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2004 Late Night Political Humor Archive:
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"As you know, Time magazine has named President Bush 'Person of the Year' --
quite an honor. Although I'm not sure Bush understands it. Like he said today,
he can't decide if he wants the free travel alarm clock or the tote bag." --Jay
Leno
The international space station is running low on food. They asked Defense
Secretary Donald Rumsfeld about this. And Rumsfeld said, you go to space with
the food you've got, not the food you want." --David Letterman
"President Bush said that he is standing by Rumsfeld. And you know what that
means, he'll be gone in a week." --David Letterman
"President Bush began making cuts in the federal budget. And to help out, the
Bush twins are switching to Rite Aid vodka." --David Letterman
"A lot of Americans are worried now. They say they can't rely on Social Security
anymore. And you know something, they're right. If you want the government to
pay for your housing and your food and your medical bills until your 80 or 90
years old you're just going to have to kill somebody and go live on death row
because that's the only way it's going to happen." --Jay Leno
"Yesterday, I received a Christmas card from Donald Rumsfeld in the mail. Would
have been nice if he had actually signed it." --David Letterman
"Congratulations to President George Bush, named Time magazine's 'Person of the
Year.' And, of course, when he heard the news he was stunned. Bush said, 'I
don't even subscribe to Time magazine.' ... I still don't think Bush quite gets
it. Today he was asking people, 'So where is Ed McMahon with my big check?"
--Jay Leno
"At his annual physical last week, the president found out he has gained six
pounds over the last year and he has pledged to loose the weight as soon as
possible. So, finding Osama bin Laden gets pushed even further down the to-do
list." --Tina Fey, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"
"Bernard Kerik says he is sorry
he'll not be able to be head Homeland Security. He said with a wife and two
mistresses he just doesn't have the time. ... He hired a nanny that may have
been an illegal alien. He had a number of mistresses and may have had mob ties.
That makes you feel secure! I mean we can't even do a background check on the
guy who is supposed to be in charge of background checks. " --Jay Leno
"Turns out Bernard Kerik had three wives, two mistresses and several girlfriends
and every cent he earned was for Viagra." --David Letterman
"President Bush had his annual physical over the weekend and Dick Cheney had his
annual autopsy. The doctor told Bush his health was A-okay and Bush told him
flat out 'Don't give me all the medical jargon. Give it to me in terms I can
understand.'" --Jay Leno
"The trade deficit swelled to an all time high of $55.5 billion. Do you know
what our number one export is now? National Guard troops." --Jay Leno
"Things are going very well for President Bush. He passed his physical. No word
yet on his mental." --David Letterman
"Former New York Police Commissioner Bernard Kerik, who was President Bush's
nominee to be the next Homeland Security chief, abruptly withdrew his name from
the nomination on Friday. So President Bush stubbornly insists on going back to
his original choice -- Superman." --Amy Poehler, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend
Update"
"The Anti-Defamation League is upset with Bill O'Reilly for suggesting to a
Jewish caller that if he is offended by Christian attempts to convert him he
should go back to Israel. Then he asked the caller what he was wearing." --Amy
Poehler
"Over in Kuwait Donald Rumsfeld held a question answer session with soldiers on
their way to Iraq. One soldier asked him a really tough question, it was kind of
embarrassing. He asked why don't we have proper armor for our vehicles. The guy
who asked the question was Army Specialist Thomas Wilson. I'm sorry, Latrine
Specialist Thomas Wilson. He has been re-assigned." --Jay Leno
Jon Stewart: "Will Rumsfeld take personal responsibility for this problem? Clip:
Rumsfeld: "I talked to the General coming out here about the pace at which the
vehicles are being armored and it is essentially a matter of physics. It isn't a
matter of money or on the part of the Army of desire. It is a matter of
production and capability to do it."] Stewart: A matter of...physics. Don't you
soldiers driving with no armor get it? Mass times velocity squared equals force.
Damn you Einstein! Rumsfeld quickly moved from physics to philosophy. Clip:
Rumsfeld: "You go to war with the Army you have not the Army you might want or
wish to have." Stewart: "Actually they go to war, the Army. You fly in
occasionally."
"Various anti-Bush groups plan to protest his inauguration by lining the streets
and turning their backs to his motorcade. You know it's not going to work though
because he's going to get out to see what they're all looking at." --Amy Poehler
"In his speech last night President Bush said this nation should never settle
for mediocrity. Then he let Dick Cheney finish the speech." --Jay Leno
"The first lady has had her staff put up 41 Christmas trees. Or, as President
Bush said, one for each state." --Conan O'Brien
"The Bush administration is now sponsoring a two day economic summit in D.C. One
of the panels is focusing on jobs in the 21st century. Of course that panel is
in India." --Jay Leno
"I am not sure if President Bush fully grasps this issue. Like he was asked
today if he has any plans to make the dollar stronger? And he said we were
thinking of making it two-ply." --Jay Leno
"How bout that Bernard Kerik, former police commissioner who was gonna be the
head of Homeland Security. You know I think he would be a great Homeland
Security director. He's had three wives and two mistresses. I mean he's used to
fighting terrorism." --David Letterman
"Condoleezza Rice brings an
impressive resume to her new job. The granddaughter of a cotton farmer, the
former provost of Stanford University, she is fluent in four languages, an
accomplished classical pianist, and even an expert figure skater. Wow, it seems
like the only thing she can't do is make peace with other nations." --Jon
Stewart
"As the New York Times noted, Rice is the president's closest adviser on foreign
policy matters, so close in fact she can even sometimes finish his sentences --
which makes one of them." --Jon Stewart
"Colin Powell resigned. His replacement is Condoleezza Rice. It’s her job to
continue to make sure the world hates us." --David Letterman
"Down in Washington, D.C. today a man tried to climb the fence to the White
House. Luckily the man was knocked over by fleeing Bush cabinet members."
--David Letterman
"There was a scary moment over the weekend when Dick Cheney was rushed to the
hospital for heart problems. Don’t kid yourself, this is serious. Cheney has had
four heart attacks ... and for a few minutes Bush was actually in charge."
--David Letterman
"Kind of a scare this weekend. Vice President Dick Cheney went to the hospital
after experiencing shortness of breath. I guess he panicked when he saw the
price of oil going down." --Jay Leno
"Tony Blair met with President Bush at the White House yesterday. Did you see
their press conference? They’re kind of like the before-and-after commercial for
Hooked on Phonics." --Jay Leno
"I tell you, first Ashcroft retires, now Arafat dies. This has not been a good
week for religious radicals." --Jay Leno
"Here’s some good news. It looks like we’re making quick progress over there in
Iraq: Today in Fallujah, they banned gay marriage." --Jay Leno
“As I’m sure you’ve heard,
‘Operation Phantom Fury’ is now underway in Iraq. You know, where are we coming
up with the names for these missions? ‘Phantom Fury’? What is President Bush
dipping into his comic book collection now? What’s next ‘Operation Green
Hornet’?” --Jay Leno
“If you saw the footage of Fallujah. Bullets flying through the air. Smoke in
the streets. People yelling in foreign languages. It’s like L.A. only with much
cheaper gas.” --Jay Leno
“I’m sure you know, there’s talk of Hillary Clinton gearing up for 2008. Or as
Bill calls her, ‘The Polar Express.” --Jay Leno
“Calls are pouring in from leaders around the world to Mrs. Arafat. French
President Jacques Chiraq said he hopes for the best. British Prime Minister Tony
Blair sent his regards. And VP Dick Cheney called to ask if Arafat had filled
out a heart donor card?” --Jay Leno
“Today President Bush thanked those that worked the hardest for his reelection:
Ralph Nader and Osama bin Laden.” –-Jay Leno
“President Bush says he’s going to simplify the tax code. Only the states that
are blue will have to pay.” –-David Letterman
“You know what’s interesting, at his press conference the other day, President
Bush said that he felt that, ‘the people have spoken.’ And ironically, the
people speak better than he does.” --Jay Leno
“That’s what they say, Arafat may be brain dead. That has to be demoralizing to
his people, huh? You’re leader is brain dead. Thank God that could never happen
here.” –Jay Leno
“Did you see how happy President Bush was yesterday when he found out he won?
Man he couldn’t decide whether he should give a victory speech or announce the
invasion of Iran.” --Jay Leno
“Democrats and liberals, stop saying you’re going to move because Bush won. Real
liberals should be pledging to stay because Bush won. Trust me, you can’t get
away from Bush by moving to France because that’s where we’re invading next.”
--Bill Maher
“Actually President Bush received a very gracious concession call from John
Kerry. And a very gracious collect call from Ralph Nader.” --Jay Leno
“The Republican Party is now in charge of the presidency, the Senate, the House,
and the Supreme Court. You know how they got there? They got there by saying the
liberals control everything.” --Jay Leno
“There’s a rumor that Attorney General John Ashcroft will resign before the
inauguration. The White House feels that since Bush is going to swear to defend
the Constitution, they want to make sure it’s still around.” --Jay Leno
“Ashcroft says he wants to take more time off to spend more time with the voices
in his head.” --Jay Leno
“As you know Osama bin Laden has released another video. He bragged that he will
‘bankrupt the United States.’ And today President Bush said, ‘two can play that
game, pal.’” --Jay Leno
“A quick reminder to people in Ohio, the crooked voting machines are due back to
Florida by Friday.” --David Letterman
“The president is focusing on his
agenda for the next three years. One: finishing the war in Iraq. Two: starting
the war in three other places.” --Ed Helms
“It is right now 10:04 on the East Coast. We are here at Prelude to a Recount.
We are seeing record turnout across the nation on this election day, certainly a
momentous occasion. The closest election that we have seen in ... about 4 years
quite frankly. It’s pretty much the same thing as last time. ... Except this
time the world is watching, and, quite frankly, in Iraq tonight they’re going,
you invaded us to bring us this?” --Jon Stewart
“The polls now show the two candidates in a dead heat. In case of a tie, the
presidency, of course, goes to the guy whose brother is the governor of
Florida.” --David Letterman
“As cities burn around the country, people furious that the Electoral College
has once again – I’m sorry, I’m reading Wednesday’s headlines.” –Jon Stewart
“President Bush told an Ohio reporter that he is unfazed that Osama Bin Laden
has not been caught. He said it’s only a matter of time till Osama Bin Laden is
caught. Well it better be in the next hour or he is gonna be screwed.” --Jay
Leno
Osama bin Laden put out a new video. The timing of this video has some people
upset, three days before we vote. It looks like he’s trying to influence the
election. And I’ll tell you, it’s not going to work. Americans know Osama bin
Laden does not pick our president. The Supreme Court does.” --Bill Maher
“This has been a rough week for President Bush. First those explosives went
missing in Iraq. And then bin Laden resurfaces, and now Bush can’t get the radio
in his back to stop playing Ashlee Simpson.” --Bill Maher
“Our Election 2004 Fiasco Preview begins where the fiasco began last time:
Florida. While The Sunshine State’s 2000 debacle gave all of America 36 days of
breezy, lighthearted fun, there were negative aspects as well, and the state has
been warned by God four times this hurricane season alone to never let it happen
again.” --Jon Stewart
“Might I point out, this is the
same Senator Kerry who voted against the president’s tax cuts. Now he wants to
tell you he’s for explosives not being stolen from weapons depots. Which is it,
Senator, you can’t have it both ways?” --“Daily Show” correspondent Stephen
Colbert
“If Bush loses, do you think he’ll leave? Or do you think he’ll just say, ‘I
don’t read the papers’?” --Jon Stewart
“First Lady Laura Bush said Tuesday that if her husband is elected to a second
term she would like to help juvenile delinquents with substance abuses problems.
When asked how she would do that she replied, ‘Just as I always have. By
marrying them and bearing their children.’” --Tina Fey, Saturday Night Live’s
“Weekend Update”
“Election offices opened across Florida last Monday to give black voters the
option of being turned away early.” --Amy Poehler, Saturday Night Live’s
“Weekend Update”
“They’ve already started voting down in Florida. The election is three weeks
away, and this gives them an extra two weeks to rig the results. ... They
started counting the ballots, I thought this was bizarre, Bush has a slight lead
over Gore. And now this brings us back to square one.” --David Letterman
“You know what the Red Sox proved. They proved that the team with the most money
doesn’t always win, which is bad news for the Republicans.” --Jay Leno
“Earlier today, John Kerry went hunting for geese in Ohio, but President Bush
says Kerry only did it for the photo op. The weird part is that Bush said this
while wearing a flight suit and standing on the deck of an aircraft carrier.”
--Conan O’Brien
“Neither Bush or Kerry have gotten a flu shot and both said today they won’t get
one. Ralph Nader also said he wasn’t getting a flu shot. Though in his case he
doesn’t need one because he doesn’t come in contact with any large crowds.”
--Jay Leno
“Ralph Nader’s latest complaint - he says he’s being held back by special
interest groups working against him. I think they’re called the American
people.” --Jay Leno
“It’s getting ugly and uglier out there -- Teresa Heinz Kerry said she doesn’t
know if Laura Bush has ever held a real job. Laura Bush fired back. She said she
was busy raising three kids -- Barbara, Jenna, and George W. That is a full-time
job.” --Jay Leno
“The Kerry campaign announced today they will have ten thousand lawyers at the
polls in battleground states. Ten thousand lawyers. Well, let’s hope you don’t
slip and fall on the sidewalk outside a polling place. You could be buried alive
in business cards.” --Jay Leno
“In an interview in USA Today, Teresa Heinz Kerry said she didn’t think Laura
Bush, who was a public school librarian for nine years, had ever held a ‘real
job.’ Let me tell you something, if you’re a librarian married to George W.
Bush, there is no harder job on earth.” --Jay Leno
“On the campaign trail, the president continued what has been a theme throughout
the year: John Kerry is a flip-flopper. Oh, and also consistently liberal.”
--Jon Stewart
“Yesterday, one of Iran’s top leaders announced he wanted President Bush to win
re-election. When he heard about this, Bush said, you know, for an evil-doer,
he’s not such a bad guy.” --Conan O’Brien
“Sparks were flying again today. Al Gore accused President Bush of using
religion to support his presidency. And George Bush fired back that ‘Al Gore’s
just mad because God made me president.’” --Jay Leno
“If Bush has a second term, Dick Cheney could be a candidate in 2008. A lot of
people forgot about that. But Cheney says he has no intention of running for
president for three reasons. One: He’ll be too old. Two: He’s had health
problems. And three: He’s already been president.” --Jay Leno
“Here’s some good news. Federal officials say they found another 2.6 million
doses of flu vaccine, which they will be able to distribute in January. That is,
if Bush wins. If he doesn’t, they might accidentally lose it.” --Jay Leno
“They’re doing the early voting
in Florida and there are already irregularities in the early Florida voting. You
know it’s sad when the voting goes smoother in Afghanistan than it does in
Florida.” --David Letterman
“But down in Florida in the early voting, there were computer glitches,
confusing ballots, long lines and chaos. And when President Bush heard about
this, he said, ‘Mission accomplished!’” --David Letterman
“Over the weekend, President Bush told a crowd of supporters in Florida that he
is the best protection from the draft. That’s not true. Bush’s dad was the
protection from the draft.” --Jay Leno
“John Kerry is being accused of using bad grammar to appeal to uneducated voters
because yesterday he stopped in a store and asked, ‘Can I get me a hunting
license here?’ After hearing about it President Bush said, ‘It should be ‘Can me
get me a hunting license here?’” --Conan O’Brien
“Ralph Nader said he has no intention of leaving the presidential race. It’s not
so much he wants to stay in the race. It’s just that he has nowhere else to go.”
--Jay Leno
“John Kerry said today that Bush was planning a ‘January surprise’ if he’s
re-elected. Hey, if we know who’s going to be president by January that will be
a surprise, don’t you think?” --Jay Leno
“We finally have a scandal in this election: Lesbogate. Bob Schieffer asked a
question about is homosexuality a choice, and Kerry mention Cheney’s daughter.
The Cheneys are now furious at him. They say they are very proud of her
daughter. They are so proud, she should never, ever be mentioned in public.”
–Bill Maher
“I would say Bush is relieved the debates are over. He’s so relieved that today
the radio on his back was playing soft rock” --Bill Maher
“We still don’t know what the deal is what that thing in Bush’s back, but I tell
you, if God has a sense of humor, it is something that can only be cured with
stem cell research.” –Bill Maher
“First Mike Wallace had the run in with the limo driver -- remember they threw
Mike Wallace in jail. Then Dan Rather gets caught with a fake memo, now Bill
O’Reilly being sued for sexual harassment. Do you know the most trusted news man
in America is now Geraldo Rivera?” --Jay Leno
“It’s exciting now, we are coming down to the elections and they’re just around
the corner and all that’s really left is the tinkering with the voting machines
in Florida.” --David Letterman
“There’s a new three strikes and you’re out policy. But enough about President
Bush in the debates. Let’s move on.” --Jay Leno
“In the debate, stern-faced John Kerry looked like he was at a funeral while
smiling President Bush just looked giddy. It was like a before-and-after ad for
Prozac.” --Jay Leno
“I think, even if you’re not a fan you must admit, President Bush did a little
better in the third debate. Like last night he spoke from the heart. See the
last two debates he’s tried speaking from the brain. And you see how that
works.” --Jay Leno
“At one point I was concerned about Bush ... Did he seem a little confused to
you? Because at one point, he called out, ‘State capitals for $200, Alex!’”
--David Letterman
“After the debate, Dick Cheney’s wife, Lynne, was upset that John Kerry brought
up their lesbian daughter. She said, ‘The only thing that upsets me more is the
fact that I brought up a lesbian daughter.’” --Conan O’Brien
“President Bush’s approval rating has now dropped down to 47 percent. You know
that lump on his back? Well, it’s moved to his throat.” --Jay Leno
“There are photographs of
President Bush from the first debate and he’s got some kinda lump in the back of
his coat, and the rumors are flying that he had a special radio receiver and he
was getting answers from someone off stage. Wow, it’s like he’s back at Yale.”
—David Letterman
“There’s a lot of talk in political circles about an amendment to the U.S.
constitution so people born in other countries can run for president. Apparently
this is part of Bush’s plan to outsource the presidency.” --Jay Leno
“President Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney have now come forward and
officially conceded that Saddam Hussein did not have weapons of mass
destruction. In fact, feeling the tremendous relief that came from admitting
this, they also said there’s no Santa Claus, O.J. did it, and Al Gore had really
been president for the last four years.” --Jay Leno
“Ralph Nader has criticized both Bush and Kerry for belonging to a secret
organization when they went to Yale. Is Nader one really to criticize? You know,
he belongs to a secret organization. It’s called Nader for President.” --Jay
Leno
“During the debate, Bush was asked by a lady to name three mistakes he’s made.
And Bush responded, this debate, the last debate and the next debate.” --Bill
Maher
“This was the town hall debate, and Bush says he likes the personal feel of a
town hall. There’s something about getting out there and lying directly to
people’s faces.” --Bill Maher
“There was one awkward moment where a black man stood-up to ask a question and
out of habit, Bush said ‘Clemency denied.’” --Bill Maher
“I don’t know what’s worse -- watching Bush try not to scowl, or watching him
scowl for 90 minutes.” --Bill Maher
“Tonight was the 2nd presidential debate, which was in a town hall format.
That’s where everyday Americans and not just journalists get a chance to have
their questions avoided.” --Jay Leno
“Tonight’s debate was what they called the town hall debate. Both candidates
were seated on stools. It was funny, from force of habit, Bush said ‘Scotch and
water, hold the ice.’” --David Letterman
“This is what his handlers have advised him to do after the first debate last
week: George W. Bush’s challenge now will be to stretch four and a half minutes
of meaningless platitudes into an hour and a half. That’s his challenge.”
--David Letterman
“You know what’s happening in Afghanistan? It’s their first free election. Now
this is a big thing. However they are expecting voter fraud. They’re expecting
disruption at the polls and intimidation of voters. So I guess the American
style of democracy is really catching on over there.” --David Letterman
“Did you see Cheney next to Edwards? Didn’t it look like the before and after
pictures on ‘Extreme Makeover’?” --Jay Leno
“Here’s my question, if Cheney is debating tonight who’s running the country?”
--Jay Leno
“Speaking of Cheney in a recent interview, an author who’s writing a book about
Cheney says that Dick Cheney is misunderstood and is not a monster. Then the
author admitted, Cheney told me if I didn’t say that, he would eat my children.”
--Conan O’Brien
“Political experts say President
Bush was off his game. He looked distracted, confused, a little at a loss for
words. Off his game? That is Bush’s game.” --Jay Leno, on the debate
“People are saying that George Bush didn’t do well. In fact, Kerry even picked
up the support of one of the Bush twins.” --David Letterman
“Experts are saying if this had been a game show, Bush would’ve gone home with a
handshake and a quart of motor oil.” --David Letterman
“Tomorrow night is the vice president debate between Dick Cheney and John
Edwards; the heart throb versus the throbbing heart.” --Jay Leno
“I guess this debate will be different, the vice presidential debate. Both
candidates will be seated at the table. John Edwards wanted a conference table
and Dick Cheney of course wanted an operating table.” --Jay Leno
“Right now, Dick Cheney is practicing his ‘warm sneer.’” --David Letterman
“62 million people tuned into the debate this week. That’s almost one viewer for
every time President Bush said mixed message.” --Bill Maher
“I don’t want to say who won this debate, but today the FCC is furious and is
fining the networks for showing the emperor with no clothes.” --Bill Maher
“Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia said that sex orgies relieve tension and
should be encouraged. Apparently, Justice Scalia got into group sex in 2000,
after he and a group of four other justices got together and f----d Al Gore.”
--Bill Maher
“President Bush and Senator John Kerry’s first debate was held last Thursday.
While neither candidate delivered a knock-out punch, polls indicate John Kerry
was the winner. Though Bush later complained it was because he couldn’t get his
buzzer to work.” --Tina Fey, Saturday Night Live’s “Weekend Update”
“The only reason many believe Kerry won the debate, is because about two-thirds
of the way in, Bush got sleepy and stopped using words.” --Tina Fey
“I don’t want to say Bush blew it, but this morning, hurricane victims were
comforting him.” --Bill Maher
“There were some verbal gaffes. Bush said he had met with a war widow, and
quote, ‘tried to love her as best I could.’ Which isn’t easy when there’s a guy
at the foot of the bed playing ‘Taps.’” --Bill Maher
“Last night was the first presidential debate and it lasted a full 90 minutes.
Or, as President Bush calls it, three Sponge Bobs.” --Conan O’Brien
“Bush didn’t have a good night. I don’t think he’s choked that much since the
last time he had a pretzel.” --Jay Leno
“George Bush and Laura appeared on the ‘Dr. Phil’ show this week. Among the
questions, Dr. Phil asked him what he thought about the epidemic of oral sex in
high schools. I don’t know if he understood what he was talking about, because
right afterwards, Bush cancelled all funding for Head Start.” --Bill Maher
“A lot of people underestimate President Bush when it comes to a debate. He’s
pretty good at it. You know back in college he was able to argue both sides of
that ‘Taste great, less filling’ debate.” --Jay Leno
“President Bush’s hometown newspaper in Crawford, Texas, has endorsed John
Kerry. Well President Bush doesn’t know about it, cause it was in his
newspaper.” --Jay Leno
“Of course you know, President Bush has been taking a couple days off this week
to prepare for the debates. In fact, he’s having a microchip implanted in his
ear. This will allow Dick Cheney to speak to him directly. ‘It’s pronounced
‘Fallujah’ ‘Abu Ghraib.’” --Jay Leno
“The first presidential debate is
Thursday in Florida. I think it’s Bush’s way of saying thank-you for that last
crooked election.” --David Letterman
“Everyone is talking about the ground rules. Kerry wants his podium to be tall
enough so he can rest his hands. And President Bush wants it to be wide enough
to hide Dick Cheney.” --Conan O’Brien
“I tell you, Bush is working very hard getting prepared for these debates. He
got one of those ‘Hooked on Phonics’ tapes.” --Jay Leno
“During a speech this week John Kerry said if President Bush is re-elected he
might bring back a military draft. When asked, Bush said, ‘Trust me, even if I
bring back the draft there are plenty of ways to get around it.’” --Conan
O’Brien
“Both candidates now are trying to lower expectations for how they’ll do on the
debates. For example, Kerry tried to lower expectations for himself by saying
Bush has never lost a debate and that he is a formidable opponent. Then Bush
lowered expectations for himself when he said, ‘Hey, what does “formable”
mean?’” --Jay Leno
“The two sides have been going through all sorts of (debate) negotiations.
Supposedly there’s a perspiration clause, which requires the room to be kept at
a certain temperature to prevent sweating. The Bush team wants the president to
be far enough away from Kerry that people won’t see how much shorter he is. Also
on the height issue, the Bush people want a podium small enough that he doesn’t
appear short, but still big enough that Dick Cheney can hide inside it.” --Jimmy
Kimmel
“California lawmakers just approved tough new anti-pollution legislation. If it
goes through, California would have the toughest emissions standards in the
country. Ironically, our governor owns five Hummers and chain smokes cigars.
He’s the pollutiest governor ever – the man is doing everything but burning
tires on his front lawn, and he’s passing this legislation. He also came out
strongly against steroids, foreign accents, and frequent use of movie catch
phrases.” --Jimmy Kimmel
“Bush bragged that more Iraqis say their country is on the right track than
American say our country is on the right track. Boy, there’s a campaign slogan
for you -- ‘America: More F*cked Up Than Fallujah!’” -–Bill Maher
“Republicans are now saying that Dan Rather should lose his job because he
misled the country with bogus information. Which is odd because the Democrats
are saying the exact same thing about President Bush.” --Jay Leno
“Oh, so Iraqis are more optimistic about their country than Americans are about
ours? I don’t think that helps you.” --Jon Stewart, after President Bush touted
a poll showing that the right track/wrong track in Iraq was better than in
America
“President Bush says he’s very excited about Cat Stevens. He says that we are
winning the war on singer/song writers.” --David Letterman
“It looks like President Bush and John Kerry have agreed on three debates. Kerry
wanted more but Bush said no; he thought three was a good even number.” --Jay
Leno
“There are rumors that Dan Rather could lose his job over this. Wouldn’t that be
ironic? Another American losing his job due to President Bush!” --Jay Leno
“Ralph Nader’s campaign officials say that he is on the ballot in 29 states.
Twenty-nine states. Thirty-one states if you count hopelessness and delusion.”
--Jay Leno
“President Bush spoke to the United Nations. The bad news, the nations are
united against us!” --Jay Leno
“We begin tonight with a simple, indisputable fact: as a young man, President
George W. Bush benefited from family connections to get a place in the Texas Air
National Guard, thus avoiding service in Vietnam. As you would guess, this has
led to calls for the resignation of Dan Rather.” --Jon Stewart
“President Bush addressed the United Nations General Assembly, defending the
invasion of Iraq and promising that America will spend more on foreign aid. Bush
opened the speech by saying, ‘Every country gets a free car! Zimbabwe gets a
car! Argentina gets a free car! Poland gets a free car!”’ --Drew Carey
“Bush pointed to positive signs in Iraq, like how the economy is taking off,
thanks to a booming car bomb business.” --Drew Carey
“President Bush spoke to the United Nations. A little later John Kerry spoke at
a live press conference that was seen around the world. And then Ralph Nader
spoke to some people who were having lunch next to him at the International
House of Pancakes.” --Jay Leno
“The vice presidential candidates will debate for 90 minutes, those are the
guidelines. ... They’ll debate for 90 minutes or until someone’s heart gives
out.” --David Letterman
“A Bush administration official
told Congress yesterday that the war in Iraq could cost 60 billion dollars.
Yeah, President Bush said he plans to pay for it with a video series called,
‘Prison Guards Gone Wild.’” --Conan O’Brien
“Democrats are saying that President Bush is refusing to take part in a town
hall debate with John Kerry because Bush is worried about the questions the
audience will ask him. After hearing this, the president said, ‘That’s
ridiculous. I’m not worried about the questions, I’m worried about the answers.”
--Conan O’Brien
“What’s the difference between Hurricane Ivan and President Bush? We know for
certain that Ivan was in Alabama” --Jay Leno
“There was one embarrassing moment for President Bush. When he heard there were
forged documents that had been discovered he said, What? You mean they found my
diploma from Yale?” --Jay Leno
“Over in Russia, Russian President Vladimir Putin is using terrorism to increase
his power and erode his people’s civil liberties. It’s nice to see the American
way of life catching up around the world.” --Jay Leno
“I don’t know what the big deal is about these phony documents. I mean the last
election we had phony documents. Remember the last election in Florida? They
were called ballots.” --Jay Leno
“A law banning the sale of assault weapons has expired, which means it’s now
legal to buy Uzis and AK 47s. The NRA said that now its owners can protect their
families from up to 200 burglars at once.” --Conan O’Brien
“President Bush addressed a national meeting of the National Guard in Las Vegas
this week. Bush told the crowd he’s proud of his National Guard service. He
said, ‘It was the best weekend of my life.’” --Jay Leno
“Even though Bush spoke to several thousand people at the National Guard
meeting, not a single person can remember seeing him there.” --Jay Leno
“In a speech yesterday, President Bush said it is critical that the president
speak both clearly and consistently. Then, immediately afterwards, Bush
resigned.” --Conan O’Brien
“President Bush spoke to a
meeting of the National Guard in Las Vegas today. Boy, a lot of those guys were
excited to see him. Well, sure, a lot of them have been waiting since the early
‘70s.” --Jay Leno
“Dick Cheney says the economic numbers don’t take into account all the people
making money on eBay. Yeah, if you lose your job, you’ve got to sell your car,
your clothes, your house.” --Jay Leno
“There’s a lot of controversy surrounding the authenticity of this memos shown
on ‘60 Minutes’ concerning President Bush and his service in the National Guard.
If there’s one thing you don’t want to see, it’s a president who didn’t really
win the election being brought down by phony documents.” --Jay Leno
“The White House is scrambling to bolster President Bush’s image. They are now
saying that while it is true he didn’t go to Vietnam, he did attend an early
screening of ‘Apocalypse Now.’” --Jay Leno
“Now the candidate are arguing over the exact format these debates will take.
Kerry wants to stand behind a podium, Bush wants to stand behind Dick Cheney.”
--Jay Leno
“John Kerry criticized President Bush for not renewing the ban on assault
weapons. Well, you can understand why President Bush doesn’t want to renew the
ban. These are the first weapons of mass destruction that he’s been able to
find.” --Jay Leno
“Political pundits are saying President George W. Bush has made gains in two key
states: dazed and confused.” --David Letterman
“Earlier this week, ‘60 Minutes’ featured documents that they say proved
President Bush did not fulfill his requirements for National Guard service.
Well, now there’s talk that the documents are forged. Well, of course, President
Bush is stunned. He said, ‘You mean I did show up for duty?” --Jay Leno
“According to a global poll, if the world could vote for president of the United
States, they would choose John Kerry over President Bush. However, when the poll
includes the federation of planets, then Ralph Nader wins.” --Jay Leno
“President Bush said today he has no plans to read that new book that trashes
him by Kitty Kelly. Asked why he wasn’t going to read it, Bush said, well,
because it’s a book.” --Jay Leno
“Bush toured the hurricane damage in Florida and Bush really looked surprised at
places boarded up for reasons other than his economic policies.” --Jay Leno
“It’s been reported that a record made by a band that John Kerry was in during
college has been bought for $2,500. Meanwhile, the White House said that
President Bush was in a college band, but that all the records have been lost.”
--Conan O’Brien
“According to the latest poll today, Ralph Nader is down to 1 percent of the
popular vote. 1 percent! That’s embarrassing. He’s even trailing low-fat milk,
that’s 2 percent.” --Jay Leno
"Dick Cheney said that if John
Kerry wins, there will be another attack. Then Cheney said, if Bush wins, I'll
call it off." --Conan O'Brien
"According to a new book, when President Bush was on National Guard duty he
would sometimes sneak off to smoke marijuana and snort cocaine. When he heard
this, President Bush said, 'That's ridiculous. I never showed up for National
Guard duty.'" --Conan O'Brien
"Dick Cheney is saying there is great risk if John Kerry wins. Yeah, the risk is
that Bush won't be able to find another job." --David Letterman
"Former President Clinton is wide awake and alert. I wish we could say the same
for our current president." --David Letterman
"John Kerry said Bush's middle initial 'W' stands for 'Wrong.' ... And Bush
fired back today, saying the 'F' in John F. Kerry stands for 'Phony.'" --Jay
Leno
"Ralph Nader has managed to get his name on the Florida ballot. He can't get his
name on most ballots, but he managed to do it in Florida. Gee, I wonder who
helped him there? --Jay Leno
"In a shocking new book by Kitty Kelley, acquaintances of President Bush say
that when he was in the National Guard that he liked to sneak out back for a
joint or go in the bathroom and do cocaine. Isn't that unbelievable? They
actually found people who saw Bush in the National Guard." --Jay Leno
"According to the latest polls taken right after the convention, President Bush
is way up, way up in the polls. In fact, they said if the election was held
today, the Supreme Court would re-elect him 7 to 2, which is better than last
time." --Jay Leno
"Bush and Kerry both focused on the battleground state of Ohio. See Bush knows
no Republican has ever won the White House without winning Ohio. Of course,
before Bush, no Republican had ever won the White House without winning the
election." --Jay Leno
"A Bush administration official said today we're moving closer and closer to
capturing Osama bin Laden. Of course we're moving closer, it's almost election
day. I'm predicting we'll get him, maybe, November 1st." --Jay Leno
"Tonight at the Republican National Convention, in what was called the biggest
speech of his career, President Bush took on his enemy, the English language."
--Jay Leno
"Now that Bush has accepted the nomination the next step, of course, is the
rigging of the voting machines." --David Letterman
"For the first 2 nights, the Republicans played the role of mild-mannered Bruce
Banner -- courageous, compassionate. But last night, the green, monstrously
muscled and angry face they tried to hard to conceal finally tore through their
t-shirt of civility and announced to the world, you wouldn't like us when we're
angry. ... Last night, the Republican faithful were angry. After four years of
being in charge of the House, Senate, Supreme Court and Executive branch, they
were not gonna take it anymore. ... Yeah! Down with the people who are already
down!" --Jon Stewart
"In his speech tonight, President Bush said that America should create an
ownership society. For example, if you're homeless, buy a home. Don't have a
job? Buy a company, give yourself a job. These are simple solutions." --Jay Leno
"Speaking about President Bush last night, Zell Miller said, 'I have knocked on
the door of this man's soul and found someone home.' See, he originally tried to
knock on the soul of Dick Cheney, but it had already been sold to the oil
companies. So, he went to the president instead." --Jay Leno
"Don King was at the convention. He is a big Republican. He has given out a lot
of Tyson's money. He wasn't there for the convention. He was at Madison Square
Garden to promote the big Chris Matthews/Zell Miller fight. ... Zell Miller was
just crazy. Chris Matthews was trying to interview him. The secret service had
to take him down with a tranquilizer" --Jay Leno
"That's Democratic Georgia Senator Zell Miller, building that bridge to the 18th
century." --Jon Stewart
"Arnold Schwarzenegger gave a terrific speech last night. See, that's where the
Republicans are really smart. They don't want to portray themselves as the
right-wing party so they bring in an actor to play the moderate." --Jay Leno
"Dick Cheney showed his gentle side, he flashed his warm sneer." --Jay Leno
"On Monday President Bush said
that we can't win the war on terrorism. Yesterday he said that we will win the
war on terrorism, but earlier today he predicted a tie." --David Letterman
"Word now is circulating that Republicans are not tipping the hotel staff where
they stay. And I'm thinking, Come on folks! Why not spread some of that
Halliburton loot around?" --David Letterman
"Earlier this week the Republican party held a reception for black Republicans.
Apparently the receptions was a big success. They both showed up." --Conan
O'Brien
"In an interview on CNN today President Bush said he remembers John Kerry's
anti-war testimony from 1971. And he said talking about it in the campaign is
fair game. He remembers it? I thought Bush couldn't remember anything from the
'70s." --Jay Leno
"You probably know it's been crazy here in New York City with the convention. We
have had naked people in the streets. We have had all-night parties, arrests.
And that's just the Bush twins." --David Letterman
"Over 800,000 New Yorkers left during the convention. Boy, Bush really knows how
to clear a room, doesn't he? 800,000 people leave town because of the Republican
convention. They raise the terror alert in New York to elevated, no New Yorkers
leave. A threat by al Qaeda to destroy our financial institution, New Yorkers
stand firm. Republicans come to town it's like, Get out of here." --Jay Leno
"Arnold Schwarzenegger spoke tonight at the convention. At first they were
planning on having Arnold speak on the same night as President Bush but, then
they realized, oh no, the convention interpreter's head would have exploded."
--Jay Leno
"The Republican National Convention got underway last night. Or as Democrats
call it, Fear Factor. ...Monday's theme was courage. Tuesday's is compassion.
And Wednesday and Thursday's themes are gas and oil." --Jay Leno
"Many people in Britain are upset because last night at the convention Giuliani
compared President Bush to Winston Churchill. Not only that, President Bush is
upset because he has no idea who Winston Churchill is." -Conan O'Brien
"President Bush now says the problems we're having in Iraq are because we won
the war too quickly. He says the war was 'a catastrophic success.' He's also
calling the economy a 'disastrous achievement.'" --Jay Leno
"The Republican Convention goes on all week, and of course, the highlight will
be toward the end of the week. George Bush will show up for one day, you know,
just like he did in the National Guard." --David Letterman
"If you are planning on going to the convention, even if you are a delegate,
you're going to get frisked, you're going to get patted down, you're going to
get groped, and that's just by Arnold Schwarzenegger." --David Letterman
"Our USA team ended up winning 103 medals, although I understand today, a group
of Vietnam swift boat veterans came forward to say that a lot of the athletes
really didn't earn all their medals." --Jay Leno
"The Republican National Convention is about to start up. President Bush sounds
like he's ready. Big interview with him in USA Today. President Bush says, 'I am
not going to come in second.' Again." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Bush gave an interview and he said people will vote for him because 'They've
seen me weep, they’ve seen me laugh, and they’ve seen me hug.' These are the
same qualifications for a Tickle Me Elmo." --Bill Maher
"It's now almost certain that terrorists brought down those two Russian
airliners ... When president bush was told that terrorists had just crashed two
planes, out of habit he didn't move for seven minutes." --Bill Maher
"Have you folks been following the controversy with John Kerry and his service
in Vietnam and the Swift Boat campaign? It all took place in Vietnam and now it
just won't go away. I was thinking about this -- if John Kerry had just ducked
the war like everybody else he wouldn't have this trouble." --David Letterman
"We're already starting to get
some Republicans in town for the convention. You know what that means -- by this
time next week it will be impossible to hail a cab or a hooker." --David
Letterman
"Experts are now saying that the failures of the Abu Garib prison may implicate
Donald Rumsfeld. In response, Rumsfeld stripped the experts naked and walked
them around on a leash." --David Letterman
"Actually, the reason cited by the city for shutting off the park to protestors?
Concern over the damage it would to do to the grass. One-hundred million
(dollars) spent on security, and they're hung up on lawn care. Honestly, if next
week comes and our worst problem is divots, I'll be pretty damn pleased." --Jon
Stewart
"The road to the White House turned muddy over the weekend as the Kerry campaign
charged that the president is behind negative ads that attack Kerry's record in
Vietnam. To be fair President Bush did criticize the ads saying they were too
short." --Craig Kilborn
"The Bush campaign has denied involvement in the Swift Boat ad saying that the
president has spent his entire life avoiding anything having to do with
Vietnam." --Craig Kilborn
"The Republicans are in town and they're going to be in town doing two things —
slander John Kerry and try to get laid. " --David Letterman
"President Bush is sending aid to Florida after the hurricane. Not to help the
people but to fix the crooked voting machines." --David Letterman
"The good news -- the president has announced the troops will finally be coming
home. The bad news -- not the troops you're thinking of and not for another 10
years. ... Troops stationed in such cold war hot spots like Japan, Germany and
Korea will leave and start heading home, and oh, end up in Iraq." --Jon Stewart
"The first lady raises a valid point. Since it would take years for stem cell
research to find a cure for Alzheimer's, why start? It makes no sense. If you
can only save people eventually, you're really doing a disservice." --Jon
Stewart, on Laura Bush's claim that embryonic stem cell research is too
preliminary and gives people false hope
"The President and Mrs. Bush were
on 'Larry King' last night and the president said, 'America is absolutely better
off today than it was 4 years ago.' Then he said, 'Did I say America, I meant
Chevron.'" --Bill Maher
"The president finally explained why he sat in that classroom on 9/11 for 7
minutes after he was told the country was under attack. He said he was
'collecting his thoughts.' What a time to start a new hobby." --Bill Maher
"Florida is about to be hit by Hurricane Charley. Authorities are telling people
to evacuate certain areas. You know when Florida should be evacuated? On
Election Day. Just get everybody to leave." --Jay Leno
"Cheney also warned Americans about a group that is trying to impose their
radical extremism on everyone else. He said they have no tolerance for democracy
and no tolerance for people with a different religious faith. Then he said, 'Oh
I'm sorry that's our platform.'" --Jay Leno
"Is it me or is Bush going everywhere Kerry goes? So far in the past week,
President Bush has followed John Kerry to Davenport, Iowa; New Mexico; Las
Vegas; Los Angeles; and he follows him to Portland, Oregon. The only place he
never followed John Kerry was Vietnam." --Jay Leno
"President Bush appeared with Arnold Schwarzenegger at a huge campaign event.
Only in California can a governor who speaks German and a president who can
barely speak English try to make themselves clear to an audience that's
primarily Spanish. What a country we live in!" --Jay Leno
"President Bush is trying to put a positive spin on the latest bad economic
numbers. Today he declared victory in the 'War on Jobs.'" --Craig Kilborn
"President Bush was in Florida where he asked voters to once again send him to
the White House. Voters in Florida said, 'Hey, we never sent you in the first
place. That was the Supreme Court."' --Jay Leno
"Secretary of State Colin Powell announced that he will not be attending the
Republican convention. Uh oh. So I guess they're going to have to find another
black guy." --Jay Leno
"This week, G.I. Joe celebrates his 40th birthday. And today, Republicans
questioned his military service" --Craig Kilborn
"President Bush said yesterday it doesn't make any sense to raise taxes on the
rich because rich people can figure out how to dodge taxes. Then Dick Cheney
said 'Shut up! You're ruining everything.'" --Jay Leno
"John Kerry has also proposed a ten-year plan for energy independence and
President Bush said 'Oh it's not going to take that long to get all the oil out
of Iraq.'" --Jay Leno
"When they say they served with Kerry in Vietnam, what they really mean is that
they were in Vietnam at the same time. Kind of like how Snoopy served with the
Red Baron" --Jon Stewart, on the Swift Boat Veterans For Truth, who have
attacked Kerry's military service record
"This past weekend, President Bush was in Maine for the wedding of his nephew,
Jeb's son, George P. Boy, it sounds like an episode of 'Dukes of Hazzard,'
doesn't it? 'Yeah, Jeb's boy, George P. got hitched.' In fact, when they wheeled
out the wedding cake, three oil company executives jumped out. Prince Bandar was
best man." --Jay Leno
"First Lady Laura Bush said that people shouldn't be saying that the benefits
from stem cell research are 'right around the corner' because it gives people
false hope. Then later her husband said that the economic recovery is 'right
around the corner.'" --Jay Leno
"In a huge upset, Ralph Nader has failed to gather enough signatures to get on
the ballot in California. How embarrassing is that for Nader? You can't get on
the ballot in California? Remember our governor's race? Imagine finding out
you're not up to the legal qualifications of porn star Mary Carey or Gary
Coleman." --Jay Leno
"The Republican Convention is
coming to town. It's coming up at the end of the month. Everyone is getting
ready for the convention. The crack dealers are switching to Viagra." —David
Letterman
"The federal government reported that despite much higher expectations U.S.
employers only added 32,000 jobs to the payroll this month. Even worse folks,
the jobs were all in India." —Conan O'Brien
"Here's something I thought I'd never see President Bush do. He came out today
against legacy admissions in college. You know like if the father went to the
school they say the kids get in easier. Bush says the fact that his father and
grandfather went to Yale had nothing to do with him getting into Yale. It was
simply a matter of him personally meeting with the dean and getting him high."
—Bill Maher
"They've been having a lot of trouble in Illinois finding a Republican candidate
to go up against Barack Obama. Well I think they finally found one in our own
friend Alan Keyes, you know, the African-American fire-brand conservative
preacher. The only problem is Keyes lives in Maryland. ... It's starting to look
bad for Republicans. First they couldn't find Osama bin Laden in Afghanistan,
then they couldn't find weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, and now they can't
find a black person in Chicago." —Bill Maher
"This week the Bush campaign unveiled its new slogan. The new slogan is 'We've
Turned A Corner And We're Not Turning Back.' This replaces their old slogan 'Do
What Dick Cheney Says And Nobody Gets Hurt.'" —Conan O'Brien
"The Republicans now getting ready for their big convention in New York City.
Apparently they have a plan for going into New York, but they don't have a plan
for getting out." —Jay Leno
"Baseball has come out with these John Kerry and George W. Bush bobblehead
dolls. They're pretty realistic. The John Kerry bobblehead is huge and the Bush
bobblehead is empty." —Jay Leno
"In Davenport, Iowa, while President Bush and John Kerry were giving speeches
they had three banks robberies. You know you let Washington politicians in your
town and you're going to attract the wrong element. ... Luckily both Bush and
Kerry have been eliminated as suspects. Because of his wife Kerry doesn't need
the money and, come on, nobody believes Bush is smart enough to pull off this
kind of job." —Jay Leno
"Bush and Kerry tried to plan their schedules so they're not in the same place
at the same time. A tradition they started during Vietnam." —Craig Kilborn
"President Bush told the crowd with your help Cheney and I will have four more
years. I'm sorry that was his meeting with the Supreme Court." —Jay Leno
"At a Bush rally in Colorado folks stood up and asked questions. It turns out
that they were plants. Bush knew the answers in advance. Bush said hey it worked
at Yale." —Craig Kilborn
"Have you noticed how the Republicans and Democrats try to copy each other at
their conventions. Like at the Democratic convention John Kerry's daughter told
a story about how he once gave CPR to her hamster. At the Republican convention
the Bush girls are going to tell a story about how when their hamster was bad,
their dad built them a little electric chair." —Jay Leno
"After a long investigation the SEC has fined Halliburton $7.5 million for
issuing fraudulent statements exaggerating their profits in 1998 and 1999 during
which their CEO was — oh who was it? Oh that's right. ... Cheney himself has not
been implicated in the scandal and according to Cheney's lawyer there is no
allegation whatsoever that he acted in any way other than in the best interests
of the company and its shareholders. And you know what? It's still true today."
—Jon Stewart
"The White House admitted that the latest terror threat was based on information
that was four years old. A president's spokesman said that al Qaeda plans the
attacks well in advance and then updates the plans just before attacking.
Something that Bush doesn't do." —Jay Leno
"President Bush said the other side, meaning Kerry and Edwards, just 'talks a
good game.' Well, at least nobody can accuse Bush of that." —Jay Leno
"The L.A. Times reports that al Qaeda terrorists have been traced to Iran, and
President Bush is talking tough. In fact he said he will attack the minute he
has evidence his approval rating is under 45 percent." —Jay Leno
"A lot of people are wondering if these terror threats are politically motivated
and today Tom Ridge said in a press conference: We don't do politics in the
Department of Homeland Security. Our job is to identify the threat and then
assign it a pretty little color to go with it." —Jay Leno
"John Kerry and John Edwards recently published their political promises and
strategies in a book. You see that's smart putting all their ideas in a book.
This way they're certain to keep them secret from Bush." —Jay Leno
"John Kerry told George Stephanopoulos that he has a secret plan for Iraq. But
he said he can't reveal it unless he's elected president. Bush has a plan too,
he just can't talk about it either until he's really 'elected' president." —Jay
Leno
"Bush is back in DC, that's where he goes when he wants to get away from the
ranch for a few weeks." —Jay Leno
"Dick Cheney says that terrorists attacks are caused by the perception of
weakness and then he ran back to his under ground bunker in an undisclosed
location." —David Letterman
"At the convention John Kerry
showed up with all his Vietnam crewmates. And not to be outdone, next month at
the Republican Convention George W. Bush is going to show up with all his
college drinking buddies." —David Letterman
"Last night, wow, John Edwards delivered a positive message to America that hope
is on the way, hope is on the way! And today, Dick Cheney replied, 'That is a
lie. The world is a pit of misery and despair.'" —Craig Kilborn
"The Democrats have pledged to spend over $250 million to get rid of Bush, and
that to me seems excessive. I mean really, all they need is a mountain bike and
a pebble." —Craig Kilborn
"The Democrats kept mentioning that John Kerry is a decorated war hero, but did
you know that Dick Cheney has a purple heart. Did you know that? It's from
eating steaks, not from the military, but hey!" —Jay Leno
"Now that the Democratic convention is over, the Republicans are getting ready
for theirs. Their slogan for Bush: Four more wars, four more wars!" —Jay Leno
"A bunch of brand new electronic voting machines down in Florida actually
malfunctioned two years ago during a local election, leaving absolutely no way
to do a recount and erasing any proof that anybody actually voted. You ever
noticed we never have any trouble with Lotto machines? Why is that?" —Jay Leno
"Apparently, Florida bought these new machines from the same company that makes
those machines you see in supermarkets, where you try to pick up the stuffed
animal with the claw." —Jay Leno
"Did you all hear former President Clinton's speech Monday night? It was great.
... You know it made me kind of nostalgic. It reminded me of a different time
when presidents could actually talk." —Jay Leno
"Illinois senatorial candidate Barak Obama, he's the new rising star of the
Democratic party. He gave the keynote address at the Democratic convention. When
they told President Bush about Obama, Bush said, 'Isn't that the guy we can't
find? Why don't we grab him? He was right there!'" —Jay Leno
"A computer crash wiped out voting records from Miami-Dade County's touchscreen
voting machines. ... A voting problem in Florida? ... Nooooo! Officials were
shocked. They said, 'We had voting records? Who knew?' The good news, officials
said this will not impact the election in November. Those votes will be counted
and lost by hand!" —Jay Leno
"According to a poll in Time
magazine, 53 percent of people say it's time for someone else to be president.
The other 47 percent said they were happy with Dick Cheney." -Jay Leno
"As the Democrats get revved up at their convention in Boston, President Bush is
fighting back the only way he knows how: by going on vacation! Ah, it's nice to
take a vacation to replenish your supply of smirks. The vacation was expected,
because Bush traditionally takes a month off every summer to relax and avoid
reading National Security Warnings." -Craig Kilborn
"While the Democrats are up in Boston, the Republicans are down in Florida
tinkering with the voting machines." -David Letterman
"The 9/11 report that came out yesterday, they stress that we do not have the
luxury of time. What does Congress do today? Leave for a six week vacation. ...
Leave it to Congress to make George Bush look like a workaholic." -Jay Leno
"The 9/11 commission report said that the attacks occurred due to the
government's failure of imagination. Our government has a great imagination. We
imagine weapons of mass destruction, we imagine we catch bin Laden, we thought
the Iraqi people would love us. We're Disney." -Jay Leno
"Security's going to be tight at the Republican convention. You'll be frisked,
patted down, you'll be groped - and that's just by Arnold" -David Letterman
"As you know the presidential conventions are coming up. You know how much time
the major networks are going to devote to convention coverage? Three hours.
Three hours total. One hour a night for three nights to pick a president. That's
about one-tenth of the time we devote to finding an 'American Idol.'" -Jay Leno
"Campaigning in Iowa yesterday President Bush vowed he will not raise taxes in
the next four years. He said I believe it is hard, very difficult to raise taxes
when you are not president." -Craig Kilborn
"They released the 9/11 report today and President Bush wasted no time not
reading it." -David Letterman
"To celebrate the 35th anniversary of the moon landing, President Bush met with
Apollo 11 astronaut Neil Armstrong. ... There was one awkward moment, when Bush
said to Armstrong, 'I hear you're doing great in the Tour-de-France.'" -Conan
O'Brien
"In a speech the other day to the
Amish, President Bush said that God speaks through him. That's what he said. I
don't know, do you think God would mispronounce that many words?" —Jay Leno
"President Bush said today he is looking into if Iran had anything to do with
9/11, but he's not declaring war yet. He said first he wants to know all the
facts -- so apparently he's trying a new strategy." —Jay Leno
"Howard Dean was at the Washington, D.C., airport. He's in a pay phone when a
thief reached in and swiped his wallet and ran away. ... Usually when a
democratic presidential candidate gets robbed it's not until November." —Jay
Leno
"In the 9-11 commission report they say that it was Iran — not Iraq — that was
helping Al Qaeda. So apparently we invaded the wrong country because of a typo!"
—David Letterman
"After making obscene comments at a fund-raiser, Whoopi Goldberg was fired as a
Slim-Fast spokesperson ... and hired to write for Dick Cheney." —Craig Kilborn
"There's talk that Vice President Dick Cheney may be dropped from the Republican
ticket. There's a good move; lose the smart guy." —Jay Leno
"John Edwards said that Dick Cheney is out of touch with the lives of most
Americans. Cheney immediately denied the charge, from his underground bunker in
an undisclosed location." —Jay Leno
"The Bush twins are in the August issue of Vogue magazine and they look
beautiful. They have these beautiful gowns on. They look very, very nice. The
girls said they talked about their father, they said President Bush is an avid
teaser of their boyfriends. President Bush likes to tease their boyfriends when
they come over. And after he's done teasing them, he has Donald Rumsfeld torture
them." —Jay Leno
"The nation's top election official said the United States will not cancel or
postpone the presidential election because of a terrorist attack. He said if
there's a problem the Supreme Court will reappoint president Bush immediately
rather than waiting two months like they did last time." —Jay Leno
"Pollsters say the strategy is very effective: One daughter distracts us from
the economy while the other distracts us from the war in Iraq. Barbara just
graduated from Yale, and plans to work in the pediatric AIDS program at Baylor
University ... until her Dad cuts off the funding." —Craig Kilborn
"One of Osama bin Laden's chief confidants turned himself in to Saudi Arabian
officials yesterday ... He's confined to a wheelchair due to injuries he
sustained 10 years ago while fighting in Bosnia and Chechnya. How is it we know
more about this guy's military background than we do our own president's? How
come his records are still on file and Bush's are not?" —Jay Leno
"It's believed that he may know where Osama is. And today, President Bush told
him, 'Don't give it away! We want it to be a surprise in November."' —Jay Leno
"Florida officials have announced that this November they will allow felons to
vote. You thought Bush stole the election last time. Now he'll be working with
pros!" —Jay Leno
"A defiant George W. Bush intends to serve two terms in the White House ... Al
Gore's and then his." —Jay Leno
"Some polls show John Edwards with higher approval than Dick Cheney. That's
pretty amazing, isn't it? For the first time ever, the lawyer is ahead of the
guy in the ambulance!" —Jay Leno
"The Bush administration may postpone the November election if there's a
terrorist attack. If there's a terrorist attack, they may postpone the election.
Or, they'll postpone it if there's scattered showers." —David Letterman
"Republicans say they don't want the terrorists to determine the election. No
they want the governor of Florida to determine the election" —David Letterman
"Imagine if they delay the election. This could mean that Bush would be the
longest serving president never to get elected." —Jay Leno
"The Senate is debating whether to amend the Constitution to ban gay marriage.
They want to define marriage as a sacred union between a man and J-Lo." —Craig
Kilborn
"Here's something shocking
according to the latest issue of Newsweek magazine: The Bush administration
officials are reviewing a proposal that would allow for the postponement of the
presidential election in the event of a catastrophe. You know, like Kerry
winning." —Jay Leno
"I love that the Department of Homeland Security always tells Americans if you
don't fly commercial airlines, 'the terrorists have won.' If you don't hold the
Super Bowl or the World Series, 'the terrorists have won.' If you don't get out
to the mall and do your Christmas shopping, 'the terrorists have won.' Comes
time for the election, 'Oh, let the terrorists have that one.'" —Jay Leno
"President Reagan's son Ron Reagan is going to be a featured speaker at the
Democratic convention. President Bush says he is not worried. He said, 'Who
wants to listen to the son of a former president speak at a convention?'" —Jay
Leno
"Kerry is hoping that Edwards will bring in a lot of the female vote because of
the way he looks. So Cheney and Edwards are both going after voter's hearts but
Cheney is looking for a donor." —Jay Leno
"John Kerry picked John Edwards to be his running mate. What a contrast to Dick
Cheney. John Edwards is charismatic, he's confident, he's charming. And Cheney
spent the weekend going, 'You want to see my scar?"' —Craig Kilborn
"The big story in Washington is that the Bush administration is desperate to
find Osama bin Laden before the election. They are said to be using all means
possible to find him. In fact today they typed his name into Google, which is a
start." —Jay Leno
"John Kerry says that John Edwards is ready to be vice president. Ready? It
takes a blue suit and pulse to be ready! And we know that Dick Cheney proved
that you don't even need the pulse." —Jay Leno
"Our vice presidential choices are John Edwards versus Dick Cheney. We've got a
heartthrob versus a heart attack." —Jay Leno
"This Edwards guy, he's going to be trouble for the Bush-Cheney ticket. He's
charismatic, and that's going to hurt Cheney. And he can speak, and that's going
to hurt Bush." —Jay Leno
"It now turns out that Kerry is worth twice as much as previously thought. His
wife is worth a billion dollars. And today, President Bush said that's proof his
tax cuts are working." —Jay Leno
"John Kerry announced that his
running mate would be North Carolina senator John Edwards. It's already getting
nasty. After Kerry selected Edwards the Republicans immediately denounced
Edwards as disingenuous. When he heard this President Bush said I didn't know
this guy was a foreigner." —Conan O'Brien
"As you know John Edwards is a former trial lawyer. Which is a smart move
considering the last election was decided in court. Kerry may need him to step
in and sue or something." —Jay Leno
"The attacks have already started. John Edwards is too inexperienced to be
president, he's too flashy, he's not up to the job. And those are just the
things John Kerry said in the primary." —Jay Leno
"As soon as Edwards was announced the Republicans put out a new attack ad
calling him unaccomplished. He was born poor and became a multi-millionaire. To
Republicans isn't that the definition of accomplished?" —Jay Leno
"The New York Post made a major mistake. They said Kerry chose Dick Gephardt.
Ladies and gentlemen this is not the only mistake the New York Post has made
lately. Take a look at this headline, 'Dick Cheney Wins New York Marathon.'"
—Conan O'Brien
"Interrogators say that Saddam is arrogant. He's defiant. He thinks he's still
popular and that people love him and he thinks he's still president — no, wait
that's Bush." —David Letterman
"One guy who's excited about the
handover is President George Bush. He's thrilled about turning over power back
to Iraq. You know why? Because he's thinking about invading them again." —David
Letterman
"Saddam Hussein is about to face trial and George Bush wants to execute him. Not
because of the war crimes, but because Saddam is beating him in the polls."
—Craig Kilborn
"George Bush handed over power to the Iraqis. Then they asked Bush where he's
going now and he said, 'I'm invading Disneyland.'" —Craig Kilborn
"Cheney's temper got the best of him last week when he told Vermont Senator Pat
Leahy to 'go F yourself' on the Senate floor. Wow that's so out of character. He
seems like such a peach. ... Afterwards President Bush would not comment on
Cheney's outburst adding, 'You think I want that psycho coming after me.' ...
Dick Cheney does have a history of swearing, but usually he's clutching his
chest and falling down." —Craig Kilborn
"In the Senate Vice President Dick Cheney got so mad at Senator Patrick Leahy,
he told Leahy to go F-himself. Leahy said it's OK. Cheney was just having a bad
day, which really isn't true. I mean a bad day for Cheney is what, like three
heart attacks." —Jay Leno
"A Cheney spokesman said on the news today, 'Yes the Vice President did have a
talk with Senator Leahy and they had a frank exchange of views.' Telling someone
to F themselves is a frank exchange of views, so apparently telling someone 'up
yours' is medical advice." —Jay Leno
"On the Senate floor, Dick Cheney flipped out and told Senator Pat Leahy to go
f-himself. Can you believe that? Aren't these the same guys trying to fine
Howard Stern for bad language?" —Jay Leno
"According to a poll just
released today, President Bush's poll numbers went up from 44 percent to 50
percent because of Ronald Reagan's funeral. I tell you something, if this is a
close election in October and I'm Gerald Ford, I've got to start worrying a
little bit." —Jay Leno
"The 9/11 Commission said today they have found no ties between Iraq and al
Qaeda. To which President Bush said, 'Yeah, but how about they're both from the
Middle East.'" —Jay Leno
"Former President Bush, to
celebrate his 80th birthday, jumped out of an airplane. And if you've seen the
polls, you know he's not the only Bush in freefall." —David Letterman
"Former President Bush parachuted with an Army Ranger holding him so he wouldn't
get hurt on his 80th birthday. This is the same method they use when his son
rides a bike." —Craig Kilborn
"The State Department released a memo saying terrorism has gone down. It turns
out, the only reason they came up with that information is because of a
mathematical error. A mathematical error, isn't that how Bush became president?"
—David Letterman
"The Bush administration is testing something called the Registered Travelers
Program. This allows travelers to bypass the security lines and checkpoints at
airports by agreeing to a fee and a background check. Boy, that's a great idea.
A separate line for rich people — I'm surprised the Republicans thought of
that." —Jay Leno
"We really don't have leaders who speak as well as Ronald Reagan anymore. He had
a simple direct way of telling you something. Like when he just came out and
called the Soviet Union 'the evil empire' you know what he meant. Can you
imagine Bush trying to do that? You know he'd screw it up, he'd say something
like 'we have to defeat the medieval vampire.'" —Jay Leno
"According to the New York Times, last year White House lawyers concluded that
President Bush could legally order interrogators to torture and even kill people
in the interest of national security — so if that's legal, what the hell are we
charging Saddam Hussein with?" —Jay Leno
"President Bush met with the Pope
in Rome. Did you see the picture of the two of them? Man, that poor guy, he has
a blank look on his face like he doesn't know where he is. Then, the Pope told
him, just be quiet and relax." —David Letterman
"President Bush has returned after remembering D-Day. Or, as it was known in his
house, report card day." —Jay Leno
"There is good news tonight for Ahmed Chalabi. It turns out that all along he
was providing accurate, truthful, helpful information. Unfortunately, it was to
Iran." —Jon Stewart
"President Bush has been
campaigning around the country and today the crowd got so pumped up they started
chanting, 'Four more wars, four more wars.'" —Craig Kilborn
"President Bush is leaving Washington for a long vacation. I'm sorry that's
November's joke." —Craig Kilborn
"President Bush announced that the Abu Ghraib prison will be closed. Another
place Bush put out of business." —Jay Leno
"This election is shaping up great. Our choices are a guy who always has seconds
thoughts or a guy who's never had a first thought." —Jay Leno
"Newly released transcripts reveal that President Nixon was drunk during the
Arab-Israeli crisis of 1973. After hearing this, President Bush said, 'Hey, so
was I!'" —Conan O'Brien
"John Kerry raised all of that money and bought himself an airplane, campaign
plane, for $10 million. Ralph Nader, not to be outdone, is having himself
shipped across the country in a crate." —David Letterman
"A fiery Al Gore called for the resignation of Donald Rumsfeld, Condoleeza Rice,
and CIA Director George Tenet. Bush was furious. He said to Gore, 'Hey, who
elected you president?!'" —Jay Leno
Bush explained his strategy for
transfer of power. It's a two part plan. Part one: clean out his desk. Part two:
rent a U-Haul." —David Letterman
"Homeland Security has warned of possible summer attacks by Al Qaeda. And it
must be pretty serious because President Bush has already ignored three memos
about this." —David Letterman
"Attorney General John Ashcroft said today that Al Qaeda is determined to attack
the United States sometime this summer. He said the terrorists may do it to try
to influence our Presidential election. So Al Qaeda is basically like Ralph
Nader, only with more followers." —Jay Leno
"Ashcroft went on to say that our way of life is being threatened by a group of
radical religious fanatics who are armed and dangerous. And then he called for
prayers in the schools and an end to gun control." —Jay Leno
"President Bush is going to establish elections there in Iraq. He's going to
rebuild the infrastructure. He's going to create jobs. He said if it works
there, he'll try it here." —David Letterman
"President Bush announced he has a five-point strategy for getting out of Iraq.
Points six through 10 will be handled by the Kerry administration." —David
Letterman
"President Bush announced his plan for Iraq. He called for the rebuilding of a
wrecked economy, getting international cooperation and bringing in new
leadership. You know, the same thing Kerry is calling for here." —Jay Leno
"Bush said that Iraq will have two vice presidents. See that's when you know
that they don't expect the president to last that long — when they have a back
up guy for the back up guy." —Jay Leno
"The president was surprisingly nonchalant about the problems facing Iraq — at
one point even muttering, 'What do I care this is all going to be Kerry's
problem anyway.'" —Craig Kilborn
"The White House announced the notorious Abu Ghraib prison will be torn down,
demolished and done away with. But don't worry, we'll always have our memories,
and of course the photographs." —Jay Leno
"You know what really makes this embarrassing? The other day the president said
the leaders in Iraq are 'ready to take off the training wheels.' That's what he
said, 'take off the training wheels.' Then he goes out and falls off his
bicycle. And they wonder why the rest of the world doesn't take us seriously."
—Jay Leno
"Doctor's concluded that the president's fall hadn't done any damage when he
appeared confused and disoriented." —Craig Kilborn
"President Bush still says Iraq has weapons of mass destruction we never found.
It sounds like he is back on those drugs he never did." —Craig Kilborn
"According to USA Today, President Bush once worked at Sears in the sporting
goods department. I believe he worked there for one four year term." —Jay Leno
"John Kerry speaks French, but he tries to avoid it. So, if a reporter asks him
questions in French he'll pretend like he doesn't understand. Bush, on the other
hand, has the same problem with English." —David Letterman
"Dick Cheney gave a speech at the Coast Guard Academy in which he vowed that
Americans would fight on in Iraq. Actually he said, 'not me, but a lot of other
Americans.' Maybe we should have a new law in this country: Anybody vowing to
fight on should actually have to do some of the fighting." —Jay Leno
"According to some reports, U.S. forces bombed a wedding party in Iraq.
Apparently President Bush thought it might have been a gay wedding." —Jay Leno
"President Bush says an interim president in Iraq should be selected in the next
two weeks. Apparently there's not a lot of interest in that job right now." —Jay
Leno
"President Bush is keeping busy. Earlier today President Bush met with the prime
minister of Greece. In the meeting, Bush praised the Greek people, saying, 'You
gave the world playdoh, which I once ate a can of.'" —Conan O'Brien
"The White House is now saying that they still do not have a timetable for when
the U.S. will be out of Iraq. Although they hinted that it would be early in the
Kerry administration." —David letterman
"There is talk now that President Bush may tap into our emergency oil reserves.
But I'm asking didn't we already do this? Wasn't that called invading Iraq?"
—Craig Kilborn
"President Bush planning for a
quick exit from Iraq. He's doing that to avoid a quick exit from the White
House." —Jay Leno
"Donald Rumsfeld made a surprise visit to Baghdad. The bad news for President
Bush, he came back ... He told the troops, 'I'm a survivor.' Yeah — a survivor
about to be voted off the island." —Jay Leno
"An article came out in New Yorker Magazine that said in order to gather
intelligence Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld authorized a secret program
that encouraged the sexual humiliation of Iraqi prisoners. Rumsfeld said the
article is outlandish, conspiratorial and full of conjecture. He didn't say it
was wrong. He just said all those things." —Jay Leno
"Members of Congress now say there are videos and dozens of pictures of that
West Virginia Private Lynndie England -- you know the girl with the leash. I'm
not making this up and I feel bad saying it, but there's video of her having
group sex with American soldiers in front of Iraqi prisoners. Remember the good
old days when the only new video we had to worry about came from Paris Hilton?
... Group sex. You know what the sad thing is — this is the biggest coalition
they've been able to put together in Iraq so far." —Jay Leno
"India's stock market crashed. My question is, is President Bush out-sourcing
our economy too?" —Craig Kilborn
"A Bush administration official told Congress yesterday that the war in Iraq
could cost almost 60 billion dollars. President Bush said he plans to pay for it
with a video series called 'Prison Guards Gone Wild." —Conan O'Brien
"They asked President Bush why we didn't observe the Geneva convention and Bush
said, 'That's easy, we weren't in Geneva. We're in Iraq.'" —Jay Leno
"President Bush delivered a commencement speech at a university in Wisconsin. A
very inspirational speech. Apparently Bush told the students, 'You can do
anything in life if your parents work hard enough.'" —Conan O'Brien
Down in Washington right now President Bush is sound asleep resting comfortably
at home in bed, you know, just like he did when he was in the National Guard."
—David Letterman
"When you're in Vegas you don't follow the news, you don't read the newspaper,
you don't know what's going on in the world. I mean after five days here, I feel
like President Bush." —Jay Leno
"Donald Rumsfeld said he just happened to be visiting Abu Ghraib prison in Iraq.
How much stress is this guy under when he goes to Iraq to unwind?" —Craig
Kilborn
"Defense Secretary Donald
Rumsfeld told senators that the Geneva convention on prisoner's rights applies
in Iraq, but not for prisoners held in Guantanamo Bay. When asked what the
difference was Rumsfeld said that nobody has pictures of Guantanamo Bay." —Conan
O'Brien
"The prison scandal is really hurting President Bush's poll numbers. In fact, I
hear he's already working on his concession smirk." —Craig Kilborn
"President Bush invited the world champion New England Patriots to the White
House for the second time on Monday. Here's the interesting point, at this point
the Patriots might actually have a better chance at being at the White House
this time next year than Bush." —Jay Leno
"President Bush said today that the job situation looks good. Yeah, if you're
John Kerry." —Jay Leno
"President George Bush's approval rating has dropped to 46 percent. Let me put
this in perspective. Saddam Hussein's approval rating is 49 percent. ... But
Bush is not worried. That's the kind of grades that got him through Yale."
—David Letterman
"We're turning over sovereignty to the Iraqi's on June 30th and the next day
we're handing over the negatives." —Jay Leno
"The big story continues to be the torment of Iraqi prisoners by U.S. troops ...
Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld's been getting a lot of heat. Up until
today, a lot of people thought he might step down or get pushed out, but this
morning, President Bush said Rumsfeld's doing a 'superb' job. Wait until he
finds out 'superb' means 'good.'" —Jimmy Kimmel
"Donald Rumsfeld testified before Congress today. Donald Rumsfeld said he didn't
read the report on Iraqi prisoners because it was too long and it contained too
much information. When he heard this, President Bush said 'Hey that's my line.'"
—Conan O'Brien
"The Bush administration is now asking Congress for another 25 billion for the
war in Iraq. I don't know what they're going to be buying with this money, but I
think we can rule out anymore digital cameras." —Jay Leno
"Rush Limbaugh spoke out on the Iraqi prison pictures situation today. He said
it's entirely generated by the media. What? Is this guy on drugs?" —Jay Leno
"I don't want to say there's a lot of pressure on Rumsfeld, but today he called
Vice President Dick Cheney and asked if he can borrow one of those secret,
undisclosed locations just to kind of hang out in a little bit." —Jay Leno
"Foreign policy experts say that this Iraqi prison abuse thing could be a real
setback in relations between American and Arab countries. But it was going so
well up until this." —Jay Leno
"Here's how bad the situation in Iraq is right now. Supposedly we still have 40
rolls of film we're afraid to pick up at the Fallujah photo lab." —Jay Leno
"Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, facing growing demands that he resign or be
fired, apologized to Congress on Friday for the abuse of Iraqi prisoners.
Rumsfeld said, 'I take full responsibility. This happened on my watch. I feel
terrible.' He went on to add, 'My heart goes out, yada yada yada, you had me at
hello, blah blah blah, I'm a genius you're all morons, you can't handle the
truth, can I go now, ahhh.'" —Tina Fey
"President Bush has two daughters and they're graduating from college. President
Bush says he will not be attending the graduation because he does not want to
create a distraction. I believe that is the same excuse he used in the National
Guard." —David Letterman
"President Bush apologized on TV to Iraqi prisoners. I don't know if the apology
was sincere, because at the end, he says, 'I'm George Bush and I approve of this
naked pyramid.'" —Craig Kilborn
"President Bush was on Arab TV to talk about the Iraqi POW abuse scandal.
President Bush said, 'In a democracy, mistakes are investigated.' Well, not
election mistakes." —Jay Leno
"The Disney company is blocking the distribution of Michael Moore's new movie
because it criticizes President Bush. When asked if the block has anything to do
with winning tax breaks for Florida Governor Jeb Bush, a spokesman from Disney
said, 'It's a small world after all.'" —Conan O'Brien
"President Bush is on a bus tour
right now, visiting small towns in Michigan and Ohio, because he says, and I
quote, 'I find it really fun to go to a place where people don't expect the
president to come.' So the next place he's going — a bookstore" —Jay Leno
"Vice President Dick Cheney made a stop at a Wal-Mart today, Cheney said that
Wal-Mart is a great American institution. Well, that's true, all the workers are
Mexican and all the stuff's made in China." —Jay Leno
"Today in New Mexico, Senator John Kerry spent the day reading children's books
to a bunch of kindergarteners. Yeah, after hearing about it, President Bush
went, 'Show off!'" —Conan O'Brien
"President Bush, he's out campaigning. He's taking a two day bus ride through
Michigan this week. And I was thinking, in Michigan he'll get a pretty good
turnout, since no one in Michigan has a job to go to." —David Letterman
"The Supreme Court is now deciding whether the president can detain an American
citizen indefinitely without legal counsel. What? Isn't this why we left
England? Didn't we have a King George once already? Hello?" —Jay Leno
"Actually I'm not sure how well it went for the president. I understand he used
all three of his lifelines on the first question." —Jay Leno, on Bush and
Cheney's appearance before the 9/11 commission
"Yesterday, the Treasury Department unveiled the new fifty dollar bill. You know
who's on the 50-dollar bill? Grant. Grant was a Republican president, who was a
total failure in school, bankrupted his businesses and somehow wound up as
president. Bush calls him a role model, a trailblazer — a leader." —Jay Leno
"President Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney answered questions before the
9/11 commission ... They did not testify under oath, there was no videotape, no
audiotape, not even a stenographer writing down the questions or the answers;
there's no record of any kind; kind of like President Bush's National Guard
service." —Jay Leno
"The issue of Kerry's military service has spawned a number of recent news-like
events which have led to Republican charges the decorated war hero has something
to hide. Because if there is one thing the Bush administration will not
tolerate, it is ... other people's secrecy." —Jon Stewart
"President Bush's campaign is now
attacking John Kerry for throwing away some of his medals to protest the Vietnam
War. Bush did not have any medals to throw away, but in his defense he did have
all his services records thrown out." —Jay Leno
"(There's) controversy about Democratic nominee John Kerry throwing away his
military medals and ribbons. Not to be outdone, today President Bush threw away
his Alabama National Guard spotty attendance ribbon." —David Letterman
"There is this rumor that the administration made a deal with the Saudis to
lower gas prices before the election. President Bush was asked today if there
was any quid pro quo with the Saudis. He said I wouldn't know, I don't speak
Saudi Arabian." —Jay Leno
"President Bush told the Iraqi people 'We are not going to cut and run while I
am in office.' Today the Iraqi people said 'What about next year when you're not
in office?'" —Jay Leno
"They're bringing back the draft. We don't need to bring back the draft. Here's
how you get Americans to sign up. You call it a reality show. You tell people
you're holding auditions for something called 'G.I. Average Joe." —Jay Leno
"All these books are coming out about President Bush. Richard Clarke's book,
John Dean's book, Paul O'Neill's book, now Bob Woodward's book is coming out.
It's amazing. Who would have thought that George Bush would be responsible for
Americans reading more than any other president before?" —Jay Leno
"Republican Senator Chuck Hagel says it may be time to reinstate the draft. When
President Bush heard about that, he said, 'Uh oh, does that mean I have to go
back to Alabama?" —Jay Leno
"Boy, this campaign is getting ugly. You know, I'm not taking sides here but now
some Republicans are suggesting that John Kerry actually tried to win three
Purple Hearts in Vietnam because he knew that if you won three, you get to go
home early. What an easy way to get out of combat by letting yourself get shot
three times." —Jay Leno
"John Kerry has three Purple Hearts for his war wounds and Dick Cheney has one
Purple Heart from deep dish pizza." —Jay Leno
"On '60 Minutes' on last Sunday Bob Woodward suggested that the main reason
President Bush took the country to war is that he thinks he's on a mission from
God. Of course the problem with that is, it's also Osama bin Laden's reason."
—Jay Leno
"President Bush commented for the first time on the Woodward book. Bush said he
couldn't wait until the book came out on tape so he can find out what all the
fuss is about." —Jay Leno
"In his book, Woodward said that the Saudis knew we were going to war with Iraq
before Colin Powell did. Hey, big deal, the Saudis knew about 9/11 before we
did." —Jay Leno
"I believe that no matter what happens in this campaign, Bush will be a two-term
president. Okay, one term for his father, the other term for him." —Jay Leno
"Kerry says he wants someone who's pro-choice, who supports affirmative action,
and who is against George Bush's war in Iraq. So he could pick Colin Powell."
—Jay Leno
"With the situation in Iraq growing ever more dangerous, the 34-member Coalition
of The Willing are, one by one, dropping out to join the other coalition known
as Most of The Rest of The World." —Jon Stewart
"Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger today passed a bill that would help put
hydrogen-fueled cars on California roads by the year 2010. This bill is a way of
putting out tentative feelers to see if hydrogen cars will be viable. Tentative
feelers? Isn't that how Arnold got in trouble in the first place?" —Jay Leno
"Colin Powell warned President
Bush that if he went to war, he would own Iraq's 25 million people and all their
hopes and problems. He said, 'You will own it all,' to which Dick Cheney said,
'Ooh, does that include the oil wells?'" —Jay Leno
"Colin Powell said that other countries may also follow Spain and pull their
troops out of Iraq. I'm sorry, pull their troop out of Iraq." —Jay Leno
"Our old friend independent candidate Ralph Nader says he thinks the draft is
coming back. ... But then again, Ralph thinks he's coming back." —Jay Leno
"The politicians are now having a big argument over what they're calling the
Misery Index. ... The Republicans say it's inflation and unemployment. Democrats
say it's healthcare and college tuition. I think most Americans have a simpler
definition -- regular, premium, and super unleaded." —Jay Leno
"Spain's new Prime Minister Jose Luis Rodriguez Zapatero announced he will soon
call back Spain's 1300 troops from Iraq -- meaning the coalition of the willing
is fast turning into a duet of the stubborn." —Jon Stewart
"After going to war against the U.N.'s expressed wishes, the U.S. is now
admitting it needs the U.N.'s help. It's the geopolitical equivalent of the 2
a.m. phone call ever parent dreads: 'Mom, I'm not saying I wrecked the car, but
I need a ride home.'" —Jon Stewart
"A new poll shows that most college students would rather have President Bush as
a roommate than John Kerry. Yeah, but which one would you rather cheat off of in
class?" —Jay Leno
"Two big announcements coming out of Washington DC. The tour of duty for 20,000
troops in Iraq may be extended. That's too bad. And the other announcement, the
tour of duty for President Bush may not be extended." —David Letterman
"We ought to thank President Bush. He made it a lot easier for people to do
taxes this year. No job, no income tax this year." —Jay Leno
"At the White House today, President Bush was answering questions about Iraq and
said that he's worried the violence in Fall-u-jah will spread to other parts of
the country he can't pronounce." —Craig Kilborn
"President Bush earned $400,000 for his job as president last year. That's not
really that much for being president when you think about it. But President
Bush, he doesn't do it for the money, he does it for the eight months of
vacation every year." —Jay Leno
The other night, President Bush's press conference was pre-empted by 'American
Idol.' You know the difference between President Bush and 'American Idol?' See,
on 'American Idol,' the one with the most votes wins." —Jay Leno
"In his press conference the other night, President Bush said that freedom is a
gift from the almighty and we have been called by God to use our military power
to spread freedom throughout the world. Then he called that al Sadr guy in Iraq
a religious nutcase. He also said God is in favor of a cut in the capital gains
tax." —Jay Leno
"This week, President Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney released their tax
returns. Cheney made more money than the president. When asked about it, the
president said, 'That's true, but he also made more decisions.'" —Conan O'Brien
"It was a tough press conference
for President Bush. He spent the first ten minutes trying to pronounce Fallujah.
... Bush insisted that Iraq is not Vietnam. Of course not, he avoided Vietnam."
—David Letterman
"Independent candidate Ralph Nader says he thinks the draft is coming back. He
claims the federal government is secretly putting draft boards back together,
and if you're between the ages of 18 and 36, you're eligible. President Bush
immediately re-enlisted in the National Guard, just to be safe." —Jimmy Kimmel
"They said on CNN today that if things go according to plan, the U.S. will hand
over power in Iraq on June 30. 'If things go according to plan?' What plan? Do
we have a plan? Did I miss the news today? Is there a plan?" —Jay Leno
"The argument continues about President Bush and whether he did anything about
that memo. You know, the famous memo that said terrorists are planning a major
attack inside the United States. Actually, it turns out that Bush was more
concerned about another urgent memo he got from Attorney General John Ashcroft
saying that two gay guys in San Francisco may be planning to get married." —Jay
Leno
"President Bush insisted that there was nothing in the August 6th, 2001
briefing, which was titled 'Bin Laden determined to attack the United States',
that hinted what bin Laden was up to. Bush says that he would have moved
mountains to stop the attack. Yeah, but he draws the line at reading a memo."
—David Letterman
"Every Monday after Easter, they have the big Easter Egg hunt at the White
House. This is interesting, the kids out there found strong evidence of Easter
Eggs, but no actual eggs." —David Letterman
"Our governor, Arnold Schwarzenegger, saved a guy's life who was drowning in
Hawaii. And just to be safe, he performed mouth to mouth on the guy's wife."
—Craig Kilborn
"It was initially reported that President Bush did not watch the hearings
yesterday. Turns out that is not true. President Bush watched the TV coverage
live from his ranch in Texas. He was able to watch, apparently, because
yesterday 'Sponge Bob Square Pants' was a re-run." —Jay Leno
"While on vacation in Hawaii Wednesday, California Governor Arnold
Schwarzenegger rescued a swimmer from drowning. No word yet on if Arnold knew
the swimmer was drowning or if this was just a groping gone good." —Tina Fey
"Rupert Murdoch, the owner of Fox News, has announced that he will support
President Bush's re-election. Really, it's so hard to tell from the news
coverage." —Jay Leno
"Looks like there is a little problem with the White House Easter Egg Hunt this
year. It seems the bunnies have contacted the United Nations and they claim that
they never had any eggs and they're not hiding any eggs now." —Jay Leno
"The White House Easter Egg Hunt will be open to the public but President Bush
will not be there. Well sure. How embarrassing would that be? It’s bad enough he
can’t find weapons of mass destruction, what if he can’t find any eggs either?"
—Jay Leno
"The United States has just announced we will begin photographing and
fingerprinting every visitor to the united states even those from our allied
nations. Isn’t that unbelievable? We still have allies?" —Jay Leno
"President Bush says now he is sticking to his plan for handing over power to
the Iraqis on June 30. It's also part of his plan to hand over power to John
Kerry on January 20." —David Letterman
"The good news from Iraq is we brought the Shi'ites and Sunnis together. The bad
news: they formed an army." —Jay Leno
"Ralph Nader has called for President Bush to be impeached for deceiving the
American people about the war in Iraq. Ralph Nader wants Bush impeached? Hey
Ralph Nader got him elected in the first place. If it wasn't for Ralph Nader we
wouldn't have this problem!" —Jay Leno
"If there's one thing we learned from our last presidential election, it's that
democracy is far too important to rely on an outdated error-prone system like
punchcard ballots. So, as we gear up for the 2004 vote, many communities have
moved on to electronic voting — a far more high-tech, error-prone system." —Jon
Stewart
"President Bush says he is
looking forward to the testimony of Condoleeza Rice. Yes, he is very excited
about Condoleeza Rice's testimony before Congress. Well, it makes perfect sense
— he wants to know what was going on, too." —David Letterman
"President Bush got a little upset with a reporter for calling him 'sir' instead
of 'Mr. President.' Man, how upset is he going to be after the election when
they start calling him George again?" —Jay Leno
"Vice President Dick Cheney threw out the first pitch at the Cincinnati Reds
opening game. And President Bush, he threw out the first pitch at the Cardinals
opener. Well it's nice to see they have the time for that kind of stuff now that
everything is under control in Iraq." —Jay Leno
"According Time magazine, Condoleezza Rice has been rehearsing for her
appearance this week before the 9/11 commission. They say she has been
practicing her answers by having her aides ask her questions. Wouldn't be easier
just to tell the truth? Then you wouldn't have to remember the answer." —Jay
Leno
"John Kerry had surgery on his right shoulder this week to repair some damage.
It was pretty bad, he had no feeling. It was almost like he was a Republican."
—David Letterman
"President Bush says in the last month he has created 300,000 new jobs. Yeah,
they're called Kerry campaign workers." —Craig Kilborn
"There are 300,000 new jobs and Bush said he's confused, 'Can I take credit for
good news that I didn't even make up?'" —Craig Kilborn
"President Bush has reversed himself and decided to allow Condoleezza Rice to
publicly testify before the 9/11 commission under oath. It was a little dicey
for awhile because White House lawyers told Bush that they didn't want to set a
dangerous precedent. Bush said 'Hey I'm the precedent, I'll decide what's
dangerous around here.'" —Jay Leno
"Bush and Cheney will make a joint appearance in front of the commission. To
make sure Bush is really speaking, they're going to have Cheney drink a glass of
water when Bush talks." —Jay Leno
"Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger recently took a two-hour training course in
preventing sexual harassment. Actually he didn't take the course, he volunteered
for the demonstrations." —Jay Leno
"Earlier this week OPEC ordered to cut oil production by a million barrels a day
and President Bush came up with what he thought was a very clever solution. He
said 'Hey, let's just send them bigger barrels.'" —Jay Leno
"Last night, President Bush raised $1.5 million in Washington, DC, at a
fundraiser. It's all part of his new program, No Cash Left Behind." —David
Letterman
"You know, I was thinking, maybe we should stop looking for weapons of mass
destruction and start looking for oil." —Jay Leno
"The other night Kerry was on MTV's 'Choose or Lose' and Kerry said he was
fascinated by rap and hip hop. In a related story, President Bush said he was
fascinated by shiny objects." —Jay Leno
"Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger announced this week that after he got elected,
he took a voluntary course on sexual harassment. Arnold says the sexual
harassment course was a waste of time because quote 'I already know how to do
it.'" —Conan O'Brien
"Not only will Condoleezza Rice testify, but President Bush has also agreed to
meet with the (9/11) commission. He's going to testify, but he said he wants
have Dick Cheney there with him. Why does he want Cheney with him? What? Does he
have a learner's permit to be president and have to have an adult with him."
—Jay Leno.
"It's really getting ugly between
the White House and this former counter-terrorism official Richard Clarke. ...
Clarke accused President Bush of subterfuge, an accusation President Bush both
denied and had to look up." —Jay Leno
"They say that Saddam is stonewalling, he's refusing to talk, he's not giving
out any information. No, wait a minute, that's Condoleezza Rice." —David
Letterman
"Yesterday in California, John Kerry made a speech announcing a plan to control
gas prices. After hearing this, President Bush said, 'That's crazy, only Dick
Cheney can control gas prices.'" —Conan O'Brien
"It's interesting. I see all these political ads and all these commentators say
it's our job as Americans to vote. Let me tell you something, with Bush in
charge of the economy, this might be the only job you have all year." —Jay Leno
"As President Bush turned up the heat on the campaign trail, John Kerry fought
back the only way he knows how: carving up the slopes on his snowboard. Oh
c'mon, W. plowed through twice that much powder back in the day." —Craig Kilborn
"There was an article in the paper today that said America is really a place
where losers can actually come out ahead. This is true, like Clay Aiken, who
lost on 'American Idol,' he's a big star now. ... Trista lost on 'The Bachelor,'
she's got her own dating show now. ... George Bush lost the election and became
president of the United States." —Jay Leno
"Some people are criticizing
Kerry for going on vacation this week right when he needs to distinguish himself
from President Bush. In the newspaper, they printed the titles of the four books
he's going to be reading in the five days of his vacation. Hey, just reading
four books in five days distinguishes him from Bush right there." —Jay Leno
"It's the one year anniversary of the Iraq war. President Bush and Dick Cheney
shared a quiet dinner to celebrate and then they paged through their scrapbook
of made-up intelligence." —Bill Maher
"Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia has refused to recuse himself to the case
involving Dick Cheney simply because he went duck hunting with Dick Cheney. He
said, 'If it is reasonable to think a Supreme Court Justice can be bought so
cheap than this nation is in deeper trouble than I thought, and besides, I
already cashed the check.'" —Bill Maher
"Have you seen any of President Bush's ads? They are really starting to get
vicious. We've finally found an American job Bush is willing to fight for: his
own." —Jay Leno
"At a speech yesterday at the Reagan Library, Dick Cheney says John Kerry
doesn't have the judgment to be president. And Cheney's seen first hand what can
happen when a guy doesn't have the judgment to be president." —Jay Leno
"They said that President Bush's war in Iraq has cost the former Spanish Prime
Minister his job. So President Bush isn't losing American jobs anymore, he's
branching out to other countries." —Jay Leno
"John Kerry said today that he stands by ... his claim that certain foreign
leaders have told him that they hope he wins. And George Bush fired back. He
said oh yeah, certain Supreme Court justices have told me that I'm going to
win." —Jay Leno
"John Kerry is claiming that
leaders of other countries have told him they hope he defeats President Bush in
November. President Bush is now challenging John Kerry to name those foreign
leaders. That's a first, Bush challenging anyone to name a foreign leader." —Jay
Leno
"President Bush went out touting his economic record in Ohio last week. Now this
is a state that lost 225,000 jobs since Bush took office. You know, if Bush
wants to tout his record, he should do it somewhere where the Bush economy has
actually created jobs, like India, or Thailand, or China." —Jay Leno
"John Kerry said today he wants to debate President Bush once a month. Hey good
luck, if Bush couldn't make it to the National Guard once a month, he's not
going to show up for this." —Jay Leno
"If you're keeping score at home, so far our war in Iraq has created a police
state in that country and socialism in Spain. So, no democracies yet, but we're
really getting close." —Jon Stewart
"President Bush's campaign is spending $100 million in negative TV ads against
John Kerry. Isn't that a bit much? I mean, he only offered like $25 million to
get Saddam Hussein." —Jay Leno
"Bush went on to attack the Democrats' policies. (Bush says) 'Their agenda is to
increase federal taxes, to build a wall around this country and to isolate
America from the rest of the world.' Hmm. So you're concerned the Democrats
might do something that would damage America's standing in the world.
Interesting...that you would think that's still possible." —Jon Stewart.
"President Bush says today he knows exactly where he wants to take this country.
Is that good? Last time he took us somewhere it was Iraq." —Jay Leno
"Secretary of Commerce Don Evans said that we are trying to get other countries
to adopt our economic policy. That's a great idea, maybe we can convince them to
ship some of their jobs over here, too." —Jay Leno
"President Bush said he doesn't care if Osama bin Laden is found in Pakistan or
Afghanistan, just so he's found before November." —Jay Leno
"A California state senator has proposed an amendment to the California state
constitution that would lower the voting age to 14. This is ridiculous, do you
know what would happen if we allowed 14 year olds to vote? We'd end up with
someone like an action hero as governor." —Jay Leno
"Over 20 members of Iraq's governing council made history by signing a temporary constitution. President Bush said he is thrilled because although the constitution isn't perfect, it bans gay marriage." —Conan O'Brien
"President Bush has unveiled his first campaign commercial, highlighting all of his accomplishes in office. That's why it's a 60-second spot." —Jay Leno
"President Bush says he has just one question for the American voters, 'Is the rich person you're working for better off now than they were four years ago?'" —Jay Leno
"Have you seen President Bush has already started running his campaign ads, the theme of which, apparently is, 'This Shit Ain't My Fault.' No, I'm serious, his ads talk about the attacks of 9/11, the recession, the dot-com bubble bursting, and then they end with his slogan, 'Vote For Me, Mr. Lucky.'" —Bill Maher
"The election is in full-swing. Republicans have taken out round-the-clock ads promoting George Bush. Don't we already have that? It's called Fox News." —Craig Kilborn
"The Bush campaign for re-election has officially begun. They're actually running television commercials. Have you seen any of the television commercials? In one of the commercials, you see George Bush for thirty seconds. In another commercial, you get to see George Bush for sixty seconds — kind of like his stint in the National Guard." —David Letterman
"After all the voting on Tuesday, President Bush called John Kerry to congratulate him. I'm not sure what they talked about, but I think we can rule out swapping war stories." —Jay Leno
"You may have
heard this, that NASA discovered water on Mars. ... When he
heard about the water on Mars, President Bush said, 'Is it
regular or unleaded?'" — Craig Kilborn
"Here in California gas prices have gone up to more than $2 a
gallon. So not only didn’t we find any weapons of mass
destruction in Iraq…apparently we didn't find any oil there
either. Didn't we win the war? I thought that gas would be free
now." —Jay Leno
"Is it me or is President Bush's life starting to sound like a
country song. He's from Texas, his dog just died, and it looks
like he might lose his job. Next thing, his truck is going to
break down." —Jay Leno
"On Fox News today they said catching Osama bin Laden is just a
matter of time. Yeah, election time!" —Jay Leno
"There was a scare in Washington when a man climbed over the
White House wall and arrested. This marks the first time a
person has gotten into the White House unlawfully
since…President Bush." —David Letterman
"You heard about this — President Bush and his call for a
constitutional amendment banning same-sex marriages. A
constitutional amendment. Yeah, like he knows what a
constitutional amendment is. Come on! Who are we kidding?"
—David Letterman
"President Bush announced he would support a constitutional
amendment that would ban gay marriage. Bush said it's wrong for
two men to publicly express their love, unless they're trying to
get into a fraternity." —Conan O'Brien
"If we amend the constitution, it will be then up to Congress to
define marriage. I don't know, Congress defining marriage is a
little like the University of Colorado football team defining
when 'no' means 'no.''" —Jay Leno
"President Bush's longtime dog, Spot, died. Yeah, it's a
shame.... It's really sad because Spot won't live to see a
second Bush term, but then, who will?" —David Letterman
"The Democrats say that President Bush doesn't have an exit
strategy for Iraq. Of course he does. If things don't go well,
he exits in November." —Jay Leno
"The Bush family dog, Spot, had to be put to sleep. Well, he was
15 years old and President Bush said he had to be put down
because of a series of heart problems over the years. Well,
that's gotta make Dick Cheney kinda jumpy." —Jay Leno
"The big rumor in Washington is that Vice President Dick Cheney
might be dumped from the ticket. Well, they're not really going
to dump him. The plan is to take him to another undisclosed
location and just leave him there." —Jay Leno
"They're saying in the paper today that Dean could go back to
Vermont and become a doctor again. See, this is where I worry
that President Bush maybe doesn't understand a lot of the
issues. See, today, they told President Bush that Dean may go
work for an HMO and he said, 'As long as he doesn't marry one.'"
—Jay Leno
"It looks like President Bush will be handing over power to the
Iraqis by June 30th. That's amazing and not only that, but it
looks like he'll be handing over power to the Democrats by
November 2nd." —David Letterman
"President Bush is now on the campaign trail more and more. He's
going out there and meeting the people. Most Republicans say
that they want to see him serve four more years. The National
Guard said 'Hey we'd like to see him serve his last 2 years.'"
—Jay Leno
"President Bush is now focusing on jobs. I think the one job
he's focusing most on is his own. — Jay Leno
"President Bush is having a tough time these days, having to
defend himself a little bit. Yesterday, big story, President
Bush backed away from his claim that the economy will grow by
2.6 million jobs this year by saying, 'I'm not a statistician.'
Then Bush said, 'Actually, I'm an Episcopalian.' He got
confused." — Conan O'Brien
"President Bush said today he's troubled by all the gay
marriages. ... He said the only time two men should ever be in
bed together is if one is a lobbyist and one is a politician."
—Jay Leno
"I think President Bush might be afraid of John Kerry. Today, he
came out against same-sex debates." —Craig Kilborn
"There were those rumors going around that John Kerry had botox
injections. Now they're speculating that President Bush may have
had a nose job. Probably what happened was it started growing
when he started telling those stories about the National Guard."
—Jay Leno
"President Bush says he's troubled by all the gay weddings that
have been going on in San Francisco. Bush also says he's
troubled by Bert and Ernie's relationship on 'Sesame Street.'"
—Conan O'Brien
"Over the weekend, President Bush attended the Daytona 500, how
many folks enjoyed watching the Daytona 500? But President Bush
left before the race was over, you know, like his National Guard
duty." —David Letterman
"A retired National Guard commander says he remembers President
Bush showing up there for duty back in the '70s. He remembers
Bush because he used to come into his office, sit down, and
read. However, payment records released by the White House say
that could not have been President Bush. Just the fact that the
guy was sitting there reading I think suggests the fact that it
was not George Bush." —Jay Leno
"In his annual economic report to Congress President Bush said
that the transfer of American jobs overseas is actually part of
a positive transformation that will enrich the U.S. economy over
time. So basically, losing your job to someone else can be a
good thing. Of course we'll see how he feels about that in
November." —Jay Leno
"I was watching TV last night. I saw an interesting documentary
on the Ninja, the Japanese soldier. According to legend the
Ninjas were warriors who could make themselves invisible
whenever there was a war. Kind of like Bush and the National
Guard." —Jay Leno
"The White House has now released military documents that they
say prove George Bush met his requirements for the National
Guard. Big deal, we've got documents that prove Al Gore won the
election." —Jay Leno
"President Bush says that he can't find any of his National
Guard records from the 70s. Oh sure, but he's got no problem
finding photos of John Kerry with Jane Fonda from the 70s."
—David Letterman
"There's this huge controversy over the fact that President Bush
apparently received credit for National Guard service in Alabama
in '72 and '73 even though his commanding officers are saying he
never reported. I think what's even more disturbing is that he
received enough credits to graduate from Yale." —Jay Leno
"The White House announced today that during the Vietnam War,
President Bush was listed as MIA — Missing In Alabama." —Jay
Leno
"As John Kerry sails toward the Democratic nomination, new
questions are emerging about President Bush's service in the
National Guard, like where he was for six months in 1972 and why
he refused to take a routine physical. President Bush has vowed
to get to the bottom of this right after Election Day." —Craig Kilborn
"I'm not sure if President Bush really understand how important
the issue is. Like today, a reporter asked if he was a deserter.
Bush answered, 'No, I skip the pie, the ice cream ... not a big
deserter.'" —Jay Leno
"The congressional hearings began today into the Janet Jackson's
half-time Super Bowl scandal. It's interesting to me, they won't
look into Iraq, they're not looking into Enron. But by god,
Janet Jackson's bra, they're looking into that." —David
Letterman
"President Bush was on 'Meet the Press' Sunday. A lot of his
White House staffers thought it was a bad idea. Hey, better than
him going on 'Jeopardy.'" —Jay Leno
"There was one kind of embarrassing moment when President Bush
was asked if he ever went AWOL and he said, 'No no no, we have
Earthlink.'" —Jay Leno
"President Bush also said Sunday that he wants to lead the world
to more peace. More peace — can we take any more of this peace?
I mean, it worked so well in the Middle East, let's spread the
peace around a little bit." —Jay Leno
"They are having a panel look into the intelligence failures in
Iraq. It is a seven person panel and it will include Senator
John McCain, but the findings f