call me a racist.' Brian Williams responded: 'Whatever you want, Dumbass.'" --Conan O'Brien

"In a recent interview, President Bush said, this is a quote, 'I know a lot of people who are glad that we're in Iraq.' When asked who, the president said the leaders of North Korea and Iran." --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush's approval ratings on the way up. They've gone up 5 points this week. You know what you call that? A Christmas miracle. He's now up to 42% favorable. President Bush said his goal was to get it up to 49% -- like it was on Election Day." --Jay Leno

"The price of heating has gone up so much that people are now asking Santa for coal in their stockings." --Jay Leno

"Heating bills this winter are the highest they've been in five years, but President Bush has a plan to combat rising bills. It's called global warming." --Jay Leno

"The Energy Department's Argon National Lab has determined that Beethoven died from lead poisoning. Now when did he die, 1827? And you thought you had to wait a long time for your lab results. Apparently, Beethoven was one of the first members of an HMO plan." --Jay Leno

"While speaking in North Carolina this week, President Bush said, the economy is strong, and the best is yet to come. Adding: Also, the war's going great, we don't torture people, I'm 11 feet tall, and if you don't believe me, you can ask my unicorn." --Tina Fey

"It's predicted that USC running back Reggie Bush will be the overwhelming vote-getter for the Heisman Trophy award. That's tomorrow, isn't it? It's also the first time the words 'Bush' and 'overwhelming vote-getter' appeared in the same sentence." --Jay Leno

"A rumor is circulating that Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld will retire next year. Today, Rumsfeld denied it, saying if you've seen my work in Iraq, you know I don't plan that far ahead." --Conan O'Brien

"For those of you who aren't Jewish, Hannukah is the celebration of when a tiny amount of oil lasted for eight days. Boy, sound's like a Republican's worst nightmare, doesn't it? A fuel-efficient device that doesn't use a lot of oil?" --Jay Leno

"First Lady Laura Bush read 'The Grinch Who Stole Christmas' to a group of children. Unfortunately, the first lady was interrupted when Dick Cheney yelled 'Go Grinch.'" --Conan O'Brien

"There was so much snow in Washington, D.C. that Dick Cheney had to take the chains off a detainee and put them on his car." --Jay Leno

[On anti-torture legislation negotiations]: "It works like any negotiation. ... Both sides go in overreaching with their best-case scenario going forward, knowing they're probably not going to get exactly what they want. McCain has opened with no torture, any time, any place. The administration has countered with, we want to do whatever we want, whenever we want, to whomever we want, and we don't want anybody knowing about it. So they're not really that far apart. There's some wiggle room there. And if you know anything about torture, you do not want to spend any time in the wiggle room." --"Daily Show" Senior Human Rights Correspondent Jason Jones

"President Bush is being criticized by Christian groups because his holiday cards don't have the word 'Christmas' in them. In response, President Bush said, 'You try spelling it.'" --Conan O'Brien

"According to CNN, Donald Rumsfeld said the war in Iraq did not go according to plan. And President Bush said, 'What? We had a plan?'" --Jay Leno

"In a speech yesterday, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld criticized the media for casting the war in Iraq in a negative light. Yeah, he said they should focus on the light-hearted and fun aspects of the war." --Conan O'Brien

"A lot of Bush supporters are very upset about the TV show the 'West Wing.' They say there are too many Democrats on the 'West Wing.' That'll even out when 'Prison Break' comes back, there'll be a lot more Republicans then." --Jay Leno

"In Texas, President Bush has been called for jury duty. He says he is going to serve. We want him to get out of Iraq. He can't even get out of jury duty." --Jay Leno

"You know whose birthday it is today? General George Custer. And like President Bush, he had no exit strategy either." --Jay Leno

"A new study suggests that middle-aged adults who go on periodic drinking binges may face a heightened risk of dementia later on in life. The study is entitled, 'National Strategy for Victory in Iraq.'" --Tina Fey

"President Bush and the first lady sent Christmas cards to the leaders of 200 countries. Yeah, it would have been 201, but someone told the president that Legoland is not a real country." --Conan O'Brien

"Bulgaria and Ukraine announced they're considering pulling their forces out of Iraq. Yeah, the troops will be withdrawn as soon as they can find a car that seats 6 people." --Conan O'Brien

"Down in Washington they lit the Christmas tree. President Bush pulled the switch and the tree lit up. Since that was successful they're thinking about trying the same thing with Dick Cheney." --David Letterman

"President Bush lit the National Christmas Tree. The tree has over 25,000 lights. One for every indicted member of the administration." --Jay Leno

"President Bush getting tough. In his speech at the naval academy he said we will not leave Iraq until we have achieved our goal. He calls this plan 'leave no oil barrel behind.'" --Jay Leno

"Bush said he was not afraid to go it alone. Boy, I tell you, if any more Republicans get indicted, he may have to." --Jay Leno

"Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice has defended the White House position on detainees by saying, 'with terrorists, you can lock someone up even before they commit a crime.' How about trying this with Congressmen? Why don't we try this some time?" --Jay Leno

"A new poll reveals that 56% of Americans believe that Wal-Mart is bad for the country, while the other 44% work there." --Amy Poehler

"President Bush was called for jury duty in Texas. Whew, finally some good news for Tom DeLay." --Jay Leno

"It seems the Pentagon has been paying Iraqi journalists to promote a pro-White House view in Iraqi newspapers. See, luckily, we don't have that kind of thing here. We have Fox News." --Jay Leno

"Earlier today, President Bush sent out 1.4 million Christmas cards to friends and supporters. Yeah, in a related story, Vice President Dick Cheney sent out three. And they all say 'I'm gonna get you'" --Conan O'Brien

"California Congressman Duke Cunningham resigned from office after admitting he broke the law by taking $2.4 million dollars in bribes. It's kind of ironic. The only time you can be really be sure that a politician is telling the truth is when he's admitting that he's a crook." --Jay Leno

"Imagine being too unethical for Congress. That's like a rat hair getting kicked out of a hot dog." --Jay Leno

"Little reminder for all you lobbyists, oil executives and defense contractors out there, only 26 more shopping days to buy a congressman." --Jay Leno

"In his speech President Bush said we need to rebuild Iraq, provide the people with jobs, and give them hope. If it works there maybe we'll try it in New Orleans." --Jay Leno

"President Bush was at the Mexican border yesterday. Apparently his poll numbers are so low that he was trying to make a run for it." --Jay Leno

"California Congressman Randy Duke Cunningham resigned yesterday after he admitted to taking $2.4 million in bribes. Of course his resignation was a big shock. Especially to the companies who bribed him. 'What? We spent all that money and he quit. What are you nuts?'" --Jay Leno

"Only in America. Even though he stole 2.4 million he has agreed to pay back 1.8 million to make it right. So let that be a lesson to all you other congressmen out there. If you get caught stealing you may have to pay back a small fraction of what you took ... Don't you love how our system works? So if you're poor and you steal a loaf of bread it's a $200 fine, if you're a congressman who steals $2.4 million you get to keep a 25% bonus." --Jay Leno

"What does Duke Cunningham say to Tom DeLay? 'You want the upper bunk or the lower bunk'" --Jay Leno

"Former head of FEMA Michael Brown has opened up his own private disaster agency. That's like Robert Blake opening up a marriage counseling facility." --David Letterman

"President Bush spent the Thanksgiving weekend at his ranch in Crawford, Texas. A lot of anti-war protesters showed up. On the news they said that 12 pro-Bush supporters were also there. Twelve? Really? That's it? That's pretty bad isn't it? Even Scott Peterson had more people than that waiting for him." --Jay Leno

"In Baghdad, the trial of Saddam Hussein began again today, after a five-week delay which saw two of the former dictator's lawyers executed and a third flee the country. In addition, the trial was adjourned after it was discovered that a key witness against Saddam had been found dead. Although, on the bright side, that witness died of cancer. Which I believe in Iraq is a very hopeful sign. To see someone there live long enough to die of a disease, I think they're turning things around." --Jon Stewart

"Yesterday President Bush officially pardoned the White House turkey. Then after he pardoned the turkey he appointed it the new head of FEMA." --Jay Leno

"According to a new report out of England, President Bush made plans to bomb the al-Jazeera TV network, but was met with disagreement. By Dick Cheney, who wanted to bomb CNN instead." --Jay Leno

"Earlier today President Bush pardoned the White House turkey. Here's an interesting fact. Do you know how they pick the turkey to give the presidential pardon to? They see which one gave the most money to Tom DeLay." --Jay Leno

"Thanksgiving is almost here. Today President Bush pardoned the White House turkey. Dick Cheney however wanted to torture it." --Conan O'Brien

"As you know President Bush has returned from his Asian tour. Remember the old days when Nixon opened the door to China? Now we can't even open a door in China." --Jay Leno

"In an interview in GQ, rap artist 50 Cent says he is a big fan of President Bush...this increases President Bush's approval rating among African Americans to one." --Jay Leno

"President Bush had an embarrassing moment after holding a press conference in China, did you see this on the news? He tried to leave the room, but the doors were locked. Once again, no exit strategy." --Jay Leno

"Of course people will be eating turkey on Thanksgiving. A lot of people like to bake it, some broil it, a lot of people pan fry their turkey, some roast it. Dick Cheney plans to have the CIA torture his." --David Letterman

"President Bush is following Arnold Schwarzenegger into China. When Bush landed on Saturday, Arnold had just left. Boy, the Chinese thought they had trouble understanding Arnold. They go from Arnold Schwarzenegger to President Bush. Who are we sending them next? Bob Dylan, Ozzie Osbourne?" --Jay Leno

"According to the latest poll, a majority of Americans think President Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney are not telling the truth. How ironic is that? You ever think you'd see the day where you missed the honesty of Bill Clinton." --Jay Leno

"Earlier today, President Bush pardoned the White House turkey. It was just a practice run for Scooter Libby." --David Letterman

"The federal government began investigating allegations of fraud against the Coalition Provisional Authority, a U.S. contractor accused in a bid-rigging operation involving millions of dollars. Asked to comment, a spokesperson for Halliburton said, 'Millions? With an M? That is adorable.'" --Amy Poehler

"President Bush is planning on spending Thanksgiving out at his ranch in Crawford. And you know how he always pardons the White House turkey? Bad news for the turkey: There are three cabinet members ahead of him." -- Jay Leno

"George Bush's brother Jeb, who is the governor of Florida, says he wants to be president. And you can't blame him. Right now the Bush name is magic." --David Letterman

"For the first time ever, Republicans in Congress -- Republicans! -- are demanding to know the president's exit strategy from Iraq. Yeah, in response the president said I have an exit strategy, I'm leaving office in 2008." --Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday, a group of scientists warned that because of global warming, sea levels will rise so much that parts of New Jersey will be under water. The bad news? Parts of New Jersey won't be under water." --Conan O'Brien

"According to the Pentagon, Iraq detained 83,000 terror suspects, enough to fill a football stadium. You know what you call a football stadium filled with terrorists in this country? Oakland Raiders' games." --Jay Leno

"Florida Gov. Jeb Bush says he wants to be president. Well that's good, somebody will have to pardon his brother." --David Letterman

"Rumor is that President Bush's brother, Florida Gov. Jeb Bush, may run for president. Rumor is? According to Florida voting machines, he's already won." --Jay Leno

"President Bush is on an 8-day tour of Asia. He's visiting American jobs. He's spending 8 days in the Orient, and as we all know, he's spent the last four years in disorient." --David Letterman

"Congress today asked the president to give them updates on Iraq, and I can only say, that isn't happening? Maybe, uh, you guys suck worse than I thought." --Jon Stewart

"It's hot out there. I was sweating like a Japanese translator trying to figure out what Bush was saying." --Jay Leno

"Jeb Bush now says he would like to be president, and I think I speak for all Americans when I say, 'When can you start, Jeb?'" --David Letterman

"As Schwarzenegger found out, the trouble with getting voted in as a joke, sooner or later, the joke gets old." --"Daily Show" commentator Lewis Black

"President Bush has embarked on an eight-day tour of the continent. He hopes this one goes better than the other ones he's made recently. Obviously he's not doing that well in North America [36% Approval], his South American trip had a few bumps [Angry mobs], Europe seems to think the president doesn't care what they think, but hey, who cares what they think? They could at least thank him for what he's done for their burning effigy industry." --Stephen Colbert

"According to the latest poll, 66% of Americans believe Dick Cheney has been given too much power by President Bush, and the other 34% think President Bush has been given too much power by Dick Cheney." --Jay Leno

"Vice President Dick Cheney is in town. He has been squeezing in as many fundraisers as possible before his indictment." --David Letterman

"Governor Jeb Bush of Florida has announced he might run for president, because how many times have you thought to yourself that all we need is one more Bush in the White House? Actually, experts say he's a shoe-in because he owns all of the crooked voting machines." --David Letterman

"President Bush, is on his Asian tour now. He'll visit Japan, China, South Korea, Mongolia. Once again, he's skipping Vietnam." --David Letterman

"While the Democrats are focusing on how we were misled to war, Bush is focusing on how to mislead us out of it. ... If we were wrong about why we went in, we have to be wrong about why we're leaving. Otherwise ... it sends our enemies the message that America lacks the will to remain incorrect." --"Daily Show" correspondent Rob Corddry

"In Michigan, an 18-year-old high school student was elected mayor, ousted a 51-year-old incumbent. An 18-year-old replacing a 51-year-old. In Beverly Hills, that's called a second marriage." --Jay Leno

"California voters rejected all four of Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger's ballot proposals, all of them, every one, including Number One: No hogging the bench press. Number two: Towel off the incline board. Number three: Put the free weights back on the rack after use, and Number Four: Let me squeeze your buttocks and don't tell nobody." --Tina Fey on "Saturday Night Live"

"In an Election Day victory for their party on Tuesday, Democrats won the governors' races in Virginia and New Jersey. Democrats everywhere got together to celebrate before they realized they don't remember how." --Amy Poehler on "Saturday Night Live"

"In a speech earlier today, President Bush said his opponents are rewriting the pages of American history. You know what makes him really mad? They're using big words." --Conan O'Brien

"Every Friday night, CBS has this tremendous hit show, 'Ghost Whisperer.' It's about a woman who is contacted by the dead, and she does things for them. As a matter of fact, earlier tonight, she was contacted by George Bush's second term." --David Letterman

"The price of gas is down for the 5th straight week. President Bush has called an emergency cabinet meeting to find out what the hell went wrong." --Jay Leno

"As of today former FEMA Director Michael Brown is finally off the government payroll. That’s how slow FEMA is – they can’t even fire someone fast." --Jay Leno

"President Bush met with the Dalai Lama. I don't think President Bush really knew who the Dalai Lama was. He kept praising him for his fine work in the 'Karate Kid' movies." --Jay Leno

"Arnold Schwarzenegger's approval rating is down to 30%. After he heard this, Arnold said 'I'm not going to act all upset and hurt because I don't have that kind of range.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Scooter Libby, who got indicted, has set up a legal defense fund to help pay his legal bills. It's pretty good, for a $1,000 donation you get a hand-written thank you note and the name of a CIA agent." --Jay Leno

"When these oil company executives walked into the Capitol building, all these senators and congressmen were scared and nervous. It's always a little nerve-wracking when the real owners of the place show up." --Jay Leno

"The chiefs of the five major oil companies defended their companies' huge profits before a congressional committee. See, this gave oil company executives a chance to put a face to the names they write on the checks." --Jay Leno

"President Bush has asked all the White House employees to take an ethics course. And Dick Cheney's asked them all to take CPR. In fact, it's not even a course, it's a seminar, being held in Vegas, and Halliburton is picking up the tab." --Jay Leno

"Vice President Dick Cheney went duck hunting and there were no ducks. Apparently he got some bad intelligence." --David Letterman

"Well, while all this is going on, all these indictments, President Bush has now ordered everyone in the White House to attend ethics classes. Woo, not a moment too soon on that one. Now, you thought FEMA was late? --Jay Leno

"That President Bush, I'm telling you I wouldn't give his troubles to a monkey on a rock. His approval rating is at an all-time low, 35%. For the first time, it's actually lower than his grades at Yale." --David Letterman

"Today is Election Day, did everyone vote today? It's very important to New Yorkers -- we're one step closer to self-rule." --David Letterman

"President Bush traveling a lot these days. You notice that? Last week, Bush was in Latin America, and later this week he's going to Asia. The trips are all part of Bush's new domestic plan, 'Don't blame me, I wasn't even there.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Iraq is now planning to be a five-star hotel and a theme park for what they're expecting to be a future tourist boom, boom being the operative word there." --Jay Leno

"President Bush was greeted by ten thousand demonstrators screaming 'get out Bush, get out Bush.' And that was here at the airport before he left." --Jay Leno, on Bush's trip to Argentina

"The president's trip to Argentina has ended badly: He's coming back. His visit there in Argentina was greeted as expected. There were thousands of people rioting, flipping over cars, smashing store fronts, signs saying Bush go home, which is nothing compared to what would have happened if he had shown up in Detroit at Rosa Parks' funeral. Yeah, he didn't go to that, because he's about as popular with black people as a chicken that just sneezed." --Bill Maher

"President Bush is in South America. When he landed, he said 'Oh my god, John Edwards was right, there ARE two Americas!'" --Jay Leno

"Vice President Dick Cheney's former assistant, Scooter Libby, pleaded not guilty to the charges against him. Yeah, the weird thing is since his name is Scooter, he's being tried in juvenile court." --Conan O'Brien

"What did Scooter Libby say when he bumped into President Bush at the White House? ...Pardon me." --Jay Leno

"Outside the courthouse, Libby's lawyer said all he wants to do is clear his client's good name. I don't know, Scooter? Is that a good name?" --Jay Leno

"Senator Chuck Grassley has written to the oil companies asking them to donate a portion of their nearly hundred billion dollar oil profits to help low income people buy heat this winter. The oil companies responded by offering millions of dollars to someone to run against Grassley in the next primary." --Jay Leno

"Political experts say that because President Bush has been having so much trouble with domestic issues, his advisors are telling him to focus more on international issues. As a result, today President Bush had breakfast at the International House of Pancakes." - Conan O'Brien

"President Bush outlined the U.S. government's plan to attack a bird flu outbreak. Apparently his plan is to attack the bird flu over there in Iraq before it attacks us here. In fact, do you know what they're calling the plan to attack? Flock and awe." --Jay Leno

"I don't know if President Bush really understands this bird flu. A reporter asked him if he was inoculated, and he said 'Hey, I haven't had a drink in 20 years.'" --Jay Leno

"According to the latest poll, if George W. Bush were to run for president today he would lose to the Democratic candidate. And today George W. Bush said 'Again?'" --Jay Leno

"The White House, for the first time, didn't open the door for trick-or-treaters last night. It's not terrorism, they're just worried that someone will come to the door with a subpoena." --Jay Leno

"Libby was indicted on two counts of obstruction of justice, three counts of perjury, and one count of not being as smart as Karl Rove." --Jon Stewart

"Three kids came to my house dressed as Bush, Cheney and Condoleezza Rice. I gave them some candy and they just kept standing there. I said, 'Okay, you can go,' and they said 'Oh, we can't, we don't have an exit strategy,' so they're still there at the house." --Jay Leno

"President Bush was asked how he came up with a conservative like Alito, and he said he got the idea over the weekend while turning the clocks back." --Jay Leno

"As you know, over the weekend, people at the White House set their clocks back to Watergate. No, setting the clocks back, means the nights are getting longer. Boy, more bad news for Scooter
Libby." --Jay Leno

"Dick Cheney's right-hand man Scooter Libby has been indicted. By the way, his real name is not Scooter. It's I. Lewis Libby, which will come in handy when he has to say "I Lewis Libby swear to tell the truth, the whole truth.'" --Bill Maher

"This is a blow to Cheney. He is Cheney's Cheney. They say he could finish Cheney sentences, and now he's going to at Leavenworth." --Bill Maher

"If convicted Libby could face the following penalties: obstruction of justice: 10 years in prison; making false statements: 5 years; perjury: 4 years; going to jail with the name Scooter: priceless." --Tina Fey

"Last night's game was the longest game in World Series history. It lasted 5 hours and 41 minutes. And as it dragged on and on and on, I began to think it was something George Bush had gotten us into." --David Letterman

"The White House remains steadfast. They said they will absolutely not withdraw Harriet Miers' nomination to the Supreme Court. You know what that means? She'll be out of there in a week." --David Letterman

"Apparently Dick Cheney has been giving pep talks to the White House staff. Boy, when you think pep, you think Dick Cheney, dontcha?" --David Letterman

"Tom Delay had his mug shot taken. Did you see the picture? He has his hair dyed, teeth caped, eyebrows lifted - for a minute they thought they arrested Regis." --David Letterman

The prison-movie dialogue almost writes itself:
"Wha-cha in for, Scooter? Lyin'? Well, at least you're not a covert-agent leaker. You know what we do to leakers around here."
--Ellis Henican

"The big story from Washington today is that President Bush may have lied to investigators about the CIA leak. The theory is that President Bush may have been playing dumb. Well good luck getting anyone to believe that one." --Jay Leno

"Morale is so bad at the White House that Dick Cheney has been giving pep talks. Yeah, you know it's bad when Dick Cheney is the most cheerful guy in the room." --Conan O'Brien

"Insiders say that if Karl Rove resigns, President Bush will not function effectively. Wait a minute, all this time he's been functioning effectively?" --David Letterman

"Bush is so exhausted by all these scandals that he is praying for another disaster like a flood or a hurricane so he can kick back and do nothing." --Bill Maher

"Crime is down all over the country. It is down in Washington, D.C. As a matter of fact, today, Tom DeLay was just laundering clothing." --David Letterman

"President Bush is taking an active role in the Saddam Hussein trial. Today he appointed an unqualified judge." --David Letterman

"Apparently Arnold Schwarzenegger is not happy with President Bush for visiting this close to the special election coming up, did you hear about this? Apparently they had words with each other, but between Bush's english and Arnold's accent, no one could understand what they said." --Jay Leno

"Last week, Hurricane Wilma grew into the strongest storm ever recorded in the Atlantic, with sustained winds at 175 miles per hour. Or, as it's called around FEMA, casual Friday." --Tina Fey

"Yesterday, a Republican senator from New Hampshire, a guy named Judd Gregg, announced that he won $850,000 in the PowerBall lottery. Then he immediately called for more tax cuts for the rich. Actually, you can tell he's a Republican. He said he would take some of the $850,000 he won and buy guns for the homeless." --Jay Leno

"At the trial Saddam insisted he is still president, he is still in charge, despite the fact that his people disapprove of him and his top assistants are all in jail or going to jail. No, I'm sorry, that's President Bush." --Jay Leno

"Saddam Hussein's trial started yesterday, were you folks aware of that? In court he was stubborn and he was defiant. Stubborn and defiant in insisting that he's still the president. You know, sorta like Bush." --David Letterman

"Saddam Hussein went on trial today. See, I didn't even know he worked in the Bush White House." --Jay Leno

"There are rumors circulating that because of the CIA leak investigation, Vice President Dick Cheney would resign and Condoleezza Rice will take his place. Due to the complex nature of the arrangement, it had to be explained to the President using puppets." --Jay Leno

"As you know, President Bush's approval rating at its lowest number ever. It's gotten so bad that even Harriet Miers is refusing to take his phone calls." --Jay Leno

"US News and World Report put out a breaking news flash that rumors are flying Vice President Dick Cheney might resign. Who's going to be president now?" --Jay Leno

"The results from the Iraqi election are coming in and the Sunnis are claiming that the election was rigged. So looks like they got an American-style democracy after all." --David Letterman

"Over the weekend in Iraq, they arrested the Al Qaeda barber. That's right. That's not like a nickname, he was actually the barber. It's an enormous breakthrough, and now we have a lead on Osama bin Laden's aromatherapist." --David Letterman

"Karl Rove testified in front of the grand jury for the fourth time. This is the fourth time in front of the grand jury. In fact this time he had to give his testimony standing up. See the first three times he lied his ass off, so he had to stand up." --Jay Leno

"The first baby has been born in New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina. Yeah, they named it FEMA because it finally showed up after nine months." --Jay Leno

"As if they don't have enough troubles at the White House. They tried to have a live conversation with the troops yesterday. Troops in Iraq on satellite, Bush at the White House, it was supposed to look like an impromptu Q and A. Well it turned out it was so scripted, the troops were rehearsed down to the way they would read their lines. Boy that's the Bush military for you. No gays but plenty of choreographers." --Bill Maher

"The White House adamantly denied the troops had been rehearsed. Scott McClellan said, 'No script, no plan. Just like everything else we do in Iraq.'" --Bill Maher

"Newsweek reports that Bush likes Harriet Miers because she didn't go to an Ivy League school, she worked hard, and she achieved everything on her own without family help. See, opposites attract" --Jay Leno

"President Bush's top adviser Karl Rove testified before the grand jury for the fourth time this week. Maybe Bush should nominate him for Supreme Court. He's been in more courtrooms then Harriet Miers now." --Jay Leno

"The Republicans are having their problems. Karl Rove is testifying as I said for the fourth time next week. Tom Delay was indicted for the second time and Bill Frist is being investigated. For a party that hates trial lawyers they sure do hire a lot of them." --Jay Leno

"The Republicans are in trouble. Bill First, the Senate leader, is under investigation, Karl Rove is about to be indicted, Tom DeLay was indicted twice in one week. You almost feel bad for how screwed this guy is, because usually when someone wants to beat this kind of a rap, the person they bribe is Tom DeLay." --Bill Maher

"I think the President is losing it. The BBC is reporting that Bush told a group of Palestinian ministers that God told him to invade Iraq. You see, that's what happens when you mix the New Testament and Old Milwaukee." --Bill Maher

"It's the religious right that's grumbling about Harriet Miers. Bush is losing his base. There's a new poll out that says white evangelicals, Republican women, southerners and suburban men are losing confidence in Bush. Wow, these are the very people who elected him to stop boys from kissing. He is so desperate to win these people back, he said today that if he had to get another pick on the Supreme Court, he would nominate the tiger that ate half of Siegfried and Roy." --Bill Maher

"A Filipino spy broke into Dick Cheney's office this week, and that takes a lot because Dick Cheney's office is the back of a speeding ambulance." --Bill Maher

"Did you hear about this spy they found working in the White House. A guy in Cheney's security detail was allegedly passing U.S. secrets to foreign governments. And Karl Rove was furious. He said, 'Leaking secrets, that's my job.'" --Jay Leno

"A former Marine was arrested for allegedly stealing intelligence memos from the White House. How about that? The guy would get into the White House and steal intelligence memos, and I thought, well, at least someone's reading those memos." --David Letterman

"No, it's a real mystery, no one knows how he got into the White House, no one knows how he managed to stay in there so long ... oh, no, wait, that's George Bush, I got confused." --David Letterman

"Interesting woman this Harriet Miers. She used to be a Democrat, and then she found God and became a Republican. Which is kind of backwards, because usually in Washington you become a Republican, get indicted, go to jail, then you find God." --Jay Leno

"They shut down Pennsylvania Avenue because of a suspicious package, did you hear about that? Turns out it was just a big bag of laundered money for Tom DeLay." --David Letterman

"A lot of conservative Republicans say they are very upset about President Bush's choice of Harriet Miers. They say she has no experience, she doesn't know anything about constitutional law, and she's never shown any interest in it. Where were these people with the high standards when they nominated Bush to be president?" --Jay Leno

"Bush tried to reassure conservative that Harriet Miers was the best choice for the Supreme Court. He said twenty years from now she'll be the same person she was today. Twenty years ago she was a Democrat, and Catholic." --Jay Leno

"Bush, out defending his Supreme Court nominee today. Bush said Miers has a good heart. Well, yeah, compared to Dick Cheney." --Jay Leno

"Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan is retiring. President Bush has already launched a search for the most inexperienced, incompetent candidate he can find." --David Letterman

"'Commander In Chief' over there on ABC was one of the highest rated shows. It's about the first female president of the United States. Or, as Hillary Clinton calls it, a reality show. Or, as Republicans call it, 'Fear Factor.'" --Jay Leno

"First Lady Laura Bush will appear on an upcoming episode of 'Extreme Makeover.' Tom DeLay will be on 'Cops.'" --Jay Leno

"Scooter Libby -- who's won the cutest name for an architect of war award five years running -- personally released her from her confidentiality agreement. And for those of you uncomfortable with the cozy relationship between the administration and the press, take heart at Libby's letter to Miller, a stern shot across her bow: Quote, 'Out west, where you vacation, the aspens will already be turning. They turn in clusters, because their roots connect them. Come back to work -- and life.' Wow, it's as though he thinks they're all in this together. For his efforts, Miller was released from jail, and Libby received a D- from his sophomore creative writing professor." --Jon Stewart

"She's never been a judge before, never served on the bench. This is part of President Bush's strategy of surrounding himself with people who are also in over their heads." --Jay Leno, on Supreme Court nominee Harriet Miers

"Welcome to the 'Late Show,' ladies and gentlemen. It's like the Supreme Court, anyone can get in here." --David Letterman

"As you might expect some people are criticizing the pick, especially conservative Republicans who worry that Harriet Miers is too liberal. Other critics say she's not a good pick because she hasn't been a judge before. Uh, had Paula Abdul been a judge before? Nobody had a problem when they picked her." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Harriet Miers, as you know, has no experience. Apparently no experience is the main requirement to be a Bush appointee." --David Letterman

"Last week, former Education Secretary Bill Bennett made some insensitive racial comments. I'm sure you all heard what he said. And the White House called the comments not appropriate. They want to make sure we know the government doesn't insult black people. It ignores them, but it doesn't insult them." --Jay Leno

"Representative Tom DeLay, many of you are familiar with his work, has received another indictment. The second indictment -- this one for money laundering -- he says is also baseless. He is also saying indictments three through eleven, which are coming, are without merit and illegitimate. He feels that indictments twelve through fifteen cut a little closer to the bone than he feels comfortable with. Sixteen and seventeen he feels are a farce. Eighteen to twenty four, he believes, nails it on the head. He believes that's when they're really going to get into the evil that is he. It is at that point that he will reveal to us that he is a swamp creature. By the way, my allegation that Tom DeLay is a swamp creature: Baseless." --Jon Stewart

"President Bush has pledged to grant millions of dollars in tax breaks to national casino companies rushing to rebuild casinos along the Gulf Coast, giving residents who haven't already lost their house a chance to do so." --Daily Show commentator Lewis Black

"A White House spokesman announced today that Vice President Dick Cheney's recovery is exceeding his doctor's expectations. You know what that means? He's still alive." --Jay Leno

"In the wake of newly-alleged prisoner abuse this week, Senator John McCain said that continued mistreatment of Iraqi prisoners is hurting the nation's image. Also hurting the nation's image: letting people drown when it rains." --Amy Poehler on Saturday Night Live's Weekend Update

"Today the New York Times reported that Judith Miller was released from jail. They had to release her to make room for Tom DeLay." --Jay Leno

"After a long investigation, authorities now believe they know how the fire got started. They believe it was started by Bill Bennett at a cross burning." --Jay Leno

"Did you know a phone center in India has been handling all the calls from the hurricane victims in Texas? The calls are routed through India. And here's the sad part. People in India still responded faster than FEMA." --Jay Leno

"Over in the Middle East, according to the L.A. Times, with three weeks before his trial starts, Saddam Hussein's defense is in chaos. Saddam's new strategy -- he's going to blame everything on state and local governments." --Jay Leno

"In a speech earlier this week, President Bush asked Americans to conserve gas by stopping non-essential travel. Then the president flew to Hawaii to make the same speech." --Conan O'Brien

"You know I'm not sure that President Bush really understands some of these energy issues. Like today, reporters asked him about alternative fuels, and he said, 'This is not a gay issue.'" --Jay Leno

"John Roberts was sworn in today as chief justice of the Supreme Court, and they said he might get a license plate for a limo that reads 'Chief Justice 1.' And it could be made by Tom DeLay." --Jay Leno

"Have you heard this rumor that President Bush could be drinking again? Yeah, the way things are going for this administration, I'm surprised that Betty Ford's not drinking again." --Jay Leno

"Today a Texas grand jury indicted House Majority Leader Tom DeLay for conspiracy in a campaign finance scheme. This is the most embarrassing thing to happen to the Republicans since yesterday." --Jay Leno

"Tom DeLay said he had a new priority in life -- outlawing prison rape." --Jay Leno

"Remember when Republicans, like Newt Gingrich and Bob Livingston, when they got in trouble it was for sex scandals? See Tom DeLay is in trouble for money. Or as Republicans would call it -- this is a return to traditional values." --Jay Leno

"House Majority Leader Tom DeLay says he is innocent of all wrongdoing and is the victim of a plot by the Democrats. Fox News does too; they've been spinning this story so hard they had to give the staff Dramamine today." --Jimmy Kimme

"Former FEMA director Mike Brown testified before Congress and he rejected claims that he was inexperienced, saying 'I have overseen over 150 presidential-declared disasters.' So he's not inexperienced, he's just incompetent." --Jay Leno

"I was impressed by his willingness to accept responsibility for how incompetent everyone else was. He candidly admitted -- he was too trusting, too able, too over-skilled to deal with all the retards around him. Overall, Jon, a heart-felt and stirring You-a culpa" --"Daily Show" correspondent Rob Corddry, on Michael Brown's testimony before Congress

"Because of all the fuel shortages, President Bush asked all Americans to cut back on unnecessary travel. You know, like trips to Iraq." --Jay Leno

"Saudi Arabia said today that they have twice the oil they thought they had. Which means they can screw us twice as much as they thought they could." --Jay Leno

"All in all, 16 Texas oil refineries remain shut down after the storms. Analysts say it's the worst thing to happen to the Texas oil industry since George W. Bush worked in it." --Jon Stewart

"Suppose he is drinking, who cares? He's the president. He doesn't drive anywhere, so that's not a danger. He's got the Secret Service right there to catch him if he stumbles, plus Dick Cheney is the designated brain, so it doesn't matter." --Jay Leno

"Some good news. The Bush administration captured their number one terror suspect the other day: anti-war protester Cindy Sheehan. She was arrested. I think she was the ace of spades." --Jay Leno

"Cindy Sheehan, she is the mother who was demonstrating in Texas. She was arrested at the White House for sitting down, doing nothing, and refusing to move. You know, if that's the criteria, they should arrest all those White House energy advisers." --Jay Leno

"The National Enquirer says that president Bush has started drinking again. You thought he was falling off his bicycle before. Are you worried that President Bush might be drinking again? Why? Let's say he is drinking. It'd be hard to screw up more than we have already." --Jay Leno

"In an announcement today President Bush said all federal workers should travel less to save fuel. He decided on this in Texas, right before he flew to Colorado then back to Washington to prepare for tomorrow's trip back to Texas." --Jay Leno

"Bush is keeping track of Hurricane Rita as it hits his home state of Texas. That's Bush's worst nightmare -- an electric chair with no power." --Jay Leno

"Hurricane Rita is supposed to make landfall in Texas, which is good for Barbara Bush because she can insult survivors closer to home." --Bill Maher

"California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger running for re-election. Except this time, instead of running as a mediocre actor, he'll be running as a mediocre governor." --David Letterman

"The other event that has people on edge this weekend, Vice President Cheney will undergo surgery for an aneurysm, and while he is under anesthetic, a man named George Bush will be in charge." --Bill Maher

"It's actually a procedure to correct an aneurysm behind Cheney's knee. Boy, you know you're out of shape when you have a heart attack on your knee. But the Vice President feels good about it. He's surrounded by loved ones, his wife Lynne and Halliburton." --Bill Maher

"Forbes this week came out with a list of the 400 richest Americans, or as we call it, the Bush Cabinet." --Jay Leno

"In a speech today about Hurricane Rita, President Bush declared, quote, 'This is a big storm.' In related news, the White House announced earlier today that the president is writing his own speeches." --Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday the Texas Air National Guard was recalled from Louisiana. President Bush said these brave men and women should be commended for all the work they do. Of course, Bush didn't know firsthand knowledge of what it was the Air National Guard actually does, but he heard it was important." --Jay Leno

"Now here's some sad information coming out of Washington. According to reports, President Bush may be drinking again. And I thought, 'Well, why not? He's got everybody else drinking.'" --David Letterman

"Now here's surprising and sad news coming out of Iraq. According to reports, Iraqi officials have embezzled $1.2 billion in Pentagon money. $1.2 billion. And Halliburton, when they heard about this, they said hey! Hey! We were going to embezzle that money. That's our money." --David Letterman

"It was announced today that the FBI is recruiting agents for an anti-obscenity task force. The FBI said they'll divert agents from other areas to fight a war on pornography, or as President Bush is calling them, weapons of mass erections. Let me ask you something. A war on pornography? Did I miss something? Did we catch bin Laden?" --Jay Leno

"President Bush said that he wants to put a man on the moon by the year 2018. Why are we going to the moon? Didn't he say just last month that we were going to Mars? See, that shows you how expensive gas is -- we can only go halfway now. Sorry kid, you're just going to the Moon again this year -- the Mars thing is out." --Jay Leno

"Over the weekend, North Korea, seen here in parade form, stunned the world by agreeing to end its nuclear weapons program in exchange for a White House pledge not to invade them. The surprise breakthrough in the talks made banner headlines -- until the next day when unfortunately North Korea backed out and vowed to keep its weapons until Washington gave it a nuclear reactor. Now I understand that Kim Jong Il enjoys Western entertainment, so, on the off chance that he may be watching this program, I would like to take a moment to address the dear leader. ... Listen f---head, you got the Bush administration to promise not to attack you. Don't blow that. Mexico can't even get that. Every day, Canadians check the map to make sure we didn't move the border on them overnight. We're bad-ass, baby" --Jon Stewart

"Vice President Dick Cheney will have elective surgery or, as his doctors call it, a pre-autopsy." --Jay Leno

"According to reports now, Iraqi officials have embezzled over one billion dollars. One billion dollars! So apparently they really do have a U.S.-style democracy." --David Letterman

"Yesterday President Bush made his fifth visit to the area that received the most damage from Hurricane Katrina. In other words, the White House." --Conan O'Brien

"It's still unclear exactly how much federal money will be needed to help the Gulf Coast recover, but this week's Newsweek puts the price tag at $200 billion, which, coincidentally, is what the war in Iraq has cost so far. Hey, can you tell me which one we've already spent the money on? I can't tell." --Jon Stewart

"The president believes the government should be limited not in size, Jon, but in effectiveness. In terms of effectiveness, this is the most limited government we've ever had." --Daily Show correspondent Rob Corddry

"Hurricane Rita, hitting Florida, and this time President Bush is not screwing around. He is not taking any chances. Earlier today, President Bush sprang into action and evacuated all the crooked voting machines out of Florida." --David Letterman

"Whatever their shortcomings in the past, the federal government has learned the lesson of Katrina: Start blaming state and local officials now. I've already been assured by FEMA that the mayor and governor will have failed. And this time the president will not be detached. There are already plans to helicopter him in to save a baby from raging flood waters." --Daily Show correspondent Rob Corddry

"The big question, what's going to get dried out first, New Orleans or Gov. Jeb Bush's son? You hear about this? President Bush's nephew, John Ellis Bush, who is Jeb Bush's son, was arrested for public drunkenness and resisting arrest. Apparently the family's concerned that this behavior will hurt his chances of having a political career. But it didn't hurt Uncle George" --Jay Leno

"In New York a man has set the Guinness World Record for being a couch potato. He spent 68 hours and 48 minutes straight watching TV. So nice to see FEMA director Mike Brown landing on his feet." --Jay Leno

"Did you see the speech? President Bush spoke from Jackson Square in New Orleans. It wasn't his first choice for a backdrop, but the water wasn't quite deep enough for the aircraft carrier." --Bill Maher

"The president said much of the aid is going towards job training. And when they heard that, the people of New Orleans rose as one and said, 'Can we start with you?'" --Bill Maher

"He's like the Peanuts character Pigpen. Wherever he goes, he stirs up such a humongous mess, it can only be cleaned up by Halliburton." --Bill Maher, on Bush

"If there's one person who felt the pain of what's going on down there and commemorated the victims of Katrina more than anyone else, it's Judge John Roberts, because he observed an entire week of silence." --Bill Maher, on John Roberts' confirmation hearings

"President Bush spoke to the nation from historic Jackson Square in New Orleans. Did you see this speech? He wasn't wearing a tie, he wasn't wearing a jacket. See they took all that stuff away from him. Apparently his approval ratings are so low they have him on a suicide watch." --Jay Leno

"President Bush has taken personal responsibility for this failed response of FEMA. He also hinted that he might have had something to do with the war in Iraq too." --Jay Leno

"President Bush said racism played no part on the slow rescue effort. He's right. That's the one good thing about incompetence -- it's color blind." --Jay Leno

"And you know, I think Bush is trying a little too hard now to show how much he cares. Have you seen today? Like, he's in New Orleans this morning. He met with Cindy Sheehan in the middle of a flooded street while hugging a black guy." --Jay Leno

"A lot of celebrities are helping the victims of Hurricane Katrina. Shaquille O'Neal gave money and donated several pairs of his autographed sneakers. Today, those sneakers are being used as kayaks to rescue people." --Jay Leno

"Hey, I watched some great softball today. The Senate hearings on John Roberts." - Jay Leno

"To his credit, President Bush took some of the blame for the slow relief effort of Hurricane Katrina. In fact, he said this is probably why he is not going to run for a third term." --Jay Leno

"President Bush spoke tonight to the nation about the problems with the relief effort. And afterwards, Kanye West gave the rebuttal." --Jay Leno

"Arnold Schwarzenegger will announce tomorrow whether he plans to run for a second term. Or as he calls it - a sequel. I think it’s good news if he decides to run. You know that he's not planning to go back into acting." --Jay Leno

"Welcome to our 3000th show tonight. I was thinking about that. We did our first show in May of 1992; a man named George Bush was president, his approval rating was only 39%. And someone named Clinton wanted to replace him in the White House. So nothing has changed really." --Jay Leno

Bush’s Bathroom Break: http://movies.crooksandliars.com/Conan-OBrien-Bush-Potty-breadk.mov --Conan O'Brien

"Big summit at the U.N., and President Bush warned the president of Syria to stop letting terrorists into Iraq. And then the president of Syria warned Bush to start paying attention to natural disasters." --David Letterman

"Off the coast of North Carolina , Hurricane Ophelia continues to lurk. That is what I was worried about after Katrina, copycat hurricanes. Hopefully Ophelia will peter out and drizzle away. Just to be safe though, the President went on a two-week vacation." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Tomorrow night, in a speech to the nation, the president will do what he does best: Explain what went wrong." --Jay Leno

"The rebuilding of New Orleans is already underway. The relief and reconstruction contracts for rebuilding the city have already been awarded, many of them no bid. Among the recipients, major Republican contributors Bechtel and Fluor, the Shaw Group, client of Joe Allbaugh, ex-FEMA head, and, of course, come on, don't be shy, say it with me -- Halliburton." --Jon Stewart

"President Bush did something interesting today. After weeks of dodging how poorly the Hurricane Katrina rescue effort went, today he took responsibility for it. It's almost unprecedented for President Bush to admit fault. And he's getting so much praise for doing it, he decided to go for broke and also admitted today that he's not very smart." --Jimmy Kimmel

"President Bush toured New Orleans. He saw something that was below sea level: his approval ratings." --Jay Leno

Bush said his administration's response to Katrina was unacceptable. Then he said, 'Don't blame me, I was on vacation.' -- JAY LENO

"Brown said he was stepping down because he was an ineffective leader who had lost the confidence of the people, to which Bush said, 'That's no reason to quit your job.'" --Jay Leno

"Did you know Michael Brown is a lawyer? He's a lawyer. Leave it to Bush to find the only lawyer in history who's slow getting to a disaster. Usually, they're the first ones there handing out business cards." --Jay Leno

"Seriously, Mr. President, this job can't be fun for you anymore. There's no more money to spend; you used up all of that. You can't start another war because you also used up the army. And now, darn the luck, the rest of your term has become the Bush family nightmare: helping poor people." --Bill Maher

"You've performed so poor, I'm surprised you haven't given yourself a medal. You're a catastrophe that walks like a man. Herbert Hoover was a shitty president, but even he never conceded an entire metropolis to rising water and snakes. On your watch, we've lost almost all of our allies, the surplus, four airliners, two trade centers, a piece of the Pentagon, and the city of New Orleans . Maybe you're just not lucky. I'm not saying you don't love this country, I'm just wondering how much worse it could be if you were on the other side. So yes, God does speak to you, and what he's saying is, 'Take a hint.'" --Bill Maher

"Michael Brown, the head of FEMA, has been relieved of his command. He has been asked to return to Washington immediately. He is expected to arrive in about a week. He had a good excuse, though. He said he thought freezing in the face of national crisis made him look presidential." --Bill Maher

"Just a quick observation, when people don't want to play the blame game, they're to blame." --Jon Stewart, on Bush playing the "blame game"

"A lot of people are now blaming President Bush for not evacuating New Orleans sooner. Hey, we're still trying to get him to evacuate Crawford, Texas. Took him five weeks to get out of there." -Jay Leno

"Today President Bush asked if his visit to the hurricane zone would count toward the service time he still owes the National Guard." -Jay Leno

"Although the waters have receded from New Orleans, it's still a huge, huge problem and will be for months to come. You see the fresh water is contaminated with oil and gas. Actually, from Dick Cheney's perspective, the oil and gas is contaminated with fresh water." -Jay Leno

"The president has issued a statement that, on September 16th, there will be a day of prayer. Now, uh, uh, okay. But isn't a hurricane, and I don't mean to be crass in any way, an act of God? Shouldn't there be a day of shunning? Some sort of 'Okay, tough guy.'" --Jon Stewart

"William Rehnquist, The 80-year-old chief justice died Saturday after spending 33 years on the court. That means that, with a Supreme Court vacancy and a city known for debauchery destroyed, God has listened to Pat Robertson twice in one week" --Jon Stewart

"Michael Brown, the director of FEMA, was nominated by President Bush in 2003 and plans to start the job any day now. ... Prior to heading FEMA, Brown spent the 90's as a commissioner -- this is true -- of the International Arabian Horse Association. I guess he stands out because most Bush appointees are beholden to Arabian people." --Jon Stewart

"Many Americans are calling on President Bush to fire the head of FEMA Michael Brown because of the slow response to the crisis. Unfortunately, due to the red tape, firing Brown will take 6 to 8 months." --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush sent Vice President Dick Cheney to New Orleans. Is that what they need down there? Another person requiring emergency medical help?" --Jay Leno

"Congress announced a plan to rename the Gulf of Mexico. They want to call it Persian Gulf 2 in hopes that President Bush would send troops there faster." --Jay Leno

"How many folks have been watching the mini-series on HBO called 'Rome?' Amazingly, exciting episode this week -- Rome is burning while Nero refuses to cut his vacation short. And don't miss next week's episode when FEMA shows up a week late at Pompeii." --David Letterman

"Big news: President Bush announced a plan to put a man on Mars. It's the head of FEMA. ... You know the difference between FEMA and Social Security? You might actually live long enough to get benefits from Social Security." --Jay Leno

"Finally today convoys of troops and aid started to arrive along the Gulf Coast. Five days after the hurricane hit. Kind of makes you miss the innocent days when Bush only sat on his ass for seven minutes. It only took him four days to make a plan, but finally today he said he had a plan. Unfortunately it's a faith-based plan that involves getting two of every animal onto a big boat." -- Bill Maher (Read his full monologue)

"Day 27 -- Bush uses 70,000 gallons of fuel to fly home to deal with the oil crisis." --David Letterman, on the Bush vacation

"Hurricane Katrina has been particularly hard on President Bush, who was forced to end his vacation two days early. He was supposed to be clearing brush in Texas until Friday. Now he's going to get back to the White House tomorrow. You know, if he doesn't use his vacation days, he loses them, so this is hard on everybody." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Hurricane Katrina looked like it was bad in Florida the other day. Law enforcement officials went around telling people to stay in their homes, and black people thought it was election day." --Bill Maher

"President Bush said he wants Iraqis to compromise with each other, the warring parties, on their constitution. He said, look how easy it is, look how many times I've compromised our constitution." --Bill Maher

"Interesting science news this week. Scientists say they now have incontrovertible evidence that the earth's core is an iron ball the size of the moon . Apparently it spins faster than the rest of the planet. President Bush weighed in immediately. He said it's also important that schools teach that it doesn't." --Bill Maher

"Doctors and hospitals have gone back to literally the Middle Ages for a cure they say works better than anything they have in modern medicine for post-operative blood coagulation. They are going back to flesh-eating maggots and blood-sucking leeches. Or as most people know them, HMOs." --Bill Maher

Bush addressing national guardsmen in Idaho: "Nineteen individuals have served both as guardsmen and as president of the United States, and I'm proud to have been one."
"Ah, the first rule of public speaking -- always start with a joke." --Jon Stewart

"You know if I had nickel for every time Bush has mentioned 9/11, I could raise enough reward money to go after Bin Laden." --Jon Stewart (Watch video clip)

"He keeps saying 'sacrifice' and the 'war on terror,' and you turn around and he's in a field of poppies with Lance Armstrong." --Jon Stewart, on President Bush's vacation

"Pat Robertson, in case you don't know, is a televangelist. He's one of the big ones and also one of the dumbest ones. He's getting a lot of heat today after suggesting on his show yesterday that we go ahead and assassinate the president of Venezuela. Well, that is what Jesus would do." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Needless to say, the Venezuelan government is not amused. I guess they don't realize the only people watching the '700 Club' are 7 100-year-olds." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Pat Robertson, in case you don't know, is a televangelist. He's one of the big ones and also one of the dumbest ones. He's getting a lot of heat today after suggesting on his show yesterday that we go ahead and assassinate the president of Venezuela. Well, that is what Jesus would do." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Needless to say, the Venezuelan government is not amused. I guess they don't realize the only people watching the '700 Club' are 7 100-year-olds." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Lance Armstrong is going to come down to the ranch -- the controversial Lance Armstrong -- and Bush is thrilled about this. He's like a kid. He said how many times do you get a chance to go biking with someone who's been on the moon?" --Bill Maher

"Three missiles were fired on one of our ships in the Gulf of Aqaba in Jordan, and the administration is scrambling to determine exactly who these attackers were, and which country that had nothing to do with it we can invade." --Bill Maher

"Tough times in Israel. The settlers didn't want to leave because they feel that the land was given to them by God. It's the same way that Republicans feel about the White House." --Jay Leno

"Bush woke up this morning, saw his shadow and now -- six more weeks of vacation." --Jay Leno

"President Bush still having his five-week vacation. Today President Bush announced he is going to leave his ranch in Texas to visit Idaho for two days. However, Bush told his supporters, 'Don't worry, I won't do any work there either.'" --Conan O'Brien

"They said on the news that the high fuel prices are not stopping people from going on vacation. Everyone's going on vacation this summer -- Bush, Cheney, Congress." --Jay Leno

"President Bush is doing a lot of reading this summer. And today the White House released the president's summer reading list. They said he is reading mostly non-fiction. He likes to save the fiction for when he needs another reason to invade a country." --Jay Leno

"Over the weekend, President Bush threw out the first pitch at a Little League play off game, and that must have been exciting. I mean that's something those kids will remember until they are old and gray and have no Social Security." --Jay Leno

"Eight cities in Texas are competing with each other to be the location for the George Bush Library. It's BYOB -- bring you own books. ... The George Bush Presidential Library -- that shouldn't take up too much space: a box of cliff notes and pop-up books. ... The only thing Bush ever checked out of a library was Laura." --Jay Leno

"Lance Armstrong is going on a bike ride with President Bush. Apparently Armstrong's mom called the president's mom and they set the whole thing up. They're going to have a sleep over, build a tent, maybe eat s'mores." --Conan O'Brien

"Months ago officials set August 15th as the due date for the country's new constitution and, as of August 11th, President Bush remained optimistic. [clip of Bush: 'I'm operating under the assumption that it will be agreed upon by August 15th.'] Well guess what? The assumption that the president was operating on was wrong -- bringing the number of false assumptions we were operating under to -- let's see:
 

1. Iraq has WMDs.
2. We'll be greeted as liberators.
3. No insurgency.
4. All q's followed by u's.
5. Oil revenue will pay for war....
19,021. Iraqi army training on schedule.
19,022. Hummus left out won't spoil.
19,023. Not everything explodes.
19,024. Constitution by August 15th.
 

... Is there a fuck up they can't make seem like it was their intention all along?" --Jon Stewart

"A neighbor of President Bush in Crawford, Texas, fired his shotgun in the air twice because he was upset about all the protestors. ... President Bush was pretty shaken up because this was the closest he's ever been to actual combat." --Jay Leno

"President Bush is on week three of his marathon five-week vacation. In fact, he has been gone on vacation for so long that today in Washington, a judge ruled that a young couple with two children can now legally move into the White House because it appears to have been abandoned by its previous tenants." --Jay Leno

"At his ranch over the weekend President Bush threw out the first pitch at a Little League game. I'm not sure President Bush realizes this was a Little League game. Like when he reached down to shake [a kid's] hand, he said 'See, this is proof our steroid policy is working.'" --Jay Leno

"After a month-long search, the White House has hired the first female chef in history. And the administration is making a big deal about the fact that she's a female. Finally, women getting into cooking. President Bush's favorite food is peanut butter and honey sandwiches. That was also President Bill Clinton's favorite -- the only difference was Clinton liked his honey on the side." --Jay Leno

"Tony Blair said yesterday that 'extremists are no longer welcome in the U.K.' So even Tony Blair is trying to distance himself from President Bush." --Jay Leno

"As you know, President Bush is taking 5 weeks off. It's like he's still in the National Guard." --Jay Leno

"Now is a great time for President Bush to go on vacation because Iraq is pretty much under control. But a White House spokesman said Bush is using his vacation to reconnect with regular people. So you know what that means -- he's drinking again." --David Letterman

"California education officials said today that the state of California needs 52,000 more teachers. They say we are facing a huge teacher shortage. In fact, by the year 2007, they said many students will be forced to have sex with each other." --Jay Leno

"President Bush signed an energy bill in New Mexico last week. He had a simple clear message for all Americans -- he said the economy is moving, it's moving to China and Korea and Taiwan, but it's moving." --Jay Leno

"In a radio speech this weekend Bush said I will not be satisfied until every American who wants to work can find a job. Then Bush went back to his five-week vacation." --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush is at his ranch in Crawford, Texas, and here's the good news -- he says he will only stay until Crawford is capable of self rule." --David Letterman

"Yesterday in New York City they did a simulated gas attack. ... I believe it was the biggest release of gas in Manhattan since, well I guess the Republican convention." --David Letterman

"He (Gov. Mitt Romney) has decided that life begins not at conception, not at birth, but when you decide to run for president." --Jon Stewart

"President Bush is now in the second week of his five-week vacation down there in Crawford, Texas. He's been taking a lot of criticism for this long vacation and his aides say he has his laptop with him so he can still play Solitaire and Minesweep -- so it's business as usual." --Jay Leno

"President Bush is on a five-week vacation. From what? President Bush, before he went on vacation, he signed a bill that will extend daylight savings another month. He said it proves we're winning the war on darkness" --David Letterman

And while President Bush was out of town Hillary Clinton stopped by the White House on Friday for an important meeting with her decorator." --Jay Leno

"So Congress is on recess and Bush is on vacation -- the town is empty. It's so lonely in D.C. right now the NRA and the Oil lobby are just giving money to each other." --Jay Leno

"President Bush talked tough today. He said he's not backing out, he's staying the course for as long as it takes. He's in it for the long haul. Not Iraq -- his 5-week vacation." --Jay Leno

"According to President Bush's most recent health results, he's the most fit president in history. He's in the 99 percentile for men 55 to 59 years old. Bush said he could make it into the 100% league if his damn job didn't take up most of his morning." --Jay Leno

"President Bush signed a free trade pact with Central America. I don't think Bush really understands a lot of these things. Like today he said he owes a lot to Central America because those red states won him the election." --Jay Leno

"What is wrong with Novak? ... Does he absorb light?" --Jon Stewart

"A lot of people are every critical of President Bush for taking the entire month of August off for his vacation. But his staff points out, there's nothing at the White House he can't do at the ranch because the ranch is fully equipped. It's got the treadmill, the weight room, the jogging path, the big screen TV, they get Nickelodeon. It's got everything he would do." --Jay Leno

"It turns out President Bush can run again in the next election. Now I know you're only supposed to be allowed two terms, but the Supreme Court said if you count his vacation time, he's barely served one." --Jay Leno

"President Bush said that even though Rafael Palmeiro apparently lied to Congress about taking steroids he's a friend and he is standing by him. After hearing this Karl Rove started wolfing down steroids." --Jay Leno

"President Bush believes Rafael Palmeiro. He said he considers Palmeiro a friend and tests or no tests, he believes him. Maybe Rafael Palmeiro is the one who told him there were weapons of mass destruction." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Yesterday the president jumped on a plane to start a five-week vacation. This will be the longest presidential vacation in 36 years. This means President Bush has now been on vacation for 27% of his presidency. That means the country could be 27% more screwed up than it already is." --Jimmy Kimmel

"President Bush is taking his summer vacation. It's a five-week vacation. This is his fiftieth vacation in the last five years -- that's about the national average isn't it? During his five-week vacation, he will continue to receive national security briefings. He won't be reading them, but he will receive them." --David Letterman

"President Bush is vacationing in Crawford, Texas. He will be vacationing for five weeks. That's a long time. I don't think he has an exit strategy for his vacation either." --David Letterman

"The energy bill passed Congress this week and -- surprise, surprise -- it has huge tax relief for energy companies and oil companies. What a shock. They said it was a historical bill. It was the first time a pork barrel was placed inside an oil barrel." --Jay Leno

"President Bush is the fittest president in history. They said it's because he spends a lot of time exercising. See a lot of our previous presidents wasted that time reading." --Jay Leno

"President Bush says schools should teach kids the theory of intelligent design, which says that the creation of life is way too complex to be understood by science and we should leave those questions for God. Of course, President Bush also felt the same way about Algebra." --Jay Leno

"President Bush is on a three-week vacation down in Crawford, Texas, and it's what they call a working vacation. And staff say it is an important time because it's time for him to kick back. And I'm thinking, when does this guy kick forward?" --David Letterman

"Today at the White House President Bush spoke to the astronauts who were orbiting the Earth on the space shuttle Discovery. Yeah, had a chat. Unfortunately the astronauts couldn't hear the president because he was standing on the White House lawn with a megaphone." --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush is going on his annual vacation. The White House says he goes to his Texas Ranch to unwind. I'm thinking when does he wind?" --David Letterman

"President Bush had his physical a couple days ago and doctors say that President Bush is likely our most fit president in the history of the United States. That means if anything happens to Cheney he can jump in and take over. ... Bush passed his physical -- no word yet on his mental." --David Letterman

"President Bush had his annual physical. The good news is he is in great shape, amazing shape. They said his heart beat at rest is down from 52 beats a minute to 47 beats per minute. Which is pretty impressive when you think that Dick Cheney sometimes doesn't have a heart beat at all." --Jay Leno

"President Bush got his energy bill passed last week. It includes his new logging program -- no tree left behind." --Jay Leno

"The Pope said that churches in countries like the United States are dying out. He said it's like they're going out of business. You know why? People used to need churches to help them understand the word of God. But, see, now that job has been transferred to the federal government." --Jay Leno

"The White House has changed their slogan from the war on terror to the global struggle against violent extremism. Well that just rolls off the tongue. Is that a good idea, giving President Bush more syllables to pronounce?" --Jay Leno

""North Korea is making several demands in exchange for giving up their nuclear program, including a promise from America not to attack them. Which is a little strange because for us to attack them we would have to have slam dunk proof that they have weapons of mass destruction. I mean, for Gods sakes people, we're not maniacs. It would have to be an air-tight case. We wouldn't just come in there and start bombing you." --Jon Stewart

"On this date in 1990 the first President Bush signed into law the Americans with Disabilities Act, which allowed, of course, his son George W. to become president of the United States." --Jay Leno

"Lance Armstrong not only won the Tour de France but he also sold millions of those Livestrong bracelets. Actually, one kind of embarrassing moment, he gave one to President Bush and Bush had some trouble getting it on -- he thought it was a head band." --Jay Leno

"It looks like there may be more people than just Karl Rove involved in this White House leaking scandal that's been going on. They are saying information may also have been leaked by the Vice President Dick Cheney's top aide -- a man named Scooter Libby. Let me tell you something right now. That is not a good name to have if you're going to prison." --Jay Leno

"President Bush has asked for Congress to come up with an energy plan. Do you know what they came up with? They want to extend daylight savings time for four weeks to save energy. That's their plan? Take a break guys -- you're really earning your money." --Jay Leno

"The White House announced today that President Bush is on the last page of the Harry Potter book. Apparently he's reading it backward." --Jay Leno

"Pennsylvania Republican family values congressman Don Sherwood, who is married, has admitted he had an affair for five years with a young women. But he said it is a five-year affair he deeply regrets. That's something -- these guys only regret the affair after they've been caught. They never regret it when the pants are going down -- only when they're coming back up. ... Before he got elected to Congress he was a used car dealer. So he's married, a Congressman, and a used car-salesman. That's like the trifecta of lying." --Jay Leno

"Did you hear the video game industry has changed the ratings of the game Grand Theft Auto to an adult-only rating after pressure from media watch dog groups and politicians because the game had hidden sexual content? Politicians felt the sex would have a negative effect on the children. See that shows you how up tight we are in this country about sex. Apparently a game when you're stealing cars and killing cops is okay -- it's the sex we're worried about." --Jay Leno

"Happy birthday to a great American -- Bob Dole is 85 today. The Army Corp of Engineers conducted a controlled burn on his cake." --David Letterman

"President Bush has nominated John Roberts to be the next Supreme Court justice. So counting this nomination, this is the second person who's gotten a job for life from President Bush. The first, of course, being the guy in charge of the war in Iraq." --Jay Leno

"According to a new report, China's increasingly modern military will eventually threaten the United States. They already have these intercontinental missiles that can reach us. Do you think we have anything to worry about from China? Why would they try to kill their best customer? It would be like Columbia trying to destroy Hollywood." --Jay Leno

"John Roberts could be the newest member of the Supreme Court and I gotta tell you -- I haven't seen this much charisma since the Oreck vacuum guy. He's everywhere. Now he's doing a lot of interviews hoping to get nominated. Earlier today he was jumping up and down on Oprah's couch." --David Letterman

"In Iraq, the U.S. military wants to disperse angry rioters by using a new weapon called a microwave beam. Officials say the beam works perfectly. The hard part is getting the rioters to stand on a slowly revolving plate." --Conan O'Brien

"I guess we're all excited that President Bush announced his nomination to the Supreme Court -- John Roberts. Bush searched far and wide before he made the risky choice of a white guy in his fifties." --David Letterman

"President Bush said the job of the Supreme Court was extremely important because these are the people we choose to pick the next president of the United States." --Jay Leno

"You realize he is only 50 years old. He could serve on the court for the next 40 years. So he could still be there when we pull out of Iraq." --Jay Leno

"Even the Democrats are saying while John Roberts is extremely conservative, he is very bright, he is intellectually curious, and has a great legal mind -- so it must have been a real thrill for him to be interviewed by President Bush." --Jay Leno

"After all the media's speculation about Edith this or Hispanic that, they picked a white guy. And not just any white guy, A REALLY white guy. John Roberts? That's the fake name that every underage kid busted with booze uses." --Daily Show correspondent Ed Helms

"I think Karl Rove is getting a little worried. Like today he said the biggest problem facing Americans -- prison rape." --Jay Leno

"The prime minister of India was at the White House today. One kind of embarrassing moment when President Bush said to the prime minister, 'Could you take a look at my computer? I'm having some problems with it. I can't seem to get through on the tech line.'" --Jay Leno

This puts President Bush in kind of a jam because a year ago he said whoever leaked the name of the CIA operative would be fired. It's a case of Bush spoke too soon; like when he said 'Mission Accomplished.'" --Jay Leno

"Karl Rove is really not worried about this because he knows Bush is extremely loyal to his staff. He never likes to fire his staff -- not out of loyalty; he hates having to learn new names." --Jay Leno

"Support for Osama bin Laden is down in Muslim countries. ... In fact, bin Laden's approval rating is so low, today he hired Karl Rove to try to get the numbers back up." --Jay Leno

"William Rehnquist denied reports he's retiring. ... He said that was a nasty rumor started by his mortician." --Jay Leno

"President Bush's still searching for a Supreme Court justice. ... Bush said he's thinking of appointing someone who's not a judge. He has it narrowed down to a cowboy or a fireman." --Jay Leno

"President Bush went to Indiana to try and reach out to the state's black voters. Apparently Indiana's black voters are divided -- one likes Bush; the other doesn't." --Conan O'Brien

" Tuesday the Senate also voted to continue distributing a significant portion of security dollars equally among the states, rather then by likelihood of attack. Bad news for -- I don't know -- here. But good news for smaller states like Wyoming, which only has one high risk target -- the popular tourist attraction: the world's largest pile of homeland security money." --Jon Stewart

"In a speech this week, Hillary Clinton compared President Bush to Mad Magazine's Alfred E. Neuman. ... After hearing this the president said, 'Finally a literary reference I can understand.'" --Conan O'Brien

"The big rumor is that Chief Justice Rehnquist is going to resign from the Supreme Court this week. See, I won't believe it till it's leaked to the New York Times by Karl Rove -- then I'll believe it's true." --Jay Leno

The president's top political adviser, Karl Rove, is spending all his time working on Bush's next Supreme Court nominee. Well sure, that's because this judge could decide if Rove is going to prison or not." --Jay Leno

"The White House has also said that President Bush has begun his formal process of selecting his first nominee for the Supreme Court by reviewing key rulings. Now we all like President Bush, but do you think he spends a lot of his free time reading a bunch of legal rulings? How many think President Bush's selection process falls in the category of Eeny, Meeny, Miny, Moe." --Jay Leno

"Everybody wondering who the Supreme Court justice is going to be? Well the White House says he may take four weeks to make his decision. Which makes sense because it took him three weeks to pick his favorite Teletubby. It was the blue one, I was going for the yellow one." --Conan O'Brien

"The White House announced that next month Dick Cheney will get a colonoscopy. In fact the last time he had one, they found one polyp and three oil company executives up there." --Jay Leno

"The Supreme Court ruled 5-4 to let the government seize a person's house and give it to a private developer if they think a city or town could make more money by giving your property to someone else. They can take your property. This falls under the rule 'One man's home is another man's Wal-Mart.' " --Jay Leno

"President Bush visited Denmark, where he was greeted by the king and the queen. He thanked the Danes for their help in Iraq, and he also told them, ‘Hey, I love your great, big dogs, too. They're terrific.'" --Jay Leno

"President Bush had a minor bike accident today. The White House physician said he should be fine and back on his Big Wheel in no time. It's apparently hard to tip one of those too. It got caught in the colored streamers." --Conan O'Brien

"See, personally, I blame the police officer. I mean, he should have heard President Bush coming with all those baseball cards in the spokes." --Jay Leno

"What does a bicycle have to do with the war in Iraq? President Bush doesn't know how to stop either one of them." --Jay Leno

"You know whose birthday it is today? President Bush is 59 years old today. ... If you haven't gotten him a gift yet you know you can't go wrong with an exit strategy for Iraq." --Jay Leno

"Today in Scotland, President Bush was riding his bike when he collided with a police officer and fell off. ... He could have avoided the collision but, you know, he refuses to go left." --Jay Leno

"What does a bicycle have to do with the war in Iraq? President Bush doesn't know how to stop either one of them." --Jay Leno

"You know whose birthday it is today? President Bush is 59 years old today. ... If you haven't gotten him a gift yet you know you can't go wrong with an exit strategy for Iraq." --Jay Leno

" Sandra Day O'Connor didn't want to step down but she wants to make sure she is home so no one can seize her house." --Jay Leno,

"Governor Schwarzenegger spoke about the dangers of global warming. Schwarzenegger's exact words were: fire, hot, bad." --Conan O'Brien

"Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld said the Iranian election was invalid and the winner was no friend to democracy. To which Al Gore said, 'Hey, tell me about it.'" --Jay Leno

"Did you folks see President Bush's speech last night, the special address? ... He said many, many, improvements have been made in Iraq. For example, the roads have been improved, the schools have been improved, medical care has improved. Now if only that could happen here." --David Letterman

"How many of you earlier tonight saw President Bush's address on TV? Did you see it? I was surprised. Apparently the war in Iraq is going quite well. Bush highlighted his successes. The Iraqi election is a highlight, improving homeland security -- that is a big improvement -- capturing Russell Crowe. But the president did admit there are problems. The war is dragging on, of course, the economy is down, gas prices are going up, and then he left on his two-month vacation." --David Letterman

"Support for the Iraq war is at an all-time low, and some Republicans blame the media and its '24/7 news coverage of car bombs,' which 'tends to leave a certain impression.' You know, that's so true. You never hear about the cars that DON'T blow up." --Jon Stewart

"The guards who watch Saddam Hussein say he sits around all day eating Doritos. And, of course, in this country we call that college. " --David Letterman
"The Supreme Court ruled that the government has the right to seize your land. And today Native Americans said, what else is new?" --Jay Leno

"The House of Representatives has voted to approve a constitutional amendment to ban flag burning. Which was surprising because in the past Congress always rejected flag burning amendments because Congress believed that any form of speech, no matter how vile or insulting, should be permitted. See, they believed that because that's how they campaigned and got elected." --Jay Leno

"Even if the flag burning amendment does become law, the larger problem will remain of how to respectfully dispose of older, tattered flags. Well, fortunately the U.S. official Flag Code has a suggestion about this. Quote: 'The flag, when it is in such a condition that it is no longer a fitting emblem of display, should be destroyed in a dignified way, preferably by burning.' Owwwwcchh. In response, the House Republicans are calling for tattered flags to be kept alive via a feeding tube." --Jon Stewart

"The Army announced this week they are now training mine-sniffing dogs to go to Iraq. How bad do you have to screw up at obedience school to get that job?" --Jay Leno

"One of the biggest problems in Iraq right now is agreeing on a constitution. They should just do what Washington does -- have a constitution, you just don't use it" --Jay Leno

"Experts announced that within the next ten years there is a 70% chance there will be a terrorist attack using weapons of mass destruction...Look, in ten years, the ozone will be gone, the average temperature will be over 200 degrees, robots and clones will rule the streets, and Tom Cruise will be engaged to Dakota Fanning." --Jimmy Kimmel

"President Bush is talking up his economic plan these days. In a speech today, President Bush said his economic plan would help Americans from all walks of life. ... Bush said my plan will help if you're a billionaire or just a millionaire." --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush announced he has decided to visit Vietnam. The president said 'It must be a pretty nice place. I hear John McCain spent five years there.'" --Conan O'Brien

"The prime minister of Vietnam met with President Bush at the White House. As you know, Vietnam is a communist country so there is no democracy, there is no freedom, but don't worry, there is no oil either so we won't be going back." --Jay Leno

"President Bush said he will visit Vietnam next year. ... He told the prime minister that he is anxious to stay at that Hanoi Hilton that John McCain is always talking about." --Jay Leno

"President Bush welcomed Vietnam's prime minister to the White House today. He promised the prime minister he would travel to Vietnam next year -- that is, unless his dad can get him out of it." --Jay Leno

"According to an interview in GQ magazine, Saddam Hussein says he wishes to be friends with George Bush. Isn't that ironic? The one foreign leader who reaches out to President Bush and it's Saddam Hussein. The one ally we have." --Jay Leno

"The price of oil is so high President Bush called that Saudi prince -- you know, the one who he was holding hands with -- and said how about dinner and a movie?" --Jay Leno

"You know I like President Bush. I just don't think he gets it. Like today, when they asked him what effect prices would have on the average car owner he said, well not much because most Americans buy their oil in little cans, not barrels." --Jay Leno

"Tomorrow at the White House, President Bush will meet with the first prime minister from Vietnam to visit the U.S. in thirty years. You know why he's coming here? It's a lot easier to come here then to get Bush to go to Vietnam." --Jay Leno

"White House spokesperson Scott McClellan said it would be wrong to create an artificial time table for getting out of Iraq. You think that's true? We went in for artificial reasons, using artificial intelligence -- why not have an artificial time table to get out?" --Jay Leno

"It was 122 degrees today in India. It was so hot people in India were sweating like Americans waiting to see if their jobs were being outsourced to India." --Jay Leno

"President Bush criticized the election process in Iran. He said there are groups there who try and suppress the vote, power there is in the hands of the very few, and the whole thing is dominated by religion. Hey, that is our system." --Jay Leno

"Today is the 33rd anniversary of the Watergate break-in. That was a time when the president of the United States couldn't be trusted to tell the American people the truth -- thirty years ago, but it feels like yesterday." --Jay Leno

"President Clinton is close friends with the first President Bush and also close friends with the next President Clinton -- see how that works." --David Letterman

"The Bush administration is now resisting calls to shut down the prison at Guantanamo bay. They said while it's true many prisoners have not been charged with a specific crime, they are sure that each one has done something bad that deserves punishment. Well, you can say the same thing about half the people who work at the White House." --Jay Leno

"Last night in his speech, President Bush called for a complete overhaul of the tax code. He said he was shocked to find out that some millionaires in this country were still paying taxes." --Jay Leno

"The Trade Bank of Iraq issued the first ever credit card and now, thanks to us, the Iraqi people are free to borrow money at 30% interest. It's good to see our lifestyle over there." --Jay Leno

"I was wondering... How does this make Martha Stewart feel? O.J. goes free. Robert Blake walks. Michael Jackson is found not guilty. She made a phone call. 'Hello, is this my broker?' Prison!" --Jay Leno

"The Trade Bank of Iraq has issued the country's first ever credit card today. Catchy slogan – 'The Bank of Iraq Card. It's everywhere you don't want to be.'" --Jay Leno

"Yesterday Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger was supposed to give a speech to California voters but it was bumped so Michael Jackson's verdict could be televised. ... Arnold was really upset and said if I can't speak to the voters how are they supposed to not understand me?" --Conan O'Brien

"According to Time magazine, Christina Aguilera's music is being used down in Guantanamo Bay to torture prisoners. You know, I can't help thinking if it were only John Tesh the war on terror could have been over so much quicker." --Jay Leno

"Some politicians want to close Guantanamo. They want to get rid of our interrogators. ... Why can't we do with this what we do with other jobs in this country -- outsource them to India. If you want to torture people, put them on a computer tech support line in New Delhi for a half an hour." --Jay Leno

"Saudi Arabia today announced that contrary to a recent book published about dwindling supplies, they say they have more than enough oil for years to come. In fact, the Saudi government said today, according to their latest estimates, they have enough oil to screw us for the next 200 years." --Jay Leno

"President Bush is in a little trouble this week. President Bush's approval rating has dropped to its lowest point since he took office. In fact Bush's ratings are so low he's been offered a show on NBC." --Conan O'Brien

"Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld -- he's in the news twice this week because twice he's made statements that conflicted with statements made by President Bush. They're disagreeing a lot. As a result, Rumsfeld had to back down and admit that SpongeBob is way cooler than Pokemon." --Conan O'Brien

"British Prime Minister Tony Blair has asked President Bush to join him in asking other countries to forgiving Africa's debt. President Bush said he would like to help but he's still trying to convince Americans to forgive him for our debt." --Jay Leno

"President Bush meet with the president of South Korea. Things got off to an awkward start when President Bush asked 'Are you from the good Korea or the bad Korea?'" --Conan O'Brien

"The Supreme Court has ruled against medical marijuana, but they said nothing about recreational marijuana, so go crazy." --Jay Leno

"In Camden, N.J., an 80-year-old has been working as a prostitute or, as people are calling it, the Bush Social Security plan." --Jay Leno

"At a press conference President Bush said he's learned a lot about what it's like to live in Africa from U2's Bono. He also said he's learned a lot about what it's like to live underwater from SpongeBob." --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush held a press conference at the White House with British Prime Minister Tony Blair. President Bush likes holding press conferences with Prime Minister Blair because he doesn't have to use any interpretors. Of course, Blair still needs one to understand President Bush." --Jay Leno

"One of the topics they talked about was debt relief for Africa. Bush unveiled his plan, he wants to give everyone in Africa a tax cut." --Jay Leno

"Today President Bush sent a congratulatory message to the new president of Azerbaijan. Bush also wished the president of Azerbaijan good luck in his fight against Harry Potter." --Conan O'Brien

"Actually Mr. President, 'dissemble' means to not tell the truth, 'disassemble' is what we did to Iraq" --Jon Stewart, on the latest Bushism

"Felt revealed himself in an article cryptically titled 'I'm the guy they called Deep Throat,' in the latest issue of Vanity Fair. No doubt Felt, realizing his identity would still be partially concealed behind Vanity Fair's 87 pages of Donna Karan adds." --Jon Stewart

"Pat Buchanan, Bob Novak and G. Gordon Liddy don't like Mark Felt. Mark Felt is truly a great man." --Jon Stewart.

"President Bush delivered the commencement address at the Naval Academy. This appearance at the Naval Academy was historic for President Bush. For the first time he was on a military base and people could actually remember him being there. --Jay Leno

Earlier today President Bush was scheduled to give the commencement speech at the U.S. Naval Academy. Unfortunately there was a mix up and he ended up giving a 20-minute speech at an Old Navy." --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush paid a visit to a hydrogen fueling station. He said that hydrogen will provide the power for our automobiles in the future. You know I'm not sure president Bush really understands hydrogen. Like he kept trying to take a hit off the pump to see if it would make him talk funny." --Jay Leno

"President Bush met with Palestinian president Abbas. There was one embarrassing moment when he said to Abbas. 'I love your hit, Dancing Queen.'" --Jay Leno

"Dick Cheney was the commencement speaker at Auburn University over the weekend. He told the graduates he actually dropped out of Yale. He dropped out of Yale! You know what that means? Bush could be the smart one!" --Jay Leno

"The word is Dick Cheney is thinking of running for 2008. His catchy slogan: The Pulse Stops Here." --Jay Leno

"The U.S. Army has a new program that will allow soldiers to leave the service a couple years before their full four year contract is up. They can leave early. This is based on a plan developed by President Bush when he was in the National Guard." --Jay Leno

"The Senate finally reached a compromise to allow President Bush's candidates to be voted on without a filibuster. In a related story President Bush still thinks a filibuster is a chocolate-covered peanut bar." --Conan O'Brien

"Condoleezza Rice made a surprise trip to Iraq on Sunday. Also surprised to be in Iraq on Sunday: thousands of U.S. troops who were supposed to be home by Christmas." --Amy Poehler

"The big rumor in Washington, Dick Cheney may run for president. Let's hope that's just a Newsweek story. Cheney says he wants to run because there is still a lot of unfinished business. Like, did you know there are still a lot of countries that don't hate us?" --Jay Leno

"To show that his energy bill is about more than drilling for oil in Alaska. This week President Bush visited a plant in Virginia that turned soy beans into a clean burning diesel fuel. Which the president hopes one day will be used to fuel oil drilling machines in Alaska " --Tina Fey

"They want President Bush's approval for 'Star Wars' type weapons. In fact, after they made the announcement, Dick Cheney whispered in President Bush's ear 'I am your father.'" --Jay Leno

"The hand grenade thrown at President Bush turned out to be real. The Secret Service said today they're examining whether security changes need to be made. Duh! ... Somebody walks up and throws a hand grenade at the president and I can't get on a plane because I have a nose clipper -- hello? There's something wrong." --Jay Leno

"President Bush says he is still angry at Newsweek magazine. Newsweek is angry as well, and wants to know who read the story to President Bush." --Conan O'Brien

"Voters in Los Angeles elected a new mayor -- Antonio Villaraigosa. Voters admitted they only voted for Villaraigosa because they want to hear Arnold Schwarzenegger pronounce it." --Conan O'Brien

"The Pentagon is shutting down 180 military bases around the country. ... The administration said the closing of the bases will allow us to fund another unnecessary war." --Jay Leno

"There's a rumor Dick Cheney may run for president in 2008. If he wins, that would make him the first three-term president since Franklin Roosevelt." --Jay Leno

"Newsweek had to retract a report about the Koran. The article caused violent anti-U.S. rioting in Muslim countries. And that's too bad because up until now they really loved us." --Conan O'Brien

"When President Bush heard about it, he was outraged. He said 'I don't like books either but that's no reason to flush them down the toilet.'" --Jay Leno

"The White House is still very upset about this. They said Newsweek should have retracted the story as soon they found out they got its facts wrong. If we pulled back every time we got our facts wrong, we wouldn't even be in Iraq." --Jay Leno

U.S. military strategists say we are closer than ever to finding Osama bin Laden. Osama bin Laden? We can't even find David Chappelle." --Jay Leno

"The buzz in Washington is Vice President Cheney is considering running in 2008. Not for president -- just for exercise." --Jay Leno

"At the Cannes film festival, there were comparisons made between Bush and Darth Vader. I don't see that. Maybe Cheney." --Jay Leno

"The White House said today the Newsweek report has damaged the U.S. image overseas. And, believe me, when it comes to damaging the U.S. image overseas, the White House knows what it's talking about." --Jay Leno

"President Bush came out today for alternative fuels. He said he looks forward to the day when American invades a country for its soybeans." --Jay Leno

"According to a USA Today poll, 90% of people say prayer works very well for them in curing pain. Which is also the Republican health care plan. Keep praying!" --Jay Leno

"The big non-story this week was the plane that came near the White House and did nothing. But when President Bush heard there was a plane nearing an important building, he was immediately rushed to a middle school so he could sit there like a lump." --Bill Maher

"The president was on a bike ride. He wouldn't have even suspected anything was going on except on the way home they didn't stop for ice-cream." --Bill Maher

"The Pentagon announced they are closing more than 150 military bases around the country. If the Bush administration wants to close military bases, how about we start with the ones in Iraq? ...You know when President Bush first thought about closing bases? When he was in the National Guard." --Jay Leno

"A cable access show has a character called 'Dick Smart' and it was a talking penis, trying to tell kids about contraception. A court of appeals has laid down the law that you cannot have a talking penis on the TV. Fox News has reacted immediately and fired Sean Hannity." --Bill Maher

"President Bush was spotted carrying around a book and he told reporters he started reading the book four months ago. Apparently he still hasn't found Waldo." --Conan O'Brien

"More facts coming out today about the evacuation of the Washington. White House reporters said they were moved to a more secure location in the basement. Except for CBS reporters, Bush had them moved to the White House roof." --Jay Leno

"At the time of the alert, Dick Cheney was in the White House working while President Bush was getting some exercise in a park in Maryland. Shouldn't it be the other way around?" --Jay Leno

"This is absolutely true. During the scare Vice President Cheney was inside working while President Bush was outside riding his bicycle. So it was a typical day at the White House. Remember the last time this kind of thing happened, he was reading a children's book. This time he was riding a bicycle. How old his he -- 12? ... You laugh but as soon as they gave the all-clear he went into the kitchen to make himself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich." --Jay Leno

"Big scare down in Washington earlier today. Turned out it was a false alarm. What it was was a lobbyist airlifting money to Tom DeLay." --David Letterman

"President Bush was in Russia all this week. Today he was in the Republic of Georgia and he told the Georgian people he feels very close to them because once, during the Vietnam War, he served in Alabama." --Jay Leno

"Today is National Small Business Day. It's the day we honor a lot of small businesses that used to be big businesses." --Jay Leno

"President Bush and Russian President Putin discussed a plan to create a permanent cease fire in the Middle East. And if it works there they are going to try it on the Hollywood Freeway." --Jay Leno

“In his biggest decision ever on the environment, President Bush has moved to open up 1/3 of all remote national forest lands to road building, logging, and other commercial adventures. This is part of the No Tree Left Behind program. In fact, if you'd like to see any one of our giant Redwoods they'll be at Home Depot next weekend" --Jay Leno

"Tony Blair was re-elected for the third time. This is great news for the White House because without Tony Blair, who is there to translate the Bush foreign policy into English?" --Bill Maher

"This week British Prime Minister Tony Blair was re-elected to a record-setting third term as George Bush's bitch." --Amy Poehler

"California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger's popularity has been slipping in recent months as residents slowly begin to realize they elected Arnold Schwarzenegger to be their governor." --Tina Fey

"Congress is now considering legislation that would require people to present four different forms of identification when they apply for a driver's license. Well, that should speed up that line at the DMV." --Jay Leno

"In honor of Cinco de Mayo down in Washington, Tom DeLay is accepting all bribes in pesos." --David Letterman

"The new president of Iraq said that U.S. troops will probably be out of that country in two years. ... The bad news is they'll be next door in Iran." --David Letterman

"It has now been revealed that a Washington lobbyist personally paid for Tom DeLay's trips using his own credit card. Even more embarrassing, the lobbyist also put the purchase of Tom DeLay on his credit card." --Jay Leno

"At his ranch in Crawford, Texas, President Bush met with Saudi Crown Prince Abdullah. I think Bush got a little confused -- he thought he was having lunch with Paula Abdul." --Jay Leno

"But Saudi Arabia has pledged to fight rising oil prices. Let's hope it works out a little bit better than their fight against terrorism."  --Jay Leno

"Friday, April 22nd, was Earth Day. President Bush marked the event by riding his airborne SUV [Clip of Air Force One] to Tennessee to visit the Great Smoky Mountains, ironically our nation's most polluted National Park. But he wound up stuck on the tarmac due to a sudden burst of hail and thunderstorms because the Earth hates him so much." --Jon Stewart

"If you didn't notice Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist accompanied the president on the trip. Now, I'm going to replay some of the tape and keep your eye on Senator Bill Frist as the president speaks. [Clip of Frist not moving] ... Obviously I was not there and I was only watching this on videotape, so I am not really qualified to give a diagnosis, but it seems to me that Bill Frist was in a persistent vegetative state." --Jon Stewart

"The Vatican put up the pope's email address on their Web site. I didn't even know the pope had an email address. It's a step up. The church has historically been very slow to embrace technology. Until very recently, their idea of a laptop was an altar boy." --Bill Maher

"You're happy because its Earth Day, or as President Bush calls it, Friday" --Bill Maher

"In honor of Earth Day, Congress passed the Bush energy bill, which gives billions of dollars in tax breaks to the coal and oil companies and opens up Alaska for drilling. It's hard to hide the glee in the White House. Today President Bush appeared in front of one of those back drops that just said 'F--- You.'" --Bill Maher

"The president was supposed to spend Earth Day at a national park in Tennessee, but it had to be canceled because there was a freak hail storm. So, instead, they had a photo op at the airport because nothing says conservation like an oil man standing in front of a 747."

"President Bush took part in some Earth Day celebrations. I don't think he quite understands Earth Day. Well, like today, he helped pick up garbage at the park but the litter stick he was using was made of baby seal bone and freshly-cut ancient redwood." --Jay Leno

"President Bush's nominee for U.N. ambassador, John Bolton is in trouble because Colin Powell, among other noted Republicans, is on the anti-Bolton band-wagon. He's down to Bush, who supported Bolton yesterday, and, of course, his biggest friend, his biggest backer -- Dick Cheney. Apparently Cheney and Bolton are so close that one is always finishing the other's obscene tirade." --Bill Maher

"According to a report, there are some people who are not happy with the choice of the new pope. In fact, one of the cardinals today had a bumper sticker on their car that said 'Don't blame me. I voted for Cardinal Mahoney.'" --Jay Leno

"It has now been revealed that a Washington lobbyist personally paid for Tom DeLay's trips using his own credit card. Even more embarrassing, the lobbyist also put the purchase of Tom DeLay on his credit card." --Jay Leno

"At his ranch in Crawford, Texas, President Bush met with Saudi Crown Prince Abdullah. I think Bush got a little confused -- he thought he was having lunch with Paula Abdul." --Jay Leno

"But Saudi Arabia has pledged to fight rising oil prices. Let's hope it works out a little bit better than their fight against terrorism."  --Jay Leno

"Friday, April 22nd, was Earth Day. President Bush marked the event by riding his airborne SUV [Clip of Air Force One] to Tennessee to visit the Great Smoky Mountains, ironically our nation's most polluted National Park. But he wound up stuck on the tarmac due to a sudden burst of hail and thunderstorms because the Earth hates him so much." --Jon Stewart

"If you didn't notice Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist accompanied the president on the trip. Now, I'm going to replay some of the tape and keep your eye on Senator Bill Frist as the president speaks. [Clip of Frist not moving] ... Obviously I was not there and I was only watching this on videotape, so I am not really qualified to give a diagnosis, but it seems to me that Bill Frist was in a persistent vegetative state." --Jon Stewart

"The Vatican put up the pope's email address on their Web site. I didn't even know the pope had an email address. It's a step up. The church has historically been very slow to embrace technology. Until very recently, their idea of a laptop was an altar boy." --Bill Maher

"You're happy because its Earth Day, or as President Bush calls it, Friday" --Bill Maher

"In honor of Earth Day, Congress passed the Bush energy bill, which gives billions of dollars in tax breaks to the coal and oil companies and opens up Alaska for drilling. It's hard to hide the glee in the White House. Today President Bush appeared in front of one of those back drops that just said 'F--- You.'" --Bill Maher

"The president was supposed to spend Earth Day at a national park in Tennessee, but it had to be canceled because there was a freak hail storm. So, instead, they had a photo op at the airport because nothing says conservation like an oil man standing in front of a 747."

"President Bush took part in some Earth Day celebrations. I don't think he quite understands Earth Day. Well, like today, he helped pick up garbage at the park but the litter stick he was using was made of baby seal bone and freshly-cut ancient redwood." --Jay Leno

"President Bush's nominee for U.N. ambassador, John Bolton is in trouble because Colin Powell, among other noted Republicans, is on the anti-Bolton band-wagon. He's down to Bush, who supported Bolton yesterday, and, of course, his biggest friend, his biggest backer -- Dick Cheney. Apparently Cheney and Bolton are so close that one is always finishing the other's obscene tirade." --Bill Maher

"According to a report, there are some people who are not happy with the choice of the new pope. In fact, one of the cardinals today had a bumper sticker on their car that said 'Don't blame me. I voted for Cardinal Mahoney.'" --Jay Leno

"The cardinals said they have to be very careful in the process of electing a new pope because the pope will be interpreting God's law for them. You know, kind of the way Republican leaders do for us in this country." --Jay Leno

"Fox News broke the story with the stunning words 'We have a pope!' Exclamation point. ... Apparently Fox News is now officially a diocese." --Jon Stewart

"Bush was in South Carolina to push his plan for people to invest their Social Security money in the stock market. The stock market -- good timing! What was the second choice? The national bank of Iraq?" --Jay Leno

"A man in West Bend, Wisconsin who bought a shirt at the local goodwill store found $2,000 stuffed inside the pocket, isn't that amazing? The more amazing part is how did one of Tom DeLay's old shirts wind up in Wisconsin?" --Jay Leno

"President Bush's tax returns are a little different. He claimed the Christian Right as dependents, he declared the 2000 election as a gift, and he tried to write off all the mileage he got from 9/11" --Bill Maher

"Bush threw out the first pitch at the Washington Nationals game. Of course, it's a little different there. Their score board also keeps track of Tom DeLay's ethics violations. And when an umpire makes a bad call people chant 'Judicial activist! Judicial activist!'" --Bill Maher

"If it wasn't bad enough that it was tax day, President Bush says he's anxious to sign the new bankruptcy reform bill, which makes it a lot tougher for people in financial trouble to get help. He says that we Americans need to learn fiscal discipline. He says that as a young man he only carried one credit card and that was just to chop up the blow." --Bill Maher

"Stocks plunged again Friday, suffering their worst day since 2005 and third-straight triple-digit loss for the Dow Jones Industrial average. On the bright side, your Social Security money isn't in there yet." --Amy Poehler

"President Bush threw out the first pitch at the Washington Nationals first game at RFK Stadium. The umpire called it a ball and Bush appealed it to his friends at the Supreme Court and they made it a strike." --Jay Leno

"The pitch was high and to the right. Just like President Bush." --Jay Leno

"In his book, Jose Canseco said when Bush was a baseball team owner he had to know about steroids. But Bush said he didn't know. I guess even back then he got his information from the CIA." --Jay Leno

"Friends say that each day President Bush spends two hours playing video games. Now let's think about this -- there's a war in Iraq, gas prices have never been higher and what is he working on? Getting Spiderman to the third level. ...Yeah George loves video games. His favorite? Grand Theft Election." --David Letterman

"President Bush has chosen scientist Michael Griffin to be the new NASA administrator and he has ordered him to save the Hubble telescope and build a new manned space vehicle. It's kind of ironic isn't it? George Bush telling a rocket scientist what to do." --Jay Leno

"Earlier today President Bush gave a speech to the American society of newspaper editors. Not surprisingly the speech was entitled 'Thank you for Marmaduke.'" --Conan O'Brien

"It's spring time. It was so nice in Washington Tom DeLay was accepting cash in the park." --David Letterman

"President Bush had lunch with U.S. troops yesterday. It's been exactly two years since the fall of Baghdad and just as Bush predicted, Baghdad fell, Iraq fell, Saddam fell -- the only thing that didn't fall was the price of gas." --Jay Leno

"You know how the pope is chosen? The cardinals all vote and then the ballots are burned. You know -- the same thing we did in Florida back in 2000." --Jay Leno

"They claim now that President Bush spends two hours a day playing video games. ... Here's the good news -- that's two hours less than he spends being president." --David Letterman

"Down in Washington D.C. ... the feds jumped a guy who was behaving suspiciously and carrying two large suitcases ... Turns out it kind of had a funny ending: he's not a terrorist and the suitcases were full of cash for Tom Delay." --David Letterman

"Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld warned Iraq's new leaders against hiring their friends and family members for government jobs, and then Majority Leader Tom Delay gave the rebuttal." --Jay Leno

"Tom DeLay is in a little bit of trouble. He says he didn't know that lobbying groups were illegally funding the trips he took all over the world. Don't you love this? When ever these guys are running for office they always tell us how smart they are, how knowledgeable they are, how they know what's going on. As soon as they get caught doing something wrong 'I'm an idiot. I didn't know what was going on.'" --Jay Leno

"The College of Cardinals has set the date of April 18th for the secret vote. What they do is an elite group of robed figures meet behind closed doors and they choose the new leader. Today Bush said 'Yeah, that's how I got elected the first time.'" --Jay Leno

"Former Secretary of State Colin Powell is going to be driving the pace car next month at the Indianapolis 500. How cool is that? He said going around and around in circles will be just like briefing President Bush all over again." -- Jay Leno

"Executives at the Fox News Channel announced they're going start a Fox News financial channel. Yeah, the Fox News financial channel will be different because whenever the stock market goes down, they'll blame it on Hillary Clinton." -- Conan O'Brien

"It took almost a week, but they finally buried the pope. It would have been faster, but as of last month, no one dies now without permission of Congress." --Bill Maher

"President Bush went to the funeral, and out of reverence he was at half-smirk. ... It was kind of touch and go there for the president because they showed his face on the giant TV screen outside the Vatican where the millions were, and people booed. It could have been worse. Wait until they hear his Social Security plan." --Bill Maher

"Forty members of Congress also went to the funeral. They said it was great to be out of Washington and to get a break from all that prayer and Bible quoting." --Bill Maher

"It was reported that House Majority Leader Tom DeLay took several ethically questionable golf trips paid for by foreign lobbyists and that his wife and daughter were paid $500,000 from his own political action committee. DeLay referred to the allegations as 'just another seedy attempt by the liberal media to embarrass me with my own actions words and illegal doings.'" --Tina Fey

"President Bush flew to Rome today for the pope's funeral. It was a very somber moment, and a very awkward moment, when Bush met a group of cardinals and congratulated them on beating the Astros." --Craig Ferguson

"President Bush's approval is at an all-time low of 45 percent. He's very concerned about this. In fact he's trying to get it back up. He even asked Condoleezza Rice for a list of small countries that don't have weapons of mass destruction that we can invade." --Jay Leno

"Nine weeks after the polls closed, there is a new interim president of Iraq.  He's called the interim president because he'll only be in office until he's killed. But for the time being, he's in charge and get this, his last name is Talibani. He beat out a guy named Ahmed Terroristi by a few hundred votes." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Why this commission was not given the three previous commission reports to that same effect will be the subject of their next report, entitled, 'The Report Commission: Reporting on Report Redundancy in Commission Reporting'" --Jon Stewart, on the president's commission on WMDs

"Belgium has got President Bush really angry. In Belgium, government officials had to apologize because they recently compared President Bush's face to a chimp's. The weird part is, they apologized to the chimp." -- Conan O’Brien

"Bush was asked about the literacy problem. He said, 'We can solve the literacy if every American picked up just one piece of paper every day and put it in the trash." --Jay Leno

"There's been a lot of talk these past few weeks about living wills. You know what I'm talking about; getting things down in writing. You know, this made me think, really. In fact, I told my wife over the weekend, if I am ever incapacitated, I want her to pull the plug the minute Jesse Jackson shows up at my bedside." --Jay Leno

"President Bush is combining first lady Laura Bush's campaign for literacy with his war on drugs. It's a new program he calls, "Just spell 'no.'" --Jay Leno

"You know the difference between Jane Fonda, President Clinton and Bush? Jane Fonda's the only one that actually went to Vietnam." --Jay Leno

"Between the praying that people are doing for the Pope and the praying for Terri Schiavo, the switchboard is backed up. Christians are furious, they realize a lot of people are just talking to some guy in Bombay." --Bill Maher

"Terri Schiavo has passed away and they are still fighting about it. The husband wants her cremated, the parents want her buried, and President Bush wants to appoint her to the Supreme Court." --Bill Maher

"They say this time there will be repercussions. The officers who told Bush the lies he wanted to hear will either be fired, suspended, or transferred to work on Social Security." --Bill Maher, on the latest report on Iraq intelligence failures

"Not only can't they find Osama bin Laden, but they just fired the only guy who knew how to Tivo Al Jazeera." -- Bill Maher, on U.S. intelligence failures

"One in four returning Iraqi veterans have been diagnosed with a mental disorder. I know that sounds high, but it does include everybody who says, 'Am I crazy, or were we sent there under false pretenses?'" -- Bill Maher

"President Bush's approval rating slipped to 45 percent. In fact, it is so low today he was named an honorary Democrat." -- Jay Leno

"First Lady Laura Bush visited Afghanistan this week. The first lady said she once wrote a sixth grade term paper on Afghanistan and always wanted to visit it. And, ironically, President Bush also wrote a sixth grade term paper on Afghanistan. He was at Yale at the time." -- Jay Leno

"Gas prices continue to rise. At the gas station near my house they have a slot for your credit card and one right next to it for your 401K." -- Jay Leno

"President Bush's approval rating is at an all time low of 45%. That's below F. Bush is now doing worse as president then he did in high school ... President Bush is very concerned about it. He said 'if this keeps up I'll never get elected to a third term.'" --Jay Leno

"People are talking about Giuliani as a presidential candidate. They say it could be Giuliani versus Hillary Clinton. There's a difference between them. You see Hillary wears a Yankees hat for political reasons. Giuliani wears a Yankees hat for cosmetic reasons." --Jay Leno

"A high-ranking boy scout official has been charged with possesion of child pornography. I think I speak for us all when I say: Your move Catholic church." --Craig Ferguson

"President Bush's approval rating has dropped to 45 percent -- the lowest ever for him. The White House blames it on the fact that Bush hasn't invaded anyone in three years. ... To give you an idea how low his approval rating is, only three of the nine Supreme Court justices would vote for him." --Jay Leno

"Down in Washington they had the annual big Easter egg hunt on the White House lawn. The kids found 800 eggs and 200 John Kerry ballots from Ohio. ... No eggs were actually found but President Bush continues to claim that they're there." --David Letterman

"They had the annual Easter egg roll today at the White House and, not missing an opportunity, President Bush said the Easter Bunny would be out of eggs by the year 2030 and that 4 percent of all their eggs should be put in a private account." --Jay Leno

"India is upset with President Bush because Bush has agreed to sell F-16 fighter jets to Pakistan, which India doesn't want. And this could cause a problem because if the U.S. goes through with the sale, India says they will stop answering our computer questions." --Conan O'Brien

"Arnold Schwarzenegger may be in trouble. It's been reported that Arnold Sch
"India is upset with President Bush because Bush has agreed to sell F-16 fighter jets to Pakistan, which India doesn't want. And this could cause a problem because if the U.S. goes through with the sale, India says they will stop answering our computer questions." --Conan O'Brien

"Arnold Schwarzenegger may be in trouble. It's been reported that Arnold Schwarzenegger may go on trial this year for groping a reporter's breasts. When asked about it, he said 'I didn't want to but Barbara Walters kept insisting.'" --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush met with Mexican President Vicente Fox at his ranch in Texas. There was an awkward moment when Bush asked the Mexican president 'So how did you sneak in here.'" --Conan O'Brien

"It appears the parents of Terry Schiavo have run out of options. The Supreme Court declined to intervene, thus representing the 10th legal judgment in favor of Mrs. Schiavo's husband and guardian, Michael -- meaning the Schiavo feeding tube will soon be removed - from the cable news networks." --Jon Stewart

"There was a big screw up on American Idol. The phone voting was all mixed up. They had a complete revote tonight. That's what I love about our country. When there's a voting problem with our presidential election, what did that take, three months? When some stupid Karaoke show has a voting problem... Oh my God! Get on the phones, and the next day it's fixed." --Jay Leno

"The average price of gas is now $2.11 a gallon, and here in California, it’s $2.30 a gallon.  Here in L.A., it is literally cheaper to buy a new car than to fill your gas tank. Literally. Oprah tried to give away a car to someone in her studio audience today, and the woman spit in her face." --Jimmy Kimmel

“On the second anniversary of the invasion of Iraq gas prices in L.A. reached three dollars a gallon in some places. Didn't we win that war? I mean, I know there were no weapons of mass destruction but apparently there's no gas there either." --Jay Leno

"Congress is investigating steroid use in baseball. Apparently we've cured cancer and all the other problems of the world so now were starting on this one." --Jay Leno

Congress today conducted an under cover investigation of steroids in baseball. Their conclusion -- the Chicago Cubs are just months away from getting nuclear weapons." --Craig Ferguson

"There is a 24-hour surveillance team monitoring Martha Stewart's whereabouts. Nothing yet on al Qaeda." --David Letterman

"How many folks saw the congressional hearings on steroids? I like this. One congressman said baseball can't be trusted. And I thought well, no, not like we trust Congress." --David Letterman

"Senate Republicans are so committed to keeping this women alive that as a last ditch tactic today they subpoenaed her because it is a federal crime to harm someone who is called to testify before Congress. They said they didn't think she'd be a great witness but she had to be better then Mark McGwire." --Bill Maher


"Congressman Davis says the investigation may not end with baseball. [Clip of 'Meet the Press' with Russert: 'What authority does your committee have? Could you look into drugs in Hollywood, drugs in the music industry?' Davis: 'Rule Ten, clause 4C2 gives us the ability to hold a hearing on any matter at any time.] Any matter at any time? Enron, Halliburton, no WMDs, Abu Ghraib? And you went with baseball? Way to go." --Jon Stewart

"During an interview Condoleezza Rice describes her stance on abortion as 'mildly pro-choice,' which means she would support abortion, except in cases where the woman is pregnant." --Amy Poehler

"According to the New York Times, a commission due to report to President Bush this month will claim that our intelligence regarding Iran's weapon program is inadequate. Today Bush said 'Hey, good enough for me. Let's invade." --Jay Leno

"Yesterday Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger gave a 40 minute speech without any notes. When asked what Arnold spoke about, the crowd said 'how the hell should we know?'" --Conan O'Brien

President Bush's Social Security plan is in trouble, and Republicans are angry. They say everyone is attacking it and it is still a work in progress. They said, 'Of course it's not clear what the solution is -- we're still inventing the problem.'" --Bill Maher

"Alan Greenspan, our Fed chairman, said that Bush's budget is such a mess that we're going to have to either cut spending, raise taxes or start a national sales tax. You know what that means -- war with Syria." --Bill Maher

"President Bush's parents called him this week and said, 'You cannot have another war until you've finished the ones you've started.'" --Bill Maher

"President Bush has started to make plans for what he is going to do after he leaves the White House. He better hurry up because under his plan he sure won't be able to live under Social Security." --Jay Leno

"Have you seen the cover of Newsweek? They have Martha Stewart on the cover, but it's not actually Martha. It's a doctored photo. They put Martha's head on a slimmer woman's body. And Martha was very upset about this. She said, 'Hey, if I wanted my face on another woman's body, I'd stay in prison.'" --Jay Leno

"Despite the president's best efforts, all evidence suggests lingering public skepticism about his proposal to reform Social Security, particularly amongst retired people. In fact, a whole American association of them has come out against it. I speak of course of the AARP. ... The 35-million member group is running several national ads claiming the Social Security program is basically sound and not in need of a major overhaul. And these are old people. They hate everything. ... But according to USA Next, a rival lobbying group, the AARP's real agenda is anti-troop and pro-gay marriage. ... USA Next is brought to you by the same backers who brought you last year's Swift Boat Veterans for Truth. So you know their heart is in the right place." --Jon Stewart

"The Bush administration is trying to look on the bright side of the rising fuel costs. You see, I like President Bush, I'm not sure he understands these complex issues. Like today he said sure it's now costing us more then $51 for a barrel of oil, but thanks to our poor trade policy the dollar is worth way less. So it evens out." --Jay Leno

"I want to begin with some kudos to the Supreme Court. ... They have taken a lot of hits over the years. Obviously, I have had a bit of a checkered history with the Supreme Court ... words have been exchanged, naked photographs of them have been printed. But today they did themselves proud. The court ruled it was illegal for states to execute 16 and 17-year-old criminals. Now you will recall three years ago they also deemed it unconstitutional to execute the retarded. And I just want to take this opportunity to thank the United States Supreme Court for everything that its doing to keep our show's core fan base alive." --Jon Stewart

"The United Nations said today that by the year 2050 the world population will have increased by 40% -- mostly in countries that struggle to provide adequate health care and education. Hey, that's us" --Jay Leno

"The United Nations said today that by the year 2050 the world population will have increased by 40% -- mostly in countries that struggle to provide adequate health care and education. Hey, that's us" --Jay Leno

"President Bush is home from his European adventure. ... Thank god he is safe because he's not that popular over there. To ensure his safety they had to seal off whole areas of towns, they screened everyone who got within a mile of him and, most importantly, they sewed a Canadian flag on his backpack." --Bill Maher

"Martha Stewart is getting out of prison so today the terror alert was raised from Orange to Pesto." --David Letterman

"We've had more mudslides than the Bush twins on spring break" --Bill Maher, on the weather in California

"President Bush just got back from Europe. He brought along a team of interpreters with him. It's the same guys he uses when he travels around America." --Jay Leno

"Bush is denying reports today that he plans to invade Iran. Oh, we're still going to invade, we just don't have any plans." --Jay Leno

"Bush says the idea that the U.S. is going to be attacking Iran is ridiculous and you know what that means? We will be attacking Iran." --David Letterman

"Bush spoke of the diplomatic progress he was making with Europe. [Clip of Bush: 'When we talk about Iran that's a place that I am getting good advice from European partners.'] Ohhh good advice? What did you learned from your European partners. [Clip of Bush: 'Iran is not Iraq.'] Although they do sound very similar. Are you sure you bombed the right one?" --Jon Stewart

"President Bush said he had a great trip to Europe. He would have loved to have stayed longer but with the falling U.S. dollar he just couldn't afford to do it." --Jay Leno

"George W. Bush admitted that he once smoked marijuana. Yeah, he said he would like to get high and then listen to John Ashcroft sing 'Let the Eagles Soar.'" --David Letterman

"We have had so many thunderstorms, ... California has experienced a series of blackouts. Or as President Bush calls them, the college years" --Jay Leno

"Right now President Bush is in Europe, he's in Germany, and he stopped in Frankfurt and he got off the plane and he electrified the crowd with 'Ich Bin ein frankfurter.'" --David Letterman

"President Bush had dinner last night with the French President Jacques Chirac and in one, kind of awkward moment, President Chirac gave Bush a souvenir statue of the Eiffel Tower and Bush said 'Oh this is great a little oil rig! I love it!'" --Jay Leno

"President Bush said when he goes to Europe, he's looking forward to talking about how we can extend peace even further around the world. Then the Pentagon told him, 'You know, Mr. President, we really don't have enough ammunition left to do that.'" --Jay Leno http://politicalhumor.about.com/

"Doug Wead, a former Assembly of God minister who was Bush's contact for the Evangelical community, secretly taped President Bush's phone conversations for like three years. Turns out the guy, he said he thought it was moral to record someone who was destined for greatness. That's the same excuse Paris Hilton's boyfriend used." --Jay Leno

"On the tapes President Bush criticized Al Gore. Remember Al Gore admitted to using marijuana? Bush said he would never would answer that question because he wants to set a good example for kids. He doesn't ever want them to say 'Hey Daddy, President Bush tried marijuana, so I will.' So now instead when parents say 'Son you been smoking dope,' they can say 'Hey Daddy, President Bush didn't answer that question and I'm not going to answer it either.'" --Jay Leno

"In a speech today President Bush said contrary to reports, he has no plans to attack Iran. The president said 'That's ridiculous. We didn't even have plans when we attacked Iraq.'" --Conan O'Brien

"A state assemblyman here in California has introduced a compassionate care law which would allow California to become the second state in the nation to allow assisted suicides. Again do we need this? Between the floods, the earthquakes, and the crime, living here is assisted suicide." --Jay Leno

"It seems a friend of the Bush family, Doug Wead -- I think he's Linda Tripp's first husband if I'm not mistaken -- secretly taped a number of conservations. Bush admitted as a young man he smoked marijuana but he quit when it interfered with his drinking. ... Although he acknowledged trying marijuana, no one has come forward to verify they've actually seen him do marijuana, so it's like the National Guard thing all over again." --Jay Leno

"There was a story about this old friend of George W. Bush's -- they would have long conversations on the telephone -- and this friend tapped these conversations. And now he's written a book. It's a horrible thing to have happened. But in these tapes, President Bush admits at one time he tried marijuana. .And if you think that's stunning there's a secret tape of Osama bin Laden and he admits to one time trying pork. ... And I know what you're thinking? How the hell did someone trick George W. Bush." --David Letterman

"President Bush met with the king of Belgium ... and said 'I love your waffles.'" --Craig Ferguson

"Jeff Gannon ... He is a White House correspondent who has been lobbing softball questions at the president and his press secretary, turns out he is actually a paid escort for wealthy homosexuals. ... He actually had two jobs -- one obviously was sleazy and shameful and the other was a gay male prostitute. ... I think I know what Bush meant now when he said he has a mandate." --Bill Maher

"Amid this stuff with Jeff Gannon what is our new Attorney General Alberto Gonzales doing as his first act of office -- going after the porn industry. ... Apparently this is the guy who is pro-torture but anti-porn. You can put somebody on a leash and wag wieners in his face but don't film it." --Bill Maher

"The president said today the U.S. does not intend to attack Iran but then he said quote 'but you never want a president to say never.' And he said if his position does change he will make that information public in a time-honored appropriate manner -- by leaking it to a gay prostitute." --Bill Maher

"President Bush, as of this weekend, is heading for Brussels for a fact finding mission. First fact -- Where's Brussels?" --Bill Maher

"Iran said yesterday they will shoot down any of our drones. You know what our drones are? They're those planes without any pilots. We got the idea for that from Bush and the National Guard." --Bill Maher

"It's been reported that in the event of an emergency situation with North Korea the U.S. is prepared to send 70% of the Marine Corps to the region. According to President Bush this will still allow us to send another 70% to Iran and keep our other 70% in Iraq." --Tina Fey

"A leading Republican said Sunday that President Bush is so worried about Social Security that he is only able to sleep ten hours a night." --Tina Fey

"Here's some interesting presidential trivia – historians this week named Warren G. Harding the dumbest president of all time. I understand President Bush is demanding a recount." --Jay Leno

"Last week CNN's news director Eason Jordan resigned from his post after a remark he made at an allegedly off-the-record session at the Davos conference in Switzerland. Jordan had said he felt U.S. troops had been targeting journalists in Iraq. A blogger at the conference published Jordan's comment on a Davos blog. It was then picked up by the National Review online, reprinted on a blog of a radio talk show host and finally appeared in the Washington Post. That's the Washington Post's new motto 'You heard it here, Twelfth.'" --Jon Stewart

"George Bush is requesting an additional $82 billion -- $82 billion for war funding. Of course that would include Afghanistan, Iraq and a country to be named later." --David Letterman

" Bush asked Congress yesterday for an additional $82 billion in emergency spending for the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. If granted, it would put the cost of the war in Iraq at about $200 billion, which I believe is around exactly what they told us the war would cost when they started the war two years ago. [Clip of USAID Administrator Andrew Natsios: 'The American part of this will be $1.7 billion. We have no plans for any further funding on this. ... In terms of the American tax payer contributions this is it for the U.S.'] Well, to be fair, 2003 dollars, if you adjust it for inflation, it is only $198 billion off, with a margin of error of we have no idea what we are doing." --Jon Stewart

"In a new book just coming out, a top presidential historian ranks President Harding as the dumbest president of all time. After hearing this President Bush said 'Tanya Harding was president?'" --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush wants a further $82 billion for the war in Iraq and Afghanistan. $82 billion more he wants. If he's not careful there's going to be no money left to attack Iran or Korea." --Craig Ferguson

"Dick Cheney said there is no way he will run for president in 2008 even if he was begged and believe me the oil companies are begging." --Jay Leno

"North Korea has declared they have nuclear weapons, saying they need them to protect themselves from a hostile United States. President Bush said today North Korea has nothing to fear from America. He said 'don't these people understand we only attack countries that don't have weapons of mass destruction.'" --Jay Leno

"In the wake of a successful Iraqi elections President Bush's job approval rating has jumped up to 57% or, as high teachers call it, an F." --Tina Fey

"Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice warned Iran not to develop their nuclear weapons program. She said, 'President Bush has a map in his office, and he will find you eventually.'" --Jay Leno

"North Korea announced that they have nuclear weapons and they have no plans to give them up. The White House, acting quickly, announced their plan to invade Iran." --Craig Ferguson

"Condoleezza Rice has warned Iran to stop its nuclear program. They say stop the nuclear program or face the next step. ... And the next step being fabrication of evidence and then we march right in." --David Letterman

"Bush's new budget proposal's cut $1.1 billion from the federal food stamp program. I guess the president feels if rich people aren't going to get their full tax cut for a while, the poor people with food stamps should have to help out too." --Jay Leno

"In an interview yesterday, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice says she's always loved Beethoven. When he heard this, President Bush said, 'What a coincidence, I've always loved that movie too.'" --Conan O'Brien

"This week in Washington a fake journalist ... was able to get into a White House press conference and actually ask President Bush a question. Luckily someone recognized Geraldo and got him out of there." --Conan O'Brien

"The U.S. Postal Service issued a new stamp of Ronald Reagan today. I can't wait for the George W. Bush stamp. That's when your letter goes to Iraq for no reason and the stamp can't explain why." --Craig Ferguson

"According to a new poll only 44% of Americans approve of President Bush's new plans for Social Security. 44%, or as Bush calls that, a mandate." --Jay Leno

"The president announced today new budget slashes. And he's slashing education. It is a genius plan -- when the kids graduate they won't have the math skills to calculate how much debt they're actually in." --Craig Ferguson

"President Bush unveiled his new budget proposal yesterday. They called for eliminating money for Amtrack. Yeah, or as Bush explained it, choo choo go bye bye." --Conan O'Brien

"A lot of American companies are now moving into Iraq. Iraq now has Pizza Hut, Subway, Taco Bell and Popeyes fried chicken. Instead of oil for food we're giving them oil in food." --Jay Leno

"Potentially world-changing events going on in the Middle East as Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon and new Palestinian president Mahmoud Abbas agreed earlier today on a cease fire. Traditionally, these cease fires come about a month after a Trump wedding and last about half as long." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Good news for the Eagles. Even though the Patriots won 24-21, since it is Florida they are entitled to a recount." --Jay Leno

"As you know President Bush has been traveling around the country trying to sell his new Social Security plan. He wants to take our retirement money and invest it in the stock market. He says nothing can go wrong. I'll mention that to Martha Stewart the next time I see her." --Jay Leno

"Today they announced the big winner of the Iraqi election -- Halliburton." --Jay Leno

"In an interview Dick Cheney said he will not run for president in 2008 -- he figures eight years of being president is enough." --Jay Leno

"Attorney General Alberto Gonzales started his first week on the job. Remember those two naked statues that John Ashcroft had covered up when he took the job? Well they're naked again but now they just have leashes around their necks." --Jay Leno

"In a speech last week about the Iraqi war Lt. Gen.James Mattis said it is fun to shoot some people, and today Robert Blake said tell me about it." --Jay Leno

"In his State of the Union Address, President Bush announced a new initiative to keep young people out of gangs, a new program called Do Right And Follow Through (D.R.A.F.T.)." --Tina Fey, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

"President Bush says that his policies will bring clear skies and thick forests. As opposed to his first term, which was thick skies and clear forests." --Jay Leno

"A Marine general who served in Iraq is in trouble this week for saying said it is fun to shoot people. Thanks to his remarks he now has now received a job at the LAPD." --Craig Ferguson

"It was a long, dull speech. Halfway through, Ted Kennedy sent drinks over to the Bush twins." –David Letterman, on Bush's State of the Union Address

"Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice left for Europe this morning with a plan to visit every country that sided with the U.S. in the war on Iraq. She should be back in about a half an hour." --Craig Ferguson

"A lot of people dipped their fingers in purple ink to show solidarity with the Iraqi voters. And did you see Dick Cheney? He had five fingers that were purple and then they realized that's just from bad circulation." --Jay Leno

"President Bush made his case with Social Security reform. He said if you have a Social Security check you might want to cash it first thing in the morning." --Jay Leno

"President Bush's nominee for attorney general, Alberto Gonzalas, was approved by the Senate. For a while it looked like he wasn't going to make it, before a group of senators changed their vote after they were dragged into a room and forced to make a naked pyramid." --Jay Leno

"Tonight in his speech, President Bush introduced his plan for Social Security. His plan: take the security part out of it." --Jay Leno

A quick reminder for all Iraqis watching -- the crooked voting machines are due back to Florida by Friday. " --David Letterman

"Iraq's interim president says that thousands of Iraqis couldn't vote because they ran out of ballots. Things are so bad that they have declared a state of Ohio." --Craig Ferguson

"This week the mayor of Baghdad said he would like to erect a statue of President Bush in the middle of the city. Then the mayor of Baghdad said, unfortunately there is no middle of the city." --Conan O'Brien

"You know there was a bounty on Osama bin Laden -- $25 million and they have now doubled it. $50 million is the bounty on Osama bin Laden. And it makes sense because if you're a goat farmer in Tora Bora, $25 million just isn't going to get your attention." -David Letterman

"How about this for a mystery? Over in Iraq, United States authorities have admitted that $9 billion is missing. They have misplaced $9 billion in Iraq. Wow. I am fairly confident they'll find it though. It's probably some where with the weapons of mass destruction." -David Letterman

"According to the Congressional Budget Office, Social Security will be completely depleted by 2052, completely broke. Again I don't think President Bush understands these issues. He says 2052 -- well, that's all right, by then all our old people will be dead." --Jay Leno

"The election was such a success, today Dick Cheney said, 'We're so close to that oil, I can taste it.'" --Jay Leno

"Lord knows we're all pleased that they're holding up their ink-stained index fingers to the cameras, and not the other finger that they could certainly hold up, given the fact that they still don't have electricity." --Jon Stewart, on Iraqi voters

"President Bush said today he wants another $80 billion in Iraq funding. So when he said Iraq isn't free yet, he ain't kidding." --Jay Leno

"The U.S. Mint has released a new California state quarter. On one side is Governor Schwarzenegger's head and on the other side is the rest of his head." --Craig Ferguson

"The U.S. authority in Iraq has misplaced $9 billion. You know where we should look for the $9 billion -- under the weapons of mass destruction." --Craig Ferguson

"Iraqi politicians are telling voters that if they don't vote for them they will go to Hell. Imagine using religion to try and get votes. Thank God our people would not do that." --Jay Leno

"Happy Birthday to Vice President Dick Cheney who turns 64 this Sunday. Isn't that lovely. He plans to spend the day with his loved ones, Shell and Exxon." --Craig Ferguson

"How many times do I have to tell you guys, if it's in the paper and not about a cat eating lasagna, I haven't read it." --Jon Stewart, on Bush saying he hasn't followed the Armstrong Williams scandal, in which the Bush administration paid the commentator to promote the No Child Left Behind Act

"President Bush held the first news conference of in his second term against the back drop of revelations that the administration has been paying columnists to report favorably on their policies and other reporters complaints about strong arm tactics and lock step spin. [Clip Bush: 'There needs to be a nice independent relationship between the White House and the press and the administration and the press.'] Absolutely. Completely independent. The White House has its press and you guys can have yours." --Jon Stewart

"President Bush has a plan to shrink the record budget deficit. Today he put all the blue states on Ebay. Every one of them." --Craig Ferguson

"Condoleezza Rice was confirmed by a vote of 85 to13, despite a contentious but futile protest vote by Democrats. By the way, for a fun second term drinking game, chug a beer every time you hear the phrase 'contentious but futile protest vote by Democrats.' By the time Jeb Bush is elected, you'll be so wasted you won't even notice the war in Syria." --Jon Stewart

"Iraqi officials are worried about the upcoming election. They think they could lead to a civil war. At this point wouldn't a civil war be an improvement?" --Craig Ferguson

"Attorney General John Ashcroft bid farewell to the Justice Department with a goodbye address. The voluntary resignation came as a bit of a disappointment to the attorney general, who had hoped to be raptured out of office." --Jon Stewart

"SpongeBob SquarePants -- he's here, he lives in a pineapple under the sea, get used to it." --Jon Stewart

"Attorney General John Ashcroft said his farewell to Washington. He said now that he retired he is going to do some of the things he never got a chance to do, like read the Constitution." --Jay Leno

"The latest reports say that President Bush is going to double the reward for capturing Osama Bin Laden from $25 million to $50 million dollars. $50 million, which sounds like a lot until you think the Mets spent $119 million to get Carlos Beltran." --Jay Leno

"Five more days till the Iraqi elections. I am going to make a prediction -- I'm going to go out on a limb and bet the winner will be name Muhammad something." --Jay Leno

"In Washington President Bush has asked Congress for another $80 billion to fight the war in Iraq. Wouldn't it be cheaper to just buy Iraq?" --Craig Ferguson

Jon Stewart: "Finally, the moment we've all been waiting for –- the official halfway point of the Bush presidency."
President Bush: "I George Walker Bush do solemnly swear…"
Stewart: "At which point 49 percent of the country also solemnly swore."

"President Bush had his swearing in. Actually a few Democrats are still swearing." --Jay Leno

"There were a total of ten balls last night and President Bush went to all ten. He even went to the Texas Air National Guard ball but no one recalls seeing him there" --Jay Leno

"And now you know what is next -- the big Iraqi election. You can feel the excitement for the election here in New York. All the cabbies have their Allawi bumper stickers. Prime Minister Allawi is not that popular in Iraq but the public loves the Allawi twins -- Courtney and Zabiba." --David Letterman

"President Bush is being criticized because his inaugural celebration cost $40 million. When asked about it, the president said, 'Sorry, but my daughters insisted on an open bar.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Some people are criticizing President Bush for spending $40 million on his inauguration, but hey, give the guy a break, he's excited. After all, this is the first time he's really been elected." –Jay Leno

"Washington DC is on high alert for this week's inaugural event for President Bush. Anti-aircraft missles have been deployed near the capitol. F-16's are patrolling around the clock and every bartender in town is on strict orders -- do not serve the Bush twins." --Craig Ferguson

"It was so cold that for the inauguration tomorrow they may need to use jumper cables to start both the president's limo and Dick Cheney." --Jay Leno

"One embarrassing moment during the rehearsal, they asked President Bush if he thought of his inauguration as a gala event and he said 'Hey as long as none of them try and get married it is fine with me. They are all welcome to come.'" --Jay Leno

"Republican speech writer Peggy Noonan said that the president's second inaugural speech usually refers to all their accomplishments of the past four years. So the good news it should be a pretty short speech." --Jay Leno

"Security is unbelievable, the only Arab allowed in any of the parties has to show proof that they own an oil well." --Jay Leno

"So everything is being done to assure a smooth passage. I'm starting to worry about President Bush again, when he was told that Condoleezza Rice had been confirmed today he said 'I didn't even know she was Catholic.'" --Craig Ferguson

"Did you hear about this? The U.S. is sending a top secret reconnaissance team into Iran. How secret can it be if a dumb ass like me knows about it?" --David Letterman

"Security is a big issue this year. So the Secret Service announced that people attending President Bush's inaugural ceremony will not be allowed to bring coolers or alcoholic beverages. In other words, the Bush twins will not be going." --Conan O'Brien

"Some groups are calling on people to fast and pray on the day of Bush's inauguration to protest the re-election. That's not going to work. The people who fast and pray are the ones who voted him in. That's his audience." --Jay Leno

"At her confirmation hearing as Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice said it's time for the United States to start using more diplomacy. You know what that means -- we're running low on ammunition." --Jay Leno

"News from Washington -- Condoleezza Rice ... says there are no plans to invade North Korea, which can only mean one thing -- they don't have any oil." --Craig Ferguson

"You know election day in Iraq is only two weeks away. In preparation we are sealing the Iraq's borders. We can't even seal California's borders so how does that work?" --Jay Leno

"Traditionally the president's inaugural committee pays for these expenses; this time around it's stiffing the District of Columbia with a 12 million dollar security bill -- just their way of saying 'thank you' to the community that went nine-to-one for the president's opponent." --Jon Stewart, on security expenses for Bush's inauguration

"In an interview in USA Today, President Bush said he is not wasting any more money on programs that are not working. Well that's good news. I guess the war in Iraq is over." --Jay Leno

"Last night on '20/20' Barbara Walters interviewed President Bush and his wife at the White House on the eve of his second inauguration. And like all of her interviews Walters did not shy away form the difficult questions. Are you a cat person or a dog person? Of course with President Bush the questions don't need to be difficult to seem difficult. Walters: 'What three words most describe your state of mind.' Bush: 'Excited, hopeful and appreciative.' You know he wanted to say 9/11 but he couldn't figure out how many words that was." --Tina Fey

"President Bush gave a speech honoring the life of Martin Luther King today. And then he said, Mr. King hosts my favorite CNN show." --Jay Leno

"One week from tonight President Bush will be sworn in, once again, as president of the United States. This will mark only the second time in four years that he's had his hand on a book." --Jay Leno

"Of course, this will be a lot less crowded then the last one because we have fewer allies." --Jay Leno

"It was also announced that on the night of the inauguration, President Bush will attend nine parties in one night -- nine parties. Trying to break his old record at Yale." --Jay Leno

"President Bush says now, boy this is unbelievable, Saddam Hussein did not have weapons of mass destruction. Oh! I'll be darned. But President Bush says there is strong evidence that Saddam Hussein had an illegal nanny." --David Letterman

"The White House officially concluded today there are no WMDs in Iraq. What a though couple of months it has been for George Bush? This month -- no weapons. Last month -- no Santa."--Craig Ferguson

"President Bush announced tough new reading standards for high school students. He wants ninth graders to read at an eight grade level by the time they are in 12th grade." --Jay Leno

"We have officially stopped the search for weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. And as you know we didn't find any. Thank God we found that out before we did anything crazy! Imagine if we had gone in there before we found that out!" --Jay Leno

"So the president doesn't read the papers. The only real information he gets he gets from his loyal aides and even when he goes to a town hall meeting, to meet the people, they have been pre-selected. Our president is living in the 'Truman Show'. Nothing happens around him that isn't planned. I don't even think he knows we're out here watching." --Jon Stewart

"President Bush announced today that he wanted to institute a test to insure that high school students are reading at their grade level. Bush said the program was necessary because a lot of their students weren't reading at their grade level; they were reading at presidential level." --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush admitted today that there are four areas of Iraq where it will be very difficult for people to vote. The east, the west, the north, and the south." --Jay Leno

"President Bush said, and this is the actual quote, 'The election will go ahead as scheduled, it doesn't matter if nobody votes -- the important thing is to say you held an election.' Worked in Florida." --Jay Leno

"President Bush is getting ready for his inauguration next week. He's working on his speech. Its a pretty good speech. So far all he has is 'ask not what your corporation can do for you but what you can do for your corporation.'" --Jay Leno

"They say that the security arrangements for the up coming presidential inauguration will be the most extensive in history. And that's just to keep the Bush twins away from the champagne." --Craig Ferguson

"The independent counsel also said that CBS failed to follow basic journalistic principles in reporting. And then today Fox said 'So?'" --Jay Leno

"CBS News today has fired four employees for wildly fabricating a news story. The good news: they all got jobs over at Fox." --Craig Ferguson

"Did you hear that Mahmoud Abbas was elected president of Palestine? I heard the votes were counted by his brother Jeb Mahmoud Abbas." --David Letterman

"President Bush has been working on his inauguration, not the actual speech but the word inaugural." --Jay Leno

"San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom has announced that he and his wife are getting divorced. See, I know that town should have never allowed straights to get married." --Jay Leno

"Donald Trump is introducing a line of hair care products. That's like George Bush publishing a dictionary." --David Letterman

"Preparations are in high gear for the Bush inauguration and it's really beginning to look bad now for John Kerry. But everybody at the White House is very excited about the inauguration. Early today the Bush twins picked the designated driver." --David Letterman

"Here's the updated concerning Ms. Beazley -- the new puppy at the White House. Today there was a biting incident involving Dick Cheney. But don't worry, the dog's okay" --Craig Ferguson

"Trent Lott, who is in charge of the entertainment for the inaugural ceremony, announced that one of the performers at the event this year will be a singer from the Lawrence Welk show, who will sing a song written by John Ashcroft. Who says Republicans don't know how to party? A singer from the Lawrence Welk show singing a song written by John Ashcroft? If they did that at Guantanamo Bay the Red Cross would declare cruel and unusual punishment." --Jay Leno

"Alberto Gonzales, nominee for the U.S. attorney general, answered some tough questions from Congress today about his role in the Iraqi prison torture scandal. But afterwards he said to make himself relax he used that old trick of imagining your audience in their underwear -- with hoods over their heads being led around on a dog leash by a women. It just helps to get your mind clear." --Jay Leno

"Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger gave his State of the State address last night. He talked about his solution to the high cost of prescriptions drugs. He says stop whining and walk it off -- there is nothing wrong with a tumor you can't walk off so get out and exercise instead of taking the drugs." -- Jay Leno

As the result of a bureaucratic slip-up, Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld was inadvertently included in the United States government delegation sent to comfort tsunami victims in Southeast Asia.

"Waves happen," Mr. Rumsfeld told survivors. "Weather is untidy. Sometimes you have to make do with the weather you get instead of the weather you want."

Mr. Rumsfeld also criticized the news coverage of the disaster. "They just keep showing the same wave over and over again," he said. TOM BURKA 1.8.05

"Some exciting news coming out of Washington. The new cabinet there has exciting new ideas. They have found a way to eliminate Social Security crisis and the war in Iraq -- draft the elderly. There you are." --Craig Furgeson

"You may recall immediately after news of the tsunami broke the Bush administration pledged aid to the region in the amount of 15 million dollars. A bold statement to the world that America is willing to spend about as much on the victims of the greatest natural tragedy in recent history as it was willing to spend on the first week of 'Spanglish.'" --Jon Stewart

"The Bush administration is proposing a change in the social security system. They want to cut benefits in nearly a third in the next twenty or thirty years. The new program is called 'good luck grandma you're on your own.' You've fallen and you can get up." -Jay Leno

"President Bush was shocked to hear Yushenko won Ukraine's run-off election. He said, 'I didn't even know Weird Al was running.'" --Jay Leno
"Osama bin Laden has released yet another audiotape saying that any Iraqi voting in the January election will be considered an infidel and will be punished by God, and he also urged people not to waste their vote on Ralph Nader." --Jay Leno

"In Cuba, Fidel Castro says that they have found a drilling site in Cuba with 100 million barrels of oil. Boy, how long before Bush says, 'People of Cuba, we are here to free you! You will no longer live under oppression and tyranny.'" --Jay Leno

"Here in New York, thousands of people partied in funny hats and popped balloons in Times Square. Those who were there said it was just like the Republican Convention, but with black people." --Conan O'Brien

Click Here for the 2004 humor archive page
Click Here for the 2005 humor archive page
Click Here for the 2006 humor archive page
Click Here for the 2007 humor archive page
Click Here for the Current humor page